Tag Archives: headline

facebook_organ_transplant

Facebook Releases Organ Harvesting Application.

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Palo Alto, California – Facebook this week has released a new organ harvesting application.  This new facebook application was announced Tuesday by Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg as a way to harvest users organs and sell them to black markets internationally and here in the United States.

The facebook application allows users to “Register An Organ.”  In doing so, it will match you up with creepy doctors, gangsters, clergymen and surgeons from South Africa and Brazil.  From there, these people will remove your registered organ and sell it to facebook for a small fee.  Facebook will then sell to the highest bidder on the black market.

“I can’t wait to sell my brain,” one facebook user said.

“I like to share everything.  Hopfully I can now share my heart and sell it to someone who needs it,” another facebook user said.

This is a great new feature for facebook and it’s users.  Facebook is looking to implement another useful feature in the future called “Kill Me.”  We will report more on that when facebook is closer to a release date.

horse_buggy_New_salem

Horse Buggy Collides With Car On Interstate. Horse Takes a Dump.

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New Salem, ND- At around 8:30 a.m. this morning, a SUV carrying a family of 4 struck a horse buggy on Co Rd 139.  The family from New York were on vacation and merrily on their way to New Salem, North Dakota to visit ‘Salem Sue’ or ‘The World’s Largest Holstein Cow’.  Salem Sue is the worlds largest fiberglass holstein cow sculpture situated on School Hill between the city of New Salem and I-94 Highway.  The driver stated they were driving down Co Rd 139 when then went around a bend and hit a horse buggy that was in the middle of the road.

“I wasn’t expecting to see a horse buggy,” the driver said.  “I really didn’t think people still used those things.  I mean it’s 2012 for christ’s sake.”

“Grandma just wants to see the largest fiberglass cow sculpture before she dies,” one of the kids said crying.

After the crash, the horse carrying the buggy was seen taking a large dump on the road and running excitedly into the horizon.  Presumably happy to be free from his slave labor.  The driver of the buggy was not injured.

Red Bull® gives man wings; man sues

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West Fargo, ND – A local man is suing the makers of Red Bull® energy drink, claiming the product produced “uncomfortable and disproportionate feathery growths” sprouting from underneath both shoulder blades. Adam Odegaard fell victim to the quaint little slogan “Red Bull® gives you wings” the very minute he threw back his fifth can of the caffeine-infused swill while fishing the Sheyenne river. The process was said to have been incredibly painful, and when finished, the flying abilities Adam experienced were akin to that of a newborn vulture. The wings were utterly useless. The Observer caught up with this very flustered individual directly after the incident took place:

“I was inhaling Red Bulls that day. One after the other. All of a sudden, I caught a gust of wind and flew about 25 feet into the air. It sucked. It hurt like hell to flap my new appendages and as I tried to guide myself I had no control & ended up plunging into the river. If I wasn’t completely high and numb from all the caffeine I would have been even more pissed.”

Adam went on to say that the wings were what kept him from drowning, acting as a sort of awkward flotation device. Mr. Odegaard is seeking compensation for damages caused to his body as well as his dignity. Red Bull® could not be reached for comment.

Swiss woman attempts to live on sunlight; dies

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Switzerland (AP) – A Swiss newspaper is reporting that a woman who recently attempted a sort of “spiritual journey” that requires fasting both food AND water while only to live off the incredibly harmful rays of the sun, has died.

The woman, in her fifties at the time of her death, apparently got the idea from an Austrian documentary which detailed the life of an Indian guru. The guru claimed to have lived this way for upwards of 70 years. Hmmm… not providing the body actual nutrition & sustenance while forcing it to thrive off of the cancer-causing, skin-searing ultraviolet rays of an incredibly massive burning star is not what we’d call a “spiritual” journey. The sun feels great, but do you know what’s better? A drink of water after you’ve been thirsty for 3 days. It’s invigorating, let me tell you.

Let’s lament the untimely loss of a spiritual patriot and at the same time, look on the bright side: she’ll have a fantastic-looking tan at the funeral.

‘Keeping Up With The Kardashians’ Renewed For 3 More Seasons. Suicides up 80%.

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NEW YORK, NY – The ever so popular unpopular show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” just got renewed for 3 more seasons.  Seriously, people still watch this vile garbage?  E! Entertainment network, another great network that endorses all the American values we love, has reached a deal making it the richest contract in reality TV history.  The family will be paid over $40 million for the 3 seasons of doing absolutely nothing but being annoying.  I’m not a hater but when this vile garbage is accidentally beamed into my retinas because I was channel surfing, I have every right to state my opinion.

Although this is all good news for the Kardashians, it isn’t good news for America.  Suicide rates have sky rocketed up 80% since the series premiered on E! in October 2007.  Experts are reporting that this is directly related to the torture people have had to endure the past 5 years with having “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” on air.  We took to the streets to see if we could find a correlation.

“I once accidentally stumbled on the show and Kim Kardashian was complaining of how tough of a day she had.  She got paid a few months salary for 6 hours of hell she had to go through which was taking pictures and putting on makeup.  I immediately ran out to my deck and threw myself off of it.  I mean, I didn’t mean to do it.  I just acted off of instinct.  I luckily only suffered a few broken bones.” a mother of 3 stated.

“I once had to watch the show because of my stupid girlfriend.  Kim was crying because of spiders.  I mean FUCK!  It made me immediately take my clothes off and throw myself into the oven I had on.  I suffered 3rd degree burns but I survived.  I immediately dumped my girlfriend after the incident.” John from Fargo told us.

[youtube id=”dejl25T2SmE” width=”600″ height=”350″]

“Yea I turned the channel, saw the Kardashians, and immediately shot myself in the face.  This all happened within seconds.  Luckily it didn’t hit my brain and I’m here to talk about it.” guy who shot himself and survived had to say.

It’s pretty clear that this show is dangerous and shouldn’t be on the airwaves.  It is making people instinctively do stupid and unsafe things.  It better be taken down now before Kanye West makes an appearance on the show.  The human population will become dangerously low with an even larger increase of suicides.

Way to go America.  GOD HELP US ALL.

teens_high_toilet_flushing

New Trend: Teens Getting High Off Toilet Flushing

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Fargo, ND – In the recent weeks, 6 teens have shown up in the Sanford hospitals emergency rooms completely high and buzzed out of their minds.  One death is being reported as well.  This has caused concern for the local public health officials who feel this could be the next dangerous trend.

The hospitalized teens have stated that all the kids in school are now toilet flushing to get high.  What they do is put their head upside down into the toilet and keep flushing it a few times.  The combination of holding your breath to keep from drowning and the blood rushing to your head from being upside down creates an intense high and head buzz.

We don’t know where these kids recently picked this up but we assume it could be from the old school bullying tactic called the “swirly.”

“All it takes for these kids is a toilet, a few flushes, and bam!  They’re high!” said Molly, a poison control specialist at Sanford Health located in downtown Fargo.

Over the years teens have found creative and stupid ways of getting high.  From drinking cough syrup in the 90’s, mouthwash, and Purple drank, officials want to make sure teens don’t add ‘Toilet Flushing’ to the list.

Parents should start putting locks and the toilets and tell their kids to poop outside.  Keep that shit on lock down until this trend passes.  It’s the only way to assure no more teens are hospitalized.  We need to keep these stupid kids from removing themselves from the gene pool.  Who else would we laugh at if they were gone?

Zygi Wilf asks Viking fans to start thinking of new team name

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Minneapolis, MN – As the twilight years of yet another Minnesota sports team near their bittersweet end, the owner of the Minnesota Vikings is keeping the lines of communication with the fan base open. Knowing that a stadium deal will likely not get done, thus forcing the team out of town, Zygi Wilf is reaching out to fans to seek their opinion on where they’d like to see the team go and what to call it. In a statement on his website, Mr. Wilf had this to say:

Dear Minnesota sports fans,

It’s been a nice run, but as i’m sure most of you are aware, the Vikings of Minnesota are almost certainly on their way out of town. Lawmakers in the state are seemingly incapable of coming to an agreement on a multi-million dollar sports complex (which I am willing to help fund 🙂 so leave me out of this). This begs the question: What do you want to call your new team? Here are a few catchy names i’ve been batting around so far. Let me know your thoughts:

Los Angeles Blaze

Los Angeles Stardust

Los Angeles Mudslide

Or if we move to England:

London Crumpetmashers

London Fogs

Please leave all thoughts/votes in the comments section of the site. Keep your negative comments to yourself kthanksBAI.

Yours, 

Zygi

This is a sad time for Minnesota sports. Another team jumping ship for no reason other than politics. First the Lakers, then the North Stars and now our beloved Vikings. Hey, sports teams…

Y U NO STAY MINNE SOTA??????


Red River Flood Fargo

Red River of Fargo Accused of Being a Complete Dickhead Again.

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Fargo, ND – Just when we thought the Red River of Fargo had grown up and become a more mature adult, we realize we were dead wrong.  Thanks to the recent rain, the Red River is back to being a complete dickhead again.  The National Weather Service reported that by Thursday, the river will rise to minor flood stages and is expected to reach 19 feet by Friday or Saturday morning.

Local residents have started gathering at the shoreline of the river.  It’s being reported that they are calling the river bad names, throwing objects into the river as if to try and hurt it, and others actually jumping into the river and thrashing about as if to try and kill the beast from the inside.

I can only imagine that this would enrage the Red River and mold it into an even bigger dickhead.  The cities of Fargo and Moorhead better get that diversion figured out pretty quick.  The wrath of the dickheaded Red River could come back even bigger then ever before.  Also, someone tell those residents to stop throwing shit into the river.  Good grief.  Rivers can’t feel pain.

Depressed Man Because It's Not Winter

Local Man Depressed It’s Not Winter

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Fargo, ND – Phil McCrackin is a family man.  A man who enjoys the great outdoors, spending time with his kids, and cooking his family large and exquisite dinners.  He is also a happy man whom his friends say is one of the greatest people to be around.  However lately, there has been something keeping Mr. McCrackin down.

Mr. McCrackin has been seen moping around town the past couple weeks.  His neighbor said he saw him walking through the park with his head down, crying, and ignoring everyone around him.  Friends say they have tried calling him to get him to go out for a little bit, possibly have a beer or two, and cheer him up.  Mr. McCrackin won’t answer those calls.  We sat down with his wife to see if we could make sense of this.

“I don’t know what it is but he’s just been so depressed lately.  He hasn’t smiled in weeks, no longer makes his exquisite dinners, nor spends any times with his kids anymore.  He just locks himself in the basement with the freezer door open and fans all around him.  It’s so odd! I don’t understand what’s going on with him.”  Mrs. McCrackin proceeded to cry.

After playing Christmas music constantly and making reindeer noises outside Mr. McCrackin’s basement room door, he finally came out.  We got some time to sit down with him and asked him why he’s being such a little bitch.

“I’m depressed.  I’m not happy.  I miss winter.  This nice weather is really getting to me.  I don’t know how to continue on.  I’d rather be swimming through snow banks instead of swimming in 70 degree water.  I’d rather be driving santa’s sleigh instead of driving a convertible with the top down.  I’d definitely rather be freezing my balls off then freezing tasty popsicles on a hot day.”  His family tried to get him to go camping to try and get away, relax, and get his thoughts straight but he said he’d rather be building snow forts.

After hearing this, me and his family realized he had gone insane.  Batshit crazy.  We called the local mental hospital and had him taken away.  He was last seen knitting sweaters and singing Christmas music in the middle of May.  May everyone pray for him.

Jason Voorhees taking this Friday the 13th off

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Camp Crystal Lake, America – The Observer has learned that in a shocking turn of events today, well-known blood fiend and murder artist Jason Voorhees has decided not to stalk & slash this Friday the 13th. This news comes as a relief to many, especially the occupants of Camp Crystal Lake. Campers have already begun rejoicing:

Freddy, 17-
“Wow! I can finally sex my girlfriend without fear that that ghoulish prick will collapse my tent and disembowel us!”

Amanda, 16-
“My friends and I are taking the pontoon out tonight since Jason is not going to cut us the fuck up.”

Todd, camp counselor-
“The wife is mega-pissed that I have to go open up Camp Crystal Lake for the weekend. We usually take Friday the 13th weekends off to spend time with the family. I guess Jason is too busy to go on a killing spree. Now, the rest of us have to suffer.”

When asked about the decision to not slay this evening, Mr. Voorhees had this to say:

“[heavy breathing] [blank stare]”

We here at the Observer are glad to hear that one of history’s most notorious killers is willing to put away the machete and just chill for a night. Don’t be surprised if you see a towering figure wearing a beat-up goalie mask and tattered overalls serving soup to the needy at the Crystal Lake homeless shelter tonight.