Tag Archives: headline

Man falls off bridge into the Red River in Fargo-Moorhead

Man apparently falls off a railroad bridge in North Fargo.

Fargo, ND – Authorities Sunday night pulled a man out of the Red River.  The man was believed to be walking on the railroad tracks that are located between Fargo and Moorhead when he allegedly fell in the river.  Witnesses were on scene but are telling different stories.  One witness stated he saw the man clumsily stumble, fall off, and do a vicious belly flop into the river followed by an, “Ow Ow Ow”.  Other witnesses stated they saw the man approach the end of the bridge, bend his knees as if to test the flexibility of the bridge, raise his hands in the air, and jump off.  While in the air, this flying Fargo man was seen doing somersault type maneuvers which then turned into what looked like a flying swan.  This story was confirmed by at least 3 witnesses.

After police pulled the man out of the river we learned the man was actually an Olympic diver training for the London 2012 Games.  Since it is winter most of the year in Fargo-Moorhead, this high dive flying swan said there is no better way to train then diving off a bridge in the middle of the night while dodging ice and frozen water while landing.  Tragically, no alcohol was involved.

Twins Baseball Preview: Ron Gardenhire promises to lose at least 80 games in 2012

Fort Myers, FL – In the midst of Minnesota Twins baseball spring training, skipper Ron Gardenhire is already making some bold predictions for the upcoming 2012 season. When asked how he thought his team looked so far this preseason, Gardy had this to say:

“I’d like to think we’ll contend for last place in the American League again this year, but personally, I think barely missing a Wild Card berth is more realistic. That’s going to require us losing quite a few games. If we really band together as a ballclub and play as lousy as we did in 2011, i’d say we could lose as many as 80 games this year. With the M&M boys (Mauer & Morneau) looking sluggish and overpaid and a shaky pitching rotation that includes a very suspect bullpen, we will lose 80 games or more. That’s a guarantee.”

Gardy went on to say that he thinks that the Tigers are loaded and will definitely sweep the Twins this year and win the division.

Fargo Buffalo Wild Wings Patron Goes Ape Shit

Fargo, ND – Patron at the Buffalo Wild Wings on 42nd street was seen going totally apeshit after winning a singular round of bar trivia this evening. The minute his name flashed on the big screen, ape like behavior was witnessed along with grunting noises and scraping of the armpits.  Witnesses said they saw him hurl poop into a victims open mouth while they were trying to eat.  Ape boy was last seen holding his boner while jumping through a glass window.

Struggling website Google+ threatens suicide

Mountain View, CA – In a not-too-surprising outcry stemming from lack of acceptance, the struggling social networking website Google+ has been audibly lamenting ever being born with threats of self-harm and suicide. The abandoned website was recently seen on a Super Bowl commercial pandering for attention as well as other small TV spots advertising its “hangouts” feature which only truly works as a novelty. This futile effort to garner attention has left the website feeling downtrodden and alone. It had this to say:

“Maybe i’ll just go away. Maybe then you’ll all like me. I’m going to kill myself. I think I might do it. I THINK I MIGHT DO IT! Helllooooooo??? Anybody there?? ANYBODYYYY??? Ok, ok. Sorry. I’m cool now. It’s all good, guys! Let’s have a Hangout! (silence)….guys…..? HELLLOOOOOOOOOOO???”

In a time when social networking is becoming more and more accessible and people from across the world are gaining access to smartphones and internet with greatest of ease, one of the most popular brand names on the internet is having the hardest time finding social networking acceptance. Hey, Google+, when you finally pass away from Chronic Internet Obscurity Disease and go to website heaven, say hi to Google Wave for us.

Arby's

Arby’s Rated “Best Place To Work” In Fargo.

Fargo, ND – Arby’s located at 1415 42nd ST S. Fargo, ND has been voted “Best Place To Work” after a recent poll was conducted on employees around the city.  Arby’s motto “It’s Good Mood Food” seems to ring true in this glorious place of employment.  When we entered the establishment for interviews we were greeted with not happy employees but jubilant employees apparently on cloud nine.  We asked Janet why this was the best place to work, “You’re beautiful did you know that?  You are great.  We haven’t seen the likes of you ’round these parts in a long time.  You have a great smile.  I love you.”

We were certainly taken back by such nice hospitality and didn’t really know how to respond.  We ended up slowly backing out the same way we came in and ran to our cars.  “Good Mood Food” is truly an accurate motto.

Rush Limbaugh

Rock 102 FM’s news radio makeover causes expected uproar

Fargo, ND – Was there ever any doubt that residents occupying the broadcast area of the Rock 102 FM radio frequency would voice their discontent over the channel’s new talk radio format changeover? Not in the slightest. Regular people like you and I have made their voices heard to the Observer over what many have labeled a “totally pointless and unjustified” switch-over from Rock 102 to Talk 101.9 FM:

Randy, West Fargo:

– “Four straight hours of Rush every day?! Hell yeah! [singing] FLY BY NIGHT!! Wait…what? Rush LIMBAUGH?? Aw, come on! Buzzkill!!!”

Elise, Fargo:

– “Oh, wow, this is terrific. If I wanted to hear a fat blowhard spew misogynistic hate venom at me for 4 hours every day in crystal clear audio i’d have dinner at my in-laws’ house.”

Bret, Fargo:

– “Q98 plays the same crap lineup of recycled one-hit-wonders from the 90s and early 2000s on a daily basis. Pathetic. One less competing rock station gets me that much closer to boycotting radio altogether.”

Adam, Mapleton:

– “What’s Rock 102 FM?”

Steven, Casselton:

– “I’m pretty sure if you fire Scotch, Tank and Ginger, you’re going to lose 3 talented radio personalities to a competing station. That, or lose 3 radio personalities and gain 3 cart-pushers at Hornbacher’s. Hey-ooo!!!”

This expected turn of events has me wondering: When will it end? Will the city of Fargo keep descending into utter pop culture obscurity until there’s nothing cool around to celebrate, thus turning everything here so pathetically lame that i’m forced to make fun of it until i’m run out of town? Only time will tell.

Moorhead Police Car

Moorhead Police Arrest McDonalds Drive-Thru Speaker

Moorhead Police CarMoorhead, MN – Police officers arrested a Moorhead McDonalds drive-thru speaker earlier this morning.  Police reports state the drive-thru speaker was being “confrontational” and “speaking funny” to warrant an arrest.  We got to sit down with the speaker this morning and it had this to say, “Welcome to…<unrecognizable>…fat…<unrecognizable>…order.”  It then went on to say, “Would you like<unrecognizable>….f…<unrecognizable> off on your fat…<unrecognizable>…face?”  Police officers stated they thought the speaker was disrespecting them and calling them names.  They also believed it was slurring while speaking and could possibly be drunk.  There is such an offense as serving fat ass food while intoxicated The Observer has learned.

All of this could be a simple misunderstanding.  Drive-thru speakers have been known around the world for being complete dickheads.  While the speaker is incarcerated, overweight people will have to actually walk into the store instead of driving their fat ass to the window to order their fat ass food.   How will we continue to live like this?  Walking is overrated.

Dumpster Diver Fargo Moorhead

Tales of a Struggling Economy: Garbage Peddler Pete Wrigley, Jr.

Dumpster Diver Fargo MoorheadFargo, ND – The less-fortunate have fallen on even harder times than we could have possibly imagined. As evidenced by the photo shown here, a downtown Fargo area transient was exposed recently as an utterly shameless trash peddler.

Area homeless Pete Wrigley Jr., who was once only thought of as a panhandling street urchin, was spotted yesterday in a 2nd avenue apartment dumpster trying to peddle common throw-aways to passersby. Mr. Wrigley made every effort to sell me food waste and other “valuables” out of a dumpster he appeared to have transformed into a makeshift vendor’s booth.

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No, I don’t want to purchase that empty cardboard box

Wrigley was clearly rummaging around in a back-alley dumpster but this trash bin did seem to look much like a magazine stand that one would find on a New York City street corner which must have been why he found it so appealing.

This is what it has come to, people. In a rock-bottom economy, transients have been reduced to selling our own rank garbage back to us. What a disgusting act of desperation! If you see Pete sifting through the rubbish of a neighborhood trash receptacle any time soon, don’t call the police. Instead, immediately notify the Observer. If he tries to sell you anything gross and/or useless, don’t pay more than asking price.

Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul Greenbush, MN

Priest Arrested In India for Sexually Assaulting A Minnesota Girl In 2004.

Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul Greenbush, MNGrand Forks, ND – A priest touching made national headlines due to one glaring difference: victim was a female.  Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul, 57 was arrested for sexually assaulting two girls in 2004 and 2005 while being a pedophile priest at Blessed Sacrament church in Greenbush, Minn.  One of the accused victims was Megan Peterson.  She was 14 at the time of the assault.

It is nothing new that priests are generally known for their affinity for tiny penis.  In fact, if your boy is at church right now, there is a good chance that the priest is probably touching his penis.  It’s so common, priests across the nation lobbied to pass a law called “Priests For Penis.”  This called for making it legal only for priests to touch any little boy’s penis they wanted.  After Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul’s arrest, they discussed changing this proposed law to include females but only as a RARE exception.

Megan Peterson expects to work with the county attorney’s office in Roseau in returning Jeyapaul to Minnesota to face the criminal charges.

Lemmings Forming Lines As iPad 3 Is Released.

“Something squishy is in my pants”

Fargo, ND – Every few months there is a big product release where people are willing to wait in line for hours upon hours in order to get the chance to buy some shit they don’t need.  Today it’s the iPad 3.  In the early morning hours, lemmings have started forming lines outside the Best Buy in Fargo, ND.  The line has extended out into the street which has caused a few problems.  These brain dead humans are getting run over and hit buy cars and it doesn’t even seem to phase them nor do they care.  They just keep coming.  Local apple fucktwat had this to say, “I wanted this so bad I told my boss to go fuck himself so I could come here and wait in line.  I won’t have a job after today but at least I’ll have my new iPad 3!”  We completely understand.  Another person in line had this to say, “I have literally crapped my pants and don’t even care!  I can’t wait to get my new iPad!”

We wish these lemmings the best.  After the dust settles and things are back to normal, we will be back and reporting on it again when Apple releases the iPad 4 in a couple months.