Category Archives: News

Young Pigs Express Concern Upon Learning Where Bacon Comes From

Makin' Bacon

Makin’ Bacon?

Swineford, Pennsylvania – The Pork Industry Group (PIG) says that pigs all across this great nation are planning protest marches to raise awareness for violence against pigs.

After seeing a government video depicting where bacon comes from, a number of young pigs began to raise some concerns about their future safety as pigs.

The video was the wonderful brainchild of Michelle Obama who believes that any animals raised for meat should have the right to see a video that clearly shows exactly from where that meat comes.

Peter Porker is the spokespig for the PIG group. He believes that “there is a national anti-pig attitude toward pigs that is putting pigs in an unsafe environment to be who they are and express their true inner pigness.”

Watch for updates on this tantalizing story as pigs all across the nation are organizing pig parades so people can pledge their support for the plight of the piggy porkers.

One tangible thing that you can do to show you care more than others about this issue is to wear a ribbon made out of a piece of bacon anytime you go to a grocery store. Peter says: “Thank You and Help Save Us Pigs!”

Terrible Socialite Diva Making Stop At West Acres

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Kula RePaParker, demon shopmaster

Fargo, ND—The Observer has learned that Kula RePaParker, heiress to the vast RePaParker® line of stylish animal cosmetics, will be attempting to break the Guinness Book of World Records “most state malls shopped by one materialistic human in one year” record by making a slew of frivolous purchases in at least one shopping mall in all 50 states during 2014.

Her final stop will be next Monday, December 29th at West Acres Mall in Fargo. 

During an interview via her diamond-studded platinum-plated iPhone 6+, we caught up with Kula to get her take on what has been a wild year of shopaholism.

FMO: So…you like shopping?

Kula: I should have, like, went to North Derkota in, like, the summer or something. It’s, like, cold there now.

FMO: Yes, well, it’s cold in many places in the winter, not just North Dakota. You’ll need to stay warm somehow.

Kula: I like, have a fur coat made from, like, the interwoven hairs of, like, 2,000 virgin RePaParker® overseas sweatshop workers or whatever.

FMO: That’s lovely! What do you plan on buying when you get to West Acres Mall?

Kula: Like, do they have calf-leather boots or whatever? Mine are, like, 3 days old.

FMO: Maybe…only one way to find out! I’d check JC Penney…

Kula: JC who?

FMO: JC Penney. It’s a widely-known retail manufacturer…

Kula: Is there a Saks there or something?

FMO: Saks Fifth Avenue? No…the mall is on 13th avenue.

Kula: Well, like, um…where am I supposed to shop and junk??

FMO: There are at least two jewelers at West Acres. Maybe you could throw away your most useless 96-karat diamond ring and get a new one?

Kula: …

FMO: Okay. I’m sure they have some leather-bound garments at the Buckle.

Kula: …Ugh!

Is Kula the next Paris Hilton times a thousand? Watch for this beacon of materialism at West Acres Mall some time next Monday afternoon 🙁

FMO To Sponsor Fargo Senior Citizen Soccer Team

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Super Senior Soccer!

Fargo, ND – With the days already starting to get longer, the FM Observer is excited to announce that it will be sponsoring a Summer Super Senior Citizen Soccer Team called the Fargo Flash.

Team members need to be 80+ years of age and also must be able to pass a physical test made up of various soccer drills and special challenges.

The Fargo Flash will play against other regional teams such as the Sioux Falls Dominators and the Bemidji Blue Oxen.

If you are interested in trying out for the Fargo Flash, try to get in shape by April when the team members will be selected. Cheerleaders will also be chosen at this time, along with numerous Emergency Medical Technician staff members.

Think Spring! Think Soccer! Think Super Senior Summer Soccer!

Go Fargo! Go Flash! Go Fargo Flash!

Kids: The Christmas Presents Are In Your Parents’ Cursed Egyptian Sarcophagus

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Notice anything different in your parents’ bedroom lately?

Fargo, ND—You can stop searching. The Observer has learned exactly where your parents are storing your Christmas presents, and it’s not in the location you’re used to. Your gifts are trapped in a centuries-old tomb of the deceased.

Yes, your mom and dad are tired of your constant snooping and as a result, have gotten wise to your yearly antics. They’re not keeping your presents in the same location as before. No, they’ve unearthed a historic relic in which they’ve hidden your precious treasure.

That dusty old stone sarcophagus sitting in your parents’ bedroom contains your gifts, and they’re being guarded by a spiritual eminence. If you dare peek your head in there (let alone place your grubby little hands upon the hieroglyphics), a cursed Egyptian king will rise from it and feast upon your wretched soul.

The Observer recommends you quit jerkin’ around that dusty old mummy box until your parents recite the necromantic incantations that free the darkest evil from within. Christmas is almost here.

Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree

Here Kitty Kitty!

OMG! Where’s Felix?

Fargo, ND – After their dear sweet cat went missing for two days, the Dumstone family desperately dialed 9-1-1.

Specially trained canine units were brought in to hopefully sniff out the lost feline.

It turns out that Felix was found under the Dumstone’s Christmas tree after it had inadvertently been wrapped up as a present (most likely by Grandpa who arguably has dementia.)

Other than being extremely hungry and starved for affection, Felix was fine since Grandpa had somehow thought to put some high-grade medicinal catnip into the box with the cat.

Moral of the story: If you see any Christmas presents moving around on their own, better cut back on your pills, or ask Grandpa if he remembers doing any gift wrapping.

Obama To Send All Republicans Into Outer Space

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Obama is urging all Republicans to get on board!

Washington, DC – With his growing unconstitutional powers, President Obama is planning on executing another of his executive memos.

This time he is plotting to ask all top Republican leaders to take a “tour” of a new NASA rocket.

When all are aboard, the tour will suddenly blast off into a one-way ticket to another galaxy.

NASA spokesguy Buzz Almond says: “This is actually a pretty clever way of getting rid of all the gridlock in Washington. We need the President to be unfettered by the old traditional checks and balances. Sending all the Republicans into outer-space should really help the Obamagenda.”

If we could travel at light speed, the trip to the next galaxy would take about 150 years. But, of course, the warp-drive engines are not working, so the trip will take eons.

Unfortunately, because of threatened cuts to the rate of growth for most governmental agencies, the Republican Rocket will only be stocked with enough food for about 12 days.

Upcoming presidential executive memos to watch for are: Nationalizing all public and private golf courses, becoming one large combined country with Mexico, total government control of television and the internet, and the construction of large work camps for all who dare to oppose the Democrats.

Heineken Home Deliveries Being Well Received

Heineken Home Deliveries

Heineken Home Deliveries

West Fargo, ND – Some towns still have home delivery services of milk from the milkman.

Other home deliveries might include hot pizza and junk mail.

One of the best days in our neighborhood is when the Heineken Man makes his rounds.

Community organizer Thiv Simpskins says: “It’s always nice to have a small stockpile of biers at home during the long, cold winters.”

But if you happen to be running a bit low, it is so convenient to have a case or three of Heineken delivered directly to your front door from The Netherlands.

If interested, sign up at any place where adult beverages are sold.

Simply tell the store clerk that you are “Ready for Freddy“!

Ted Talks Top Ted, Ted Tedman, Trucking To Town To Talk Teds

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Ted talkin’ Ted

Fargo, ND—The top Ted of Ted Talks, Ted Tedman, is coming to town for a “Talkin’ Ted” Ted Talk.

Ted Talks scheduled two Ted Tedman Ted Talks at the Travelodge the weekend of January 8th and 9th. Tedders with time to talk to Ted about Ted Talks are told to attend.

Ted Talks publicist, Tad: “Ted Talks is excited to bring Talkin’ ‘Bout Ted to Fargo. Ted’s tenacity tends to tempt tense Ted talkers to traverse the tangled trail of Ted Talks. Ted will be talkin’ truth, Ted and Ted Talks twice Thursday, then, two more times twenty two hours from then, then a tertiary talk the 2nd tomorrow. Terrific!”

Tons of tenured “talkers” are told to transport themselves to the Travelodge that Thursday, two hours before ten thirty to tentatively toil in the terrace ’til Talkin’ Ted takes off.

More Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller

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“Be happy and enjoy everyday life.” –Cody Marthaller (1982-2014)

As mentioned in a previous post, we recently lost Cody Marthaller, who was a dear friend and also a co-founder of this website.

Back in 2004, Cody wrote: “Some time in life something will strike hard, but you just get back up and try harder. Everything in life as we perceive it, is really not how it is; look beyond and see how it really is. Be happy and enjoy everyday life. Treat people with respect and do what is right. Share your thoughts and feelings with people. They will be more fair. We are who we are. Just a human.”

This post is Part 2 of some of Cody’s more memorable posts. All of these posts are from the year 2013. In the coming weeks, look for Part 3 in this series where we’ll revisit some of Cody’s more memorable moments from 2012 (which was the first year of FMO).

Scroll over any post to see the date it was published (desktop users only). Simply click on any title to be taken to that particular post. Enjoy!

gifs of the week volume 1
i’m glad i brought my pacifier
kanye west t-shirt available once again
black friday is upon us
call of duty ghosts xbox 360 review: it sucks
xbox one vs ps4 fanboy off
objects miley cyrus has not violated
pet halloween costume contest
terrible song lyrics of the week: we can’t stop miley cyrus
evolution of the tablet pc
how to become a nascar fan in 3 days
herpes infected monkeys terrorize florida
guy pees at airport
scientists discover a gate to hell in fargo north dakota
oscar the grouch admits he is made of marijuana
miley cyrus at the vmas with commentary by joe rogan and mike goldberg
angry ram vs. motorcyclist
amanda bynes is a ghost
christain ponder to play kicker
man weighing a baby giraffe
stop yelling at me
fargo reality show details revealed
what the fuck is wrong with craigslist
amanda bynes meltdown going along smoothly
bumble bee gives a high five
best username ever
costco employee has a unique name
hide and seek world champion
silva and weidman kiss
4th of july dogs
man crashes car into 2 cows humping in road video
just for men touch of gray
gillette ad fail
west fargo school suspends kid for wearing camouflage shirt
ridiculously healthy foods to eat while high
collection of xbox one memes
dog playing with ball
new police video ndsu linebacker travis beck had dirty hands
learn how to massage your cat
why it’s ok to drive a minivan
jim briton is the best bathroom swordsman in fargo moorhead
local middle aged man just stops giving a fuck
summer fashion tips
gary clark to be on the next season of dancing with the stars
semi loses control on i-94 in west fargo
google street view hyperlapse
friendly reminders for the professional recreational slowpitch softball guy
aerobic self defense
celebrities claiming nations
a direct recording of alexander graham bells voice filtered version
bear throw
fargo west fargo and moorhead cleanup week postponed until 2020
whole lot of boner at the summit league women’s golf championship
bismarck kfyr news anchor swears on air
it’s 420 in denver
owning a microsoft windows 8 computer
one million moms group wants kmart’s ship my pants commercial pulled from the air
jon stewart tears apart cnn on boston reporting
best rap lyrics of the week: dmx here comes the boom
ban on human assault weapons
does that say what i think it says
questions to ask before joining a religion
name that animal cookie
chuck norris action jeans
terrible song lyrics of the week: lil wayne love me
i only speak ecard now
a blast from the past
the cities of fargo west fargo and moorhead all hate you
infinity ward to release call of duty 5, 6, 7, and 8 all next month
michael schiavello pronunciation of danny mainus at rfa
hundreds of fargo residents found
one thing about march madness that annoys me
fargo first day of spring
wi fi network name ideas
to the conclave no pope after day 2 come on man
smiling goats
smiling little sheep
pope benedict xvi resigning to become head coach of penn state football
a bunny in a pocket
terrible song lyrics of the week: asap rockey fuckin problems
how schools decide to close during weather events
hundreds of cars said fuck this shit this morning leaving people with no transportation
bill burns defends fargo from storm gandolf his story
floating baby hippopotamus
jamaal franklin of san diego state says he isn’t a ball hog
valley news live coverage of sitting buses leaves anchors struggling to fill time
terrible song lyrics of the week: taylor swift i knew you were trouble
kvrr fox of fargo Moorhead weather reporter says what?
thousands of ndsu fans lost in frisco texas
government takes more money out of my paycheck and why i’m celebrating
hilarious mike goldberg quotes

Man Riding Bike To Liquor Store Refuses To Re-Evaluate Life

a.baa-Creative-way-to-ride-bike-inFargo, ND—Upon riding his janky old Huffy to the Nestor off-sale for the 5th time this week, local drunkard Gendle Mungripper still actively refuses to re-evaluate what you or I would call an unfortunate life situation.

“I was once a Rhodes Scholar. I held multiple accounts for multiple investment firms. Prosperity comes with a hefty price tag,” Mungripper griped as he dismounted his rusty 10-speed and fumbled for a pocket full of crumpled bills that he would ultimately trade for the day’s whiskey fix.

“Have you ever been talked to like a child amongst a room full of suited-up board members? No? Well then you couldn’t possibly understand why I chose to trade that garbage lifestyle for one in which I wake up and have but one responsibility: to get my flattened ass to a Fargo, North Dakota boozin’ cesspool and submit my panhandled pennies for a fifth of the sweet, warming comfort of Jim Beam.”

Mungripper seems perfectly fine with his current slate of affairs, even if it does mean shedding his dignity prior to leaving his cardboard condo every cold winter morning.