Category Archives: National

Alleged unicorn lair found in North Korea

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Pyongyang, North Korea – I believed it the entire time. I never gave up hope that they were real, and now, we can finally put the speculation to rest. The unicorn exists! Proof that the one-horned, white horse of mythical elegance exists has been uncovered in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang. Evidence of said discovery has been officially backed by the History Institute of the DPRK Academy of Social Sciences.

This absolutely credible Korean institution states, in a report, that a rectangular rock carved with the words “UNICORN LAIR” has been discovered approximately 220 yards from an ancient Pyongyang temple. The carving is said to date back to the ancient kingdom of Koryo, established in 1392.

“The temple served as a relief palace for King Tongmyong, in which there is the lair of his unicorn.”

Ok, hold on a goddamn second. A carved rock sits across the yard from an ancient temple for over 600 years and nobody says peep about it until now? *BEEEEEEEEEP* *BEEEEEEEEEEP* *BEEEEEEEEP* That’s the sound of the BS alarm going off at full-blast. Why are you toying with us, Korea?! It appears that the Outlandish One, the King of the Bullshitters himself, Kim Jong-il is haunting us from BEYOND THE GRAVE. Remember when that little shit-ass told the world he shot 11 holes-in-one during a single round of golf? That sure was believable.

Um, yeah, hi, North Korea? Did a giant flock of flying pigs dump pixie dust all over your country, thus clouding your judgement? Call me when you’ve excavated a 500-foot-tall Godzilla skeleton or some fossilized dragon semen. Maybe then we can start taking you seriously.


Three Shoppers Killed During Cyber Monday Rush

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Associated Press – The volatile shopping atmosphere of Thanksgiving weekend has taken its toll on those who risked life and limb to participate. Black Friday saw thousands of furiously aggressive maniacs take to the aisles for a deal on a Blu-Ray® player or a smartphone. Small Business Saturday invited those not crazy enough to wage war on Friday to a more generous, supportive shopping environment. Lazy Sunday served as an outlet for those of us too scared to get into a hair-pulling, tit-twisting Black Friday Sale catfight with a soccer mom, but also too lazy to try.

This left us with Cyber Monday. That magical day of the year in which you can rest comfortably on your ass while searching for reasonably-priced online deals. Sounds pretty safe, right? Wrong. Most of us do not realize how much more dangerous Cyber Monday is compared to the other three. Statistics show there are more Cyber Monday-related deaths than Black Friday, Small Business Saturday and Lazy Sunday COMBINED. This year is no different. Three shoppers lost their lives on Cyber Monday compared to only one consumer casualty during the previous 3 days:

  • Cindy Phillips sat playing Bejeweled for 4 straight hours on the morning of the 26th waiting for deals. She suffered an epileptic seizure from all the blinking lights, passsed out and hit her head on the computer desk. Died on impact.
  • Bob Randleman woke up late on Cyber Monday and had to make a mad dash to the computer room. He slipped on a Matchbox car and hit his head on the hardwood floor. Died on impact.
  • Judith McGee pointed, clicked and PayPal’d her way to victory, earning herself a very sought-after bedroom set. Upon winning said item, she jumped up out of pure ecstacy, fell backwards over her chair and hit her head on a step stool. Died on impact.

It’s tragedies like these that make shopping on Thanksgiving weekend a perilous venture. We wish the victims’ families our condolences during this very bizarre holiday season.


Massive Traffic Jams As Word Gets Out Of Hostess and Twinkies Demise

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Fargo, ND – In States all across the U.S., especially Mississippi, Alabama, and West Virginia, massive traffic jams are causing catastrophic mayhem.

On Friday, November 16, Hostess Brands Inc announced that it will wind down the company and go to bankruptcy court after BCTGM Union strike cripples it’s operations.

Word has finally reached the homes of the disabled.  Very large and overweight disabled people on electric scooters have been leaving their homes in massive numbers causing massive traffic jams on all major interstates.  Overweight people and their electric scooters can be seen in the thousands going as fast as they can, which tops the 10mph mark, to their local Walmart to get their hands on as many Twinkies as their scooter can carry.

AFP/Getty Images

I had a chance to speak to one determined scooter rider.  While jogging next to them on the interstate I asked Marlene if it’s really worth it to leave the house as it’s dangerous outside.  Her reply was, “AHH! (mumble) MMYEA TWINKIEEEEEEEEES!!!!”

We can expect these traffic jams to continue until all Twinkies are off the shelves.

 

Developers Announce App Designed to Waterproof Your Smartphone

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San Francisco, CA – An exciting and innovative new mobile app concept has finally made its way to the market. Get a load of this…are you ready? It’s an app that water-proofs your smartphone!! Vandelay Industries has announced and begun selling the mobile phone application entitled WATERPROOF.

WATERPROOF is designed to make your phone completely water-resistant. What does this mean? It means your phone can finally withstand exposure to liquid. Drop your phone into the toilet, sink, hot tub or bubbling cauldron of lamb’s blood and not concern yourself with the possibility of moisture damage!

The company’s Vice President, Art Vandelay, has given me the liberty of testing this revolutionary new mobile app. Let me tell you, it lives up to the hype!

I’ve left the windows open during a car wash. I’ve had lengthy phone conversations with ghosts in the shower. I’ve run my phone through the dishwasher rinse cycle to get it squeaky-clean. I put my phone in a glass of water on the nightstand before bed to silence text messages from my overly-aggressive therapist. I’ve even taken video of a snowball fight between a legion of psychotic fifth-graders in which I was caught up in the crossfire and relentlessly pelted with snowballs. After all this rigorous testing, my phone still works!

WATERPROOF uses patented Electro-Dry® technology to completely eradicate liquid molecules as they come into contact with device microchips. Simply amazing.

Folks–you can download, install and activate WATERPROOF today for the low low price of only $499.00 and use your phone near bodies of liquid worry-free!

Compatible with iOS 5/Android 4.0 and above. Not to be confused with PISSPHONE: the Golden Shower app. Use as directed.

Kellogg’s To Release Brand New Product Line In Colorado and Washington.

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Battle Creek, MI – In the wake of the recent election, Kellogg’s plans to release a brand new product line specifically for the states of Colorado and Washington.

For the supporters of marijuana, it was a historic moment as the states of Washington and Colorado recently made it legal to smoke pot recreationally.  Gov. John Hickenlooper of Colorado cautioned voters on Tuesday night: “Don’t break out the Cheetos or the Goldfish too quickly.”   Why would he say such a thing?  That’s because he has your best interest at heart and knows there may be better food to choose from when you get the munchies.

Kellogg’s recently announced that they are to release an entirely new product line specifically for the states of Washington and Colorado.  When asked if it has anything to do with marijuana now being legal, Kellogg’s spokesperson had this to say, “Marijuana has nothing to do with our new product line.  We feel Washington and Colorado are the best test markets to release a new an improved product line.  We want to make it very clear that our products such as pop tarts and cinnamon roll mini-wheats ARE NOT marketed toward marijuana users.  We are against this terrible terrible drug and anyone who uses it.  Again, our sweet tasting, sugary, FROSTED pop tarts are NOT stoner food nor will they ever be.  They are a very healthy snack for anyone.  Some of the new products in our line such as Frosted Cheese Dorito Flakes are for the children.  We care about providing healthy food to the young and old people of America.  Marijuana is the devil!”

An internal product line was leaked and we have some of the new products Kellogg’s plans to release right here!

Cheese Dorito Flakes W/Extra Cheese

Mile High Frosted Pies

Gan Ja Multi-Grain Chocolate Monster Cereal/Lunch/Dinner Bar

Little Bud(ies) Sticky Rice Krispies Bars

Hipstix

Dreaddies Mini-Wheats

Blazed Donuts

Mary Jane’s Smokey Nut Rolls

Giggle Toast (Peanut Butter and Dorito Sandwich – Gluten Free)

Malted Marley Wheat – It’s dank, mon! ®

Aunt Mary’s Wacky Blueberry French Toast Waffles (two scoops of icecream sandwiched between two large blueberry french toast waffles drizzled in a sweet raspberry sauce)

Ashy Kush Balls

 

Although disappointed that an internal employee would leak such information, Kellogg’s spokesperson would like to reiterate that these products are NOT marketed toward stoners and only just BY CHANCE had already chosen Washington and Colorado as the test markets before it was legalized.

Stay tuned as we release the second part of the product line just recently leaked as well.

Wal Mart Helping Shoppers Gear Up for Black Friday

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Bentonville, AR – The visionary brain trust contained at Wal Mart headquarters in Bentonville, AR is setting the stage for Black Friday by implementing protective measures for their late night/early morning shoppers. Headquarters is requiring that each Wal Mart greeter be equipped with combat gear to distribute to each customer who passes through the waiting line on Black Friday.

Wal Mart is also reported to be hiring armed guards to act as aisle fight referees. These “aisle knights” will post up at the corner of every department calling off the hounds, scraping mutilated corpses off the tile and rewarding the most ferocious victor his or her merchandise trophy.

 

A shield, helmet and lance will be made readily available for every gladiator brave enough to venture through Hell’s portal. Warriors from all across the region are set to gather eagerly at the gates of your friendly neighborhood Wal Mart to put their fighting skills to the test.

When the smoke clears and the dust settles, there can only be one victor! This November 23rd is sure to be a battle of epic proportions! Who among you possesses the strength and fortitude it requires to decimate your way to glory? Who will hoist the coveted 30% off LED TV? Anxiousness looms in the heart of the warrior during the coming week. Dost thee rugged soccer mom have what it takes to rise above?

Walmart Blamed For Mitt Romney Loss Election 2012

Romney Loses By Landslide. Walmart To Blame.

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Washington, DC – The presidential election is finally over.  Obama wins by a landslide and will continue on being President of the United States for another 4 years.  However, new reports are coming in as to why Romney lost by such a landslide and Walmart is being blamed.

It is being reported that thousands upon thousands of stupid uneducated voters flocked to area Walmarts thinking that each and every one was an election polling station.  Some residents even drove hours upon hours to the closest Walmart only to find out that it was indeed NOT a polling station.  Walmart might offer everything, but not voting booths.

Once inside, voters went irate after learning that there were indeed no polling stations.  Trampling occurred like that you see on Black Fridays and multiple people have been hurt.  Two people reportedly shot.  However, this quickly passed as they realized they were in Walmart and could get 50 photo sticker prints printed of their ugly and repulsive baby for ONLY $3!!  What a deal!

Without all of these votes, no one will know if Mitt Romney could have won or how much more Obama would’ve beat Romney.

During the next election, Walmart plans on putting up 50ft tall bright neon signs stating that Walmart IS NOT A POLLING STATION in all Walmart locations.

Official Mitt Romney Press Release

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Boston, MA – With the presidential campaign in full swing, Mitt Romney has made very significant strides as the Republican front-runner. He and his running mate Paul Ryan have made their share of gaffes, and yet they trudge on. Next up on the strategery list: the Romney camp has released a statement written by Mitt himself. We bring it to you verbatim, word-for-word:

What a wild ride it has begun so far. My campaign and my family have been working very hard on a considerable campaign. We have traveled the nation, listening to stories about possible voters and undecided voters and what they really need from our Government. Now, as you all know, there has been much skepulation regarding my tax formations. Let me just say this. I have pain taxes in every year of my income. My releases have been released. So now there is no mystery suspicion. We can move on. I am eager to fulfill my guarantee of jobs in my Presidency. The Romney Presidency will have jobs in 2013. This I can guarantee. President Brock Obama has led this country in the wrong path for the last 4 years. Now it’s my turn to lead this path. This is where the men become the boys. Join me, won’t you?

This seems to us like the Romney camp is making well-timed attempt at damage control following this week’s rocky, seemingly fact-less debate performance. That, coupled with this statement of clarification is all part of a larger effort to get this campaign back on the rails. Best of luck to you, Mitt, and may the best man win.

McDonald’s Sandwich Lover Awarded $2 Million Settlement

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Pittsburgh, PA – A McDonald’s customer suing the world-famous restaurant chain for damages caused after burning himself on a hot Big Mac has won his case. Ryan Deerfield of Pittsburgh, PA took it upon himself to sue after a piping hot Big Mac burned him while he was enjoying it–but not in the way you and I are picturing. Oh no. Deerfield had taken his love for the Big Mac to a whole new level…

Have you ever heard someone profess their love for a restaurant with such vigor and enthusiasm it made you wonder what sort of drugs they were on? Well, Deerfield made his love of the McDonald’s Big Mac very apparent to store patrons one fine day back in February. According to the lawsuit, Deerfield was under quite a spell that upon ordering the Big Mac, he got so “excited” that he decided to take the sandwich to an enclosed bathroom stall where he proceeded to have “carnal relations” with the food item. Ryan had sex with his Big Mac and the meat grease burned his meat.

Ryan filed suit with the company, citing “gross negligence” for selling a sando that was “too hot to handle” much like the coffee burn victim did many years ago. Damages were awarded to the tune of $2 million dollars and a new disclaimer to be posted on the side of every McDonald’s sandwich wrapper:

“Surgeon General Warning: Sandwich not meant for external application. For internal use only.”

Congratulations, Mr. Deerfield, on being awarded for the disgusting act of sando rape. You are a despicable, deplorable human being. It behooves you to chip off the Observer some of that Big Mac love money, bud. Come on. Hook us up!

NASA Roundup: What We Know About Mars So Far

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Pasadena, CA – Mission control for the worldly popular Curiosity on Mars excursion has released a preliminary report of the rover’s findings. These highly unclassified and somewhat opinionated documents provide detail on what NASA has already figured out about the Red Planet. Here are a few snippets:

  • The Curiosity rover has not yet floated away from the planet which leads us to believe Mars has a gravitational pull. Enough gravity, in fact, to keep rocks and Curiosity firmly grounded. 
  • Mars has rocks. Rocks all over the damn place. Many of them a burnt-sienna/reddish color. We will utilize Curiosity’s laser system to analyze the rocks for science. FIRST!
  • The Curiosity rover is a technological wonder. Fueled on nuclear energy, it contains enough self-propulsion to roam the Red Planet on its own for many months collecting data for our mission. Meanwhile, our Earth vehicles (cars) require extensive hands-on repairs and maintenance on a month-to-month basis just to get us to work and back.
  • No atmosphere on Mars. It would take a legion of Curiosity rovers to build an oxygen-containing biodome that might be sufficient in sustaining human life. This type of project is easily a lifetime in the making–our kids’ kids might live to see it happen, but will likely never afford the financial expense necessary to experience it.
  • Seems to be plenty of uninhabited territory here. Nothingness. This excursion is turning into a blatant misappropriation of government funding that could have easily went towards aiding the less-fortunate beings of the planet we currently reside on (Earth) instead of analyzing an enormous ball of red rock. No telling yet whether the government is planning to deport the nation’s homeless to Mars instead of providing more sufficient government aid for their disabilities and misfortune on the home front? Foreclosed-on families are living on the streets in America.

Curiosity will complete a two-year mission on the surface of Mars– tooling around, analyzing dirt and junk just to make sure nothing ever lived there. Pretty darn cool if you ask me.