Tag Archives: fm observer

Man-On-The-Street Checking The ZeitGeist

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Checking the Zeitgeist out on the streets of Fargo, North Dakota

Fargo, ND – Our man Jay Hazer is back out on the streets of Fargo once again to check the Zeitgeist of what’s happening in the Fargo area and how real local folks are feeling these days.

Jay Hazer: Scuze me, how do you feel about the Zeitgeist?

Man #1: What the hell are you talking about? And get this fracking microphone out of my mouth before I clock you!

Jay Hazer: Hello, my name’s Jay Hazer. How’s the Zeitgeist…in your opinion?

Grandma #2: Oh, is that that new green car my son was wanting me to buy?

Jay Hazer: Zeitgeist! What do you think about its current state?

Cop #3: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you for your ID please.

Jay Hazer: Mind if I ask you your feelings on today’s Zeitgeist?

Priest #4: Well, they’re not good. God tells me that at this rate, we’re all going to hell.

Jay Hazer: Excuse me…Hi, I’m asking people about the Zeitgeist.

Child #5: My Hatchimal didn’t work right. Can you help me fix my Hatchimal?

Jay Hazer: Man-on-the-street here. Just wondering what you think about the Zeitgeist?

Zen Monk #6: The wind blows. A dog barks. Distance train heading for an explosive crash.

FMO’s Buddy Driscoll Will Be Driving The #99 Car In The Daytona 500 Race

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“Bloody” Buddy Driscoll will be driving the #99 car in the Daytona 500 for the FM Observer Team!

Daytona Beach, FL – The FM Observer will be watching the Daytona 500 this year with an extra element of excitement.

Buddy “Bloody” Driscoll will be our designated driver and driving the #99 Nascar in hopes of taking the checkered flag for the FM Observer Team after 200 times around the track.

Buddy, who is 52 years young, will drive a green Toyota Tercel while his brother Dickie Driscoll, who was born under a car, will be his pit crew chief.

Bloody Buddy Driscoll grew up racing in Ireland where he blew away his competition while winning over the crowds with his “aggressive” style. After most of his races, he ended up quite bloody, thus his catchy nickname: Bloody Driscoll.

Buddy credits all his success in his stellar career to one proven strategery: Use what’s working and throw the rest out the window! While racing, Buddy has one singular focus and that is on pure speed, because Buddy always says: Speed Wins Races!

FMObserver To Purchase City Of Fargo For Undisclosed Number Of Bitcoins

FMO in talks to purchase City of Fargo

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is in consideration talks to purchase the entire City of Fargo.

Our top-notch negotiators have been assiduously working on securing a mutually beneficial deal with the City of Fargo.

Since it is so difficult to ascertain an accurate dollar value of the City of Fargo, an overall appraisal is trying to be calculated in bitcoins.

Once the bitcoin value has been determined and agreed upon, negotiations will then proceed until both parties see eye-to-eye and ceremonially shake hands.

After the FM Observer has taken over full ownership of Fargo, things will seamlessly move forward without any noticeable changes for those who live here except perhaps all the new signage indicating that Fargo, along with everyone and everything in it, will now be owned and operated by the FM Observer.

FMO Planning An Exciting Bus Tour Excursion For Our Readers To The Fossil Fish Festival

Join us for the Fossil Fish Festival. It’s a fun way to waste a weekend and also a great way to meet people you normally would want to avoid.

West Fargo, ND – The FMO Tour Bus is being cleaned out (from our last trip to the State Prison) for our next Reader Tour Fun Package!

Where are we going this time? To Wyoming, to see the amazing Fossil Fish Festival on February 18th!

You may ask yourself: Whyoming? Well, because that’s where the Fossil Fish Festival is being held – in Laramie, which is in the state of Wyoming, which is somewhere North of Colorado.

This will be the 30th anniversary of the designation of the wonderful fossil fish “Knightia”, who is Wyoming’s official state fossil which evolved roughly 50 million years ago!

This extinct fossil fish has served as Wyoming’s State Fossil Fish for 30 years and because it is so similar to herring, they will be serving expensive pickled herring for a nominal fee of $50 per person.

Sign up for our Fossil Fish Festival Fun Package at our Corporate Office Park.

The cost for the entire Fun Package is $999.99 which does not include any food, drinks, lodging, tips, and/or emergency medical attention.

Sign up early and often so we have enough time to do some extreme vetting into your personal life and of those who may be sitting next to you for the 36 hour round trip.

FMO’s Public Service Announcements For The Weeks Of February 8-22

Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here are your Public Service Announcements from the FM Observer for the weeks of February 8 to February 22 in order of first to last:

☺Nome Fletcher would like to challenge anyone to fight him in his garage. Nome is suffering from Hypofightroid Disease and finds that physical pummelling tends to calm him down over time.

☺Dr. Pat Markus who has been studying how to hypnotize people will be doing a free workshop on how to start smoking cigarettes. Dr. Markus asks all interested guinea pigs to show up at the school gym and please remember to bring some smokes and a lighter.

☺Mildred Hazlitt needs someone to help her re-organize her kitchen cupboards. She thinks there might be some out-dated items in the hard-to-reach back areas which maybe haven’t been touched since 1951.

☺Stumpy Elsdorf is wondering if anyone would lend him a gun for the weekend. Stumpy has some unfinished business to attend to and promises to return the gun if he is still alive on Monday.

☺The Noxmeyer family needs a clown to show up at little Tommy’s birthday party which will be held at Chuck-E-Cheese on Wednesday at 4PM. Since little Tommy is quite afraid of clowns after going to the circus, the Noxmeyers are asking for no funny business.

☺Judd Cluff found an old collection of used Halloween masks in his attic and is willing to sell them for almost nothing so he can buy himself a new dog after Wuffer died of boredom.

☺Connie Weltan is trying to plan her wedding but cannot get any firm commitments to be bridesmaids for the ceremony. If you would like to be in Connie’s wedding party, please show up for the rehearsal on Thursday afternoon at the church right after the Judge Judy Show is over.

☺Konrad Butner will be auctioning off a King James Bible which is believed to have been autographed by King James himself. The silent auction will take place in Konrad’s living room. Please bring a non-perishable food item for Konrad’s kitchen and remember to be quiet.

☺Jevon Rydzynski will be giving away his favorite ant farm since his potential girl friend says she won’t enter his apartment until he “gets rid of the damn thing”.

☺The Friendship Circle Of Hope will be hosting a Nihilism Support Group for those who have nothing going on in their lives and who also believe that nothing plus nothing equals nothing.

FMO’s Public Service Announcements For The Fortnight Of January 24 To February 7

Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here are your Public Service Announcements offered freely and voluntarily from the FM Observer for the weeks of January 24 to February 7 in no particularly discernable order:

☺Clem Erdman has begun selling Acme cleaning products that are almost guaranteed to be the best cleaning products you have ever boughten [sic] from a sidewalk salesman.

☺The Job Training Centre will be offering free instruction for the following jobs: Chimney Sweeps, Sewer Inspectors, High-Altitude Window Washers, Grave Diggers, and Paralegals.

☺Martha Wippler has a decorative vase that she would like to give to a good home. She says it was given to her by her aunt Betsy Maye who went to Korea in search of an adoptee.

☺Dawn Slanders will be hosting a live cooking demonstration at the former Piggly Wiggly grocery store. Dawn will be sharing her secrets on how to make toast.

☺The Family Walk-In Clinic is planning a free seminar on what to do with your pain medications that have passed their expiration date.

☺Stanley Flash needs someone to help him figure out how to use the new smartphone which was recently sent to Stan by his son Jumpin’ Jack.

☺Is your gambling problem causing problems at home? Join a roundtable discussion group which meets at the Black Jack tables in the Bamboo Lounge every Thursday night from 8 until midnight.

☺Debi Tica has 30 cases of Diet Coke for sale for only $2 per case after Debi recently got diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes.

☺Now that the spring melt has begun, Ernie Munnie needs someone to clean up his back yard where his dog Biscuits spends a lot of time barking at nothing.

☺The Integration Institute will be teaching English as a second language specifically for people from Somalia. Baro inaad Ingiriisi wax wanaagsan ku hadal.

☺Euell Eskelson has a few openings for ukelele lessons. Euell claims he can teach anyone to play ukelele like a pro in less than a year.

☺The Caregiver Support Group will be having a wine tasting party featuring 18 wines from the Upper Midwest region. Participants will be invited to vote for their top ten favorite wines.

FMO’s Award-Winning List Of Things To Do During The Holiday Season

Ho Ho Holidays! Enjoy our list of fun things to do with those who love you.

North Pole, ND – We are very proud to present FMO’s award-winning list of fun, helpful, creative, and productive things to do during the sometimes-stressful Christmas holiday season.

When the days are short and the nights are long, tis fun to play a game or perhaps sing a song.

Each of the following ideas of fun things to do during The Holidaze is a clickable hyperlink in case you want more information on that subject.

Items on this award-winning and comprehensive list are presented in no particular order and are a 100% free service to our beloved readers, at no charge to you (other than the normal monthly “Zuckerberg” service fee that we already automatically take out of your FMO account).

Buy some Hatchimals for a fun Christmas surprise.
Decorate by wrapping framed pictures.
Bake home-made cookies to use as real money.
Play the new hit game called Add-On Swear Word.
Have an eggnog drinking contest.
Start working on your New Years Resolutions!
Light a special candle for World Peace.
Take time to review your own personal Bucket List.
Write your own wrap song and wrap it to a steady beat.
Get outdoors by playing some winter paintball.
Write and send a letter to Santa.
Learn how to make a quilt.
Engage in some kangaroo boxing.
Take the family to McDonald’s to try their two newest sandwiches.
Get out and take in some local singing groups.
Order a drone-delivered pizza.
Take the entire family to go bowling!
Check out Moorhead’s famous haunted house.
Attend an alternative church service.
Play the bean bag toss game indoors.
Take in one of the many free church organ concerts.
Go downhill skiing at Detroit Mountain.
Check out the UFOs in the Sabin area.
Go get a free burger during the midnight hour.
Check out the new animals at the local zoo.
Attend the Parade of Hoarder Homes.
Read “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” out-loud to your whole family.
Sign up for FMO’s world tour.
Order Heineken delivered directly to your front door.
Win a free robot!
Consider joining PolyPax and turn your life around.
Join a community bongo band.
Take your loved ones out for all-you-can-eat pancakes.
Take a ride with Uber Jet.
Host your own Bitch Fest 3000 event!
Check yourself. Take our Sanity Test.
Visit a real upside-down house!
Try mushroom therapy with your pets.
Make sure all your shots are up-to-date.
Avoid a possible DUI by riding on the free Party Bus.
Learn how to play banjo from the best.
Make some easy money by starting a Cricket Farm.
Practice up for Fargo’s new Ping Pong teams.
Have fabulous family fun at Fargo’s new theme park.
Write some 5-7-5 syllable Haiku poems.
Gather money from penny trays for the homeless.
Take an indoor golf lesson from our pro Wade Lancer.
Try an new downtown restaurant which we recently reviewed for you.
Get a family photo professionally taken in downtown Moorhead.
Suggest the idea of having your very own snack-a-thon.
Help police look for the person who stole the Roger Maris memorabilia.
Request a free beer at any participating establishment.
Enjoy listening to The Rolling Stones new CD: Sympathy For Dementia
Gather round and play the new game: What Is A Leppo?
Visit the public library and listen to the visiting Stephen King read a book.
Visit our FMO headquarters for a Meet-and-Greet with Carson Wentz.
Check out all the classes offered at the area’s new Meta-University.
Go play Whack-A-Mole!
Win free tickets here to see Norway’s version of Madonna!
Check out upcoming destinations of the Gawk Tour Bus.
Send this free online Christmas card to anyone with whom you share love.

New Meta-University Soon To Open In FM Area!

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FMO’s new Meta-University where really smart people think about thinking and learn about learning.

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer will soon be opening the nation’s first Meta-University for Advanced Meta-Cognitional Studies.

School Meta-President Andvork Herzlinger metacognates: “While other lesser institutes of higher learning like NDSU sometimes cause people to think and learn, FMO’s Advanced MetaSchool will have its students continuously thinking about thinking and constantly learning about learning.”

First year students will learn about learning about basic ways to metacognate and the general concepts of the Metacognitive Process in today’s world of challenges.

Second year students will add knowledge about adding knowledge about advanced study skills and monitoring their own Meta-Thoughts without the use of a smartphone.

Third year students will delve into delving into Meta-Memory capabilities and how to quickly store Mnemonic Strategies into their own metabrain compartments.

Fourth year students will build on what they’ve already been building on by being able to do full-scale self analysis testing and correctly identify Cognitive Distortions which can cause faulty thinkings.

Fifth year students will learn about Organizational Metacognition and how to apply Advanced Cognitive Restructuring applications without having to join cults such as Scientology.

If you feel you have what it takes to join our Hypercognitive Staff of instructional meta-mentors, please self-interview your self and forward your meta-results to Meta-President Andvork Herzlinger who will personally contact you about your personal meta-requirements such as salary, furniture, equipment, and food items of your choice in our over-stocked meta-refrigerational nutrition pantry.

FMObserver Staff Personally Testing All Of The Various Dog Shock Collars

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We personally test each dog shock collar just for you.

West Fargo, ND – In our successful effort to be the best website on the Internet, each of our dedicated staff members has been personally testing all of the different dog shock collars on the market today.

We know that many of our faithful readers are or soon will be in the market for a shock collar for either their own canines or perhaps for a neighbor’s pooch, by way of a friendly backyard suggestion.

Shock collars, if used properly, have been shown to completely transform an attacking Bob Barker into a helpful Mahatma Gandhi.

After personally testing hundreds of shock collars, our staff recommends the Bow Wow 2000 to be the best of the best.

The Bow Wow 2000 by the Stop-It Corporation, directs a friendly nano-second two-volt pulse of electricity to its client’s neck via a stylish battery-powered collar controllable by either a convenient remote control, your smartphone, or the collar itself.

For an even bigger job, our entire staff suggests going with the Bow Wow 3000!

FMO’s Golf Pro Shares Valuable Tips To Greatly Improve Your Game

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FMO’s golf pro will use the most advanced scientific methodologies to figure out why your golf game sucks so badly.

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently hired a golf professional to join our growing staff. Wade Lancer is his name and improving your golfing is his game.

Here are a few easy ways that Wade Lancer has put together to immediately shave strokes off your scorecard and also some great extra bonus tips to help impress your golfing buddies:

Pre-Game: Take a long hot shower in the morning and then major carb load on Mexican rice, beans, and enchiladas. A margarita or two certainly couldn’t hurt either if you’re feeling nervous. This warm-up routine should help illiminate your nasty snap-hook.

Clothing: Always wear a very bright and colorful outfit to play golf. Many rounds of golf are either won or lost while standing on the first tee-off box as your playing partners secretly size up their competition. Why do you think Ricky Fowler has been so darn successful?

Driving: To find your natural grip, simply hold your golf club like you’re grabbing a pool cue to swing at a bar-room attacker. After teeing up your ball as high as possible, remain in a steady, balanced ready-position long enough to summon up all that volcanic anger you felt during yesterday’s road rage incident when that loser cut in front of you and then flipped you off. As you swing to hit the ball, focus all that pent-up anger like a funneled laser beam onto the impact point of the ball. Don’t worry about your follow through because by that time, the ball is hopefully long gone in the right direction.

Fairway Shots: Using whichever club is your favorite, always aim straight for the flag on the green and then yell “fore!” after stroking your ball. It’s OK to tee your golf ball up on a perfect tuft of grass as long as you invoke “Winter Rules” beforehand.

Driving A Cart: Quite honestly, this is the best part of golfing. Sudden starts and stops are best. Always have drinks and snacks handy. Feel free to drive over your opponent’s golf ball especially if they’re not watching.

Chipping: This is easy. Simply use your chipper to launch the ball up onto the green much like you would just toss the ball with your hand. If a player from the group behind you ever hits their ball up into your general vicinity, do that person a huge favor and immediately hit their ball back at them and say “You’re welcome!”

Putting: Clear your mind of distractions like that unopened IRS audit envelope sitting on your desk. Trust your instincts to get the ball somewhat close to the hole. Anything within a club length of the hole is considered a gimme.

For more tricks and tips to help your golf game not suck so bad, simply ask anyone looking like they might be Wade Lancer if they have time to maby watch you hit a bucket of balls.