Tag Archives: driver

Stevie Wonder Comes To Fargo To Do Some Snowmobiling

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Stevie Wonder on a snowmobile in Fargo!

Fargo, ND – You may have recently heard a rumor that Stevie Wonder was coming to Fargo to go snowmobiling.

Well, Mama, that ain’t no rumor!

After Sir Elton John publicly offered Stevie Wonder the use of one of his snowmobiles, Stevie decided to take Elton up on his offer and finally get that item checked off his Bucket List!

Stevie Wonder: “I have always wanted to go snowmobiling in Fargo, North Dakota and breathe the wild winter air while driving a snowmobile, all by myself.”

Some reasons why Fargo was chosen for Stevie Wonder’s snowmobile outing were its flatness of earth and its dearth of trees, both of which are salient for Stevie’s snowmobiling safety.

Car Full Of Dogs Pulled Over For Excessive Number Of Lane Changes

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Friendly car full of dogs given a warning for excessive number of lane changes.

Fargo, ND – What started out as a fairly routine traffic stop ended up anything but.

Officer Glasford Fulco pulled over a tan-colored Dog Caravan after noticing a number of seemingly unnecessary lane changes.

Upon approaching the vehicle, Officer Fulco was rather surprised to be greeted and licked by a car full of dogs.

Seeing no human driver, Glasford asked for a driver’s license of whichever dog had been driving.

Seeming to want to fully cooperate but unable to because of the extreme language barrier, Officer Fulco cited the entire car for excessive lane changes and simply a warning to the elder dog for not having proper paperwork.

Doggedly, all of the letters in Glasford Fulco can be re-arranged to spell: Car Full Of Dogs!

ND DOT Has Plans To Reduce Driver License Wait Times From 4 Hours Down To Only 3 Hours!

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At the ND DOT, the depart-mental morale is high (with an emphasis on the “mental” portion).

Fargone, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has been working overtime to come up with some plans to decrease wait times to get driver’s licenses and that newly mandated REAL ID.

As wait times have recently elongated to over four hours, the ND DOT wants and needs to improve customer satisfaction by improving their services.

Some changes coming on the horizon include:

• Adding one additional service window at each and every location across the state.

• Provide stronger coffee for DOT workers.

• Make the driving test a lot easier to pass by showing all the correct answers.

Just imagine only having to wait 3 hours instead of 4!

• Add new temporary satellite offices at some popular local bars so people can have a beer while waiting.

• Call the “next served” numbers in random order instead of consecutive order to give everyone an equal chance.

• Create an alternative to the mandated REAL ID…called FAKE ID.

• Hire professional musicians, monkeys, mimes, magicians, and clowns to entertain folks while they wait for service.

Kindergartener Hitchhikes Home After School Bus Drops Him Off 75 Miles From Home

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School bus driver drops young Fargo kindergarten boy off in Valley City.

Valley City, ND – A Fargo child who was attending his first week of kindergarten somehow mistakenly got dropped off in Valley City by the school bus that was to bring him home.

The child eventually did get back home by hitchhiking the 75 miles because he had “seen how to hitchhike on TV.”

The boy’s parents, who were already totally freaking out when their young boy was not on the after-school bus, freaked out even more upon discovering what had actually happened.

The bus driver claims he did not know the boy was still on the bus.

The company that owns the bus (whose slogan is “We put the bus in business!”) says it sadly regrets and strongly denies that it ever happened.

The boy, who is doing fine, says Valley City looked like a very nice place to possibly move to when he gets older.

Moral of the story: If your bus driver is dumb, you can get home with your thumb.

Man Who Had Just Figured Out Solution To Climate Change Problem Hit By Bus

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Man with a plan no longer can remember it after getting hit by a bus.

Fargo, ND – Mr. Lonnie Clayhanger had just had the ultimate solution to the Global Climate Change problem suddenly dawn on him.

While he was then attempting to carefully walk across the street to jot it down at a Subway sandwich shop, Mr. Clayhanger was sadly hit by a driverless city bus.

Unfortunately for our entire global community, the accident has left Lonnie with acute, Level III amnesia.

As expected, the driver of the driverless bus has officially been cited for distracted driving by use of a smartphone.

Moral: Don’t cross the street to jot down your idea.

Another Autumn Golfer Nailed By A Distracted Driver-Driven Golf Cart?

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Chalk up another one to distracted drivers! Or was this a hate crime?

Moorhead, MN – During a relatively relaxing autumn round of par-free golf, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft was suddenly hit by a golf cart while trying to hit his tee shot on the par 3 seventh hole at the new Bogie Man Golf Course in Moorhead.

Police are not entirely sure if Mr. Haycraft was accidentally run over due to the normal smartphone distractions, or if he was being specifically targeted because of a political bumper sticker on the back of his Subaru Forester.

When asked if he was OK after the accident, Mr. Gotlib Haycraft said: “No! I’m not OK! And no matter what the reason, this kind of thing just should not happen while I’m out playing a fricking round of golf!”

If it’s determined the cause was distraction, the driver could spend up to a month in jail.

If it is ultimately deemed to be a hate crime, the maximum sentence could be life in prison.

Distractedly, all of the letters in “Gotlib Haycraft” can be trampled to spell: Hit By A Golf Cart!

New Driverless Motorcycles Expected To Make Roads Safer

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Driverless motorcycles are way safer than cars driven by texting drivers.

La Honda, CA – A new line of motorcycles just introduced by Honda will be able to drive themselves.

Soon, along with driverless cars and buses, expect to be seeing driverless motorcycles on your highways and byways.

Honda’s first model of driverless motorcycles is called The Headless Horseman, which is considered to be the world’s first smartcycle.

These amazing new motorcycles can start themselves, drive themselves, as well as park and refuel if necessary.

Tests have shown that The Honda Headless Horseman is infinitely safer than a car or bus operated by a drunk or distracted driver, and Honda is sure we all agree this is a very good thing.

Big Bird Dead At The Age Of Seventy

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Big Bird seen here walking with two of his grand-children just moments before he was struck by a texting distracted driver.

Sesame Street, NY – The world is mourning the passing of one of its favorite large birds.

Big Bird from Sesame Street died in his nest whilst surrounded by his family and close friends at the age of 70, which is like 150 in bird years.

The cause of death was firstly complications from the avian bird flu which then were secondarily compounded with having been hit by a distracted driver at 50 mph who felt it necessary to type LOL in response to a stupid joke.

No word yet on any funeral arrangements for what is expected to be a large group wanting to cry their goodbyes to Big Bird.

Pallbearers will include his best friend Mr. Snuffleupagus who says monetary gifts can be given to support your local PBS station during their upcoming fund drives since President Trump is imposing draconian cuts to the funding of the Public Broadcasting Service.

Lottery Winner On Way To Collect Jackpot Killed By Distracted Driver

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Lucky to have won the lottery jackpot but then unlucky to have gotten hit by a distracted driver.

Bismarck, ND – Ty Barich was excitedly on his way to collect his jackpot millions after repeatedly checking his winning lottery ticket with his pregnant wife.

While crossing the street en route to the lottery headquarters, Mr. Barich got hit by a distracted driver who decided it was more important to text “LOL” to his friend rather than stop at a red light and look for any pedestrians crossing the street on a green light.

Now, because a dummkopf distracted driver thinking that texting a short quick message on his smartphone was more important than paying attention to being in control of his moving motorized vehicle, another innocent person’s life is unncessarily altered or even taken away from them and their family.

The North Dakota legislature is now considering increasing the penalty for distracted driving to either life behind bars (with no access to a smartphone) or quickly being put in front of a firing squad composed of people who have been negatively affected by a distracted driver.

Ironically, all of the letters in “Ty Barich” can be re-arranged to spell: Hit by car!

New Detention Centers Being Built Just For Distracted Drivers

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Welcome to our new Detention Facility where you can think long and hard about your distracted driving.

Bismarck, ND – With the huge surge in accidents caused by distracted drivers, lawmakers are responding with a draconian strengthening of punishments for those who choose to endanger others with their irresponsible negligence while behind the wheel of a vehicle.

The new Blacktomb Holding Center will house Level One first-time minor violators who will lose their driver’s licenses for one year while doing community service at either an autobody shop or a hospital, whichever one they hate most.

Level Two violators will be personally escorted to the new Rockwood Correctional Facility where they can do manual labor during the day for five years and spend the evenings watching videos of actual fatal crashes caused by distracted drivers.

Finally, for the Level Three felons who have caused horrific damage, they will have ten years to think about their bad behavior at the new Firevault Max Security Prison where they will be lucky to see the light of day or their families for the next ten years of pure hellaciousness.