Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Algore Sends Frigid Polar Vortex Into North Dakota As Punishment For Fracking

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It is best to not piss off the Godfather of Global Climate Change.

Devils Lake, ND – The Godfather of Global Warming has decided to punish the northern half of MegaKota by routing the icy Polar Vortex back into our entire region.

FMO: “Algore, why did you decide to blast Northern Megakota with a mega-dose of bone chilling Arctic air?”

Algore: “Well, now, I will tell you why. So, sometimes we have to use a carrot and/or a stick. Because of all the terrible horizontal fracking that’s been going on, which I have said is a big No-No, North Dakota needs a strong dis-incentive to not continue with this naughty practice.”

During the near foreseeable future, concerned weatherologists are warning that Global Cooling will be moving in, much like a prolonged uncomfortable visit from your in-laws.

Long Cold Winter Starting To Take Its Effect On Normal People

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At the beginning of winter, this person was just a normal looking guy.

Fargo, ND – Are you starting to feel the negative effects of winter? Do normally easy small tasks seem bigly challenging?

Maybe you’re suffering from WHAKOH like most other people living in Fargo. WHAKOH stands for: Winter Hits All Kind Of Hard.

If the idea of going to the grocery store to get a few basic items feels like you’re preparing to cross Antarctica by sled, you have a case of WHAKOH.

If having to do any snow blowing or shoveling feels tantamount to getting a root canal, you are going WHAKOH.

Our very own Dr. Willy Nilly suggests joining a square dancing group or take regular trips to any of the local liquor stores.

Also, marking the days (or even the hours) off on a large calendar sometimes helps to visually remind you that winter will some day be over.

Two Fargo Illusionists Go Missing, Without A Trace, Except For Their Pajamas

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Goben Wee (left) and Bogen Wee (right) seem to have just disappeared.

Fargo, ND – An ongoing search for a pair of Fargo magicians keeps coming up empty.

The Wee Brothers, who describe themselves as professional illusionists, are seemingly no where to be found after disappearing from their Downtown Fargo condo.

The Police have only found a message in a bottle, along with the pajamas the Wee Brothers were allegedly wearing at the time of their sudden departure.

Hopefully, the Wee Brothers will soon decide to rehumanize themselves after being spirits in the material world while on their secret journey.

Interestingly, all of the letters in both Bogen Wee and Goben Wee can be re-arranged to spell: We Be Gone!

Merge Fargo North High With Fargo South High To Make: Fargo Mega-High School

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Merging Fargo North High and Fargo South High into Fargo Mega-High School!

Fargo Central, ND – While some change orgs are petitioning to merge South and North Dakotas into one MegaKota, others believe it’s time to merge Fargo’s two original high schools back together again.

The person petitioning for this change is Maga Gehrig-Hof: “So yeah, we think this is just really a great idea, and we are hoping it like grows wings, and begins to fly, like really high into the sky?”

Ironically, Maga’s grand-parents attended the old Fargo Central High School which was sadly split into bi-polar North and South twins.

Double ironically, all of the letters in Maga Gehrig-Hof can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Fargo Mega High!

Local Fargo Filmmaker Has A Big Hit With His New Film “Gristly Nights”

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Gristly Nights voted #1 movie at many film fests.

Fargo, ND – A young and upcoming filmmaker from Fargo has boldly announced his presence in the film-making world with a #1 hit at the box office.

Dicky “Dick” Glanders is his name and Gristly Nights is his hot new movie.

Gristly Nights is being nominated for many awards including best new movie and best new director.

The plot follows a corporate executive who undergoes profound changes during a major mid-life crisis.

Movie critic Bopp Zanff says of Gristly Nights: “If this movie is not in your Top Ten, you are a schmuck. This movie will change the world. I give Dicky’s new movie 6 Stars!”

Famous French Chef Accused Of Assault During Fargo Master Class

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Jean-Claude Sorbonne charged with aggravated assault on helpless bread dough.

Fargo, ND – Charges have been filed against a famous French chef while he was teaching a cooking master class to some of the finest chefs in the Fargo-Moorhead area.

French chef Jean-Claude Sorbonne has been charged with cruel and unusual assault on some rising bread dough and is being held in the kitchen of the local jail until his day in court.

Jean-Claude Sorbonne claims he was merely pounding out the bread dough before letting it rise in order to achieve the perfect textural consistency kneaded for perfection.

Some of the many students in the cooking master class mentioned that Chef Sorbonne did seem to be pounding “the hell out of” the bread ad infinitum, to the point where they were feeling quite uncomfortable and wanting to leave.

New Game Show Called “Double Jeopardy” Features Twins Acquitted Of A Crime But Then Tried Again For Exact Same Crime

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Double Jeopardy is a double hit!

Hollywood, CA – A new game show is being added to your “must-see” TV entertainment line-up and it’s called Double Jeopardy!

It is part game show and part court-room drama in which twins once acquitted of a crime are possibly retried for the same crime.

The host of the new show is Mr. Perky Parker: “Double Jeopardy is really going to be a great show! I hope you and your entire family watch it every week so I can keep my job during this down-tick in the stock market.”

If you’re a pair of twins who were once acquitted of a crime, and would like to be on the show for a chance to win some taxable cash, simply contact Mr. Perky Parker and have all your relevant information handy.

Oh, and don’t forget to tune in to watch Double Jeopardy!

FM Observer’s Reader’s New Year’s Resolutions

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Nunc Coepi = Now I Begin

West Fargo, ND – We recently met face-to-face with some of our faithful readers at a local alcoholic establishment to compile a list of all their top New Year resolutions.

So, in case you have not made your New Year’s resolutions yet, or just need some more good ideas, here are the FM Observer’s reader’s Top Ten list of New Year’s resolutions for the new year for you:

â—™ Change all passwords to extremely long ones.
â—™ Finish Christmas shopping by 4th of July.
â—™ Continue to volunteer at soup kitchens.
â—™ Dye hair silver to get more respect.
â—™ Purge all Minnesota Vikings stuff.
â—™ Start exercising in February.
â—™ Join a Ping Pong league.
â—™ Start clipping coupons.
â—™ Get a smarter phone.
â—™ Take more napsters.
â—™ Drink more beer.
â—™ Fight for peace.
â—™ Gain 16 pounds.

FM Observer Hires New CEO To Right The Ship

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Say hello to our new CEO!

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer is very excited to announce that we have just hired a new CEO to run our company.

Dr. Papi Rafiki comes highly recommended to us from the Red River Zoo.

Papi, as he likes to be called, has been hired to “right the ship“, if you will, and get us “back on track“ toward the direction of our future.

Dr. Rafiki believes, as do we, that the FM Observer was put on the Internet by a higher power and that it is our destiny to provide trusted news for all people of Planet Earth.

You are invited to an open house at our corporate headquarters for a Meet & Greet with Dr. Rafiki.

Papi would personally like to meet you and hear your ideas for and concerns about the FM Observer as we move forward together, with our new CEO at the helm. Welcome to Dr. Papi Rafiki! :0)

Fargo’s 19th Avenue North Now Open To One Lane Of Traffic

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Fargo’s 72 feet of snow could be a new record!

Fargo, ND – After a record seventy two (72) feet of snow drifted in during this most recent blizzard, 19th avenue North in Fargo is finally open again, but only to one lane of traffic.

City officials are saying that because of the record snowfall, it could take weeks to re-open all four lanes of the road that leads to Fargo’s Hector International Airport.

Luckily, after such an extreme amount of snow, the City of Fargo is now completely protected from Spring flooding by the Red River Diversion project which was just completed for only $2.7 billion.