Category Archives: Reviews

Retro Spective Of Johnnny’s Last 100 Posts

My second one hundred  posts.

My second 100 posts. Now I can build a longer fence.

Since 200 is such a nice round number (and Roman Numeral CC), it was decided to use the occasion of my 200th post to take a trip down memory lane.

South Park celebrated its 200th episode by calling it simply “200”. It took them until Episode 5 of Season 14 to get there. In that episode, Tom Cruise, along with all of the celebrities ever mocked by South Park, filed a class-action law suit against the town.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on FM Observer.

All posts are listed as hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

100. Johnnny’s First 100 Posts
101. Fargo Facing Severe Clown Shortage
102. Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding
103. New Luxury Apartments Look Like Stairs
104. Wasps That Killed the FMO
105. GM Recall Expands To All Cars Ever Made
106. Replace Insomnia With 15 Possible Side-Effects
107. First Visionary Church Offers Portal To God
108. New Aquatic Nuisance Species Is A Nightmare From Hell
109. FMO Announces Summer Camp For New Observers
110. Assburger Syndrome Awareness
111. Donatella Versace Shares Her Beauty Secrets
112. No-Driver Taxis To Be Tested In Fargo-Moorhead
113. Youngsters Drinking Coffee Is A Disturbing New Trend
114. Critics Argue That Federal Prisons Are Too Comfortable
115. Amish Taking Applications For A New ND Settlement
116. Church Bazaar Selling Some Bizarre Items
117. Many Towns & Cities Are Being Taken Over By Dogs
118. Fargo Landfill To Be Permanently Closed
119. FM Observer Photo Caption Contest
120. Funny Looking Man Finds Bar Of Gold In Red River
121. Beautiful Meadow Is A Killing Field For LandShark
122. Cloned Cloners Create Two-Headed Mule
123. Bean Bag Toss Game (Cornholio) Goes Back To Caveman Days
124. World-Wide Jogger Returns Home To Nobody
125. Star Trek’s USS Enterprise Coming To Fargo Airport
126. Lady Attacked By Grocery Store Lobsters
127. Janitor Charged With Fondling Church Organ
128. Man Who Weds Daughter Fathers His Own Granddaughter Whom He Marries
129. Winning Lottery Ticket Being Sought In Knoxville Landfill
130. Dr. Finance On Making Big Money With Garage Sales
131. Koi Ponds Provide Hungry Families With Unlimited Fish
132. KFGO Required To Broadcast Half In Spanish
133. WE Fest Cancelled Due To Massive Invasion Of Diseased Ticks
134. Sir Paul McCartney Returning To Fargodome For Another Concert
135. North Dakota Gets One Of Eight Newly Added NFL Teams
136. Dr. Willy Nilly Discusses Living With Phlebitis
137. Janet Reno Named New Vikings Special Teams Coach
138. West Fargo Imposes Total Watering Ban Due To Global Drying
139. Fargo Man Often Mistaken For 16th US President
140. New Detroit Mountain Recreation Area Offers Fun For Everyone
141. Bowler Union Plans Multiple Strikes
142. Moorhead Crocodile Charged With Killing Of Defenseless Calf
143. Many Are Concerned About UFO Lights South Of Moorhead
144. Wendy’s Pay-It-Forward Program Offers Free Meals After Midnight
145. FMO Launching FMO TV From New FMO Corporate Headquarters
146. Area Outdoor Pianos Maybe Not Such A Grand Idea
147. Feral Rabbits Being Readied To Secure Southern Border
148. Star Trek Captain Janeway Wearing Prison Orange For Being Romulan Spy
149. Moorhead Family Found Living In A Pumpkin
150. Red River Zoo Soon Adding One Large Triceratops
151. How To Prepare For The Coming Ebola Pandemic
152. Early Fargo Business Man Attacked By Giant Blue Mountain Swallowtail Butterfly
153. Fargo College Game Day Crowd Swells To A Million
154. Many Fargo Homes Choosing To Go Off The Grid
155. Fargo Leaders Considering Allowing Chicken Fighting
156. Bags Of Money Hidden All Over The FM Area
157. Civilian Trumpet Militia Groups Now Forming In Your Area
158. Meditation Tents One Way To Combat Stress From Mosquitos
159. Ghost Convention To Be Held In Fargo North Dakota
160. New Green Shoes Designed To Lessen Carbon Footprints
161. Wear Pink To Show Support For The NFL
162. White House Ebola Response Team Practicing Their Craft
163. Lumberjack Union Working With CDC To Stop Treebola
164. Fargo Debates Issue Of Downtown Vomit
165. Clever Calibration Errors Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Race
166. Fanatical Mathematical Radical Goes On Problematical Sabbatical
167. NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket
168. Vote Yes On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of ND
169. Consider Giving Komodo Dragons For Christmas
170. Some Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller (2014)
171. Hunting Mishap Almost Put Youngster Behind Bars
172. Sign Up Now For Exciting Parade Of Hoarder Homes
173. Ray Rice Challenges Any Woman To Fight Him In An Elevator
174. Government To Begin Grouping People Into Sick Camps By What Diseases We Have
175. More Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller (2013)
176. Stephen Kink’s New Toxic Santa’s Revenge To Change Christmas Forever
177. How To Keep Your Dog From Pissing On Your Christmas Tree
178. Join FMO On A Whirlwind Trip Around The World
179. Heineken Home Deliveries Being Well Received
180. Wrap Framed Art To Decorate Your Home For Christmas
181. Win A New Robot For The New Year
182. Obama To Send All Republicans Into Outer Space
183. Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree
184. FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team
185. Young Pigs Express Concern Upon Learning Where Bacon Comes From
186. Million Dollar Painting Found In Garage Rafters
187. Drug Companies To Give Bill Cosby Lifetime Achievement Award
188. Looking Back On Some Of The Top Stories In 2014
189. Local Man Who Dreamed He Was Flying Wakes Up In Tokyo
190. Top Ten Norwegian Proverbs
191. Hundreds Of Misguided Bison Fans Mistakenly Went To San Francisco
192. Art Show To Help Dog Owners Buy More Dog Food For More Dogs
193. How Many Clones Are Running In This Circle?
194. New PolyPax Chance To Turn Your Life Around
195. New Dollar Hotel Perfect For Some Budgets
196. Another FMO Adult Education Class: Computer Maintenance
197. It’s The Year Of The Owl
198. Prejudicial Scapegoating OK Except When It Comes To Goats
199. New Duplicator Machine Can Duplicate Anything!

Stephen Kink’s New “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” Promises To Change Christmas Forever

Death Santa

I’m toxic and here for revenge.

Toxico, NM – A new book by Stephen Kink which is scheduled to be released before Christmas will permanently alter your holiday mindset.

It’s a dark tale about the “original” Santa who after being poisoned multiple times with toxic cookies and milk decides to get some revenge.

Book reviewer Kade Hygene said: “After I started getting into this book, my whole body was shaking like a hand-held electric massage machine.”

“Some of the book is written in normal prose style with instructive narrative. But whenever it goes into the rhyming poetic style, that’s when it’s time to lock the doors and plug the chimney,” warns Kade.

Look for “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” wherever scary books are sold. It promises to change your attitude toward Christmas forever.

call of duty ghosts xbox 360

Call of Duty: Ghosts – Xbox 360 Review – It Sucks

call of duty ghosts xbox 360


Call of Duty: Ghosts was released for the Xbox 360 on November 5, 2013.  Let me start off by saying I have played all the Call of Duty games starting from Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare.  I’ve put a countless number of hours into them.  I think I was around 25 days playing time in Call of Duty 4.  I look back now and realize that that is a ridiculous amount of time to spend on a game however my playing time in Return to Castle Wolfenstein back in the year 2001 was probably higher.

Lets get to the review.

I bought Call of Duty: Ghosts on a whim.  After Black Ops 1 (second favorite call of duty) I started getting sick of the series and transferred over to Battlefield.  I bought Ghosts due to the fact that it would be released on the Xbox One as well.  I purchased the digital version which I now know was a big mistake because I would have sold my copy already to recoup some of the money I wasted on this giant turd.

Single Player

Can’t comment on that as I haven’t even played it yet.  My review is strictly based on multiplayer.



Boy oh boy how the mighty have fallen.  How a billion dollar company can produce such a turd of a game is pretty sad.  I popped in the game and went straight to multiplayer.  After five minutes I already hated the game.

It’s boring.

I don’t know how else to explain it.  It’s simply boring.  The textures are very very bland and uninspiring.  Players blend in with their environment so much you can’t see shit.  I went into a corner to lay down, regain my health, and re-load my gun.  A player literally went on top of me and laid down.  He didn’t even know I was there.  If he did then that dude was just a gay perv.

The spawning points suck so……so bad.  They have been getting worse in every game released since call of duty 4.  No longer are people able to hold down an area.  They will spawn behind you and it happens ALL…….THE…..TIME.  Kiss your kill streaks goodbye too.  They are worthless in this game.  Hardly anyone gets any good streaks going because you are too busy getting shot in the fucking back.

You die more easily in this game.  It’s like you are playing hardcore mode at all-times.  Takes one to two shots most of the time to down someone.  No more gun battles which is disappointing because that’s what I like about the Call of Duty series.  Whoever sees each other first will win.  Pew pew you’re dead.  Hit markers are not consistent either.

Quickscoping?  Oh yea.  It’s still here.


The whole menu and options are boring as hell to.  You don’t unlock weapons and items by completing challenges anymore.  You get tokens.  Yay!  You will earn tokens while playing and you use that to unlock weapons, perks, accessories etc etc.  You can customize your soldiers outfit somewhat but who cares.  BOOOOORRRRINNG.  I liked that you could design your own emblem in Black Ops.  There is non of that in this game.  No recording either.

It encourages camping and teabagging.  Yea…..teabagging.  Teabagging was cool, what, 15 years ago?  The maps are so damn big that the only way to get any kills is to camp.  You go anywhere out in the open and you’re usually dead immediately.  If they are trying to copy Battlefield then they should make an entirely different game because it just ain’t gonna work.

It’s boring.  Did I say that already?

The graphics are terrible on the Xbox 360.  However I’m sure they will be better on the Xbox One.  UAV’s are worthless.  You get a SatCom now.  WTF?  You deploy it.  Doesn’t do shit for anyone anymore.  Kill streaks suck but that doesn’t matter. You won’t get them anyways.

I tried to like this game.  I was searching for anything to justify my stupid purchase but it didn’t happen.  I’m up to about a day in playing time now but it doesn’t get any better.  You can tell right away in this game that they didn’t put much time and effort into it.  I feel ripped off.  How they don’t have a polished game after releasing 500 Call of Dutys is pretty pathetic.  The franchise is officially dead in my book.

This game is a total disaster.  Please, for the love of god don’t buy it.

Did I say it’s boring?

Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

The worst of Fargo-Moorhead

Fargo, ND – It is time once again to vote for the worst places in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

Our annual compilation of all the places you hate the most is about to begin.

Of course, we need your help in the form of votes.

There are many different categories to be decided, but remember that this is for the places that you think are the worst in each category.





Here are the categories for this year’s worst:

[form form-1]


Winners will be announced sometime in the distant future.

Interview With Max Cavalera of SOULFLY


If you’re familiar at all with the underground metal community, you’ve heard of Max Cavalera. He’s been hard at work writing and performing his own brand of ferocious, unapologetic heavy metal for almost 30 years.

This month he takes his band SOULFLY on the road through North America. They will be accompanied by his stepson Richie Cavalera’s band INCITE and his sons Igor and Zyon Cavalera’s band LODY KONG. The “Maximum Cavalera Tour” makes its stop in Fargo on February 27th at the House of Rock. I caught up with Max to get his insight on the upcoming tour and his most recent SOULFLY album:

LISTEN TO THE INTERVIEW HERE: Max_Cavalera_Interview_2122013

Nick Hirchert: Thanks for taking some time to talk with me. You’ve got less than a week until you hit the road again…

Max Cavalera: We actually leave tomorrow. We start the tour tomorrow in San Diego. We’re very excited about the Maximum Cavalera Tour. The whole family on tour again. It’s gonna be great, man, we’ve got Zyon playing drums for SOULFLY which is gonna keep it more in the family. We’ve got a killer setlist prepared. A lot of great songs. It’s good to be back on the road again. I’m just excited to be back on the road. It’s been too long, if you ask me.

Nick: Fantastic. When was the last time you played a show?

Max: Two months ago I was in South America with CAVALERA CONSPIRACY with my brother Igor and before that, I was with SOULFLY in Europe. About five months ago we did a big European tour, so, it’s about time to get back on the road here. I gotta ask you, is it cold there? Like real cold?

Nick: (laughs) You don’t wanna know, man! 

Max: Oh, yeah, I wanna know! (laughs)

Nick: It snowed so bad a couple days ago that they had to shut the entire city down the following day. 

Max: Holy crap!

Nick: It was a disaster!

Max: Wow. So, I better get some warm clothes then, huh?

Nick: Yeah, bring a parka if you’ve got it, maybe some long underwear… (laughs)

Max: Whoa, yeah, I am packing right now, so…after this interview I gotta go pack! (laughs)

Nick: The Maximum Cavalera tour follows up the release of your newest album “Enslaved”. What can you tell us about the new record? Is this Soulfly as we’ve come to know it or are there new innovations to your band’s sound?


Max: “Enslaved” was a big step forward for SOULFLY. It was a heavier record, a very extreme kind of record. Some of the stuff even sounds like death metal which is really cool. I’ve been listening to a lot of stuff like that, bands like I DECLARE WAR, MOLOTOV SOLUTION, ACACIA STRAIN, PSYCROPTIC. So I wanted to make a heavier record because i’ve been into a lot of this new heavy kind of stuff and, of course, my love for death metal goes way back to the SEPULTURA days, so it was really kind of cool to make a record like that. I think it surprised a lot of fans who didn’t expect it.

We’re gonna open the show with “Plata O Plomo” this time, which is totally different. It’s a song that Tony and I sing in Spanish and Portuguese. That’s gonna be really cool and different. I’m really looking forward to this tour. We’re gonna play songs from all the SOULFLY records, even some SEPULTURA stuff and NAILBOMB which is a project I did with a lot of people. I got to dig up some different SEPULTURA songs to play, like “Straighthate” which is the first song I worked on when I did the “Roots” record. My son, Zyon wanted to play “Straighthate” during the set, so I think it’s gonna be great, man. It’s gonna be fun having the whole family on stage with me.

Nick: You have three sons (stepson Richie: INCITE, sons Igor and Zyon: LODY KONG) touring with you in their respective bands for this round of dates. How would you best describe their style of music?

Max: INCITE is more like LAMB OF GOD which is really great. I love that kind of style. I love that energetic kind of metal. It’s also melodic with really cool guitars on it and Richie is a killer frontman. I think he does a really great job. LODY KONG is completely different from everything else. They’re kind of like FUDGE TUNNEL, like THE MELVINS or MASTODON. Punk-metal, kind of heavy. I am so proud that both bands are completely different from what I do. That’s what I think is cool about our family’s bands. LODY KONG and INCITE sound nothing like SOULFLY and we’re all together on the same tour. That is gonna make the whole package different.

Nick: I agree. I’m really looking forward to it. You’ve got a pretty decent mix here and you keep it all in the family, so that’s excellent. “Enslaved” contains a song titled ‘Revengeance’  that credits contributions from you, Richie, Igor and Zyon. How did that song come about?

Max: There was an idea to do a family song. We decided to write about their brother Dana who was murdered in 1996. It has really deep, heartful lyrics. Each one of us wrote our own verses for the song and we’re all singing the chorus together. It was a very special day in the studio and the song turned out really killer. I love the energy of it, and it’s one of my favorite parts of the SOULFLY show when we all come together and do ‘Revengeance’ because it’s the end of the set. I see a lot of people taking pictures when I do that song. It’s great. We play that every night. I’m looking forward to the tour. I can’t stay home that much. If I stay home for more than 2 weeks I go crazy! I feel at home when i’m on the road, man, the road is my home. I love it. I’ve been on the road for 30 years now doing this shit. You get used to it, become addicted. I still love touring. Going from city to city, meeting the fans, playing the show, watching out the window of the tour bus. All that is part of the great experience of being on the road.

Nick: In the past, you’ve collaborated in-studio with some of the biggest names in rock. Did anyone lend their talents to the new album?

Max: Yeah, with SOULFLY, every record has at least 2 people from bands that I like. On the new record we had Travis from CATTLE DECAPITATION on “World Scum” which is a heavy, heavy song and there was a song with Dez (Fafara) from DEVILDRIVER. I know Dez from back in his COAL CHAMBER days. They used to tour with SEPULTURA. Dez is a great guy. We did “Redemption of Man By God” which is a religious kind of song. The next record that i’m working on in the studio later this year i’m recording with Terry Date, who is a great producer who did work with SOUNDGARDEN, WHITE ZOMBIE, PANTERA. I’m so excited to actually work on a whole record with him. That’s gonna come out next year and have 2 other guests. I don’t know who they are yet. It’s a blessing to be able to do these collaborations.

Nick: That’s very unique, to be able to share your talents in studio.

Max: I’m not competing with anybody. To me, it’s more about sharing the love of your music with your friends. That’s what’s great about being a musician. We are all a part of something. Metal unites everybody, from here to Singapore, to Japan, to Indonesia. Metal is metal. When you see someone with a black shirt and camouflage pants in the airport, you know this guy is metal so you can say ‘what’s up’, you know? That’s what’s great about it and what I love about collaborations. I get to work with my favorite people. Bands like CATTLE DECAPITATION–that’s not a huge band, but I love their music. They don’t need to be as big as METALLICA to work with me.

Nick: You recently made an appearance on the video game Grand Theft Auto IV by way of some downloadable content; DJ-ing for the “Blood Fire War Hate Death Metal Show” featured on one of the in-game radio stations. What was that like?

Max: It was great. I got to be a DJ on a radio station so I got to play a lot of my old favorite death metal songs I grew up with in the 80s and 90s. I play a lot of ENTOMBED, MORBID ANGEL, CARCASS, NAPALM DEATH, KREATOR. A lot of stuff that young kids today don’t know about. Without those bands, there wouldn’t be newer stuff like SUICIDE SILENCE and LAMB OF GOD–they all came from these kind of bands. I don’t really play video games much myself, but it was fun to be part of it, to be invited to do that.

Nick: With Soulfly, you put forth a very unique sound with Brazilian influence, what one could call tribal metal. Songs about war and fighting oppression. What would you say inspires your songwriting?


Max: Through the years it started with SEPULTURA, the album “Arise” (1990) was the first time we kind of did that. There’s a jungle intro on “Arise” for the song “Altered State”. After that, we got more interested in Brazilian, started listening to more of our native sounds. We thought it’d be cool to mix metal with tribal rhythm. Not a lot of people were doing that back then so it was kind of unique. We were pioneers of it, and it felt cool to do it. “Roots” (1996) was big. We did that in a big way. We recorded with a tribe in Brazil, did an amazing collaboration with a real tribe in Brazil. It was so awesome. When I did “Soulfly I” (self-titled album, 1998) I continued the Brazilian element. I was working with the guys from CHICO SCIENCE on that record. I really like the style that came out on “Soulfly I” and it continued, but through the years I didn’t want to repeat myself. I kept looking for different things. That’s why I did albums like “Prophecy” and “Dark Ages” that were more thrash, heavier. Then “Enslaved” which is more death metal just because I always wanted to keep doing something different.

Nick: I understand you’re putting together an autobiography? Can you give us an update on that?

Max: Yeah, i’ve been working on it the last 2 years, man. It’s been great, been a lot of work. Nonstop interviews. It’s going to be very, very detailed. Stories from childhood, the creation of SEPULTURA, then the creation of SOULFLY to everything i’ve been through. There’s some funny stuff, like Lemmy (Kilmister) pouring whiskey on my head. I call that my “baptism”. I said I was baptized by Lemmy when he did that. Of course, he was doing that to get rid of me (laughs). There’s a lot of fun stuff like that. Interviews with a lot of cool people in bands. Tom Araya, Chino from DEFTONES, Sean Lennon, Sharon Osborne. The introduction of the book is gonna be done by Dave Grohl. He loves “Roots” as one of his favorite records ever. It’s gonna come out before the end of the year. I can’t wait for people to read it. It explains a lot of facts people don’t know about me, like why I really left SEPULTURA. The real reason behind it.

Nick: You’ve been writing and performing heavy metal music pretty consistently since the mid 80s. What advice would you give to any musicians eager to follow in your footsteps?

Max: I think first thing, you’ve got to love what you do because it’s a hard road. I still, even today…we’re not millionaires. Nobody makes millions of dollars. We do this because we love it. We struggle like a lot of people do, you know. We have garage sales and shit like that at my house to try to make ends meet, man, especially now that people don’t buy CDs. It became harder and harder in music, but you survive just getting by. It’s the love of music. It’s your joy. For me, when I grab my guitar and write riffs, it’s a great feeling. I get satisfied just doing that and when I know that thousands of people are gonna hear that on record that gets me excited to do more and to keep doing it. I’ve been doing this for 30 years. It’s been amazing. I wouldn’t change my life for anything. I’ve been blessed to be in a famous band, SEPULTURA, then got out of there and got to be successful with the 2nd band. Not many people have had that chance. Most people just get one shot, but I had a 2nd shot with SOULFLY and took it and made it through. It’s a lot of hard work, man. You’ve got to be committed. Got to be ready to do everything; ready to do what the other person will not. That’s what makes the difference between making it or not; you’ve got to be ready to do the things the other person will not do.

The Maximum Cavalera Tour hits the House of Rock at the Hub in Fargo on 2/27. BUY TICKETS HERE

Stay in touch with Max and his band SOULFLY:

Official site:

On Twitter: 

Facebook fan page:

Album Review: Chimaira/Chimaira

Chimaira- Chimaira (2005)

Chimaira’s self-titled follow up to Impossibility Of Reason is not what you’d call “picking up where the band left off” but a turn in a darker, more intense direction of songwriting and guitar playing. Impossibility Of Reason came out in the year 2003 as their 3rd official studio album, the follow up to their major-label debut Pass Out Of Existence. The band toured relentlessly throughout a two-year period to promote IOR. They paid visit to small venues and arenas, their live performance reflecting the supersonic power of their studio work. This garnered them a legion of fans who i’m sure have eagerly anticipated their 4th release.  Through the creation of their first three albums, Chimaira have honed their songwriting and musical skills that have made the album Chimaira their very best. To get an idea of the band’s sound (for those of you who haven’t listened) one has to imagine this hideous mixture: A Slipknot/Metallica hybrid fueled by Jagermeister and suffering from an uncontrollable fit of ‘roid rage.  

This album has been widely considered as a kind of “epic” with songs as long as five to seven minutes in length, sans the repetitiveness and monotony you might expect. This provides a broader spectrum of experimental guitar riffs and solos sequenced with a decent mix of sampling that doesn’t go overboard. The album of course has what made Chimaira
famous- Mark Hunter’s screaming vocal talents as well as Rob Arnold’s lightning-quick guitar riffs that will make your blood shake. The song “Nothing Remains” shows true emotion on display as it was written on the very same day Dimebag Darrel Abbott was murdered. The same goes for the albums closing track “Lazarus”, a meaningful, brooding 7 & 1/2 minute mind-bender written about a friend who committed suicide 11 years ago. With Chimaira, the band evolves into a more mature and involved sound but doesn’t escape from the amped-up heaviness fans have come to expect.  

My favorite song on this disc is “Salvation”, and my very hard to choose least favorite song is “Inside the Horror.” “Salvation” contains a furious breakdown starting at about the 3:10 point that pretty much defines what metal is supposed to sound like. Unbeatable. “Inside the Horror” is my least favorite song simply because it’s the only song that lacks the sonic ferocity all the other tracks possess. I felt that what this album is missing is maybe a track or two containing some slower, drawn out riffs and a small amount of vocal melody. However, such is not part of this particular group’s M.O. They will come at you with blitzkrieg-style guitar shredding and a guttural scream that would force Coldplay through the nearest wall. All in all, I give this album a definite 10 out of 10 as one of my favorites and also one of the best metal albums ever produced.

Sample and buy the album HERE