Tag Archives: minnesota

PHI Eagles Fans Kindly Asked To Wear Purple (Instead Of Green) To Super Bowl

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As a sign of friendship, some Minneapolis bars are offering Philadelphia Eagles fans a free beer.

Minneapolis, MN – Vikings fans are kindly asking Philadelphia Eagles fans to wear purple when attending Super Bowl 52 in the Minnesota Viking’s brand new stadium.

Members of the Vikings Fans Safety Committee all agree that to ensure the safety of Philadelphia Eagles fans while entering and exiting the Vikings Stadium, they should not be wearing any green.

The VFSC stated: “To atone for their sin of mistreating Vikings fans while attending the playoff game in Philadelphia, and to show they are sorry for what they did, and that they regret their stupid, misguided actions, we Vikings fans are willing to extend an olive branch in the name of safety, and allow for safe passage of Eagles fans while in Minnesota, as long as they wear Vikings purple instead of Eagles green.”

Mall Santa Resigns After Multiple Accusations Of Groping

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Santa is asking his attorney: “Since when did groping become so politically incorrect?” Santa’s also wondering: “Why doesn’t anyone want to come near me?”

Fargo, ND – One of the real fake Santas at a well-known local Fargo shopping mall has resigned amid numerous accusations of groping any women within a “reasonable groping distance”.

Some disgusted mothers and dejected helper-elves have filed complaints to the North Pole that Santa has been groping some of these adult women during official mall photos, and even during some of Santa’s own selfies and elfies.

Renta Santa, the company from whence the mall allegedly hired this Santa, has denied any legal culpability but did say that this particular Santa had once been a Minnesota state senator who had left the arena of politics due to some “inappropriate sexual behavior”.

A linguistics expert that we consulted with said that the term “Mall” will soon no longer be politically correct because it is homonymistically so very similar to the word “Maul”.

Al Franken Dedicates New Center For Groping

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Al Franken’s Center For Groping will be a place where he can do his work.

St. Paul, MN – Yesterday Senator Al Franken proudly dedicated his new Center For Groping, which is conveniently located near the Minnesota State Fair grounds.

At the dedication ceremony, when asked about all the recent groping accusations, Senator Franken cleverly said: “Well, once a comedian, always a comedian. Hey, I was just joking around and having a little fun!”

The alleged groper went on to sincerely apologize to all the women that he has not yet groped, which was a nice segue into the official dedication ceremony for his new Center For Groping.

One Franken fan noted that since Senator Al Franken was a wrestler in high school at The Blake School, he has essentially gone from being a grappler to a groper.

Expensive Study Finds That Year 2100 Is Only About 82 Years Away

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Minnesota scientists have calculated that the Year 2100 will occur in about 82 years.

St. Paul, MN – A recently completed study for the state of Minnesota has made an astonishing discovery about the year 2100.

Minnesota scientists, working with NASA, have determined that the year 2100 in Earth Years is only about 82 years ahead of us in our communal future.

The Minnesota study was funded by a GoFundMe account which was created by Doctor Odem Fung who headed up this amazing study.

Dr. Fung in his own words: “Yes, we raised about $687 million via GoFundMe for this impotent study of which I am in charge.”

“We believe the results of the study will help Earthlings prepare for future concerns such as Global Cooling, the National Debt, Zika Virus, Male Gropers, and the Second Coming of Christ.”

Ironically, all the letters in Odem Fung can be re-arranged to spell: Go Fund Me!

Eddie Money Cover Band ‘Edward Currency’ To Open For Eddie Money

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Edward Currency. Will they steal the show from Eddie Money?

Mahnomen, MN – An upcoming tour stop for classic rock icon Eddie Money could get even more interesting than it previously was with a last-minute addition to the show’s lineup. The scheduled opening act being forced to bail left the promoters with a split-second decision to make. Lo and behold, did anyone expect this gift from above to fall right into our lap? An Eddie Money cover band volunteered to fill the slot!

Two for the price of one is the theme for Friday night’s show. The fill-in band, named Edward Currency, is an Eddie Money cover band from Eagan. They will rock you, they say, even better than the real thing.

“Shakin'”, “Two Tickets to Paradise” and “Take Me Home Tonight” will likely be performed twice in the same evening by two different-yet-similar bands, in essence an awkward competition.

Edward Currency lead singer Rabe Corpio calls this a dream come true. “Getting to perform our idol’s songs, before our idol, on the same night as our idol. This is my dream. This is my moment. These tears you see, they are tears of joy as my soul is now completely devoid of sorrow. Tomorrow, my mark on the world will be made, etched in stone amongst the annals of rock and roll cover band elite.”

The main man seemed dubious over this strange turn of events. “Let them try,” A curious and brooding Eddie Money replied when asked about the possibility of being upshown by his doppelgangers.

Deja vu will likely be in widespread attendance tomorrow at the Shooting Star. Tickets for this extraordinary event are still on sale.

New MN State Record Set For Smallest Walleye Ever Caught

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This baby walleye sets the new record for the smallest walleye ever caught in the state of Minnesota!

Lakes, MN – Dr. Wayne Tilley didn’t know what he was in for during the Minnesota walleye fishing opener.

Wayne had no idear he would soon be the new state record-holder for the smallest walleye ever successfully reeled in since fishing records first began being kept back during the Taft administration.

Dr. Tilley plans to have the beautiful specimen stuffed and mounted for his children’s children to share with their children, if North Korea hasn’t nuked us by then.

Wayne Tilley in his own words: “Even tho it was only about four inches long and weighed in at about a quarter ounce, the darn little rascal put up a pretty good fight!“

Ironically, all the letters in Wayne Tilley can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Tiny Walleye!

Groups Of Homeless Living In Trees East Of Glyndon

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Each homeless group elects their own mayor.

Glyndon, MN – Even though you perhaps cannot see them from Highway 10 as you’re driving to/fro Detroit Lakes, they can certainly see you driving by.

Many of the groups of trees visible from Highway 10 just East of Glyndon, Minisoda now house numerous groups of homeless people living in hammocks and cleverly designed lean-to shelters.

By mastering most of the survival techniques in the U.S. Army Survival Manual, these groups of homeless folks are “doing quite well for themselves,” so says Dr. Helbert Tessler who has been studying people who live in shelter belts as part of his doctoral thesis for the past 20 years.

Dr. Tessler: “What these survivalists are doing today is not dissimilar to what the original pioneers did back in the 18th century.”

Ironically, Helbert Tessler can be rearranged into: Shelter Belters!

If You See This Chipmunk, Contact Your Local Authorities Immediately

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Considered to be a "chipmunk of interest", authorities would like to question this little guy.

Considered to be a “chipmunk of interest”, authorities would like to question this little guy.

Lakes, MN – The authorities are asking for your help in finding this chipmunk who goes by the name of “Mr. Chippy”.

Mr. Chippy is considered by local authorities to be a “chipmunk of interest” in a rash of burglaries and break-ins throughout the Minnesota lakes area.

Some of the things cabin dwellers have found to be missing include nuts, acorns, seeds, mushrooms, corn, berries, slugs, and snails.

Mr. Chippy is possibly armed and dangerous. He may have food and weapons stockpiled in his burrow.

If you see this Minnesota menace who stands at about 4 inches tall, has black stripes down his back and a bushy little tail, please remain calm in your home, and call your local authorities immediately to report the situation.

If Mr. Chippy should approach you while outside your home, toss a peanut away from yourself which should allow you time to quickly run into your home and lock the doors and windows.

Pinochle Banned In The State Of North Dakota

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North Dakota bans Pinochle!

North Dakota bans Pinochle!

Bismarck, ND – In its infinite wisdom, the state of North Dakota has banned the game of Pinochle.

Based on an anonymous complaint from Mr. Simon DeFalco that some other seasoned citizens were playing Pinochle for untaxed prizes, the ND legislature unanimously passed a bill outlawing Pinochle in North Dakota.

Pinochle is an ancient card game dating back to the Greeks. Socrates taught Plato Pinochle, who in turn taught Aristotle, who in turn brought Pinochle to America on the Pinta with Columbus in 1492.

Pinochle players in North Dakota will now either have to: 1. switch to Cribbage, 2. take their Pinochle playing underground and behind curtains, or 3. travel to Minnesota, which is one of the most liberal states in the nation when it comes to playing Pinochle.

The heart-felt reaction to the new law from the president of North Dakota’s Pinochle Clubs, Mr. Diamond Spader went like this: “Well, when Pinochle is outlawed, then only outlaws will play Pinochle.”

Minnesota’s Turtle Hunting Season Soon To Open

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Brave turtle hunters will soon begin their quest to kill a prize turtle.

Brave turtle hunters will soon begin their quest to kill a large turtle to make turtle soup.

Turtle River, MN – It’s almost that exciting time of year again when turtle hunters of all shapes and sizes come out of their shells and gear up to go turtle hunting.

Minnesota reports that a record number of turtle hunting licenses have been sold this year.

Last year nearly 90,000 turtles were harvested from Minnesota lakes, rivers, and swamps.

Mondo Chafley is the president of Turtles Unlimited: “Yah, me ready to go turtle huntin. Me wana make turtle soup for dah hole family.”

By participating in Minnesota’s annual turtle hunt, people can re-enact American history going way back to 1805:

The story goes that a popular British rock band named Lewis & Clark was on tour in Minnesota with their families. They enjoyed the sport of turtle hunting so much that their sons eventually went on the form the band “The Turtles” who topped the charts with their smash hit: “Happy Together”.