Author Archives: Bill Burns

About Bill Burns

Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.

Amanda Smock Having A Hard Time Finding A Job After Recent News Coverage

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Fargo, ND – Former North Dakota State University Amanda Smock won the triple jump at the U.S. Olympic Trials last Monday, June 25th.

This great achievement has produced North Dakota State’s first United States Olympic track and field athlete.  However, it hasn’t all been good news.

Since all the recent news coverage last week, Amanda Smock has stated that she has had a very hard time landing a job.  Her recent pictures plastered all over the internet have fooled potential employers into thinking that she may not all be right in the head.  She could possibly have a mental disorder or brain damage and unable to fulfill all required job requirements.

One employer, after seeing Amanda’s job application, searched the internet to creep and get some dirt on her.  What he found were pictures of her running such as the ones below.

amanda smock

“After seeing these I said to myself, there is no way this women can fulfill all the job requirements.  Not with that face.  Nope.  No way.  Something isn’t right there” the employer stated.

Another employer saw her job application as well and did as the previous creepy employer did, searched the internet.  He unfortunately found the picture below.

Amanda Smock Funny Face

Amanda Smock posing for the camera.

Immediately after seeing the picture above he threw her application into the garbage.  “There is no way I can hire a women who looks to be shitting themselves while running.  It just isn’t going to work.  Not gonna happen” the other employer stated.

We wish Amanda Smock the best of luck at the Olympics.  After a win there, hopefully future potential employers will disregard her pictures on the internet and consider hiring her.

 

Aliens Invading Fargo Moorhead

Mothership! Aliens Invading Fargo-Moorhead Workforce!

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Aliens Invading Fargo MoorheadWest Fargo, ND – It’s True!!!  Aliens have been spotted around the Fargo-Moorhead area.  However, they are in a place you would least expect.  Working right next to you!

That’s right.  Aliens have been trying to mingle amongst us here on earth for quite sometime and now their act has been compromised.  How long has this been going on?  How long have they been infiltrating our human race?  All good questions that we have no answers to.

These human like aliens have been showing up in the Fargo-Moorhead workforce recently.  Not because of their looks but because of the way they act.

Reports have been coming in of co-workers, managers, and bosses projecting weird and confusing like behavior from these “humans.”

Some reported observed behaviors include:

– micromanaging
– eating very loud crunchy food at their desk
– shitting in the bathroom as loud as possible and not flushing
– somehow getting their pubic hair on the ceiling in the bathroom
– using corporate phrases such as “synergy”
– running to the bathroom out of nowhere because they are probably shitting an alien baby out of their rectum
– eating more food at their desk
– laughing while wheezing uncontrollably
– take 1 hour 30 min lunches and then complain when you take 1 hour and 10 min lunches
– creating unnecessary meetings or stand-up meetings when there are only two people
– talking where the words “bullshit” literally come out of their mouth, all in visible colorful letters
– creating answering machine greetings for their voicemail every morning where they make sure to include today’s date
– making sure they press the hang up button on their phone first before putting the phone down (aliens don’t know that they can just hang the phone up)
– business casual to them means t-shirts, flip flops, and christmas sweaters in march

These are just a few of the obvious signs that this person is NOT HUMAN.

Recent research has suggested that the mothership of these alien “humans” or “workers” is located in Tioga, ND.  It is believed that they convene there to get new instructions uploaded into their alien brains, training, maintenance, and other things.

This is serious business people.  If we don’t act now, what will become of the world?  What will your children have to deal with?  I’ll tell you.  Stinky alien shit.  That is what everyone will have to deal with if they don’t act soon.  You will all be eating stinky alien shit for the rest of your lives, your children’s lives, and your children’s children’s lives.  Now that is something to NOT look forward to.

The Asian Nudist Ninja

West Fargo Police Searching For Elusive Asian Nudist

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West Fargo, ND – One small Asian man is causing quite the ruckus in our growing city of West Fargo, North Dakota and people have started to call the police.

The West Fargo Police Department have stated that they are looking for a nude man who has been showing up all over town.  Several people have called the police department in the last couple months about the nudist running through fields, random backyards, and in one instance, going down slides at random city parks.  Ouch.  That has to hurt.

Officers have had absolutely no luck finding him and have no idea who this man is.  He is simply too elusive.  I would like to name him “The Asian Nudist Ninja” if that is ok?

Police will continue to look for this individual but would like to state that since Asians have such small penises, it is very hard to arrest The Asian Nudist Ninja with indecent exposure because he technically isn’t “exposing” anything.

Please keep an eye out.  If you see a nude man running wildly through your back yard, jumping fences like a gazelle, you are asked to please call the West Fargo Police Department.

Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDS

Fargo To Crack Down On Small Businesses

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Fargo Panhandlers Super AIDSFargo, ND – Small business owners, and by small business I mean panhandlers, will have to take their business elsewhere.

Panhandlers have been filing business license applications in records numbers lately in the hopes to become their own small business.  The panhandling profession has become very profitable in the Fargo area and citizens are growing concerned.

On Monday, city commissioners voted unanimously to expand a city ordinance that bans panhandling in Fargo.  Recently there have been a growing number of complaints and concerns of these small business owners lurking on street corners and medians all around Fargo asking and begging for money.

I went and spoke with one small business owner who was lurking on 13th ave and 45th ST. and asked him what he thought of the new ordinance.

“I need grocery money man.  I also need video games, leopard print underwear, and cognac.  It’s hard being a business owner and I’m out here just trying to keep the business afloat.  This new ordinance could put hardworking people out of business!” he said.

Another panhandler stated, “What am I going to do if I’m put out of business?!?  I’m going to have to come back out here and ask for even more money!  What is wrong with this country!!”

Meanwhile, you will be seeing signs such as the one below on busy street corners and intersections in an attempt to remind people not to feed the animals….er…….panhandlers.

Please Do Not Feed the Wildlife

 

Young Bird West Fargo

Naked Young Bird Found Dazed and Confused

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Young Bird West Fargo

West Fargo, ND – Junior, a young bird from West Fargo, was seen this afternoon looking dazed and confused, lost, and completely wrecked.  He was also not wearing any clothes.

I tried to talk to him but it was no use.  He couldn’t understand a damn word I was saying.  He just looked at me with a very confused and puzzled face.

Finally I was able to locate his parents nearby who have been looking for junior since this morning.  I found out he left with some friends last night to go “learn nest building skills” but never returned home.  After taking one look at junior this morning it’s pretty evident that they went out and got totally shit faced.

Junior was last seen stumbling back home guided by his pissed off parents.

Although I would have loved to hear Junior’s crazy stories from last night and why he was found not wearing any clothes, he was at least found which makes for a great ending to a story on a Friday.

Co_Rd_17_Fargo_Cow

Dirty Cows Distrupt Traffic

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Fargo, ND – Exhibitionist cows brought traffic to a grinding halt on Co Rd 17 in Fargo earlier this morning.  A pair of bovines were caught “doing the dirty” in the middle of the road the highway patrol stated.

The cows were getting it on so intensely that some perverted passerby was jailed on suspicions of masturbating in public.

One of the bulls didn’t take kindly to the state troopers attempts to interrupt the act so cops had to call in the North Dakota Farm Bureau to coax the animals into custody.

The two bovines are being charged with breach of peace and public indecency.  They were being held on $500 bail.

 

 

sunset-lanes-closeup

Burglar Breaks Into Sunset Lanes In Moorhead. Doesn’t Find Shit.

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Moorhead, MN – Moorhead police would like your help in catching one dumb fucking criminal who broke into Sunset Lanes around 2 a.m. Sunday.  Police say he forced a door open to find a shit load of used bowling balls.

Alright, time for a FM Observer Burning by the one and only Bill Burns.

So, your sitting around being fat on your stupid fat couch and think, “Oh fuck yea!  I just thought of the greatest plan ever.  I’m going to break into the ever so busy and popular Sunset Lanes in Moorhead.  I’m going to be fucking rich!  Retiring a millionaire bitch!  F YOU SOCIETY.”

Wrong!

So out of the hundreds of establishments with actual cash or items that would be worth stealing, you decide to risk jail time, getting shot, your career of being fat, family disownment, and an entire town laughing at you, to break into a bowling alley?  What did you expect to find there mister smarty pants?  A shit load of cash? You found a bunch of used bowling balls you fucking idiot.  Maybe a few hundred dollars?  If that was really what you were after then you could only carry, what, three bowling balls at a time?  And what would you do with all those used bowling balls?  Judging by your picture on the fat cam, carrying three would  be too tough for you.  You would probably have to carry one at a time and that’s just stupid when you’re running against the clock during a robbery.  Maybe there is some type of hidden treasure buried deep underground,  then…a to hell with it, there’s no treasure.  I’m just wishful thinking.  Trying to find ways to justify your stupidness.  Lastly, what is with the stupid cliche ski mask?  Come on!  You are already knee deep in shit when you decide to break into a business, why not wear a mask with some class?  A mask that is unique.  Something like the picture below.

vagina_mask

 

The FM Observer loves the Fargo-Moorhead area and hates degenerate criminals.  Especially ones who break into small business establishments just trying to make a living.  Let’s have a first here.  The first time FM Observer fans catch a criminal.  So, show the picture above (not the guy with a vagina mask, the actual criminal) to everyone you know and lets nab this asshole.

flying_baby

I Was Gonna Take My Baby Off The Roof Of My Car……But Then I Got High.

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Phoenix, AZ – Some shocking news this past week.  Catalina Clouser, 19, is facing driving and child abuse charges after her one-month-old baby fell off the roof of her car while driving away, forgetting she had put the little munchkin there.  What’s shocking is this DID NOT happen in Florida.  I know, crazy right?

Once she got home, she finally got inside and thought to herself, “the fuck is my baby?”  Upon realizing that her baby just got the ride of it’s life, she drove back to 45th Avenue and Chollas and was greeted by police who had recovered her child.  We’ve heard about people strapping their grandmothers or mother-in-laws to the roof of their cars but never a little child.  Jesus, what was she thinking!?

One lucky witness was on his way to work when he said he saw a flying baby in a car seat flying through the air.  I mean, how f’in cool would it be to see that?!  That man just won the lottery.

 

In tribute to Catalina Clouser, I have changed some of the lyrics to Afroman’s – Because I Got High song.

 

Catalina Clouser – Because I Got High

It’s Like, I don’t care about nothin man,
roll another blunt, Yea (ohh ohh ohh),

La da da da da da La, Da Daaa,
La da da da, La da da da, La da da daaa

I was gonna take my child off the roof of my car until I got high
I was gonna put him in the back seat but then I got high
my baby flew off the roof my car and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna try to not kill my kid before I got high
I coulda remembered I actually gave birth to a child but I got high
(La da da da da da da da da)
I am taking a couple hours off from parenting and I know why, (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go home with my little child but then I got high
I remembered I lefty my baby on the roof of my car but I got high
now I’m driving around looking for my baby and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I was gonna go to court before I got high
I was gonna pay to get my child back then I got high
they took my child away and I know why (why man?) yea heayy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I messed up my entire life because I got high
I lost my kid because I got high
now I’m sleeping on the sidewalk and I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I got high [repeat 3X]

(La da da da da da da da da)

I’m gonna stop singing this song because I’m high
I’m singing this whole thing wrong because I’m high
and if I dont sell one copy I know why (why man?) yea heyy,
– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]

La da da da da da, La da da da, Shoop shooby doo wop.

Get jiggy wit it, skibbidy bee bop diddy do wahhh

– cause I’m high [repeat 3X]