Category Archives: Local

Kids: The Christmas Presents Are In Your Parents’ Cursed Egyptian Sarcophagus

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Notice anything different in your parents’ bedroom lately?

Fargo, ND—You can stop searching. The Observer has learned exactly where your parents are storing your Christmas presents, and it’s not in the location you’re used to. Your gifts are trapped in a centuries-old tomb of the deceased.

Yes, your mom and dad are tired of your constant snooping and as a result, have gotten wise to your yearly antics. They’re not keeping your presents in the same location as before. No, they’ve unearthed a historic relic in which they’ve hidden your precious treasure.

That dusty old stone sarcophagus sitting in your parents’ bedroom contains your gifts, and they’re being guarded by a spiritual eminence. If you dare peek your head in there (let alone place your grubby little hands upon the hieroglyphics), a cursed Egyptian king will rise from it and feast upon your wretched soul.

The Observer recommends you quit jerkin’ around that dusty old mummy box until your parents recite the necromantic incantations that free the darkest evil from within. Christmas is almost here.

Missing Cat Found Wrapped Up Under Tree

Here Kitty Kitty!

OMG! Where’s Felix?

Fargo, ND – After their dear sweet cat went missing for two days, the Dumstone family desperately dialed 9-1-1.

Specially trained canine units were brought in to hopefully sniff out the lost feline.

It turns out that Felix was found under the Dumstone’s Christmas tree after it had inadvertently been wrapped up as a present (most likely by Grandpa who arguably has dementia.)

Other than being extremely hungry and starved for affection, Felix was fine since Grandpa had somehow thought to put some high-grade medicinal catnip into the box with the cat.

Moral of the story: If you see any Christmas presents moving around on their own, better cut back on your pills, or ask Grandpa if he remembers doing any gift wrapping.

Heineken Home Deliveries Being Well Received

Heineken Home Deliveries

Heineken Home Deliveries

West Fargo, ND – Some towns still have home delivery services of milk from the milkman.

Other home deliveries might include hot pizza and junk mail.

One of the best days in our neighborhood is when the Heineken Man makes his rounds.

Community organizer Thiv Simpskins says: “It’s always nice to have a small stockpile of biers at home during the long, cold winters.”

But if you happen to be running a bit low, it is so convenient to have a case or three of Heineken delivered directly to your front door from The Netherlands.

If interested, sign up at any place where adult beverages are sold.

Simply tell the store clerk that you are “Ready for Freddy“!

Ted Talks Top Ted, Ted Tedman, Trucking To Town To Talk Teds

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Ted talkin’ Ted

Fargo, ND—The top Ted of Ted Talks, Ted Tedman, is coming to town for a “Talkin’ Ted” Ted Talk.

Ted Talks scheduled two Ted Tedman Ted Talks at the Travelodge the weekend of January 8th and 9th. Tedders with time to talk to Ted about Ted Talks are told to attend.

Ted Talks publicist, Tad: “Ted Talks is excited to bring Talkin’ ‘Bout Ted to Fargo. Ted’s tenacity tends to tempt tense Ted talkers to traverse the tangled trail of Ted Talks. Ted will be talkin’ truth, Ted and Ted Talks twice Thursday, then, two more times twenty two hours from then, then a tertiary talk the 2nd tomorrow. Terrific!”

Tons of tenured “talkers” are told to transport themselves to the Travelodge that Thursday, two hours before ten thirty to tentatively toil in the terrace ’til Talkin’ Ted takes off.

More Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller

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“Be happy and enjoy everyday life.” –Cody Marthaller (1982-2014)

As mentioned in a previous post, we recently lost Cody Marthaller, who was a dear friend and also a co-founder of this website.

Back in 2004, Cody wrote: “Some time in life something will strike hard, but you just get back up and try harder. Everything in life as we perceive it, is really not how it is; look beyond and see how it really is. Be happy and enjoy everyday life. Treat people with respect and do what is right. Share your thoughts and feelings with people. They will be more fair. We are who we are. Just a human.”

This post is Part 2 of some of Cody’s more memorable posts. All of these posts are from the year 2013. In the coming weeks, look for Part 3 in this series where we’ll revisit some of Cody’s more memorable moments from 2012 (which was the first year of FMO).

Scroll over any post to see the date it was published (desktop users only). Simply click on any title to be taken to that particular post. Enjoy!

gifs of the week volume 1
i’m glad i brought my pacifier
kanye west t-shirt available once again
black friday is upon us
call of duty ghosts xbox 360 review: it sucks
xbox one vs ps4 fanboy off
objects miley cyrus has not violated
pet halloween costume contest
terrible song lyrics of the week: we can’t stop miley cyrus
evolution of the tablet pc
how to become a nascar fan in 3 days
herpes infected monkeys terrorize florida
guy pees at airport
scientists discover a gate to hell in fargo north dakota
oscar the grouch admits he is made of marijuana
miley cyrus at the vmas with commentary by joe rogan and mike goldberg
angry ram vs. motorcyclist
amanda bynes is a ghost
christain ponder to play kicker
man weighing a baby giraffe
stop yelling at me
fargo reality show details revealed
what the fuck is wrong with craigslist
amanda bynes meltdown going along smoothly
bumble bee gives a high five
best username ever
costco employee has a unique name
hide and seek world champion
silva and weidman kiss
4th of july dogs
man crashes car into 2 cows humping in road video
just for men touch of gray
gillette ad fail
west fargo school suspends kid for wearing camouflage shirt
ridiculously healthy foods to eat while high
collection of xbox one memes
dog playing with ball
new police video ndsu linebacker travis beck had dirty hands
learn how to massage your cat
why it’s ok to drive a minivan
jim briton is the best bathroom swordsman in fargo moorhead
local middle aged man just stops giving a fuck
summer fashion tips
gary clark to be on the next season of dancing with the stars
semi loses control on i-94 in west fargo
google street view hyperlapse
friendly reminders for the professional recreational slowpitch softball guy
aerobic self defense
celebrities claiming nations
a direct recording of alexander graham bells voice filtered version
bear throw
fargo west fargo and moorhead cleanup week postponed until 2020
whole lot of boner at the summit league women’s golf championship
bismarck kfyr news anchor swears on air
it’s 420 in denver
owning a microsoft windows 8 computer
one million moms group wants kmart’s ship my pants commercial pulled from the air
jon stewart tears apart cnn on boston reporting
best rap lyrics of the week: dmx here comes the boom
ban on human assault weapons
does that say what i think it says
questions to ask before joining a religion
name that animal cookie
chuck norris action jeans
terrible song lyrics of the week: lil wayne love me
i only speak ecard now
a blast from the past
the cities of fargo west fargo and moorhead all hate you
infinity ward to release call of duty 5, 6, 7, and 8 all next month
michael schiavello pronunciation of danny mainus at rfa
hundreds of fargo residents found
one thing about march madness that annoys me
fargo first day of spring
wi fi network name ideas
to the conclave no pope after day 2 come on man
smiling goats
smiling little sheep
pope benedict xvi resigning to become head coach of penn state football
a bunny in a pocket
terrible song lyrics of the week: asap rockey fuckin problems
how schools decide to close during weather events
hundreds of cars said fuck this shit this morning leaving people with no transportation
bill burns defends fargo from storm gandolf his story
floating baby hippopotamus
jamaal franklin of san diego state says he isn’t a ball hog
valley news live coverage of sitting buses leaves anchors struggling to fill time
terrible song lyrics of the week: taylor swift i knew you were trouble
kvrr fox of fargo Moorhead weather reporter says what?
thousands of ndsu fans lost in frisco texas
government takes more money out of my paycheck and why i’m celebrating
hilarious mike goldberg quotes

Man Riding Bike To Liquor Store Refuses To Re-Evaluate Life

a.baa-Creative-way-to-ride-bike-inFargo, ND—Upon riding his janky old Huffy to the Nestor off-sale for the 5th time this week, local drunkard Gendle Mungripper still actively refuses to re-evaluate what you or I would call an unfortunate life situation.

“I was once a Rhodes Scholar. I held multiple accounts for multiple investment firms. Prosperity comes with a hefty price tag,” Mungripper griped as he dismounted his rusty 10-speed and fumbled for a pocket full of crumpled bills that he would ultimately trade for the day’s whiskey fix.

“Have you ever been talked to like a child amongst a room full of suited-up board members? No? Well then you couldn’t possibly understand why I chose to trade that garbage lifestyle for one in which I wake up and have but one responsibility: to get my flattened ass to a Fargo, North Dakota boozin’ cesspool and submit my panhandled pennies for a fifth of the sweet, warming comfort of Jim Beam.”

Mungripper seems perfectly fine with his current slate of affairs, even if it does mean shedding his dignity prior to leaving his cardboard condo every cold winter morning.

Exceedingly Mediocre Restaurant Tip Goes Viral

applebeesCoon Rapids, Minn. — Applebee’s waitress Nicole MaHobbes’s Tuesday night shift ended in misery after she received a tip so extremely average that it could only be explained as “an obvious insult.”

The $6.17 left on a $35.26 check, a tip of exactly %17.5, left MaHobbes infuriated and confused.

“I just don’t understand it,” MaHobbes said. “I gave grade-A service according to the Applebee’s handbook and I get left with this. I ususally get fifteen percent from total jerks and twenty percent from nice folks, but seventeen percent — that’s just cruel. How am I supposed to judge my customers based on that?”

Tipping has been a hot topic lately as servers continue to post pictures of their tips on social media. Some enjoy exceedingly generous tips while others are left with goose-eggs, but very few are left with the empty feeling MaHobbes experienced.

“People don’t understand that servers rely on tips that people leave us,” she said. “If you add six dollars from that tip to the seven that I’m making per hour, that’s only thirteen dollars an hour. How can I live off that? Plus I have other tables to worry about. People just don’t account for the stress of having so many tips to calculate in a day.”

Floor manager Gary Gubiak was alerted of the insulting gratuity shortly after it was left, and was able to track down the couple that left it.

“The customers, who shall remain unnamed, claim that they always leave exactly seventeen point five percent,” he said. “The Johnson’s told me that they feel seventeen point five is highest amount they feel comfortable with and they carry a calculator to leave the exact amount. I didn’t buy Rick and Diana’s charade, but instinctively gave them a free dessert to take home and two ten dollar gift cards to ensure a future visit.”

The Johnson’s wish to remain anonymous, but agreed to comment on their visit to Applebee’s.

“Diana and I thought the service and the food was good, but not outstanding,” Rick Gerald Johnson of 5689 Roark Avenue, Coon Rapids, MN said. “We had decent food at a decent price, so we left a decent tip. We didn’t mean to leave any emotions with our six dollars and seventeen cents.”

The incident sparked by unknown customers Rick and Diana Johnson, parents of Josh, Paula and Natalie Johnson who graduated from Coon Rapids High School, sparked fury from the service industry workers across the country.

“I don’t know who these ‘Johnson’s that attend Mount Calvary Luther Church every Sunday at eight o’clock’ are, but their actions will not go unnoticed” Nashville Applebee’s server Tom Babcock said. “You do the math America. Servers only get seven dollars an hour. Now add horrible tips like six dollars, times three tables and hour, and we can only add eighteen dollars to our wage per hour. Who can live off of twenty five dollars an hour? I have a cat to feed!”

On the other hand, the AARP claims that senior citizens are living off a fixed income and should diligently watch their monthly spending.

“I wish senior citizens could make twenty five dollars an hour,” AARP spokesmen Arty Betker said. “We live off an average of eight dollars an hour and now we get criticized for leaving a six dollar tip? That’s…. We gotta stop these damn kids from skateboarding on the sidewalk!”

 

Marijuana-Scented Candles Frustrating Police

Wacky Wax

Wacky Wax

Fargo, ND – Police in Fargo say a recent uptick in disturbance calls can be attributed to the growing popularity of marijuana-scented candles.

Dispatchers estimate they have received approximately 420 complaints about strong marijuana odors in the last 6 months.

“There’s virtually no difference between the scent of marijuana smoke and the aroma of a marijuana candle,” explains Officer Bud Potter. “Because it’s our duty to investigate anything that smells suspicious in the area, you can imagine the time we’re wasting sniffing out these false alarms. The K-9 unit is totally confused, and we’re all just sort of dazed.”

The candles, which can slow burn for hours, are believed to have filtered in as gifts from Colorado hipsters who have roots in the area. Since the initial introduction, sources indicate that most of Fargo’s import shops now stock these ganja glowers, making the inflow of product nearly impossible to stem.

To complicate matters, area potheads have begun using the candles as smokescreens, taking advantage of their camouflaging effect.

Says Potter, “A typical night on patrol now includes the inevitable pie-eyed groups of weedies laughing hysterically as we stand in their flickering dope dens, unable to make any arrests. If I have to hear ‘The candle cops are here!’ one more time…Well, you get the picture.”

There is one upside to this Mary Jane drain on the police force, however. Potter begrudgingly admits, “I have to say, as much as I despise the dreaded cannabis call, it’s a heckuva lot better than dealing with the Downtown Barf Brigade. Given the choice between skunk and chunk, I gotta tell ya, I’ll take the skunk.”

BREAKING: Your Mortal Soul Now Belongs To This Warlock

Has your soul.

Has your soul.

Fargo, ND—The Observer would like to regretfully inform you that your mortal soul, however puny and insignificant it may be, now belongs to this devious warlock.

Yes, you’re really screwed now. It was this whispering demon’s job to capture your body’s nucleus—your very essence—and he has done it.

Don’t you feel empty inside? Hasn’t a never-ending fatigue set in? Aren’t you consumed by anxiety and dread? That is because this warlock (pictured) is usurping your internal life-force. He’s drinking it away like a starving animal.

You never truly had a chance. He was coming for you, and there was no stopping him. All we can now do is wait until he finishes his reaping.

Sign Up Now For Exciting Parade Of Hoarder Homes

Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Fargo, ND – With hoarding starting to become rather chic, Fargo is excited to announce its First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Parade president Irv Sheik says: “We’re looking for some major hoarders who might want to be included in our First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes. It’s going to be a real fun event.”

Please call 1-800-HOARDER to sign up or to nominate a neighbor for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Hoarder homes that are selected for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes will need to have adequate paths through all their piles of crap so that people can parade through each room and get their money’s worth of viewing before voting for the winner of the Best Hoarder Award with the Grand Prize being a $10,000 credit to the Home Shopping Network.