Tag Archives: fargo

Many College Students Admit To Living Off Of Costco Free Samples

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Come and get your free samples…each and every day, mmkay?

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer has learned from our last year’s annual survey that a large number of area college students who are often living on a rather tight budget regularly eat for free at the Costso store.

Franseska Thrice, who’s studying Animal Sciences at NDSU, admits that just by sauntering through Costco and sometimes Sam’s Club, enough calories can be ingested to support life on an on-going basis.

Enzo Jihoon, who is majoring in Cross-Cultural Interactions at Concordia College, is trying to save money to buy a new car, “so why the hell should I pay money to eat, when I can eat for free at Costco, and thereby greatly increase my chances of purchasing that car I’ve been eyeing for months?”

Costco is currently reviewing its long-standing policy of offering free samples to its customers.

“We might have to start charging for our ‘free’ samples if we see an increasing trend of abuse by the college agers,” says an interactive company spokesbot.

FMO’s Public Service Announcements For The Weeks Of February 8-22

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Contact FMO’s PSA Department if you have something to add to our next PSA listing.

West Fargo, ND – Here are your Public Service Announcements from the FM Observer for the weeks of February 8 to February 22 in order of first to last:

☺Nome Fletcher would like to challenge anyone to fight him in his garage. Nome is suffering from Hypofightroid Disease and finds that physical pummelling tends to calm him down over time.

☺Dr. Pat Markus who has been studying how to hypnotize people will be doing a free workshop on how to start smoking cigarettes. Dr. Markus asks all interested guinea pigs to show up at the school gym and please remember to bring some smokes and a lighter.

☺Mildred Hazlitt needs someone to help her re-organize her kitchen cupboards. She thinks there might be some out-dated items in the hard-to-reach back areas which maybe haven’t been touched since 1951.

☺Stumpy Elsdorf is wondering if anyone would lend him a gun for the weekend. Stumpy has some unfinished business to attend to and promises to return the gun if he is still alive on Monday.

☺The Noxmeyer family needs a clown to show up at little Tommy’s birthday party which will be held at Chuck-E-Cheese on Wednesday at 4PM. Since little Tommy is quite afraid of clowns after going to the circus, the Noxmeyers are asking for no funny business.

☺Judd Cluff found an old collection of used Halloween masks in his attic and is willing to sell them for almost nothing so he can buy himself a new dog after Wuffer died of boredom.

☺Connie Weltan is trying to plan her wedding but cannot get any firm commitments to be bridesmaids for the ceremony. If you would like to be in Connie’s wedding party, please show up for the rehearsal on Thursday afternoon at the church right after the Judge Judy Show is over.

☺Konrad Butner will be auctioning off a King James Bible which is believed to have been autographed by King James himself. The silent auction will take place in Konrad’s living room. Please bring a non-perishable food item for Konrad’s kitchen and remember to be quiet.

☺Jevon Rydzynski will be giving away his favorite ant farm since his potential girl friend says she won’t enter his apartment until he “gets rid of the damn thing”.

☺The Friendship Circle Of Hope will be hosting a Nihilism Support Group for those who have nothing going on in their lives and who also believe that nothing plus nothing equals nothing.

Fargo North Dakota Seeking To Copyright The Word ‘Fargo’

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Fargo ND may soon have the name ‘Fargo’ copyrighted.

Fargo, ND – Fargo city planners in smoky back rooms are secretly planning to copyright the name ‘Fargo’.

The calculated but risky move which is being co-orchestrated by Dan Grof and Rod Fang could possibly mean millions in extra revenue for the City of Fargo if things go as planned.

Both Grof and Fang have their masters degrees in Urban Development and City Planning from MIT (Moorhead Intellectual Training).

Fargo, North Dakota currently shares the name ‘Fargo’ with three other states: Georgia, Michigan, and Oklahoma.

“If we can somehow copyright the name ‘Fargo’, the other three Fargos will be forced to pay us a lot of money if they want to continue using our name,” postulate Rod and Dan as they both puff on their cigars while leaning way back in their chairs.

Ironically, both Dan Grof and Rod Fang’s full names can be re-arranged to spell ‘Fargo, ND’.

Local Youth Has Read Every Book In The Fargo Public Library

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Sopan Talleen waits for the Fargo Public Library to get some new books for him to read.

Fargo, ND – A young speed reader who challenged himself to read every book in the Fargo Public Library just announced that he has accomplished his goal.

Sopan Talleen is his name and reading a lot of books is his game.

Sopan is a twelve year old Mensa student who was discovered to be a natural speed reader at a very young age.

His parents recall that at the ripe age of four, Sopan precociously read the entire Hobbit and Lord of the Rings four-book box set in one week and with amazing comprehension.

Without ever taking any speed reading instruction, young Sopan reads an estimated 30,000 words per minute.

Now all young Sopan Talleen says he needs to do is simply “read all the new books that regularly enter the library which should keep me totally up-to-date on all the latest information that I need to know”.

New Fargo Religious Radio Station To Broadcast Only In Tongues

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New Fargo religious radio station is WHAT AM1770

Fargo, ND – Soon to hit the airwaves of the Fargo-Moorhead area will be a new religious radio station which might be rather difficult to understand for some.

All of the on-air personalities will be speaking in tongues, which is believed to be a divine religious language of yesteryear that is completely foreign to the speaker.

Some people supposedly have the gift of speaking in tongues while others have the complimentary gift of being able to understand these vocalized speech-like syllables.

For the rest of us, listening to someone speaking in tongues may simply sound like the Tower Of Babble from which most cannot derive any readily comprehensible meaning.

The man who had the brilliant idea for this new radio station is Dr. Peter Glossolalia, a lifelong member of the Pentecostal church.

We caught up with Peter to ask him about this new radio station. Here is Dr. Peter Glossolalia in his own words: “Oldah ugal fafa ni nas baas uk oon ahd oob usuc de e miid adda ca adi aanye ba allib!”

The new radio station’s call letters are WHAT?! which can soon be heard (but perhaps not understood) at AM 1770.

Fargo Facebook Families Fatally Fear Fifty Foot Fast Flood Forecast

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Trying to be calmly proactive, fearful Fargo families fighting fifty foot fast-melting flood.

Fargo, ND – With the forecast calling for quick climate change from global cooling to global warming, many who fought The Big Flood zactly 20 years are starting to squirm any time the words “sand” or “bag” are mentioned.

The Benson Family: “Yah, we probly should’ve built that Red River Diversion by now, doncha know?”

The Sakimov Family: “We have already started filling sandbags out in our garage, like since last month I think, and we already hava-lota-vum.”

The Grinstein Group: “In school, my son herd that a very fast melt caused by rain could suddenly cause a record fifty foot flood right hier in River City, baby!”

The LaQuan Family Corp: “We are seriously looking into procuring a plethora of sandbags from various reliable sources some of which may be online. We steal sand from wherever we can dig it, man.”

The Nillson Gathering: “We just feel real real lucky to have all our favorite Facebook friends to help us out by firstly liking us on Facebook and secondly leaving such helpful and wonderful comments while they’re supposedly vacationing down there in Guatemala which I half suspect is basically just all trumped up.”

Ways To Stay Warm During A North Dakota Winter

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Grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.

West Fargo, ND – We asked all of our FMO team members to brainstorm various ways to stay warm during the dead of winter here near Fargo, North Dakota.

We then slowly simmered the list of a hundred ideas down into this Top Ten List.

Please feel free to add to our list via comments or emails.

☺ Top Ten Ways To Stay Warm During The Winter In Fargo:

10. Only wear clothes that came out of the dryer within the last 10 minutes.
9. Ask to test out a hot tub at each of the various local dealerships.
8. Grab another analog and throw it on the firewall.
7. Turn your smallest bathroom into a sauna.
6. Roll up in a blanket and sip coffee.
5. Jumping Jacks in long underwear.
4. Invite your neighbors to huddle.
3. Rent the movie Hot Cocoa.
2. Microwave Hot Pockets.
1. Crank the heat!

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Is Complete

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

Fargo, ND – There was never a doubt in our minds that in some zany alternate universe, Fargo would have its own televised daytime drama. That suspicion has nearly come to fruition with the completion of our pilot episode. Just as soon as the rest of the episodes are written, we will begin a massive casting call. Line up for it!

Now, for the conclusion of episode one:

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 7. CONRAD.

FADE IN TO CONRAD DRIVING:

(Conrad is behind the wheel of his Dodge RAM Super Duty, cruising westbound down main avenue. AM 1100 plays very loudly on radio; Rush Limbaugh is talking.)

(Conrad stops at stoplight, digs in fanny pack, pulls out smartphone. Holds 2 for speed dial, puts on speakerphone then places phone on passenger seat. Rings, then an automated voice “thank you for calling the Rush Limbaugh Show on Premiere Radio Network”)

CONRAD: (impatiently) COME on, RUSHMEISTER…

(suddenly Beatris’s number rings in on call waiting. *beep beep*)

CONRAD: (looks over, groans) NO, no no no NO, Bea! (stoplight turns green, Conrad fails to notice. He grabs the phone frantically trying to cancel Beatris’s inbound call. A horn honks from behind) 

CONRAD: Damn it! SHUT up, liberal troll!! Rachael Maddow! (Conrad tosses phone back onto passenger seat, slams on gas pedal, all 4 wheels spin out on icy road, truck begins to fishtail a bit. Meanwhile Conrad doesn’t realize he accidentally answered Beatris’s call while speakerphone still engaged.)

BEATRIS: (via phone) Conrad?? CONRAD, Jesus, what’s happening??

CONRAD: (surprised) Rush? RUSH?? Am I on?? Long time listener, huge fan! Hey Rush, do you think Jodie Foster is part alien? I mean, if you look at the shape of her head–

BEATRIS: (interrupts Conrad) Conrad. CONRAD. It’s me. Your WIFE. Hellloooooooooo???

CONRAD: (hears her now) Aw, damn it, Bea! (slaps phone to attempt a hang up while driving, fails, keeps slapping with open hand, slapping, slapping…)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 8. STANLEY.

FADE IN TO STANLEY ON THE PHONE WITH KINGSLEY:

STANLEY: (listening intently) Margie? Ok… I spose, then. I’ll head up there, ya.

(camera pans the interior of Stanley’s trailer, it is littered with numerous trinkets and gadgets. He hangs up the phone, begins tinkering with a doodad. Camera pans to front window covered in tinfoil, no light gets inside or out. Stanley puts down the doodad and turns up HAM radio, it blares a weak signal. He fumbles with the knobs, suddenly a voice is heard.)

VOICE: (amidst static)…can hear this, this is Vern Milton; it is October, the year is 2048. Testing, testing, signal…anyone?

STANLEY: (excitedly) Hello? Who is Vern? This is Stanley! I read ya, you betcha!

VOICE: (amidst static) Huzzah! Stanley, is it? I’m Vern and I’ve been traveling through time for years and years. What time are you, stranger?

STANLEY: Oh, wow! This is 2017, doncha know! What are ya up to, there?

VOICE: Fella, I’ve seen too much to even begin explaining. (static increases) My travels through time have made me incredibly weary. (more static now) A word of warning…(static)…global warming…(static)…polar icecaps…(static)…ocean…(static)…nuclear meltdown…

(Stanley aggressively twisting HAM radio knobs)

VOICE: (inaudible)…oil…(static) Bakken shale…(static)..stop…(static)…carbon footprint…

(the voice fades away into unending static feedback)

STANLEY: (unable to hear the voice any longer) Ah, dangit, Vern! Vern! Dangit anyway!

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT BLOATING RELIEF.

SCENE 9. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO ICU:

(We see Kingsley glaring at Dr. Never as he stands over an ailing Margareet)

KINGSLEY: (pensive) Well, heck, what’re ya doin’ here, doctor?

DR. NEVER: (stoic) I’m a doctor, Kingsley. I work here.

KINGSLEY: (accusingly) Ya, doncha. Well I saw ya touchin’ my wife there in a manner not real like a doctor should be touchin’ a patient, there you betcha.

DR. NEVER: (ignores Kingsley’s accusation) Your wife is very ill. She needs medical attention. Now, if you’ll excuse me…

(tries to leave but Kingsley stands in his way)

KINGSLEY: (stammering) Oh really now? Ya, I saw what I saw there, now, doctor, so…

DR. NEVER: (urgently) Excuse me, Kingsley, or i’ll do to you what I did to your daughter Trix after she OD’d on hand sanitizer…

KINGSLEY: (anger rising) Are ya threatenin’ me, there, you betcha??

(Dr. Never pushes his way past Kingsley, leaves)

(Kingsley huffs at the encounter with Dr. Never, rushes to Margareet. She is unconscious)

KINGSLEY: (sadly) Ah, dangit, Margie. Dangit, then, ya know. Somethin’ better not be goin’ on with the doctor there, you betcha…

(we see tears begin to form in Kingsley’s eyes, cut to Margareet opening hers)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK. ROLL CREDITS OVER THEME MUSIC.

Wow! You can cut the tension with a butter knife. This is just a taste of what this groundbreaking show will be like. Care to star in it? All you need to do is post a convincing comment or send in your resume. Be sure to list your talents, hidden talents, acting experience and whether or not you can cry on command if kicked square in the guts.

Fargo Family Soap Opera Pilot Episode Script Continues

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Production of Fargo Family will begin as soon as actors are chosen and the episodes are written.

In case you’ve been living under a rock with a rock on top of it, you are unaware that we’ve been piecing together an exciting new soap opera for Fargo, based in Fargo and with Fargo-ish overtones. Do you want to be in it?

With that, a rough drafted script for the pilot episode of Fargo Family continues…

F Mob Server Productions, 2017

FARGO FAMILY

“Pilot”

SCENE 3. DR. NEVER’S OFFICE.

FADE IN:

(Margareet is shown sitting on Sanford clinic examination room bed, she is looking quite somber. Seconds go by; she pulls Ambien bottle out of her pocket, downs a small handful. She gracefully loses consciousness as bottle falls to floor)

(Dr. Never enters, studying clipboard)

DR. NEVER: …We’ve been over this, Marg, medical cannabis isn’t fully legal yet–(notices the passed out Margareet) OH FOR PETE’S SAKE (accidentally kicks ambien bottle, clamors for it) god damn it (bonks head on Margareet’s knee cap) OW, god DAMN it, Marg! (holds forehead, becoming extremely agitated) NURSE! Patient unconscious, dispatch med team stat!! (silence) NUUUURSE!! And bring an ice pack!! (rubs forehead bruise)

CUT SCENE FADE

SCENE 4. CONRAD.

FADE IN:

(Conrad shown in M&H convenience store in Moorhead, finishing a purchase of Powerball tickets)

CLERK: That’ll be $13.50.

CONRAD: Yeah? For what?? The privilege to suddenly bag a truckload of taxable income? Income that BIG GOVERNMENT will rip their (holds up finger air quotes) fair share (lowers air quotes) of? Trump is going to squash Big Government, you’ll see. Politicians better run and hide.

CLERK: $13.50

(Conrad pulls huge bag of pennies out of fanny pack, drops it flat on counter)

CONRAD: Here. Charge the rest to the NO-bama administration.

CLERK: Charge what? How much is here?

CONRAD: Drain the swamp! Drain the swamp!

CLERK: The hell are you talkin about, bro? $13.50! These pennies? How much are here??

(Clerk begins fervently counting pennies)

(Conrad exits M&H without Powerball tickets or bag of pennies)

FADE OUT.

CUT TO COMMERCIAL ABOUT HERNIA MESH CLASS ACTION LAWSUIT.

SCENE 5. SKOOTER.

FADE IN

(Skooter appears in attic fumbling about with wires. He appears to be connecting an electrical circuit to a 3-prong outlet)

(Cut to Kingsley entering house from garage. He drops briefcase onto floor, keys into key dish on end table, heads to the liquor cabinet)

(Cut back to Skooter hearing someone enter the house. He recognizes sound of briefcase and keys, becomes completely silent to avoid being noticed)

(Cut back to Kingsley pouring a highball of scotch, neat. Pulls a sip.)

KINGSLEY: Aaaah, heck, dontcha.

(Kingsley pulls smartphone out of pocket, opens Facebook. We see a Facebook status from Margareet, it reads “Feeling wispy, doctor calling…better not keep him waiting!”)

KINGSLEY: Golly dangit. Marg!? Margie…? (Listens, hears nothing) (Louder now) Maaargie!

(Cut to Skooter again, he’s holding his breath, making no noise whatsoever)

(Cut back to Kingsley searching the house for Margareet. His search is futile, Margareet is not present. Kingsley pulls keys from key dish and leaves)

(Cut back to Skooter, he hears Kingsley leave, he exhales and continues wiring)

CUT SCENE FADE OUT

SCENE 6. HOSPITAL.

FADE IN TO DR. NEVER FOLLOWING MARGAREET BEING WHEELED DOWN HALLWAY ON GURNEY

NURSE: Any idea how many pills were taken?

DR. NEVER: (visibly irritated) Usually she empties what’s left of a bottle. No clue how many were there since she never sticks to my prescribed amount. 

NURSE: Here we go again…

(they continue down hallway into intensive care unit)

(cut to Kingsley pulling up to Sanford hospital parking lot, he parks slanted in handicap spot)

(cut to Kingsley approaching receptionist)

KINGSLEY: (impatiently) Ya, hello there, Paula. Dr. Never in with another patient, you betcha?

RECEPTIONIST: (recognizing a frequent visitor) OK, Kingsley, i’ll call up. (she dials number) Kingsley is here….ok…ok…yes, i’ll tell him. (hangs up phone) Go ahead.

(Kingsley swiftly approaches open elevator, slams repeatedly on button for 3rd floor)

(Cut to ICU where Dr. Never is standing over Margareet as her stomach is being pumped)

DR. NEVER: (softly) If you can hear me, Marg, you better listen. Knock it off. If you crave attention you’re going about it the wrong way…(begins caressing her cheek with latex-gloved hand)

(Kingsley barges in, sees this, they lock eyes)

DRAMATIC MUSIC

FADE TO BLACK

Ooooh! The action is really heating up! Remember, if you want a shot at being a huge local soap star, casting calls are about to begin. Send in your resumé or leave a comment. Please list number of dependents, age of dependents and whether they’re dependent or independent.

Click here for the dramatic conclusion of our Pilot Episode!

Fargo Man Becomes Very Attached To His Brick

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My brick is always there for me, it’s real, and makes a great companion.

Fargo, ND – One fine day, Mr. Wade Dumpkins was out for his walk when he came upon a single solitary brick laying on the ground at the edge of an abandoned construction site.

After carefully looking around, Mr. Dumpkins picked up the brick and then decided to carry it home with him.

Mr. Wade Dumpkins has now been taking this brick pretty much everywhere he goes for the last twenty five years.

I love my brick. Isn’t that all that matters?

“It’s become my companion, my best friend, my rock, if you will,” admits Wade, as he lovingly hold his brick in his lap.

“When so much today is not real, like all that fake news on Facebook that caused Hillary to lose it, this orphaned simple brick that I found is something real, dammit, something tangible, someone who is always there for me, do you know what I’m saying?”

Yes, Wade Dumpkins, we do know what you’re saying!