Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

New School For Gifted Children Requires Quantitative Proof That A Child Is Gifted

Leave a reply

Honeybrook School For The Gifted

West Fargo, ND – The “city on the grow” will soon be adding a brand new state-of-the-art school just for gifted children.

Honeybrook School will be the best school in the country for children of all ages who are deemed to be gifted.

Applicants will be rigorously tested and interviewed to determine which get admitted to Honeybrook School For The Gifted.

Based on their age, each applicant to Honeybrook will be tested and given a score of 1-10 in 25 different categories with the highest possible score being 250.

Here are the 25 categories an applicant will be scored in: ability to follow directions, abstract reasoning, activity level, alertness, attention span, concentration, creativity, critical thinking skills, curiosity, energy level, frustration level, imagination, interests, inventiveness, language, learning speed, memory, observation, problem-solving skills, processing of information, reactions to noise, reading, retention, sense of humor, and vocabulary.

Any child with a test score of 200+ will qualify to attend Honeybrook School For The Gifted.

In case you’re wondering, the team name at this school for the gifted is the Honeybrook Gifs (pronounced Jifs).

Chief Justice John Roberts Swears Himself In During Rare Senate Moment

Leave a reply

A rare moment in history sees Chief Justice Roberts swearing in himself.

Washington, DC – Before swearing in all the members of the Senate for the impeachment trial of President Trump, Chief Justice John Roberts had to first swear in himself according to some archaic constitutional protocols.

Justice Roberts #1: Will you place your left hand on the Bible and raise your right hand?

Justice Roberts #2: Will you place your right hand on the Bible and raise your left hand?

Justice Roberts #1: “Do you solemnly swear that in all things appertaining to the trial of the impeachment of President Donald John Trump, president of United States, now pending, you will do impartial justice according to the Constitution and laws, so help you God?”

Justice Roberts #2: “I sure do…so help me God.”

Then, both Justice Roberts #1 and Justice Roberts #2 together administered the exact same oath to all one hundred senators, who will act as the jury in the impeachment trial of President Trump, so help us God!

“Days Of Our Lives” Soap Opera Being Replaced By Another Called “Endless Impeachment”

Leave a reply

Endless Impeachment will now be taking the place of Days of Our Lives

Washington, DC – Sadly, the long-running soap opera Days Of Our Lives which began in 1965 will soon be terminating due to lack of interest.

However, in its place will be another long-running soap opera called Endless Impeachment which does not suffer from a lack of interest.

Unlike Days Of Our Lives which was an hour-long show just on week days, Endless Impeachment will run 24 hours a day, seven days a week.

President Trump tweeted that he is looking forward to watching Endless Impeachment when he isn’t busy golfing, but thinks the show should instead be called Creatures From The Swamp!

Society Beginning To Show Signs Of Early Dementia Along With Schizophrenia And Bipolarism

Leave a reply

The three windows of collective crazy are schizophrenia, bipolarization, and dementia.

Earth, Milky Way – Social experts are now in unanimous agreement that global society in general is showing all the telltale signs of madness.

Dr. Gamela Dowling explains that all the signs are present to evidence the fact that the world’s human population as a whole is tilting toward group sickness.

Dr. Omega Dingwall says that the three-legged stool of a society going crazy is: 1. demographic dementia, 2. social schizophrenia, and 3. behavioral bipolarity.

Doctors Dowling and Dingwall will carefully continue to observe global society for signs of group sickness as should each and every one of us, as we comfortably sit down to uncomfortably watch the local, national, and world news reports documenting the crazy times in which we live.

Crazily, all the letters in both Omega Dingwall and Gamela Dowling re-arrange into: We All Going Mad!

Local Service Clubs Helping To Make Snow Forts For The Homeless

Leave a reply

The Snow Forts For The Homeless program is a winter win/win!

Fargo, ND – All of the service clubs in the Fargo-Moorhead area are joining forces to help the homeless during the cold winter months.

Dr. Whit Emerson, who is currently serving as president of the Friendly Raccoons service club, suggested the idea of building snow forts for the homeless to his friend Mister Howen.

These two remarkable men have now consolidated the collective energy of all the service clubs in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area with the single goal of providing each and every one of the area’s homeless population with a home, at least until Spring when they melt.

Amazingly, all of the letters in both Whit Emerson and Mister Howen can be re-arranged to spell: Winter Homes!

Moorhead’s Turkey Mitigation Program Getting High Marks

Leave a reply

Let’s Talk Turkey!

Moorhead, MN – The City of Moorhead is having a special all-city meeting to talk turkey.

With a problematic over-abundance of wild turkeys, all options are on the table.

Option #1: Turkey Adoption Program (TAP) would ask Moorhead residents to adopt one (1) wild turkey and keep it in the confines of their fenced back yard with the idea that if kept apart, there would be less wild turkeys in the future.

Option #2: Slingshot some of Moorhead’s wild turkeys into Fargo with the idea being: Out of sight. Out of mind. Out of Moorhead!

Option #3: Market Moorhead Turkey Jerky at all the local convenience stores with the idea that if you can’t beat them, then just eat them. (Another variation here would be for Moorhead to celebrate Thanksgiving monthly.)

Option #4: Gather up all the wild turkeys and turn them into Wild Turkey Bourbon to be used as the centerpiece of Moorhead’s Annual Wild Turkey Bourbon Fest.

Your FM Observer Is Humbled To Have Once Again Won Best Website Award

Leave a reply

FMO wins 2019 Best Website Award!

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer, which began as a simple scribble on a soiled napkin in the dank basement of a defunct church, is so very proud and humbled to once again accept the most prestigious award for Best Website of 2019.

Because of all our faithful readers, we somehow earned this award again by being the main source of news for many people who trust us to provide them accurate information about the latest happenings in our ever-changing world of fluxational madness.

Our incredibly dedicated staff of hundreds, who sometimes sleep less than two hours per night, feel this award only motivates them more to get less sleep in the future.

If you would like to stop by our corporate headquarters to see our latest award, please also feel free to enjoy some excellent Lobster Bisque which was made especially for you!

FMO To Host Free All-City Concert Featuring Hot Mega-Band “Neon Fruitcake!”

Leave a reply

Neon Fruitcake! coming to West Fargo!

West Fargo, ND – To help get the New Year started off going in the right direction, your FM Observer will be hosting a free concert open to everyone who lives in West Fargo.

The super trending band Neon Fruitcake! will be playing all their current mega-hits including “2020” and “Up Yours”!

If your zip code is 58078 and you’re looking for the place to be in 2020, head on over to see Neon Fruitcake!

Just as the concert is free, also feel free to bring a fruitcake to the event to share with others or toss up onto the stage to show your support of Neon Fruitcake!

Note: Any people from Fargo or Moorhead caught trying to sneak into this concert will be deported back to their county of origin.

FMO’s Medivan To Provide Free Medical Check-Ups To Shovelers

Leave a reply

FMO’s new Medivan is now offering free full physical exams to anyone out shoveling.

West Fargo, ND – While out shoveling heavy snow and pushing your body to the limit, how would you like to step into the warmth of a mobile medical van for a free full physical examination?

Our long-time friend Dr. Fred Wangstone first had the idea of having a Medivan to provide free medical services while he was in prison for having impersonated a medical doctor.

Now that Dr. Wangstone is out of prison, your FM Observer has helped our friend Fred make his pipe dream come true!

If you are out shoveling your driveway, sidewalk, deck, or roof and you see Dr. Wangstone’s free Medivan coming down your unplowed street, simply wave it down to stop for your full free medical check-up along with unlimited Oreo cookies and some spicy hot rum punch.

No Parking On Streets Of Fargo After 4+ Inches Of Snow Has Fallen

Leave a reply

After 4+ inches of snow, can I be parked on the street? No!

Fargo, ND – A new and much stricter parking law in Fargo may leave many street parkers surprised when they come out to look for their vehicle.

In order to help the snow plows do their job more quickly, after four or more inches of snow has fallen, any owners with cars parked on the streets of Fargo will have their vehicles compacted into a one foot cube for easy stackability at the city’s impound lot.

Q: What should owners do with their street-parked cars after 4+ inches of snow has fallen?

A: Perhaps go for a leisurely drive, or go park your car in Moorhead until your street has been properly cleared by the city plows.

Q: Can I get my car back after it’s been impounded?

A: Yes, but it will have been compacted into a one foot cube for easy stackability.