Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Win A New Robot For The New Year

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Win me and I will win your heart.

West Fargo, ND – It is time once again for some lucky person or family to have a chance to Win-A-Robot.

This particular robot is programmed to do multiple tasks such as: lift your car, crack an egg, answer the doorbell, call 9-1-1, mix a drink, walk your dogs, and give long massages.

His name is Robert Paulson and his model number is RPX2015.

Robert likes witty conversation, walks along the beach, watching old movies, and meeting new friends.

Listen to some others who’ve Won-A-Robot:

Arden Haug said: “Instead of cleaning up after them, they clean up after you. I love my robot even though it’s quite OCD.”

Vivian Rude admits: “Things were kind of rough at first but then we started seeing eye to eye once we determined who was the boss.”

Lucy Mimster told us: “I can’t believe I was able to survive all those years without my robot, who now has become part of our family especially during the Holidays.”

So, sign up now to Win-A-Robot. Finalists will be researched, studied, and psycho-analyzed by Robert who will ultimately pick the winner of this year’s Win-A-Robot contest.

Wrap Framed Art To Decorate Your Home For Christmas

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Wrap it up!

North Pole – With the Christmas and Festivus holiday season almost here you probably have all your shopping done, trees decorated, stockings hung up, cards sent out and cookies in the oven.

If you want a fun and easy idea to transform your home into major Christmasland, wrap your hanging framed pictures!

Of course, the back sides don’t need to be wrapped like an actual present, but it certainly changes the feel of any room quickly!

The other nice thing is it covers up pictures that might not be on board with the Christmas holiday theme and the paper can be reused to wrap oxymoronical “future presents”.

This is a wonderful tradition we here at the FM Observer have been doing for hundreds of years after the idea was passed down to us from our progenitors and which we now want to pass on to you and yours.

Lisa Donadio tweeted: “That is SO cute! Thanks for the clever idear.”

Carmen Cook said: “Leave it to the FM Observer to have such great creative holiday decorating tips.”

The best thing about this trick is that it’s such a double whammy: you get rid of the art that is not particularly Christmasy AND you get wrapped presents in its place! It’s easy, affordable, and fun too. Just like drinking eggnog, it really does make things festive.

Mary (and Joseph) Christmas from the FM Observer and hava Happy New Year!

Heineken Home Deliveries Being Well Received

Heineken Home Deliveries

Heineken Home Deliveries

West Fargo, ND – Some towns still have home delivery services of milk from the milkman.

Other home deliveries might include hot pizza and junk mail.

One of the best days in our neighborhood is when the Heineken Man makes his rounds.

Community organizer Thiv Simpskins says: “It’s always nice to have a small stockpile of biers at home during the long, cold winters.”

But if you happen to be running a bit low, it is so convenient to have a case or three of Heineken delivered directly to your front door from The Netherlands.

If interested, sign up at any place where adult beverages are sold.

Simply tell the store clerk that you are “Ready for Freddy“!

Join FMO On A Whirlwind Trip Around The World

Make New Friends While Seeing 100 Cities In 100 Days

Non-stop travel means non-stop fun!

Non-stop travel means non-stop fun!

Fargo, ND – We here at the FM Observer are gearing up for our 1st Annual Trip Around The World.

The plan is to hit one hundred cities in one hundred days of fun-packed adventure while making some new life-long friends.

This whirlwind world tour will include stops in such places as: Milan, Madrid, Melbourne, Mexico City, Minsk, Moscow, Monterey, Montreal, and Mutunopolis. Basically any city that starts with an ‘M’ is fair game.

In some cities we might be there for only a couple of hours especially if we can’t find any decent rooms to rent.

Travelers would need to have a valid passport and would be limited to one carry-on piece of luggage.

The total cost per person is unclear at this time so you’ll have to bring lots of money.

For more details, simply contact Fly-By-Night Travel and ask for Merlin. Tell him you’ll be traveling with the FM Observer group and that you want the “Fun Package”.

Ask FMO: How To Keep Your Dog From Pissing On Your Christmas Tree

I see. A tree. I pee.

I see. A tree. I pee.

Christmas Valley, OR – A reader asks: Dear FMO, We love our dog Bruno. We also love having a real Christmas tree inside our home. But we don’t love it when Bruno pees on our tree (and presents). Is there a way to prevent this? Thanks, Yuri Nator.

Thank you Yuri for your great question. We get this particular question a lot!

There are things you can try in order to prevent this such as: putting up a fence around the perimeter of the tree area, or providing alternative spots for Bruno to go like a fake indoor fire hydrant, or you could even implement the use of a shock collar.

But unfortunately there are just certain things that simply go against the basic laws of nature, such as: we cannot stop the flow of hot lava, the Minisoda Vikings will never win the Super Bowl, and Big Government will never choose to reduce its own size.

So, the short answer to your question is: NO. But please let us know if you figure out a solution to your problem so we can share it with all the rest of our millions of readers.

Stephen Kink’s New “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” Promises To Change Christmas Forever

Death Santa

I’m toxic and here for revenge.

Toxico, NM – A new book by Stephen Kink which is scheduled to be released before Christmas will permanently alter your holiday mindset.

It’s a dark tale about the “original” Santa who after being poisoned multiple times with toxic cookies and milk decides to get some revenge.

Book reviewer Kade Hygene said: “After I started getting into this book, my whole body was shaking like a hand-held electric massage machine.”

“Some of the book is written in normal prose style with instructive narrative. But whenever it goes into the rhyming poetic style, that’s when it’s time to lock the doors and plug the chimney,” warns Kade.

Look for “Toxic Santa’s Revenge” wherever scary books are sold. It promises to change your attitude toward Christmas forever.

More Memorable Moments From Cody Marthaller

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“Be happy and enjoy everyday life.” –Cody Marthaller (1982-2014)

As mentioned in a previous post, we recently lost Cody Marthaller, who was a dear friend and also a co-founder of this website.

Back in 2004, Cody wrote: “Some time in life something will strike hard, but you just get back up and try harder. Everything in life as we perceive it, is really not how it is; look beyond and see how it really is. Be happy and enjoy everyday life. Treat people with respect and do what is right. Share your thoughts and feelings with people. They will be more fair. We are who we are. Just a human.”

This post is Part 2 of some of Cody’s more memorable posts. All of these posts are from the year 2013. In the coming weeks, look for Part 3 in this series where we’ll revisit some of Cody’s more memorable moments from 2012 (which was the first year of FMO).

Scroll over any post to see the date it was published (desktop users only). Simply click on any title to be taken to that particular post. Enjoy!

gifs of the week volume 1
i’m glad i brought my pacifier
kanye west t-shirt available once again
black friday is upon us
call of duty ghosts xbox 360 review: it sucks
xbox one vs ps4 fanboy off
objects miley cyrus has not violated
pet halloween costume contest
terrible song lyrics of the week: we can’t stop miley cyrus
evolution of the tablet pc
how to become a nascar fan in 3 days
herpes infected monkeys terrorize florida
guy pees at airport
scientists discover a gate to hell in fargo north dakota
oscar the grouch admits he is made of marijuana
miley cyrus at the vmas with commentary by joe rogan and mike goldberg
angry ram vs. motorcyclist
amanda bynes is a ghost
christain ponder to play kicker
man weighing a baby giraffe
stop yelling at me
fargo reality show details revealed
what the fuck is wrong with craigslist
amanda bynes meltdown going along smoothly
bumble bee gives a high five
best username ever
costco employee has a unique name
hide and seek world champion
silva and weidman kiss
4th of july dogs
man crashes car into 2 cows humping in road video
just for men touch of gray
gillette ad fail
west fargo school suspends kid for wearing camouflage shirt
ridiculously healthy foods to eat while high
collection of xbox one memes
dog playing with ball
new police video ndsu linebacker travis beck had dirty hands
learn how to massage your cat
why it’s ok to drive a minivan
jim briton is the best bathroom swordsman in fargo moorhead
local middle aged man just stops giving a fuck
summer fashion tips
gary clark to be on the next season of dancing with the stars
semi loses control on i-94 in west fargo
google street view hyperlapse
friendly reminders for the professional recreational slowpitch softball guy
aerobic self defense
celebrities claiming nations
a direct recording of alexander graham bells voice filtered version
bear throw
fargo west fargo and moorhead cleanup week postponed until 2020
whole lot of boner at the summit league women’s golf championship
bismarck kfyr news anchor swears on air
it’s 420 in denver
owning a microsoft windows 8 computer
one million moms group wants kmart’s ship my pants commercial pulled from the air
jon stewart tears apart cnn on boston reporting
best rap lyrics of the week: dmx here comes the boom
ban on human assault weapons
does that say what i think it says
questions to ask before joining a religion
name that animal cookie
chuck norris action jeans
terrible song lyrics of the week: lil wayne love me
i only speak ecard now
a blast from the past
the cities of fargo west fargo and moorhead all hate you
infinity ward to release call of duty 5, 6, 7, and 8 all next month
michael schiavello pronunciation of danny mainus at rfa
hundreds of fargo residents found
one thing about march madness that annoys me
fargo first day of spring
wi fi network name ideas
to the conclave no pope after day 2 come on man
smiling goats
smiling little sheep
pope benedict xvi resigning to become head coach of penn state football
a bunny in a pocket
terrible song lyrics of the week: asap rockey fuckin problems
how schools decide to close during weather events
hundreds of cars said fuck this shit this morning leaving people with no transportation
bill burns defends fargo from storm gandolf his story
floating baby hippopotamus
jamaal franklin of san diego state says he isn’t a ball hog
valley news live coverage of sitting buses leaves anchors struggling to fill time
terrible song lyrics of the week: taylor swift i knew you were trouble
kvrr fox of fargo Moorhead weather reporter says what?
thousands of ndsu fans lost in frisco texas
government takes more money out of my paycheck and why i’m celebrating
hilarious mike goldberg quotes

Government To Begin Grouping People Into “Sick Camps” By What Diseases We Have

This group of people all have the same disease. Guess which one.

All of the people in this group have the same disease. Can you guess which one?

Washington, DC – With the help of the CDC (Centre for Disease Control), Big Government will soon be organizing communities into groups of people based on what diseases we have.

Since Big Government already has access to all of your private medical records, the group you will be in has already been decided upon by your local community organizing Obamacare Navigator.

People with similar disease profiles will eventually all be bussed to a special Sick Camp specifically designed just for that group, where they will be provided afforable healthcare based on their income levels and past voting records.

So, as the new year approaches, make sure your bags are all packed and that you and your other family members are all ready to be separated for an “undetermined amount of time” so that Big Government can help you help yourself.

Ray Rice Challenges Any Woman To Fight Him In An Elevator

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“I know I can beat you and I will defeat you”, rhymes Ray Rice

Baltimore, Maryland – Short on cash since he was banned from football, Ray Rice has challenged any woman to fight him in a casino elevator.

The former Baltimore Ravens running back says he is not afraid to fight any woman in an elevator, just as Andy Kaufman bravely dared to fight any woman in the Professional Wrestling ring.

To help raise some needed money for the unemployed football player, these events will be shown live on a Pay-Per-View Channel via hidden elevator security cameras.

Interspersed throughout the broadcast, Ray Rice will be shown doing some taped cooking segments in which he will demonstrate 1. how to beat the crap out of eggs for the perfect omelette, 2. how to tenderize meat by pounding the hell out of it, and 3. how to whip cream real fast.

Sign Up Now For Exciting Parade Of Hoarder Homes

Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Chance to see some unique homes filled to the ceiling with piles of crap.

Fargo, ND – With hoarding starting to become rather chic, Fargo is excited to announce its First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Parade president Irv Sheik says: “We’re looking for some major hoarders who might want to be included in our First Annual Parade Of Hoarder Homes. It’s going to be a real fun event.”

Please call 1-800-HOARDER to sign up or to nominate a neighbor for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes.

Hoarder homes that are selected for the Parade Of Hoarder Homes will need to have adequate paths through all their piles of crap so that people can parade through each room and get their money’s worth of viewing before voting for the winner of the Best Hoarder Award with the Grand Prize being a $10,000 credit to the Home Shopping Network.