Category Archives: Recipes For Success

You can build anything if you have the Recipe For Success

Lottery Winner On Way To Collect Jackpot Killed By Distracted Driver

Lucky to have won the lottery jackpot but then unlucky to have gotten hit by a distracted driver.

Bismarck, ND – Ty Barich was excitedly on his way to collect his jackpot millions after repeatedly checking his winning lottery ticket with his pregnant wife.

While crossing the street en route to the lottery headquarters, Mr. Barich got hit by a distracted driver who decided it was more important to text “LOL” to his friend rather than stop at a red light and look for any pedestrians crossing the street on a green light.

Now, because a dummkopf distracted driver thinking that texting a short quick message on his smartphone was more important than paying attention to being in control of his moving motorized vehicle, another innocent person’s life is unncessarily altered or even taken away from them and their family.

The North Dakota legislature is now considering increasing the penalty for distracted driving to either life behind bars (with no access to a smartphone) or quickly being put in front of a firing squad composed of people who have been negatively affected by a distracted driver.

Ironically, all of the letters in “Ty Barich” can be re-arranged to spell: Hit by car!

New Detention Centers Being Built Just For Distracted Drivers

Welcome to our new Detention Facility where you can think long and hard about your distracted driving.

Bismarck, ND – With the huge surge in accidents caused by distracted drivers, lawmakers are responding with a draconian strengthening of punishments for those who choose to endanger others with their irresponsible negligence while behind the wheel of a vehicle.

The new Blacktomb Holding Center will house Level One first-time minor violators who will lose their driver’s licenses for one year while doing community service at either an autobody shop or a hospital, whichever one they hate most.

Level Two violators will be personally escorted to the new Rockwood Correctional Facility where they can do manual labor during the day for five years and spend the evenings watching videos of actual fatal crashes caused by distracted drivers.

Finally, for the Level Three felons who have caused horrific damage, they will have ten years to think about their bad behavior at the new Firevault Max Security Prison where they will be lucky to see the light of day or their families for the next ten years of pure hellaciousness.

Anti-Distracted Driver Movement Gaining Steam

Distracted Driver = No Driver

Hawley, MN – Just imagine you’re completely stopped at a red light and a distracted driver (who later claims he didn’t see you) rear-ends your vehicle at 50 mph without ever even slamming on the brakes.

This is happening more and more to more and more people every day.

The time to end distracted driving is now.

A new anti-distracted driver group calling itself B.A.D.D. (Berate All Distracted Drivers) is encouraging everyone who sees any sort of distracted driver to honk your frickin’ horn long and loud at distracted drivers in order to 1. wake them out of their stupor, 2. scold them for putting anything else as higher priority than driving, and 3. hopefully avoid them ramming into you or the person in front of them, or flattening a child running out onto the street unexpectedly.

A vehicle traveling at 50 mph is moving at 75 feet per second and if a distracted driver happens to be behind the wheel, that vehicle may as well be driven by a blind-folded drunk monkey.

Volunteers Sought For Deja-Vu Clinical Study

Do U ever have deja vu? Didn’t U just ask me that?

West Fargo, ND – A new clinical study focusing on Deja Vu is now seeking volunteers who may have had personal experiences with the Deja Vu phenomenon.

The Marzano Clinic will be paying selected volunteers $200 per day as they undergo a full battery of testing designed to isolate and document the Deja Vu occurrences.

A new clinical study focusing on Deja Vu is now seeking volunteers who may have had personal experiences with the Deja Vu phenomenon.

The Marzano Clinic will be paying selected volunteers $200 per day as they undergo a full battery of testing designed to isolate and document the Deja Vu occurrences.

Elderly Man Dies Peacefully At Home After Family Tells Him Trump Was Impeached

Impeach is the new favorite ice cream flavor in many blue states.

West Fargo, ND – Surrounded by family, close friends, and a few random strangers, Mr. Patrum McPhie let himself go toward the light after hearing the news that President Trump had just been impeached.

Dr. Mutch Pimpare who was acting as spokesperson for the motley group, said they believed it was the best thing to offer up the fake news to the family’s dying patriarch that President Trump had just been impeached so that Mr. McPhie could just relax and go in peace.

Ironically, both Mutch Pimpare and Patrum McPhie can somehow be magically re-arranged to spell: Impeach Trump!

Tiger Woods Asking For Help And Understanding After Admitting Being Wealthy Ain’t Easy

Tiger Woods is asking for help.

Jupiter, Florida – In the wake of Tiger Woods getting arrested for driving under the influence (of something), many see this as his quiet way of asking for help.

Dr. Pedigo Elsworth explains that Tiger Woods may be the victim of over-wealthiness which can easily take its toll on an otherwise fairly normal person.

Dr. Dople Seigworth concurs, noting that having an abundance of money can leave a vacuous void in someone’s life which is usually filled with drugs, alcohol, facebook, or liberalism.

Life ain’t easy when you’re super rich. Just ask Tiger, whose hair is now going gray.

A Go-Fund-Me account is being set up to help Tiger Woods however none of the money raised will actually be given to Tiger as that would just make matters worse for him.

Tiger Woods: “Yeah, I really appreciate the help and support since that is what I need. The song lyrics ‘When you’re down and troubled, and you need a helping hand, and nothing, nothing is going right’ pretty much describes my life these days.”

Ironically, both Pedigo Elsworth and Dople Seigworth can be rearranged to spell: Help Tiger Woods!

New Tiger Woods Invitational Golf Tournament Only For Legally Drunk Players

Sometime being legally drunk can actually help your golf game. –Tiger Woods

Jupiter, Florida – The King of modern golf says it is time for him to start his own invitational golf tournament.

Tiger Woods says his new PGA tourney shall be called the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational.

Each participant will be required to consume enough adult beverages prior to each round of golf in order to be considered legally drunk by trained highway patrol officers.

Once each player’s blood alcohol level is at or above the legal limit for blood alcohol content, they will be allowed to tee off in groups of fore.

Tiger Woods: “I think this will be a real good test to see how players can handle normal adversity which is part of most people’s daily lives.”

The grand prize for the Tiger Woods DUI Invitational will be a hot new car and a full case of Mondavi red wine.

Valuable Items For Sale At Inflated Prices

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Since all collectible items must be sold, take half off the already half off prices and then reduce that by another astounding 50%!

These items are guaranteed to be one of kind with less than a million produced in nondescript industrial park factories that have no windows nor exits.

You deserve the best as do all the people waiting to receive a nice gift from you.

Call now and ask for the Xing Xang bonus gift-of-the-day with any gift pack order!

Golfer Ian Poultergeist Somehow Got Trapped In A Television Set

Ian Poultergeist trapped in this TV.

Buckinghamshire, England – Professional golfer Ian Poultergeist who is known for his bold fashion has somehow gotten trapped in an old television set.

Mr. Poultergeist: “Yes, I am definitely trapped in this TV and cannot seem to figure a way out.”

Becoming trapped in a television set is quite uncommon but has been known to happen from time to time, especially in England.

Cable Company: “We don’t know where Mr. Poultergeist is but would like to ask if you’d like to upgrade to our Premium Package.”

Ian Poultergeist’s golf caddie says Ian will continue to play in all upcoming tournaments that Ian has had scheduled for the 2017 season.

Mr. Poultergeist: “To all my fans: Hello and I’m fine. To everyone: Please help me find a way out of this Telly!”

New MN State Record Set For Smallest Walleye Ever Caught

This baby walleye sets the new record for the smallest walleye ever caught in the state of Minnesota!

Lakes, MN – Dr. Wayne Tilley didn’t know what he was in for during the Minnesota walleye fishing opener.

Wayne had no idear he would soon be the new state record-holder for the smallest walleye ever successfully reeled in since fishing records first began being kept back during the Taft administration.

Dr. Tilley plans to have the beautiful specimen stuffed and mounted for his children’s children to share with their children, if North Korea hasn’t nuked us by then.

Wayne Tilley in his own words: “Even tho it was only about four inches long and weighed in at about a quarter ounce, the darn little rascal put up a pretty good fight!

Ironically, all the letters in Wayne Tilley can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Tiny Walleye!