Tag Archives: headline

White House Not Returning George W. Bush’s Voicemails

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Washington, DC – Former President of the United States George W. Bush is a good man. He worked hard to benefit our country while in office. He is a man of considerable pride and generosity, and recently found it in his heart to reach out to the US government headquarters that he used to call home. It is a simple, kind gesture, to call an old friend to see how they’re doing. The White House, however, doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge the attempts of the former POTUSA. White House Chief of Staff Jack Lew:

“Dubya calls here about once a week looking to shoot the shit with anyone that’s willing to talk about legos or horses or whatever he finds interesting at the time. I usually end up taking the bullet because Barack leaves his phone status set to ‘in a meeting’ literally all day long. Lately, i’ve been letting the calls go straight to voicemail lol!”

Good ol’ Dubya must not know exactly what to do with himself anymore what with not having a country to run and all. Maybe he and Rick Perry can have a barbecue or a hoedown or something like that?

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Dirty Cows Distrupt Traffic

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Fargo, ND – Exhibitionist cows brought traffic to a grinding halt on Co Rd 17 in Fargo earlier this morning.  A pair of bovines were caught “doing the dirty” in the middle of the road the highway patrol stated.

The cows were getting it on so intensely that some perverted passerby was jailed on suspicions of masturbating in public.

One of the bulls didn’t take kindly to the state troopers attempts to interrupt the act so cops had to call in the North Dakota Farm Bureau to coax the animals into custody.

The two bovines are being charged with breach of peace and public indecency.  They were being held on $500 bail.

 

 

Dead Morbidly Obese Arsonist Torches Crematorium

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Graz, Austria – A gigantic 440-lb hunk of dead & smoldering fatty tissue was the cause of a fiery inferno at a Graz, Austria crematorium yesterday. The Observer wondered at first why a beached whale would be brought to a human crematorium but as it turns out, the dead animal arsonist was no whale–it was a massive human female.

The blaze raged with such a fury that firefighters had to push water through heating vents to put it out. Firefighters were also forced to wear special equipment to extinguish this mess and were said to have been covered by a “sticky, sooty substance” after the fire was put out. They were coated with human napalm! Oh, the humanity!

The corpse burn community is now calling for updated cremation procedures to better deal with the deceased Morbidly Obese in an effort to prevent future disasters. The temperature inside the cremation chamber reached to upwards of 570 degrees Fahrenheit, causing the entire place to erupt. We here at the Observer would like to congratulate this humongous woman for causing arson from BEYOND THE GRAVE.

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Burglar Breaks Into Sunset Lanes In Moorhead. Doesn’t Find Shit.

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Moorhead, MN – Moorhead police would like your help in catching one dumb fucking criminal who broke into Sunset Lanes around 2 a.m. Sunday.  Police say he forced a door open to find a shit load of used bowling balls.

Alright, time for a FM Observer Burning by the one and only Bill Burns.

So, your sitting around being fat on your stupid fat couch and think, “Oh fuck yea!  I just thought of the greatest plan ever.  I’m going to break into the ever so busy and popular Sunset Lanes in Moorhead.  I’m going to be fucking rich!  Retiring a millionaire bitch!  F YOU SOCIETY.”

Wrong!

So out of the hundreds of establishments with actual cash or items that would be worth stealing, you decide to risk jail time, getting shot, your career of being fat, family disownment, and an entire town laughing at you, to break into a bowling alley?  What did you expect to find there mister smarty pants?  A shit load of cash? You found a bunch of used bowling balls you fucking idiot.  Maybe a few hundred dollars?  If that was really what you were after then you could only carry, what, three bowling balls at a time?  And what would you do with all those used bowling balls?  Judging by your picture on the fat cam, carrying three would  be too tough for you.  You would probably have to carry one at a time and that’s just stupid when you’re running against the clock during a robbery.  Maybe there is some type of hidden treasure buried deep underground,  then…a to hell with it, there’s no treasure.  I’m just wishful thinking.  Trying to find ways to justify your stupidness.  Lastly, what is with the stupid cliche ski mask?  Come on!  You are already knee deep in shit when you decide to break into a business, why not wear a mask with some class?  A mask that is unique.  Something like the picture below.

vagina_mask

 

The FM Observer loves the Fargo-Moorhead area and hates degenerate criminals.  Especially ones who break into small business establishments just trying to make a living.  Let’s have a first here.  The first time FM Observer fans catch a criminal.  So, show the picture above (not the guy with a vagina mask, the actual criminal) to everyone you know and lets nab this asshole.

flying_baby

I Was Gonna Take My Baby Off The Roof Of My Car……But Then I Got High.

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Phoenix, AZ – Some shocking news this past week.  Catalina Clouser, 19, is facing driving and child abuse charges after her one-month-old baby fell off the roof of her car while driving away, forgetting she had put the little munchkin there.  What’s shocking is this DID NOT happen in Florida.  I know, crazy right?

Once she got home, she finally got inside and thought to herself, “the fuck is my baby?”  Upon realizing that her baby just got the ride of it’s life, she drove back to 45th Avenue and Chollas and was greeted by police who had recovered her child.  We’ve heard about people strapping their grandmothers or mother-in-laws to the roof of their cars but never a little child.  Jesus, what was she thinking!?

One lucky witness was on his way to work when he said he saw a flying baby in a car seat flying through the air.  I mean, how f’in cool would it be to see that?!  That man just won the lottery.

 

In tribute to Catalina Clouser, I have changed some of the lyrics to Afroman’s – Because I Got High song.

 

Catalina Clouser – Because I Got High

It’s Like, I don’t care about nothin man,
roll another blunt, Yea (ohh ohh ohh),

La da da da da da La, Da Daaa,
La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa

I was gonna take my child off the roof of my car until I got high
I was gonna put him in the back seat but then I got high
my baby flew off the roof my car and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna try to not kill my kid before I got high
I coulda remembered I actually gave birth to a child but I got high
(La da da da da da da da da)
I am taking a couple hours off from parenting and I know why, (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go home with my little child but then I got high
I remembered I lefty my baby on the roof of my car but I got high
now I’m driving around looking for my baby and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay to get my child back then I got high
they took my child away and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kid because I got high
now I’m sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I’m gonna stop singing this song because I’m high
I’m singing this whole thing wrong because I’m high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]

La da da da da da, La da da da, Shoop shooby doo wop.

Get jiggy wit it, skibbidy bee bop diddy do wahhh

– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]

Car insurance adjuster freaking out over NASCAR wreck

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Fucked.

Dover, DE – Yesterday’s NASCAR FedEx 400 event in Dover contained one of the most heinous multiple car pileups we’ve seen so far this year. A total of 13 cars were involved in this chain-reaction wreck, and the monetary damage is said to be in the “freaking billions, maybe”. That is, according to the insurance adjuster tasked to clean up the aftermath. Keith McGregor is in full-on panic mode after yesterday’s NASCAR disaster. We caught up with Keith to get his take on the accident:

“I’m fucked. Thirteen cars got completely fucking totaled and I can’t get ahold of any of the drivers to have them sign damage disclosures! And where the fuck are the cars?? Did they even bother getting estimates done?? NO! They loaded them onto trailers as I sat there waving. HELLOOO??? Trying to do my job over here! Would love to get who’s at fault sorted out! Now i’m completely loaded with 13 fucking vehicles worth of paperwork and nowhere to send it. What the fuck am I going to do??”

McGregor went on to say that he’ll “get his ass fired if he doesn’t process this wreck” and that if that happens “the Mrs. will probably divorce him.”

We wish Keith the best of luck with his fucking estimates.

zombie apocalypse

Must Have Weapon For The Coming Zombie Apocalypse

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Everywhere, USA – Keep your face, keep your skin, we will fill you in on the most practical weapon against zombies.  Zombies have been in the news lately (here and here) which is an obvious sign of a coming zombie apocalypse.

This is great news for a lot of us.  We have been fans of zombies for years.  Compiling zombie fighting weapons, playing zombie video games, and actually dressing up as a zombie and going on zombie bar crawls.  We have been waiting impatiently for the time when we can actually kill waves of zombies in real life.

Now that the time has actually come, you need to be prepared.  The most practical zombie fighting weapon is a SWORD.  Why you ask?  Because swords don’t run out of ammo dummy!

I personally recommend the Katana.  A sharp Katana will have no problem what so ever dismembering waves of zombies.  You could go on forever!  How exciting!

Double Edge Zombie Katana Sword

Now, you can go out and buy any sword (MAKE SURE IT’S SHARP) but you need to be in shape in order to use the sword effectively.  You don’t need a ton of skills either but it wouldn’t hurt to practice sword fighting skills.

If you follow the kid in the video below you will get in shape AND learn critical sword fighting skills.

 

Happy zombie training and fighting!  Go get ’em tiger!!

**Watch for a follow up article on the Top 5 Must Have Zombie Weapons.**

Cannibals Anonymous Group Therapy At Hilton Garden Inn

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219579407_2990f2806d_oFargo, ND – Due to a widespread craving for human flesh causing concern that a zombie apocalypse is right around the corner, the Observer has decided to hold open workgroup sessions to help cannibals deal with their insatiable hunger for skin and organs.

We are happy to announce the FM Observer Cannibals Anonymous weekly group therapy sessions being held at the Hilton Garden Inn (MAP) on 19th Avenue in Fargo.

Meetings will occur every Tuesday and Thursday during the week at the following times:

  • 3:00 pm to 4:00 pm (followed by cannibal Q&A)
  • 5:30 pm to 6:30 pm (phalanges served as appetizer)
  • 7:00 pm to 8:00 pm (eyeball casserole with sangria entrée available. $20/plate)

Entry fee for each one-hour session will be $500/head. Severed heads $50 extra. We are willing to waive your entry fee if you bring a sack of spring-harvest spleens.

FYI: We will not be feasting on each other. That is not what this is for. Please only come if you wish to curb your addiction to live flesh.

Please register in advance HERE. We’ll see you there!

American Crystal Sugar Strike

Crookston Bishop To Host Prayer Service Sunday For American Crystal Workers Dispute

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Crookston, MN – Bishop Michael Hoeppner, head of the Catholic Diocese of Crookston is coming to the rescue.  Bishop Michael has stated that he has seen the destruction and carnage strikes and disputes can cause.

“I’ve seen this before” Bishop Hoeppner stated.  “You have two groups that disagree for so long they end up wanting to kill each other.  I’ve seen it in the movies.”  That’s why it’s important to pray that such conflicts don’t arise out of the dispute between American Crystal Co. and the Bakery Workers union, he said.

It’s been nearly 10 months since union members rejected Crystal management’s proposed five-year contract.  The bishop is hosting a prayer service Sunday in Crookston, MN and will be inviting his own gang members Bishop Larry Wohlrabe of the Northwestern Minnesota Synod of the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America and the Rev. Daniel Wolpert of Crookston Presbyterian Church.

He stated that in case things get out of hand, he will at least have more priests on his side to fight the resistance.  “I might have to end up using my mind powers and the power of prayer to fight back if trouble were to arise” he stated.

One thing he did want to make sure everyone is aware of is that there will be donation boxes every 10ft on the way to the church.  “Jesus needs a new car” he said.

 

If you go

What: Prayer service for the resolution of the American Crystal labor dispute

When: 7 p.m. Sunday

Where: Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception, 702 Summit Ave. in Crookston

Info: Everyone is welcome (bring your wallets preferably with a lot of money)

 

Super AIDS, living zombies, stupid fucks breeding in record numbers, Alotta Fagina the local prostitute who can’t perform her job in peace and quiet without getting arrested,  are a few other prayer service ideas.

Zombie Sighting West Fargo

ZOMBIE SIGHTING IN WEST FARGO

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Zombie Sighting West FargoWest Fargo, ND – The Observer is fearful to report that early Sunday morning at around 3 a.m., a zombie was spotted foot-dragging alongside Interstate 94 in West Fargo. This reporter is absolutely certain that this was, without a doubt, a member of the undead or a “walker” as they are affectionately called. Walkers typically come out of hiding after midnight and during periods of intense weather. Late Saturday night and into Sunday in West Fargo we had a thunderstorm so I took the opportunity to go zombie hunting. What I saw was the stuff of internet legend. A bald, toothy, decaying walker appeared to me in a clearing from the north side of a ditch along the highway. I was only able to snap one photo of the heavy-breathing ghoul before fleeing since I was unable to take the thing down–I had forgotten my crossbow before venturing out! The walker looked to have procured a new t-shirt and jeans somehow (most likely from its last victim) so at first glance it looked like just another drunk human wandering the grass, but upon getting a closer look I now know what I saw. A flesh-hungry zombie.

As far as I know, the creature is still on the loose somewhere in West Fargo. Until the walker is taken out, i’d like to remind everyone to lock your doors at night and if you see a grey shirt/blue jeans-wearing corpse lurking around your home or residence, notify the Observer immediately.