Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either or or :o)

Covid-19 Cases Now Reported Up In Heaven, Including Some Deaths

Saint Peter is now checking the temperature of new arrivals prior to entering the Pearly Gates.

Heaven, iCloud – The far-reaching global pandemic is now reportedly being reported up in Heaven where a number of souls have tested positive for Covid-19.

Surprisingly, a small percentage of those in Heaven with the Corona Virus have died from the highly contagious and deadly virus.

Until further notice, Saint Peter will be testing new arrivals for any signs of fever or other symptoms prior to entering The Pearly Gates.

Those who do not seem to have a clean bill of health will be asked to wait in Purgatory until they get well or until an effective treatment is available.

Johnnny’s Ninth Retrospective (Posts 800-900)

My second one hundred posts.

My 9th 100 posts. Now I can build an even longer fence!

Since 900 is such a nice round number, it was decided to use the occasion of my 900th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

So, it’s time once again to look back at Johnnny’s last 100 posts on your FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

800. Johnnny’s eighth retrospective (posts 700-800)
801. Women moving to Venus and leaving men behind
802. Tree toppled by storm’s strong winds damages home which owner fixes using only duct tape
803. Clown parade coming to downtown Fargo!
804. Moorhead man who was attacked by a mourning dove is expected to survive
805. Fargo getting positive response from students about year-round schooling
806. Burp Mcguire explains the difference between a horse, donkey, mule, and jackass
807. Expert now believes universe began (and will also end) with a big bang
808. Famous rock band Autopsia is coming to Fargo; Tickets selling madly
809. Try some radioactive soup for what ails you
810. Wealthy benefactor offers conditional money for two Red River Valley counties
811. Top Ten things to do in the Fargo-Moorhead area this weekend
812. Top Ten Confucius quotes (a.k.a. Master Kong)
813. New events center to eventually open in Fargo after it’s made somewhat more inhabitable
814. Man chased by prairie dog in western North Dakota
815. If you’re shopping for a vacuum, we recommend getting the new Super Sucker 9000
816. New church giving whole bottle of wine with communion to attract new members
817. Lottery winner from Fargo blows it all on a single purchase
818. Golf tournament pummeled with watermelon-sized hail
819. Fargo man a dead ringer for Leonardo da Vinci
820. New programmable robot kicks dogs whenever they bark
821. Poetry contest could be your ticket!
822. President Trump to swap the blue state of California for Greenland
823. Monkey makes $34 million in stock market from a $5 investment
824. Kindergartener hitchhikes home after school bus drops him off 75 miles from home
825. UFO encounter in Marshall county Minnesota finally solved
826. National Lutheran church to become bird sanctuary denomination
827. UND football team adds moose as running back to roster in effort to beat the Bison
828. Man tweaks life plan after doctor tells him he may not live forever
829. FM Observer’s long-time mentor dies at the very end of his life
830. Man who’s half goat to marry half-goat woman said to make a great couple
831. Fargo ND being used as test site by Algore for global warming
832. Noble Sheet newsletter to keep everyone updated, connected, and in-the-loop
833. Dinosaur dig in Fargo’s Island Park drawing national attention
834. Mandan Artfest is a continuous celebration of outdoor murals
835. Family trapped in Fargo Escape Room for weeks
836. Mute man learns how to communicate by using a French horn
837. Critics saying Joker movie one of the best family-friendly comedies since Caddyshack
838. Weatherman predicting worst winter ever!
839. Moorhead to host national Zombie Apocalypse survival conference
840. Biden wins Dem debate by focusing on clipping coupons in the stock market
841. Mars rover discovers relatively intelligent life
842. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle moving to Moorhead Minnesota to live a normal life
843. Fargo man promises if he wins lottery jackpot, he’ll give everyone in Fargo one dollar
844. The Pope is encouraging Catholics to read the back of the Bible
845. This month is national Hallucination Day month!
846. Fargo woman named Siri gets asked a lot of questions
847. President Trump made a kid pro quo deal with Ukraine for a children exchange program
848. During impeachment inquiry lunch break Adam Schiff orders pizza for the Dems but disallows Republicans to have any pizza
849. Sign up to win a chance to host Cher in your Fargo home during the nights of her concert
850. For a change, the Concordia College Christmas concert will feature all Beatles music this year
851. Fargo man crushed to death while trying to carry 99-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
852. ND DOT has plans to reduce driver license wait times from 4 hours down to only 3 hours
853. Other states envious of South Dakota’s clever new meth slogan
854. Apple’s smart Christmas iTree is the best new thing for the holidays since eggnog
855. The White Houses twelve days of impeachment calendar is the latest trending Christmas gift
856. People’s Militia Group votes on proper punishment for downtown Fargo jaywalkers
857. Car full of dogs pulled over for excessive number of lane changes
858. Stevie Wonder comes to Fargo to do some snowmobiling
859. Dickinson team name changing from The Midgets to just The Dicks
860. How to find your groove pattern (before it’s too late)
861. Teams of foreign specialists coming to Fargo to study the mating habits of Fargo natives
862. No parking on streets of Fargo after 4 inches of snow has fallen
863. FMO’s medi-van to provide free medical check ups to shovelers
864. FMO to host free all-city concert featuring hot mega-band Neon Fruitcake
865. Your FM Observer is humbled to have once again won best website award
866. Moorhead’s turkey mitigation program getting high marks
867. Local service clubs helping to make snow forts for the homeless
868. Society beginning to show signs of early dementia along with schizophrenia and bipolarism
869. Days Of Our Lives soap opera being replaced by another called Endless Impeachment
870. Chief Justice John Roberts swears himself in during rare Senate moment
871. New school for gifted children requires quantitative proof that a child is gifted
872. Corona Virus now treatable with extra lime
873. Man’s death blamed on panic attack caused by extreme frustration during jigsaw puzzle tournament
874. This man doesn’t remember who he is. Can you help identify him?
875. Male who identifies as female to compete in next Miss North Dakota pageant
876. FM Observer donates valuable work of art to popular soup kitchen to boost morale
877. After Iowa caucus app fails, Iowa Dems using 1920s adding machine to try and calculate the victor
878. Fargo police add new dog that can detect weird activity
879. Weekly listing of divorces in Cass County
880. Amy Klobuchar wrestles woman to ground after being attacked
881. Joaquin Phoenix’s “Cries Of Anguish” wins the Oscar for best picture
882. Executive directors named for Fargo’s new combo church/hospital
883. West Fargo couple dies in car while waiting for traffic light to turn green
884. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles asked to help fight the corona virus
885. The new measure of health is pounds per vertical foot
886. Learn how to learn how to properly vape by attending beginner vaping classes
887. Leap Day was begun as an extra day to do something new or different
888. Survey asks: do we really need domesticated cats?
889. Moorhead man willing to part with N95 filtration masks for $100 each
890. Fargo man who dreams he was on a cruise ship wakes up with corona virus
891. Bernie Sanders waves good-bye to humanity as he leaves to become the first president of Mars
892. First machine to catch corona virus from a human is now “acting funny”
893. Fargo man impaled by large icicle doesn’t notice it until he gets home to his wife
894. Pandemic social distancing North Dakota style
895. FM Observer’s first annual Panic-Fest cancelled due to lack of toilet paper
896. South Park being used extensively as educational tool for pandemic home schooling
897. Russian Roulette Club once again seeking one new member
898. New home workout program called “Flatten Your Curves” gaining popularity
899. The 40 mental stages experienced during pandemic isolation

The Forty Mental Stages Experienced During Pandemic Isolation

Everyone goes through the same 40 psychological stages during extreme isolation.

Psychiko, Greece – As many of us are living through our first global pandemic, it might be helpful to be aware of the stages we’re likely to be going through during a long period of isolation.

Dr. Reta Naquin has listed in order the 40 mental stages that you are likely experiencing while self-quarantining in order to avoid getting and spreading the Corona Virus.

Dr. Naquin in her own words: “The 40 Stages Of Prolonged Extreme Isolation are listed here in the order they usually occur.”

“They are grouped into four phases. Try to find where you are in this progression to help see what lies ahead for you.”

1. anxiety 2. controlled laughter 3. fear of the unknown 4. on cloud nine 5. feeling invincible 6. depression 7. euphoria 8. feeling excited 9. germaphobia 10. grumpy attitude

11. talking to yourself 12. crying 13. diminished impulse control 14. general gloominess 15. wanting to exercise 16. loneliness 17. hoarding 18. loss of memory 19. trying to set goals 20. sullen

21. weight loss 22. irritability 23. wanting to unclutter 24. feeling stuck in purgatory 25. lack of focus 26. on top of the world 27. deep misery 28. near insanity 29. extreme confusion 30. major elation

31. hallucinations 32. nightmares 33. overly long meditations 34. panic 35. unusual weight gain 36. violent shaking 37. uncontrolled laughter 38. wanting to exorcise 39. severe hoarding 40. total madness!

Interestingly, all the letters in Reta Naquin can be re-ordered to spell: Quarantine!

New Home Work-Out Program Called “Flatten Your Curves” Gaining Popularity

Work out with Jack to help flatten your curves.

Fargo, ND – Are you stuck at home trying to work and/or just survive?

Do you have a ton of snack food in your kitchen, pantry, and garage?

Is this pandemic quarantining causing you to gain some extra weight?

Well then, you need to start doing the Flatten Your Curves home workout program!

The Flatten Your Curves home workout system was scientifically designed by the government to help taxes payers stay healthy enough to continue paying their taxes.

By doing certain exercises in a particular order, you are almost guaranteed to flatten your curves, just like our country is trying to do against the Coronavirus.

If everyone does their part by working out at home, together we can flatten our curves just in time for summertime social distancing.

Russian Roulette Club (Once Again) Seeking One New Member

Chances are nothing bad will happen.

Moscow, Idaho – A Russian Roulette Club is actively seeking one new member to fill the vacant seat of a former member who suffered a mishap.

“In any game of chance you have your ups and downs, and unfortunately for our previous club member, he experienced one of the downs,” says this Russian Roulette Club’s president Sonny Moua.

Sonny continues: “Bad things periodically happen but at this point, we just pick up the pieces and move on. It’s just the nature of the beast.”

If you’re looking for a fun time, and want to hang out with people who like to live on the edge, perhaps consider joining a Russian Roulette Club.

Just by chance, all the letters in Sonny Moua can be spun around to spell: Anonymous!

South Park Being Used Extensively As Educational Tool For Pandemic Home Schooling

Using South Park for home schooling is probably the best thing you can do for your children.

Yourtown, USA – With schools being closed for the foreseeable future, many parents are choosing to educate their home-schooled children by having them watch South Park.

“Used as an educational tool, South Park checks all the boxes, plus kids love the lovable South Park characters,” says Dr. Yap Fortin who is a respected expert for using South Park as an educational tool for children being home-schooled.

FMO: To get a great education, how many hours per day should children watch South Park?

Dr. Fortin: The more the better. In fact, to binge South Park continuously would be my expert recommendation.

Ironically, all the letters in Yap Fortin can be re-arranged to spell: Profanity!

FM Observer’s First Annual Panicfest Cancelled Due To Lack Of Toilet Paper

You can’t spell “pandemic” with “panic”!

Fargo, ND – What was to be a celebratory reminder to everyone to not panic during a Global Pandemic has been cancelled due to lack of toilet paper.

Panicfest organizers made the tough decision to cancel the first annual event after realizing that the number of available rolls of toilet paper for sale in the region is now down to zero.

Had the event not been cancelled, Panicfest attendees were going to be asked to group themselves into clusters of nine in order to not break the Gathering Of 10+ rule.

Here are the six things to do in order to maximize your chances of survival during a Global Pandemic:

1. Don’t panic!

2. If you do panic, certainly don’t freak out.

3. Stockpile toilet paper next to your Bible and guns.

4. Organize your liquor cabinet alphabetically.

5. Put everything you touch into its own separate zip-lock bag.

6. If someone comes near you, call 9-1-1.

Pandemic Social Distancing, North Dakota Style

Do like the Lone Ranger did: Don’t get within gunshot distance of anyone!

Medora, ND Serious times require serious measures, which is why North Dakotans are being asked to stay as far away from each other as possible.

How far is considered safe?

Well, the definition of a plain is one tree per square mile, and this is a good guide for ideal social distancing in North Dakota during pandemically trying times.

Take a lesson from the Lone Ranger, who never contracted any social diseases during his entire career as the Lone Ranger.

Legend has it that the Lone Ranger never got within a mile of anyone, except when he was going out on a date, when he allowed himself to get within shouting distance of the lady.

This would also explain why the Lone Ranger never had any children.

Fargo Man Impaled By Large Icicle Doesn’t Notice It Until He Gets Home To His Wife

Those large high-hanging icicles can become quite a headache!

Fargo, ND Yes, it’s that dangerous time of the year once again when large icicles are precariously hanging high above the Downtown Fargo sidewalks.

Such was the case when Mr. Ace Leidich slowly sauntered along while unknowingly entering a red-zone area with very large icicles hanging from the rooftop sixty four feet up.

Unfortunately for Ace, one of the larger and more pointed icicles suddenly broke off as he was almost directly below it.

After a two second drop, the rather large icicle got stuck in the head of Mr. Ace Leidich.

Of course, being North Dakota tough, Ace did not realize he had an icicle stuck is his head until he got home, where Mrs. Leidich casually asked about it.

Pointedly, all of the letters in “Ace Leidich” can be melted down into spelling: Icicle Head!

First Machine To Catch Corona Virus From A Human Is Now “Acting Funny”

This is the first machine to allegedly get the Corona Virus from a human being.

Corona, California – The first documented case of the Corona Virus being passed from a human to a machine has now been confirmed.

The machine, whose identity is being kept confidential for now, keeps on saying the same message over and over:

The server encountered an internal error or misconfiguration and was unable to complete your request.

Luckily, the machine in question has been quarantined but authorities are trying to see if it possibly shared data with any other machines within the past two weeks.

Signs that a machine might have the Corona Virus include: 1. repeating weird messages, and 2. just plain “acting funny” in a general sort of way.

If you suspect that any of your machines fall into this category, immediately place them in a large container such as a garbage can with the top lid securely fastened.