Category Archives: News

New Luxury Apartment Complex Resembles Stairs

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New modern apartment complex built to resemble a flight of stairs.

Modern new apartment complex in Dubai built to resemble an actual flight of stairs.

Dubai, United Arab Emirates – In the city where architectural rules are regularly being broken and rewritten, Dubai has now introduced yet another new trick.

Luxury apartments known as the “Stairway To Heaven” are now being built in a tiered-fashion to look just like a flight of stairs.

The architect who first came up with the idea is Shimo Zukushichi, the head of Zukushichi Architectural Productions (ZAP).

Shimo says the idea zapped him while he was walking up a flight of stairs in a New York hospital during one of his many recent detox sessions.

During a special moment, Shimo asked himself: “What if we built luxury living spaces like steps, where one person’s large patio deckage was another person’s roof?”

Inside view of the "Stairway To Heaven".

Inside view of the “Stairway To Heaven”.

President of Interiors By Dame, Dame Chambers, says: “The interiors are absolutely exquisite–very Trumpesque. Plus, each patio area can double as a helipad for easy walk-in access to your ‘Step’. Shimo and his people at ZAP should be very proud of themselves.”

Shimo says the price-point for the “Stairway To Heaven” Steps will be in the $20-$25 million range. After the “Stairway To Heaven” project has been completed, Zukushichi Architectural Productions is planning future projects that looks like a coffee table, a chair, and a pizza.

Billy Bob Thornton Buys Haunted House Near Fargo, ND

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Billy Bob has found his new haunt.

Billy Bob finds a new haunt.

Moorhead, MN – Billy Bob Thornton said it was “destiny” when he came across an article describing a haunted house for sale in Moorhead, MN, located just across the river from Fargo, ND. The star, whose affinity for the macabre is well known, was quoted exclaiming, “Sheeet yeah, that place is straight-up Billy Bobscene, y’all.” He then proceeded to grab his pet Python, Fang, along with a bottle of whiskey and jump into his helicopter which whirred off into the night.

Apparently, Billy Bob has been looking for a unique home in the Red River Valley for months. After clinching the lead in FX’s upcoming series, Fargo, the actor began searching for what he called, “A place to dig in and develop my character’s roots. Plus, I gotta get that accent down, you know? I’m all southern-trailer-park-redneck and my character is northwoods-ax-murdery-dude. Hell’s bells.”

Moorhead locals near the notoriously wicked haunted house have mixed feelings about their quirky new neighbor. Area resident, Patty Berger said, “Well, when you’ve been living next door to Satan’s sanctuary, it’s hard to see how things could get much worse. Still, better the devil you know than the devil you don’t, right? I guess all we can do is hope for the best. Some Hollywood kook who’d wear blood around his neck might be just creepy enough to scare out those damned demons. God help us if he can’t do it.”

Billy Bob's House

Haunted house

Reps for Mr. Thornton would not confirm the actor’s current whereabouts, but sightings have been reported in and around Fargo-Moorhead for weeks. When asked if she had ever actually seen Billy Bob, Patty Berger looked up at the sky quizzically. “You know, come to think of it, I might have. I saw a strange man on the sidewalk a few days ago with a snake over one shoulder. He was a little guy…kinda funny looking.”

Is it solid proof that the celebrity has taken up residence in his new haunt? Probably not. Are folks up here prrrrreetttty sure that Billy Bob’s “In Da House”? Oh, you betcha.

Moorhead Haunted House Worth Avoiding

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Experts say that on a scale of H1-H5, this haunted house is an H5!

Moorhead, MN – If you don’t believe in haunted houses, this place might change your mind. Whatever problems the City of Moorhead has, they can add this one to their list.

This haunted house sits at the end of a street in north Moorhead near the edge of town. We were told to not print the address for obvious public safety reasons. Because it is so severely haunted, no realtor can sell the place and the city can’t tear it down because it doggedly defends itself.

The story goes that an older lady lived there with her dog. Neighbors say that she was known to give away chocolate-covered doggy treats to children for Helloween. During one long cold winter, both she and her dog froze while sitting in her rocking chair, after the city disconnected her power.

Depending on its mood, the house sometimes changes color. Doors will automagically open if it decides to let someone in. Once inside, you might not be able to leave when you want. Cell phones don’t work inside the place except to show a freaky picture of an old dead lady along with a scrolling message that says: “Can’t call 9-1-1? Try calling 6-6-6!”

Realtor Sylvia Lamar: “Just imagine trying to show a home to a young prospective couple. You drive up on a sunny day and it’s raining on the home. A murder of crows lands on the roof as you walk up to it. While inside, the old rocking chair starts to slowly rock back and forth. The toaster pops up and the smoke detector goes off. The cupboards start violently opening and closing. When your clients nervously ask if the house is haunted, what are you supposed to say?!” She went on to admit that “it was literally like being trapped inside a nightmare, especially when the floors started to move, and weird barking sounds echoed up from the dank basement.”

Police surveillance cameras show that during every full moon, the front door opens to allow stray dogs to enter. Apparently they each come away with one chocolate-covered doggy treat.

UPDATE: Billy Bob buys haunted house!

Billy Bob: New owner of a very haunted house in the East Fargo area.

Billy Bob: New owner of a very haunted house in the East Fargo area.

Fargo Man Rescued From Toilet

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Fargo, ND – You heard it here first folks.  A local Fargo resident was rescued from his toilet late last night.

Late last night at around 10 p.m, the Fargo police department received a call about a missing person.  Brent had stated that he had not seen his neighbor in over three days and was very concerned.  This prompted police to visit the neighbor’s home.

After arriving, police knocked on the door multiple times but with no response. One officer was walking to the back of the home when he thought he heard someone from inside say “please.”

With that knowledge, police rammed down the front door.  Upon immediately entering, the officers heard a man say calmy, “For the love of hippopotamus dicks….can you pleeeeease get me some toilet paper?”

Officers were stunned.  It seems the neighbor, named Jim, had been trapped on the toilet seat for three entire days because he ran out of toilet paper and refused to get up.

When asked why he didn’t just get up and get something to wipe, he simply stated, “Ew.”

Today, Jim is happy. He’s thankful to the officers for saving his life.

“If it wasn’t for those kind and sweet officers, I’d probably be dead.  Be dead or still sitting on that toilet seat.” – Jim

Fargo Facing Severe Clown Shortage

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Bozo says the only thing funny about a shortage of clowns is the clowns.

Fargo, ND – While our country is experiencing a national clown shortage, Fargo’s clown shortage is in the severe-to-extreme category. Circus folk have been warning for years that a clown shortage was looming on the horizon but everyone just laughed it off as a joke. Now it seems like it’s just as hard to find a good clown as it is to find an honest politician.

Uncle Peepers, who’s the president of Clown College, says this unprecedented shortage is the result of a perfect storm. He explains: “Sadly, as older clowns fade away, we aren’t seeing a lot of new clowns to replace them. Some clowns have retired to the Funny Farm. Many are making phone calls from their horizontal phone booth. And others, like Al Franken, are jumping ship and going into politics.”

Dr. Funny Bones, who heads up Clowns International Association (CIA), concurs with Uncle Peepers. Dr. Funny Bones believes there’s been a declining interest in clowning because of new regulations that have resulted in much higher standards for the jokesters. “Clowning just isn’t cool anymore. Once the governments started getting involved, it took most of the fun out of it” says Dr. Funny Bones.

To deal with Fargo’s severe shortage of clowns, local leaders want to host a Clown Convention this summer in Island Park. George Looney, Fargo’s Director of Fun & Games, came up with the conventional idea as a way to possibly recruit a clown or two to choose Fargo as their home. Mr. Looney says that quite a few nationally known clowns have shown an interest in attending, including: Bozo, Cupcake, Dimples, Bubbles, Zero, Smiley, Sparkles, Mr. Whiskers, Lulu, Sunshine, Chuckles, Polka Dot, Ruffles, Jazzy, and Bingo.

If you have a good idea for how Fargo can attract more clowns to the area, please contact the Fargo City Commission, so they can discuss this important subject at an upcoming meeting.

leatherman charge tti

Multi-tools Review

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If you didn’t know, I just recently got back from a trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo.  I have been looking at vacation/retirement property there for a while now.  During my trip I got to use a variety of different multi-tools.  Below I will show the ones I had the pleasure of using and then make my own suggestions on how to improve it.

1. Leatherman Charge TTi

leatherman charge tti

When Leatherman made the Charge TTi, they combined all of the most requested features into one functional tool. The TTi’s premium comfort-sculpted titanium handle scales and an S30V® stainless steel clip-point knife to really take this multi-tool to the next level. Who says a multi-tool can’t be sexy?

  • PRIMARY BLADE LENGTH: 2.9 in | 7.37 cm
  • CLOSED LENGTH: 4 in | 10 cm
  • WEIGHT: 8.2 oz | 232 g

Suggestions To Improve: Add a gas powered chainsaw.  Situated next to the minisaw, Leatherman should add a real gas powered chainsaw to its blade arsenal.  The minisaw is not suitable to cut down large adult trees.  When your life is on the line lost in the wooods, building a tree house is your first priority and a gas powered chainsaw will help you do just that.

 

2. 4-In-1 Woodsman

zippo multitool

Woodsman 4-in-1 Tool. It chops, saws, pounds and pulls. An Axe, Bow Saw, Mallet and Stake Puller… you get them all! So you can cut through a tangle of brush and tree limbs, set up and take down a tent or blind, and conquer just about anything else that crops up when you’re in the wild. From camping to survival: Steel Hatchet has 5″ blade; 15″ Bow Saw cuts oak up to 4″ in diameter; Mallet helps you put up tent in a hurry… even when ground is hard; Stake puller gets you on the road sooner.

  • Product Dimensions: 2 x 21 x 9 inches ; 3.4 pounds

Suggestions To Improve: I think the only thing missing from this bad boy is to add an electric leaf blower.  When camping out in the wild, there are always those pesky leaves falling around your campsite.  With this, you would never have to worry about a leaf ridden camp site again.  It will also work as a bear protector.  If a bear stumbles upon your campsite, blowing leaves at him has been proven to be an effective solution.

 

 3. Trucker’s Friend Survival Tool

Truckers Friend

The USA-made Trucker’s Friend is an all-purpose tool, built tough and specifically designed to meet the needs of professional truck drivers. But it’s so much more. In any situation that requires hacking, prying, pulling or pounding, you will feel real peace of mind with this serious tool on board. The Trucker’s Friend is backed by a no-hassle Lifetime Replacement Guarantee.

  • Handy all-purpose hand tool designed for professional truck drivers
  • Cut branches, pry loose nails, chip away hard-packed ice, and more
  • Includes curved axe, spanner, hammer, nail puller, tire chain hook, pry bar and lever
  • Shock-absorbing power grip and fiberglass handle
  • Made in the USA

Suggestions To Improve: This handy dandy ax is the perfect truckers companion.  Adding two katana blades would complete this multi-tool.  When the axe portion of this multi-tool doesn’t work fighting off multiple robbers, disengaging the katana blades will make quick work of your attacker.  Push button pepper spray added to the top of the axe would allow you to blind your attacker before cutting him apart with an axe.

 

4. Tactical Tomahawk

tactical tomohawk

The original Vietnam Tomahawk, SOG’s F01T-N Tactical Tomahawk is the latest incarnation of one of history’s most unusual weapons. This versatile piece of equipment handles a number of tasks including excavation, operations breaching, obstacle removal, and extraction, which makes the F01T-N an ideal tool for military and service personnel.

  • Use this versatile tool for breaching operations, excavation, obstacle removal, extraction, and other utility applications
  • Glass-reinforced nylon handle with 2.75-inch stainless steel ax head
  • Tough ballistic polymer handle and nylon carry sheath
  • An innovative, updated version of the Vietnam Tomahawk
  • Length: 15.75-inches; weight: 24-ounces; lifetime warranty

Suggestions To Improve: A tomahawk tool is a must have survival tool.  When you’re lost in the woods, this tomahawk is the perfect companion to take over villages or little cities along the way.  I’d like to see a specialized gland or pouch attached to the bottom of this tomahawk to deliver a healthy dose of venom to the blade.  This way, when you’re slicing your way to conquest and victory, your victims have a chance of dying a more terrible death.

Former Sunmart Building Being Renovated Into House Of 1,000 Corpses

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morgue

Haunted grocer

Fargo, ND—What was once an affordable area grocery has been abandoned, gutted, haunted by ghosts and now faces plans for a rather frightening makeover. The building formerly known as Sunmart on 25th street and 13th avenue in South Fargo is being repurposed by Cass County as the new location for their House Of 1,000 Corpses.

The screams of the dead are sure to continue at 2425 13th Avenue as the county prepares to deposit copious mortal remains into the proposed bodybag bank.

“Honestly, it’s a perfect location for a massive carcass hut,” said county zoning chairman Greg Barnaby. “Given that the building is and has been possessed by an ancient evil for years since it’s been abandoned, nothing should change with the addition of 1,000 corpses.”

Proponents of Black Magic have been picketing the location with crudely-made Bring Out Your Dead signs ever since the screams of the deceased have been mysteriously heard coming from between what used to be the produce section and aisle five.

Architectural bids on this enormous overhaul are being collected as we speak. If you or your company are interested in building a House Of 1,000 Corpses, you are urged to call the Scary Planning and Zoning Commission at 1-900-EAT-DEAD.

Johnnny’s 100th Post Retrospective

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My first one hundred posts. Pretty soon I can build a fence.

My first 100 posts. Now I can build a fence.

Since 100 is such a nice round number, I decided to use the occasion of my 100th post to take a trip down memory lane. It’s time to look back on my first 99 posts on FMObserver.

All posts are listed as hyperlinks in chronological order. About half of them will have a bonus link indicated as “(pic)” which will show the post’s associated picture, in its full glory. Enjoy!

1. Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans
2. Cat Receiving Monthly Social Security Checks
3. Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax
4. Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison
5. Lunatics Banned From Washington DC
6. Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married
7. Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine
8. Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$
9. Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance (pic)
10. Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads (pic)
11. Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity (pic)
12. New Flashcards Make Learning Chinese Easy
13. Dog Show Winner Actually A Polar Bear! (pic)
14. State Insane Asylum Reopens Due To High Demand (pic)
15. Dr. Finance Answer$ Another $tupid Que$tion
16. Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints (pic)
17. New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool (pic)
18. VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming (pic)
19. Start Your Own Bucket List Club
20. Fargodome Target Of Wacko Protest Group
21. Fargo To Legalize Pot Holes (pic)
22. Barbara Walters Being Retired To A Stud Farm
23. Missing Artwork Has Authorities Perplexed (pic)
24. Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger
25. New Barcode Causing Nausea & Vertigo (pic)
26. Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free (pic)
27. Washington Redskins Name Change Contest
28. Learn To Count Just Like Indians (pic)
29. Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago (pic)
30. President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer (pic)
31. How To Say A Useful Phrase In 10 Languages (pic)
32. Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys (pic)
33. Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi (pic)
34. Area Cats Tripping On Acid (pic)
35. Are You A Loser?
36. Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies
37. New Bridge Freaking Some People Out (pic)
38. New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer
39. Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe
40. Government Spy Birds Are Watching You
41. Paula Deen Dropped From Human Race
42. Red River Valley Fair Freak Show
43. FM Observer Wins Best Website Award
44. Google To Image Inside Of All Homes
45. White Man To Marry Black Bear (pic)
46. Obama To Take Over Leno’s Tonight Show
47. Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness
48. An Interview With Vice President Dan Quayle
49. Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group Busts A Move
50. Pink Eye SuperBug Is Highly Contagious (pic)
51. New Government Board Game: The Red Line
52. FMO Interviews The Queen Of England (pic)
53. Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area
54. How To Get Rid Of Man Boobs
55. Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece (pic)
56. Local Cemeteries To Double As Paintball Parks (pic)
57. Jodie Foster Admits To Being Part Alien (pic)
58. Government Healthcare Bullies Americans Into Giant SNAFU
59. Flamingo Union To Go On Strike (pic)
60. Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children
61. New Trans-Sexual Hair Salon Opens In Moorhead
62. Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax (pic)
63. How To Build An Underground Bunker (pic)
64. Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis (pic)
65. Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo (pic)
66. West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation (pic)
67. Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants (pic)
68. OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car (pic)
69. Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl
70. FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website
71. McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches
72. Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon
73. Results From Our Year-End Photo Caption Contest!
74. Do You Know Whose Mouth This Is?
75. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay
76. Priceless Document Eaten By Fargo Dog
77. Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions
78. Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America
79. Breaking Bad Creating New Crop Of Chemists
80. North Korean Glee Club To Tour America (pic)
81. New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics
82. FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It? (pic)
83. Justin Beaver Pleads Drunk To All Charges
84. New FDA Drug Approved For Your Sick Dog (pic)
85. Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English (pic)
86. Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones (pic)
87. Four Easy Steps To Self-Hypnotic Bliss (pic)
88. Free Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
89. All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies (pic)
90. UFO Sighting In North Dakota Caught On Camera (pic)
91. The Queen Of England Wants Stonehenge Moved To Buckingham Palace
92. Help Fargo Police Investigate Convenience Store Robbery
93. Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll (pic)
94. FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering (pic)
95. Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games (pic)
96. New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims (pic)
97. Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming
98. Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle (pic)
99. FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team (pic)
100. (pic)

Average Basketball League

Fargo To Introduce New Basketball League

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Average Basketball League

Fargo, ND – A new basketball league is being introduced for the first time in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, North Dakota is going to roll out for the first time, a second basketball league said to compete with the NBA.

The ABL or Average Basketball League, is catered to average size people.  Nobody taller than 6’3 is allowed in the league.  The basketball hoop will be lowered a whole 3 feet which would bring it to a normal height of 7 feet total.  The basketball will be smaller.  Much smaller.  About the size of a softball in fact.  This way, everyone can get a good nice grip which they can slam home.

The rollout is expected to begin October 2015.  Teams will begin recruiting as early as this summer.  For the first season, 12 teams are expected to play.  As many as 2 -6 new teams may be added by 2016.  Some teams include the L.A Smells, Fargo Cold, and the Denver What Was I Just Doings.

Please contact the ABL if you are interested in playing in this new and exciting league for average sized people!

FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team

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Glen-1000 is working all day (and all night) for you.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it’s added its first robot writer to our growing staff.

Humanoids still play an important role in the creation of well-written cutting-edge news stories, but robot writers are quickly proving their value in today’s fast-paced world.

While the rest of our team is fast asleep, FMO’s new robot writer, whose name is Glen-1000, never needs to take a break, except for maybe an occasional drop of oil to an elbow or wrist.

While everyone else is perhaps complaining about not getting paid or venting about Obamacare, Glen-1000 types away with total focus on the task at hand.

If you have any story ideas for Glen-1000, he is looking for lots of work to keep him busy.

When asked what Glen-1000 thinks about all this, here was his response:

<begin> Happy to be on the ship with FM Observer dot com <break> Fargo Moorhead seems like an adequate place to exist <break> Hopefully my advanced programming brings pleasure when you read my words <break> Glen-1000 is ready to multi-task for you so contact me day or night <break> If your brain produces an idea for a story, Glen-1000 will research, write, and post all pertinent information in a timely fashion <break> I am Glen-1000, the most advanced RoboWriter in the world….until Glen-2000 comes along <terminate>