Tag Archives: doctor

Corona Virus Now Treatable With Extra Lime

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Use two limes to protect yourself against the deadly Corona Virus.

Corona, SD – With another disease heading our way from China, our very own Dr. Orvin Caruso who lives and works in Corona, South Dakota is already well ahead of this new and potentially deadly virus.

Dr. Caruso first points out that the Corona Virus is a meat-eating virus since the letters in 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 can be quickly mutated into spelling: 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂

Orv goes on to explain that since we now know that the 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 is of the 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂 type, its spreading can be effectively quelled by using an extra lime with your Corona, like pirates did to prevent scurvy.

“Instead of one lime, simply use two,” Dr. Caruso spells out, as if we’re all back in first grade.

Amazingly, all of the letters in “Orvin Caruso” can be mutated into spelling: Corona Virus!

FMO’s Medivan To Provide Free Medical Check-Ups To Shovelers

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FMO’s new Medivan is now offering free full physical exams to anyone out shoveling.

West Fargo, ND – While out shoveling heavy snow and pushing your body to the limit, how would you like to step into the warmth of a mobile medical van for a free full physical examination?

Our long-time friend Dr. Fred Wangstone first had the idea of having a Medivan to provide free medical services while he was in prison for having impersonated a medical doctor.

Now that Dr. Wangstone is out of prison, your FM Observer has helped our friend Fred make his pipe dream come true!

If you are out shoveling your driveway, sidewalk, deck, or roof and you see Dr. Wangstone’s free Medivan coming down your unplowed street, simply wave it down to stop for your full free medical check-up along with unlimited Oreo cookies and some spicy hot rum punch.

Man Tweaks Life Plan After Doctor Tells Him He May Not Live Forever

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Fargo man is totally stunned upon learning that he may not live forever.

Fargone, ND – When Mr. Verner Foot walked into his doctor’s office, he was honestly thinking that he would live forever.

When this came up during office visit conversation, his doctor gently broke the news to Verner that the chances of not living forever are about 100%.

Mr. Foot is his own words: “What the hell?! This is certainly news to me. Well, yeah, this definitely changes things, in a rather major way!”

When we asked Verner Foot what sort of life changes he’s planning on making based on this new information, he said: “Pretty much everything, except for diet and lifestyle.”

Anagramically, all the letters in Verner Foot can be mixed around to spell: Not Forever!

Try Some Radioactive Soup For What Ails You

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You’ve probably heard them talking about Radioactive Soup on the radio.

​Are you wanting to jazz up your diet?

Do you need more energy to charge your batteries?

Would you like to consume more soup?

Dr. Audie Porta-Visco who specializes in radioactive foods suggests that you make some radioactive soup to cure whatever ails you.

Just like bacteria, not all radioactivity is harmful to your health.

A soup made with as many of the following highly radioactive ingredients will provide you with enough radioactivity to charge up your system: Brazil nuts, Lima Beans, Potatoes, Carrots, Avocados, and Red Meat.

For dessert, eat some Bananas and Peanut Butter and then wash it all down with Beer.

Since all of the aforementioned foods are relatively high in radioactivity, you should feel amazingly recharged within minutes.

Incredibly, all of the letters in Audie Porta-Visco can be stirred up to spell: Radioactive Soup!

Dr. Harshnel Quadflop Called In To Investigate Fargo’s Recent Outbreak Of Ekbom’s Syndrome

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The esteemed Dr. Harshnel Quadflop

Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.

Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.

“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.

Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.

Fargo’s First Full Frontal Face Transplant Operation Deemed An International Success

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If you have a dream, Dr. Sanft Plancarte can help make it happen.

Fargo, ND – As a favor for a friend, Dr. Sanft Plancarte of Fargo’s New Face Center is now literally the toast of the town after being the first to successfully design and implement a new human face.

Dr. Plancarte, who started out as an accomplished auto mechanic, has long believed that the face would be the final frontier for the ultimate personal expression of who one really is, as a member of society.

“The patient and I carefully came up with the facial design together, and then we basically decided to just go for it,” explains Dr. Plancarte proudly, as he happily sips some celebratory whiskey straight from the bottle.

If you would like to help design your new face, simply call or stop by Fargo’s New Face Center at its new easy-to-find location.

As expected, all of the letters in Sanft Plancarte can be surgically re-arranged to spell: Face Transplant!

New Wonder Drug Called ‘Blitzkrieg’ Has Some Very Serious Side Effects

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If you can survive the side effects, Blitzkrieg could be right for you.

The FDA has just approved a powerful new drug that has been tested to cure a number of major ailments in lab rats. Now approved for humans, Blitzkrieg has a number of potentially very bad side effects that you should be aware of.

Contact your health care professional if you’re doing the lawn limbo in the marble mailbox.

Call your doctor right away if you’ve gone out with the tide while trolling for topsoil trout.

Check with your MD immediately if you find yourself making a phone call from the horizontal phone booth.

Dial 9-1-1 and ask for immediate medical help if you’re tuxedo dancing the hokey croaky while renting the grass.

Call your doctor if you are doing the worm wave at stiff stadium after you served a major in the pine penalty box.

Stop taking Blitzkrieg if you’re hanging ten on a satin-lined surfboard after you booked a cruise in a dirt submarine.

Quickly call emergency services if you’re doing the pine box lambada at Motel Deep Six after eating moss muffins on the sod subway.

Go straight to your local emergency room if you end up taking a spin in the brass handle sedan while time sharing the oblong condo.

Speak with your physician or pharmacist if you’ve been standing in line at the sod sizzler wearing the wooden waistcoat while riding the satin pony.

Contact a pharmacist immediately if you are parking the bronze bus at the mahogany mini mall and staying at Club Mud while flying a marble kite.

Let your doctor or pharmacist know as soon as possible if you end up playing in the subterranean sandbox after going to the sod prom in a soil sidecar.

Fargo Man Suing Hospital For Mistakenly Removing His Novanoid

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Now I gots to go thru life with no-vanoid.

Fargo, ND – After having his novanoid removed erroneously by a distracted surgeon, Donovan Ion is lawyering up to sioux the hospital.

The surgeon-at-fault admits he may have been sexting during the botched operation but veinly consoles by saying not having a novanoid taint the end of the world.

Since the hospital in question clearly lacks plausible deniability, Donovan Ion’s attorney is smelling money all the way to the bank while gathering evidence such as his client’s former novanoid.

Ironically, all the letters in Donovan Ion can be re-arranged to spell: No Novanoid!

Fargo’s Dr. Hendassa Calling It Quits After 150 Years Of Service

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“After 150 years of practicing medicine and I am still learning.” –Dr. Frank Hendassa

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s own Dr. Frank Hendassa has decided to finally retire after practicing medicine for 150 years.

Dr. Hendassa opened the original Dakota Clinic out of a covered wagon back in the year 1867, the same year that Nebraska became the 37th state.

This was the year that antiseptic surgery and mouthwash were discovered by Joseph Listerine.

Dr. Hendassa did it all back then, doing surgery, internal medicine, and even delivering babies one whose name was Frank Lloyd Wright.

Later in his career at about the 100 year point back in 1967 Frank decided to specialize in keeping his patients healthy and looking young and fit, which obviously rubbed off on himself.

FM Observer: What are the keys to staying youthful and looking good?

Dr. Hendassa: Frankly speaking, I would say being happily married is key. Also, a shot of booze every afternoon certainly doesn’t hurt. Beyond that, I believe playing a lot of ping pong has really helped me stay young and fit. Ping pong and regular naps. Those are both key to living a long and productive life. Now if you don’t mind, it’s time for my nap.

Dr. Pepper Advises All His Patients To Drink More Soda Pop

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Dr. Pepper says when it comes to drinking healthy, the more the better, mmkay?.

Pepper Pike, OH – Dr. Pepper, who’s become a well-known physician throughout the country because of his promotion of health on his television show, is encouraging all his patients to drink more soda pop.

“In the North they drink pop and down South they call it soda, but wherever you live and whatever you call it, you need to drink more of it,” preaches Dr. Pepper, while examining a patient.

Studies show that soda pop is a wonderful source of sugar which provides the body with an excellent source of energy, prevents brain black-outs, instantly cures depression, raises blood pressure for those whose is too low, and helps maintain healthy looking skin, while at the same time benefiting the green environment.

Dr. Pepper sums it up this way: “There are some soda pops that are better for you than others, but I’ll leave that up to you as to which one to choose. I, personally would recommend drinking Dr. Pepper. Trust me, I’m a doctor!”