Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Fargo Clock Shoppe Owner Jailed For Refusing To Change His Clocks To Daylight Savings Time

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Fargo man does not want to have to change all 420 of his clocks to Daylight Savings Time.

Fargo, ND – The owner of Ye Olde Clock Shoppe in Fargo is refusing to change all of the clocks in his shoppe to Daylight Savings Time.

Mr. Eagan Tinch who has owned Ye Olde Clock Shoppe since it opened in 1967 says he does not like being told by the government what he has to do to comply with “their arbitrary rules”.

Mr. Tinch in his own words: “I could say that I’m refusing to move all 420 of my clocks forward one hour on religious grounds, or perhaps even coffee grounds, but then I would not be telling the truth.”

Eagan goes on to explain his obstinance thusly: “I have never agreed that mankind can just willy-nilly change time from the way God intended it. Certain things should just be left alone.”

Fittingly, all of the letters in Eagan Tinch can be moved around to eventually spell: Anti-Change!

Fargo Artist Paints First-Ever Moving Picture Using Kinetic Oil Paints

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The future is here: framed oil paintings that actually move on the canvas!?

Fargo, ND – Local artist Amsterdam Douglass has apparently achieved the unachievable!

This semi-famous Fargo artist, previously mostly known for his altruistic generosities, has now somehow painted an oil painting that shows actual movement on the canvas upon which it was painted and within the frame in which it is physically bordered.

When asked how he did it, Amsterdam Douglass slowly smiled, while only saying: “Kinetic Oil Paints!”

When asked what the hell are kinetic oil paints, Amsterdam Douglass slowly smiled, as he gracefully reached for his legume-flavored vape pen.

When asked about his legume-flavored vaporizer, Amsterdam Douglass slowly blew a large, thick, legume-flavored vape cloud, into which he virtually vanished via vicarious vaporization.

Fargo Man Gains Sixty Pounds In One Sitting At All-You-Can-Eat Buffet

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Fargo man gains 60 lbs in 3 hours.

Fargo, ND – Richard Roundhouse of rural Fargo entered the House Of Food buffet restaurant weighing 310 pounds.

When Mr. Roundhouse finally decided to leave the House Of Food three hours later, the scale indicated that Richard now weighed in at 370 pounds.

Fargo’s new House Of Food restaurant charges by the pound, and therefore invites each customer to weigh in upon arrival, and then again at checkout.

The bad news is Richard’s bill came to $240 but the good news is that Mr. Roundhouse set a new House Of Food record.

Polar Bear That Enters North Fargo Grocery Store Ends Up In The Canned Meats Aisle

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Polar bear enters North Fargo grocery store in search of food.

North Fargo, ND – In what authorities are describing as a very rare occurrence, a hungry large polar bear wandered into a grocery store in North Fargo.

It is believed that some of these arctic carnivores are being driven South to find food because of Global Melting.

Security video cameras recorded the half ton polar bear entering the back door of the grocery store around midnight.

Polar bear ends up in the canned meats aisle.

Meat manager Branden Caporale said the white polar bear went straight to the fresh fish section after eating a few rare steaks.

Luckily, a pair of off-duty police officers had their tazers handy and the polar bear was able to be eventually detained with two pairs of extra-large handcuffs.

When asked what ever became of the polar bear, Mr. Caporale said that a joint decision was made to offer their customers a limited-time offer of fresh canned polar bear meat, which they can find in the canned meats aisle, right next to the sardines.

Ironically, all of the letters in Branden Caporale can be re-arranged to spell: Canned Polar Bear!

FMO Considering Selling Prayer Pillows To Help Fund Reader Appreciation Parties

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Rest your head on a prayer!

Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer understands the importance of saying a bedtime prayer each and every night before retiring to dreamland. In fact, we believe this has been a big reason why we’ve been so successful at being a non-profit corporation. Things really started to turn around after hiring two full-time chaplains to help guide us spiritually and emotionally through our daily work lives.

To help us give back to our community, we’re considering selling FM Observer Prayer Pillows for the nominal fee of $150 each, which will go directly into our Party Fund.

To maximize your personal prayer power, here are five wonderful choices of prayers for your FMO Prayer Pillow, each one thoughtfully co-written by our two chaplains, Tempie Sadberry and Demetria Presby:

Now I lay me down to rest
After surviving yet another test
Tomorrow will bring more work and play
Hopefully, I’ll make it through another day

Now I crawl into my bed
With lots of thoughts up in my head
If I can’t somehow fall asleep
I’ll take some Xanax and count some sheep

As today is now terminating
Another night is germinating
Hopefully tomorrow will bring good weather
And I can somehow get my shit together

Back in my bedroom once again
Laying in bed, listening to my fan
To wake, I’ve set my digital clock
For protection, I have a loaded glock

Now I lay down on my back
Hoping I don’t have a heart attack
Or suffer a thrombotic stroke
About these things I’ll never joke

Prayerfully, all the letters in both “Tempie Sadberry” and “Demetria Presby” can be re-arranged to spell: Bed-time Prayers!

Dr. Harshnel Quadflop Called In To Investigate Fargo’s Recent Outbreak Of Ekbom’s Syndrome

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The esteemed Dr. Harshnel Quadflop

Fargone, ND – As if Fargo didn’t already have enough problems to deal with (such as beavers, flooding, and pinochle), now city leaders can add an unexpected and unwanted outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome to its growing list of emerging emergencies.

Luckily, the country’s leading Ekbom expert was immediately available to head up here to God’s Country at the drop of a hat into the packing of his suitcase.

“What we are initially seeing here is a highly typical case of the Ekbom’s Syndrome playing itself out in this community you refer to as Fargo,” explains Dr. Harshnel Quadflop, as he carefully inscribes small sentences into his old, thick, red notebook.

Advice from Dr. Quadflop includes: 1. Don’t panic. 2. Go about your lives as normally as possible. 3. Report any symptoms of Ekbom’s Syndrome to your local authorities. 4. Stay well-stocked up on adult beverages. 5. Nap as needed, unless called upon to shovel or sandbag. 6. Monitor and disseminate all pertinent news on a need-to-know basis.

Creative Ways To Decline An Offer (Besides Just Saying No)

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If just saying NO doesn’t work, try one of these negative phrases:

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently brought in two excellent professional life coaches to instruct our entire staff on how to say “NO” in a number of different ways.

Let’s face it, there are many times you’re asked if you’d want to volunteer for a committee, or buy a coupon booklet, or get involved in some weekly activity. At the time, you know you should decline, but for some reason you say YES (and later regret it).

Certified Life Coaches Sonja Yust and Tony Jauss (who headquarter out of New Orleans, or NO-town) had us practice saying a number of useful phrases that can be used when trying to decline an offer when someone is asking you to do something you’d really rather not agree to.

After first responding by saying “Why do you ask?” then use any of these cleverly designed phrases as an alternative to just saying NO:

⦿ What part of “Nyet” don’t you understand?
⦿ This is not part of my agenda for this decade.
⦿ All signs are pointing toward non-concurrence.
⦿ My jurisdiction doesn’t cover this type of fiasco.
⦿ Thanks for asking, and for never bringing it up again.
⦿ I can commit to not committing to your misguided plans.
⦿ I gave up doing things that make me want to kill myself.
⦿ Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you in 20 years.
⦿ This idea is more undesirable to me than nude ice fishing.
⦿ Unfortunately, I don’t see this as being on my Vision Board.
⦿ I am currently not in the market to buy what you’re selling.
⦿ There are more gullible people you should discuss this with.
⦿ You seem to be barking up the wrong tree at the wrong time.
⦿ Your presentation is not falling into any common sense category.
⦿ You should rethink this idea until it starts to make some sense.
⦿ My news years resolution was to avoid stupid ideas like this one.
⦿ I would rather remove my own gallbladder with a rusty pitchfork.
⦿ Life is too short to pursue things like this that seem to totally suck.
⦿ I’ll consider your idea after the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.
⦿ This is the exit point at which I plan on disembarking this train to hell.
⦿ There are worse things I could agree to but I can’t think of any right now.
⦿ Sorry. That’s the day of my grandmother’s soccer game, and I never miss those!

⦾ Ironically, all of the letters in both “Sonja Yust” and “Tony Jauss” can easily be re-arranged to: “Just Say No!”

‘Smiling Depression’ Is Now Considered A Disease Treatable With Drugs

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People that smile a lot need help.

​Death Valley, CA – Did you know that smiling is almost a sure sign of depression?

“Smiling Depression” is something you’ll want to start watching for amongst your family, friends, and co-workers.

People who chronically smile are most likely masking deep and severe depression.

Depressionologists are advising that if you suspect someone of having Smiling Depression, get them to a Certifiable Counselor as quickly as possible.

If you are not depressed and don’t want outside observers to think you are, don’t be doing a lot of smiling.

Conversely, if you are experiencing some major depression and want to hide it, resist the temptation to smile a lot in order to mask it.

Doctors Believe If You Can Live Long Enough You Might Be Able To Live Forever

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Live long enough to live forever.

Stanford, CA – Would you like to live forever? What if you had the option of not aging?

Medical researchers now think that if you can live another 30–50 years, you might be able to live as long as you want without ever growing old.

Recent exciting advances in the two areas of Telomere Extension and Genomic Editing are coming together to suggest that the aging process may be able to be controlled enough to never die.

However, once we reach that point, you will still have to worry about getting shot by a person who should not have a gun, and also the more likely scenario of getting hit by a distracted driver.

Let The FM Observer Help Express Your Love On Valentine’s Day

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Valentine’s Day = Love Day :o)

Heartland, USA – Valentine’s Day is the favorite holiday here at our FM Observer corporate office park.

This is true because it’s not only a day of flowers and chocolates but also of overt expressions of love.

We pride ourselves each year in providing the community with some new and innovative ways for you to tell your Valentine how much you love them.

Here are this year’s Top Ten Valentine’s Day quotations that you can use when writing your card, sending flowers, or whispering sweet nothings by candlelight:

♥ I love you despite your obvious flaws.
♥ Love makes the earth spin and causes it to warm.
♥ Happiness is loving your lovely lover who loves you.
♥ Valentine’s Day is the best of the secondary holidays.
♥ If we hadn’t met, we’d each probably have another.
♥ There’s a reason a rose has sharp thorns.
♥ You turned my nightmare into a daydream.
♥ Thanks for not giving up on me early on.
♥ Rising and falling in love has its ups and downs.
♥ Love is like a great margarita during happy hour.