Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Hunting Mishap Almost Put Youngster Behind Bars

I tried to shoot a goose. Instead I shot a moose.

I tried to shoot a goose. Instead, I shot a moose.

Knife Lake, MN – A young boy named Bruce had just finished drinking some juice when he saw in the air a goose which lately had a tendency to overproduce.

So young Bruce decided to try and shoot the goose on the loose. He ran and quickly found his sling shot and Bowie knife.

As the loose goose flew closer, young Bruce pulled his Bowie knife back in his sling shot and then let it loose.

After it missed the Canadian goose, the flying knife unfortunately found a large moose named Zeus, who was hiding behind a blue spruce.

It just so happened that a Game and Fish officer who was out looking for abuse was watching the whole thing. After seeing Zeus the moose get shot, the Game Warden decided to go down and introduce himself to young Bruce.

By threatening young Bruce with life in prison, the Game Warden scared the juice out of Bruce. In the end, they reached a truce by having the youngster become a junior Game Warden where Bruce will peruse the spruce for moose abuse.

The moral of the story: Don’t let loose on a goose because you might kill a moose behind a spruce. Instead, just stay home and drink your apple juice.

Some Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller

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Cody Matthew Marthaller: Arrived: May 27, 1982 Departed: October 26, 2014

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is very sad to say that we recently lost a friend and one of the Founding Fathers of this website.

On Sunday, October 26th, Cody Marthaller lost his long battle with cancer at age 32. Back in August 2012, Cody had been diagnosed with a rare form of lung cancer.

Even though the FM Observer was just a small part of Cody’s life, he was a big part of the FM Observer. Cody Marthaller and Nick Hirchert bravely launched the FM Observer back on March 14, 2012.

Since then, Cody published about 273 posts on this website. Thirty eight were published under his real name, Cody Marthaller. Cody’s personal description of himself was: “I’m biologically human. Full-Time Superhero. Part-Time Human.”

Cody also published 235 posts under the name Bill Burns. Cody’s description of Bill Burns was: “Bill grew up in one of the largest cities in the United States, Maza, North Dakota. Being a cow milker by trade, it was only after stroking thousands upon thousands of cow nipples was he able to save up enough money and move to Fargo, ND. It was here that he joined FM Observer. In his free time he enjoys carving rocking horses out of wood, healing the sick, and running marathons across oceans.”

Even though it was time for Cody to move on, we will forever have a little part of him through his posts on the FM Observer.

What follows is a collection of some of his more memorable posts from the year 2014. We’ll start with Cody’s most recent (and final) post from Aug 20, 2014, and work our way back to January of 2014.

In the coming weeks, look for Parts 2 and 3 in this series where we’ll also remember some of Cody’s more memorable moments from 2013 and 2012 respectively.

Simply click on any title to be taken to that particular post. Enjoy!

New West Fargo Law Allows Exclamation Points In Names
Police Shoot And Kill Cat For Climbing Tree Illegally
West Fargo Police Officers Investigate Bathroom Bomb
Swimmer Spotted Running On Water After Shark Sighting
If You Missed The Supermoon Here Are Some Pics
Man Arrested For Saying Dude And Man Excessively
Arbys Of Fargo North Dakota Found To Be Hiding Life’s Secrets
Second New Species Discovered At The Red River Valley Fair
New Species Discovered At Red River Valley Fair
CEO Has No Idea What He’s Talking About
Todd Fox Arrested For Evading Police Officers
Fox News Reporter Asks MMA Fighter Some Odd Questions
Pup In A Cup
Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron 3
Question To Ask Before Joining A Religion Part II
New Blarney Stone In Trouble Over Public Urination
Screen Actors Guild To Watch the 2014 FIFA World Cup Closely
Area Man Banned From Having Sex With Teddy Bears Arrested Again For Having Sex With Teddy Bears
Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron 2
Nine Players To Watch In The World Cup
City Of Fargo Releases Pamphlet On How To Avoid Getting Hit By A Train
Surprise Puppy
Local Sandwich Artist Gets Lifetime Achievement Award
Neighbor Refuses To Mow
Fargo Canoer Mistakes Ditch Water For Sheyenne River
Family Held Hostage By Pet Leopard Gecko
Insane Ramblings From Random Drunk Bar Patron
Man Immediately Vaporized As He Stepped Outside
Fargo Man Rescued From Toilet
Multi-Tools Review
Fargo To Introduce New Basketball League
Bill Burns Makes The Fargo Invaders Team
Upworthy Headlines That Never Made The Cut
Online Trolls Say 2014 Will Be A Great Year For Them
Meet The Real Dominos Pizza Makers
Box Of Chocolates
Westboro Church States It’s OK To Be Gay On Valentines Day
Man Responsible For Olympic Ring Mishap Found Dead In Sochi
Man Sentenced To 75 Years In Prison For Stealing Neighbor’s Cow
Five Things To Do Instead Of Watch Super Bowl XLVIII
FM Observer Staff Writer Turns 89
Casselton Resident Says He Has Proof Of A Yeti
Two Fargo Children Left Unattended On School Bus Resorted To Cannabalism

Consider Giving Komodo Dragons For Christmas

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Make this the best Christmas ever!

Dragoon, AZ – Are you looking to give your loved ones a Christmas gift to show how much you cherish their existence in your life? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Would you like to give your sworn enemies something to scare the shih tzu out of them once and for all? Consider giving them a full-grown Komodo Dragon.

Have you been looking for a solution to the barking little dog problem next door? Consider releasing a full-grown Komodo Dragon into their fenced-in back yard.

If you’re a lizardophile and like things large, the Komodo Dragon is unparalleled in the large lizard category.

With some growing up to ten feet long, just imagine the reaction you’ll get when you chase down Mr. Road Rager who flipped you off at the last intersection and who now gets to meet your 200 pound pet.

For a nice side income, consider breeding the Komodo Dragons and selling their young. The normal life span of these prehistoric creatures is about 30 years so there’s a lot of time to get attached to these fun carnivores who can swallow a goat in about fifteen minutes.

Vote YES On Ballot Measure 11: Make FMO The Official Website Of North Dakota

Where the urinal?

Where’s the urinal?

Bismarck, ND – If you care about the future of North Dakota, like we do, then make sure to vote YES on Measure #11!

This important ballot measure would make the FM Observer the official website of the state of North Dakota forever.

It would also take 1% of the oil extraction revenue and give it to the FM Observer to “do with as it wishes”.

Many have praised the FM Observer for its recent cutting-edge coverage of the Ebola Pandemic as well as the latest on the Downtown Fargo Vomit issue.

If you want good things to happen that will positively affect you and your family, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you don’t want your family to be living out of a box behind Walmart, vote YES on Measure 11.

If you want to show your appreciation to the FM Observer, as do most sane people living in North Dakota, vote YES on Measure 11.

Measure 11 is as important as Measure 5 and Measure 6 combined.

If you cannot find Measure 11 on your voting ballot, immediately cry foul and call for a complete investigation of that voting precinct, with a serious threat of a lawsuit.

Vote for Measure 11 to get whatever you want, for free, and delivered to your front door, no questions asked.

NASA Reducing Its Goal To Just Being Able To Successfully Launch A Rocket

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NASA’s Antares Rocket Wallops An Island Off Virginia

Wallops Island, VA – Despite an apparent ‘glitch’ during take-off, NASA is saying that everything is under control and that no one should have any reason for concern.

Even though many on-lookers witnessed an alleged explosion during the attempted launch of the NASA Antares Rocket, government officials are down-playing the event as a possible ‘abnormal termination’.

Because of this, however, the future goals for the NASA space program could soon be lowered. Rather than shooting to return humans to the moon by 2020 and sending a manned mission to Mars by 2030, NASA is considering changing its goal to just being able to successfully launch a rocket into space without it blowing up on the launchpad.

A NASA spokesperson spoke: “By changing our blueprint for future deep space exploration, we are better aligning our goals with the true capabilities of a governmental agency to effectually bring a mission to a successful conclusion.”

The good news is that even though the U.S. has become totally dependent on the Russians to get us to and from the International Space Station ever since our own Space Shuttle program was ended in 2011, we luckily have maintained a great relationship with our friendly Russian allies.

Fanatical Mathematical Radical Goes On Problematical Sabbatical

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What is the square root of apple pi?

Fargo, ND – An overly-zealous Fargo math teacher has been suspended from teaching.

Students in Mr. Cal Cuelator’s third grade class had been complaining of having a steady heavy load of math homework assignments.

Parents of these students also were bitching about the unusually large workload their kids were bringing home every night.

Apparently the parents were being asked by their children to help figure out increasingly difficult math word problems.

Ms. Shirley Buxom: “These word problems Timmy was asking me to help him with started out at the add and subtract level but somehow quickly moved to the college calculus level! How the hell is my little Timmy supposed to figure out the decreasing rate of gravitational pull on a fricking weather balloon that’s ascending at an average rate of 32 feet per second per second?!”

When asked about his teaching methods, Cal argued: “I am simply trying to prepare these children for the real world where they will have to compete for jobs with kids from other countries in order to bring home the bacon.”

For now, Mr. Cuelator has been suspended with partial pay for a finite amount of time. However, he is fighting the School Board on just how that partial pay is calculated and the finiteness of the suspension period.

On a daily basis, School Board members are being mailed to their homes example word problems demonstrating the resulting differences in pay calculation methods and their effects on the long-term outcomes of total pay depending on the number of months involved, which they are then asked to mail back to Mr. Cal Cuelator so he can check their work for accuracy.

Clever ‘Calibration Errors’ Ensure Democrat Victories In Every Political Race

It's not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

It’s not voter fraud if it favors the Democrats.

Washington, DC – Even if no Democrats show up to vote in the upcoming state and national elections, Republicans better be ready to lose each and every political race in the country.

Democrat community organizers have cleverly rigged all the voting machines in every voting district to register any Republican votes as Democrat votes.

For any Democrats that do show up to vote, each vote that’s actually entered for a Democrat candidate will automagically be duplicated by a special multiplier factor that is specifically, scientifically, and strategically set by the Democrat Party for each voting district.

By rigging each voting machine to only register votes for Democrats, this eliminates the need for the IRS to target troublesome conservative Tea Party groups.

By ridding the U.S. House of Representatives of all Republicans, and increasing the Democrat’s control of the U.S. Senate, this will free Washington of all that paralyzing gridlock so that President Obola can fully implement his “Lean To The Left” transformational agenda for America during his last two years in office.

So, don’t forget to get out and vote early and often in the upcoming elections. What matters is that you do your civil duty to cast your ballot. What doesn’t matter is for whom you vote. That’s already been taken care of.

Fargo Debates Downtown Vomit

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Where do you stand on the vomit issue?

Fargo, ND – City officials in Fargo are urgently wondering if you think more should be done about vomit on the streets in downtown Fargo.

While some people here are understandably anti-vomitus for the struggling downtown Fargo area, others believe that vomiting in public is protected as free speech by the 1st Amendment to the United States Constitution.

“Since vomitus usually comes out of the mouth, this action is legally considered to be a form of speech, and therefore, anyone in the United States of America should be able to vomit anytime, anywhere” argues the Rev. Perry Stalsis, a well-respected vomitologist, author, and retired pastor from the Barf University Research Project (BURP).

“If we give up the right to vomit in downtown Fargo, what will be next? Urinating in Sioux Falls?” he worries.

In coming months, expect to see sickish protesters from the Fargo Free Vomitus Society working the streets in opposition to a possible proposed city ban against downtown vomitus.

Lumberjack Union Working With CDC To Stop Treebola

Feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Lumberjack Woody Axman feverishly working to rid forests of Treebola!

Treetop, North Carolina – Lumberjacks all across the country are wasting no time in their frantic effort to chop down any and all trees suspected of having the dangerous Treebola Virus.

According to the Center for Disease Control’s new Treebola hotline, the best and surest way to identify any trees with Treebola is to look for the telltale red leaves which may also be withering and even falling off a sickly dendrite.

To help slow the spread of Treebola, immediately chop down any trees you think may be harboring this vexing virulent virus, or call your local Lumberjack Union representative for a coordinated assistance response plan (CARP).

White House Ebola Response Team Practicing Their Craft

Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Ebola Response Team: Practice Makes Perfect

Washington, DC – Luckily for the American people, the White House Ebola Response Team (WHERT) is constantly practicing to improve their game.

Top key players of WHERT, including the newly named Ebola Czarina, Dr. Pam Demic, Senior Professor of Ebology from the University of Ebolia, are focusing their main efforts on playing as much golf as possible at as many different golf courses as possible in an effort to make sure that any golf course the President may want to play is a 100% Ebola-free zone.

Realizing the importance of winning the War on Ebola, each WHERT member has a special disinfected smart phone capable of calling the President at the drop of an Ebola-contaminated hat.

One hazmated WHERT member said: “We’ll allow feverish Ebola patients to board commercial airline flights but we will NOT let anyone who’s possibly been exposed to Ebola to get within 10 miles of any golf course that’s on the President’s list.”

WHERT is also working hard to ensure that any future White House intruders that wildly run through the Executive Mansion have not recently flown to the United States from Nigeria, Guinea, or Liberia in the last two months.

Dr. Pam Demic emphasizes that “WHERT will be focused on fighting Ebola so that the President can focus his attention on jobs, the economy, and making sure golfing is safe for all future generations of anyone who survives this untimely and unfortunate Ebola pandemic.”