Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Top Ten Winter Words North Dakotans Are Getting Really Sick Of

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Fargoans have really gotten to hate the word Arctic.

Fargo, ND – Our FM Observer reporters fanned out across the region to knock on doors asking people what winter words they are getting most tired of hearing.

After doing so, we then empirically compiled the comprehensive list into a scientific study.

We believe it is totally scientific because we used the word empirical.

What follows is a scientific poll of the Top Ten words or phrases that people living in this region are getting really sick of hearing:

10. Winter Snowstorm
9. Frizzle
8. Alberta Clipper
7. Pre-Shoveling
6. Snownami*
5. Windchill Factor
4. Black Ice
3. Blizzard Warning
2. Polar Vortex
1. Arctic

* Snownami is the scientific word for the large ridge of snow left at the end of driveways after the street plows come by to do their due diligence.

Tie-Dyed Wind Chill Map Warms Hearts Of Former Hippies

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Tie-Dye Wind-Chills :o)

Grand Forks, ND – Some former hippies who now work for the National Weather Service believe one of their recent windchill maps hearkened back to tie-dyed shirts from days gone by.

Buzz Marley, assistant climatologist since 1970: “Wow, man. Like we got a lot of calls about this map, dude.”

Arlo Zappa, radar technician since Woodstock: “A lot of people really seemed to respond to the tie-dye nature of how we’re mapping the wind chill!”

Karma Krishna, chief meteorologist since the Grateful Dead died: “These tie-dye maps are really super cool, especially if you’re listening to music at the same time.”

Virginia Governor Ralph Northam Being Pressured To Do The Moonwalk

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Dance like Mike

Richmond, Virginia – After boasting that he won a dance contest in the 1980s by doing Michael Jackson’s famous moonwalk, leading Democratix are calling on Virginia’s governor Northam to do the moonwalk.

“We believe if his Excellency can indeed do the moonwalk like Michael Jackson, this will give some major credence to his nutcase that he can dance good enough to win a dance contest.”

Expert pundits agree across the board that if verificational veracity in the tangible form of an actual moonwalk performance by The Honorable Governor Ralph Northam is witnessed by all on live TV, then the rest of his cockamamy story may be true, so help him God.

Virginia’s Lieutenant Governor: “It is time to not just talk the talk, but rather we believe it is time for Ralph Northam to walk the walk, and in this particular case, we talkin’ the Moonwalk!”

‘Polar Vortex Pizza’ Delivers Your Fully Cooked Pizza Completely Frozen

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We guarantee your pizza will be completely frozen by the time you get it.

Fargo, ND – Not real stoked about going out into the arcticly crazy super-cold windchill temperatures for supper?

Maybe you should just stay warm at home while ordering a pizza from Polar Vortex Pizza!

Their pizzas are great, and fully cooked in perfectly hot ovens, and then quickly delivered rock-hard frozen solid to your front door.

The flash-freezing process take only seconds and locks in all the wonderful goodness of your Polar Vortex Pizza!

Some customer feedback: “Yeah, Polar Vortex Pizzas are great, but don’t plan on eating them right away.”

Moorhead Man Modifies Microwave Oven To Quickly Clear Snow From His Driveway

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Daddy, why don’t you just use that microwave oven to get rid of all the snow?

Moorhead, MN – After his daughter suggested the challenge, Wiman Moravec of North Moorhead attempted to tweak an older microwave oven to operate while open, in order to clear all the snow from their driveway.

After making some calculated modifications, Mr. Moravec and his daughter slowly moved the microwave oven around his driveway until all the snow had quickly “vaporized”.

Ironically, all the letters in Wiman Moravec can be microwaved to spell: Microwave Man!

New Fargo Bar/Lounge Called ‘The Peachflame’ To Exclusively Cater To Weird People

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Calling all weird-ohs: Welcome to The Peachflame!

Downtown Fargo, ND – A 52nd liquor license has been granted for Downtown Fargo.

Proprietor Elwood Wierschem is planning on opening The Peachflame which will specifically cater to bona fide weird-ohs.

Mr. Wierschem in his own words: “If you’re truly a weird-oh in any sense of the word, then you are welcome at The Peachflame.“

“And believe you me, you will feel very comfortable sipping your weird drinks amongst all the other weird-ohs who tend to congregate in the Downtown Fargo area.”

Weirdly, all the letters in Elwood Wierschem can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Weird Ohs Welcome!

Ringo Was The Most ‘Normal’ Of The Beatles

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Paul, Ringo, John, George

Fargo, ND – While he was in Fargo recently, purchasing a home in the Dinglewood Heights area, the FM Observer had a chance to chat with Ritchie Starkey, a.k.a. Ringo Starr, drummer for The Beatles.

FMO: How would you compare yourself to the other Beatles?

RS: I honestly believe that I was the most normal and the most grounded of the group.

FMO: Why do think that?

RS: Well, George started playing sitar with his Eastern guru friends, Paul began puffing the magic dragon, and John was tripping with Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.

FMO: And what about you?

RS: My experiences as a youngster dealing with a number of different illnesses really humbled and grounded me, which is why I like the idea of having a home in Fargo.

FMO: Well, welcome to Fargo! Any general thoughts about your life as you look back?

RS: It’s just really quite amazing that I went from living in a sanatorium and playing drums in their hospital band to becoming a member of the Fab Four. It truly has been a long and winding road!

Abominable Snowman Comes To Fargo Area In Search Of Mate

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Yeti or not, here he comes!

Fargo, ND – Have you been wondering: Why is it so darn cold these days?

Answer: Yeti, the abominable snowman, has temporarily left the Arctic Circle long enough to hopefully find himself a mate.

Why now? Because this is the mating season of the abominable snowman, since our winter is actually his Spring.

Experts agree it’s no accident that the word climate is made up of the words: climb + mate.

Why Fargo? No one is quite sure but it’s believed that Yeti has gotten lucky here in the past.

Yetiologists believe that negative windchill factors are how Mr. Abominable attracts his mate. So, the stronger the attraction, the colder it feels.

Five Day Work Week Likened To Rapid Rat Race

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Not feeling too groovy? Slow down, you move too fast. You got to make the morning last.

Hamstershire, UK – International researchers have likened workers who work a five day work week to hamsters running on a hamster wheel which is spinning much too quickly.

“What we have seen, in our extensive research, is that if a fast-spinning hamster wheel is slowed down a bit, correlating to a four or even a three day work week for homo sapiens, the hamster is much more happy and willing to work,“ says Dr. Ian Ratzmire.

American companies that are implementing this ground-breaking research into their work schedules are finding that their employees 1. work better, 2. are as happy as hamsters, and 3. stay with their employer much longer.

Fargo New-Born Is Suspected Time-Traveler Based On His Post-Birth Questions

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The hospital staff is quite certain that young Evert Altmire is a legitimate time traveler.

Fargo, ND – A new-born baby who was able to speak just after birth is being treated as a bona fide, de facto, time traveler.

The baby, who was given the name Evert Altmire, surprised the doctors and nurses shortly after birth by asking: “What year is it?”

After being told the answer, young Mr. Altmire asked: “Who is president?”

After being told the second answer, Evert simply said: “Oh, crap!”

If you may possibly have any information regarding the past (or future) of Evert Altmire, please contact the hospital’s baby department.

Amazingly, all of the letters in Evert Altmire can be re-arranged to spell: Time Traveler!