Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Top Ten Things To Do In The Fargo-Moorhead Area This Weekend!

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Here is a list of the Top Ten fun things to do in the FM area this weekend!

West Fargo, ND – Are you looking for something fun, new, and different to do this weekend?

Would you like to be where the happening action is at?

Well, once again you’ve come to the right place!

Based on our latest extensive research, here is a convenient synopsis of what’s going on in the greater Fargo Moorhead area this weekend:

☺ Perfume exchange at Alice Gronk’s home
☺ Offensive sign parade (Downtown Fargo)
​☺ All-city Tug-O-War (West Fargo)
☺ Kid’s Learn-How-To-Gamble Day (Horse Park)
☺ Annual mosquito count (Moorhead)
​☺ Reading of the Mueller Report (Fargo Library)
☺ Senior citizen Hide-n-Seek (Sabin)
☺ Paintball War competition (Island Park)
☺ Children’s self-defense against Catholic priests (YMCA)
☺ 24-hour Treasure Hunt (Fargo Landfill)

​Wealthy Benefactor Offers Conditional Money For Two Red River Valley Counties

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King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus

Las Vegas, NV – King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus has announced a conditional offering of very large sums of money for two lucky counties in the Red River Valley of the North.

King Cordeiro of Cyprus is offering Cass County $1 Billion for building the Red River Diversion project.

However, the Diversion project must be completely finished by October 31, 2021 or Cass County will owe the King twice his offer.

Separately, Poladian Cordeiro is offering Grand Forks County $500 Million if they can get UND’s team name changed back to the Fighting Sioux by January 1, 2021.

When asked why these generous offers for North Dakota, Poladian Cordeiro explained that he loves the movie Fargo, and he used to play hockey for UND.

Try Some Radioactive Soup For What Ails You

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You’ve probably heard them talking about Radioactive Soup on the radio.

​Are you wanting to jazz up your diet?

Do you need more energy to charge your batteries?

Would you like to consume more soup?

Dr. Audie Porta-Visco who specializes in radioactive foods suggests that you make some radioactive soup to cure whatever ails you.

Just like bacteria, not all radioactivity is harmful to your health.

A soup made with as many of the following highly radioactive ingredients will provide you with enough radioactivity to charge up your system: Brazil nuts, Lima Beans, Potatoes, Carrots, Avocados, and Red Meat.

For dessert, eat some Bananas and Peanut Butter and then wash it all down with Beer.

Since all of the aforementioned foods are relatively high in radioactivity, you should feel amazingly recharged within minutes.

Incredibly, all of the letters in Audie Porta-Visco can be stirred up to spell: Radioactive Soup!

Famous Rock Band ‘Autopsia’ Is Coming To Fargo; Tickets Selling Madly

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Autopsia will turn your life upside down!

Fargone, ND – Another excessively huge concert is just about to be announced for Fargo, North Dakotah!

Autopsia will be performing some of their greatest mega-hits, including:

Coffee and Cremation, Dead Upon Arrival, Peace Corpse, Skeletonia, The Last Laugh, Coffin Syrup, Prince Deadward, Hotel Gravestonia, Postmortem Fest, Autopsycho, Room 666, and Deadendless.

This incredible concert is brought to you by Hell-Oh Productions.

For ticket information, listen to the radio, watch TV, read newspapers, or just talk with your friends.

Do not miss Autopsia performing all the songs that made them one of the most recognizable bands in the world of music.

FM Observer Rating: ★★★★★

Expert Now Believes Universe Began And Will Also End With A Big Bang

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If you like big fireworks, you will love being around for the final Big Bang! –Dr. Gabbin Fingal

Bangor, Maine – Dr. Gabbin Fingal now has good reason to believe that the universe will end just like it began.

Dr. Fingal’s highly scientific model of the universe has repeatedly shown that the original Big Bang of creation can and will very likely be eventually followed by a final Big Bang of total disintegration.

Dr. Gabbin Fingal in his own words:

“This is what i believe, and what I believe is this, Sir Isaac Newton’s third law which states that ‘every action has an equal and opposite reaction’ assuredly also applies to the universe’s creational Big Bang.”

“When will this happen? It depends on how you set your Universal Clock.“

Scientifically, all the letters in Gabbin Fingal can be exploded into: Final Big Bang!

Burp McGuire Explains The Difference Between A Horse, Donkey, Mule, And Jackass

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Burp McGuire knows four-legged animals like the FM Observer knows real fake news.

West Fargo, ND – Our very own Burp McGuire answers a good question from one of our faithful readers.

Tammy LaConk asks: Dear Burp, what is the difference between a horse, a donkey, a mule, a jackass and a zebra?

Burp: Dear Tammy, thank you for your great question!

The answer is quite simple:

A male horse is called a stallion. A female horse is called a mare. A young donkey is called a foal. A male donkey is a jackass. A female donkey is known as a jennet or jenny. A male donkey is called a jack or an ass. A jackass is also called an ass or a jack. A burro is simply the Spanish word for donkey. A mule is the opposite of a hinny. A mule can either be a male or female. A zorse is the result of a male zebra and a female horse. A mule is the result of a male donkey and a female horse. A zedonk is the result of a male zebra and a female donkey. A hinny is the result of a male horse and a female donkey. A donkey has 62 chromosomes. A horse has 64 chromosomes. A mule has 63 chromosomes which is why they cannot reproduce. A mule is sterile because of its odd number of chromosomes. Some famous jackasses include AssAssin, Jassack, and SmartAss. One famous mule is Ferris Muler.

Fargo Getting Positive Response From Students About Year-Round Schooling

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Students are super stoked about the idea of year-round schooling!

Fargo, ND – Gone are the good old days of School’s Out For Summer!

Students of all ages in the Fargo school system will soon have the pleasure of year-round schooling.

School Board members are patting themselves on their collective backs for “thinking outside the box” on this one, and for coming up with such a smart New Age idea, which will presumably:

1. Raise grade point averages by 20-25% over the next twenty years.

2. Decrease future skin cancer by 20-25% over the next thirty years.

3. Combat the War On Learning Loss (which occurs during summers off).

4. Give children a taste of working a full-time job in the professional world.

5. Teach kids how to manage their recreational PTO (personal time off).

6. Act as punishment for being so spoiled with all their smartphones.

7. Teach the idea of respecting your elders.

8. Keep them busy, out of jail, and off drugs.

Moorhead Man Who Was Attacked By A Mourning Dove Is Expected To Survive

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This bad boy allegedly attacked a Moorhead man for no good reason.

Moorhead, MN – Mr. Nevin Goodrum, who was peacefully sitting in his backyard, decided to call to the mourning dove that was sitting up in his tree by blowing into his cupped hands.

After a few near-perfect calls, Mr. Goodrum was viciously attacked by the mourning dove who must’ve taken Nevin’s calls as total disrespect.

Seeing her husband all pecked down and bloodied up by the mourning dove, Mrs. Goodrum called 9-1-1 and explained the situation.

As you can imagine, Nevin Goodrum ain’t going to be calling to his neighborhood mourning doves any more, any time soon.

Just the sound of a mourning dove is now enough to send Mr. Goodrum to the Xanax drawer in an effort to calm Nevin’s frayed nerves.

Mourningly, all the letters in Nevin Goodrum can be pecked around to spell: Mourning Dove!

Clown Parade Coming To Downtown Fargo :o)

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Hey, you can totally trust me! I’m just a nice friendly old scary clown!

Fargo, ND – Downtown Fargo will soon be invaded by thousands of clowns from across the country.

Many clowns will be descending on Clowntown Fargo because it’s the next site of the annual national Clown Parade.

Despite the fact that clowns have gotten more and more scary during the past few decades, some children are still attracted to clown parades, mainly for all the free candy.

But, how much can you really trust freek candy from a scary clown in a clown parade in Downclown Fargo?

Watch your local news for informational updates on the upcoming Clown Parade in Clowntown Fargo.

Or, if you need immediate assistance, please visit any of the local clowns currently living under the bridge over troubled waters down near Downclown Fargo.

Tree Toppled By Storm’s Strong Winds Damages Home Which Owner Fixes Using Only Duct Tape

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Once again, duct tape proves to be the only real thing you need to fix anything.

Fargo, ND – The home of Dr. Devito Petalcu was heavily damaged this past weekend when a hurricane-force gust knocked down a very large tree onto his family’s house.

Not wanting to wait for help to arrive, the Petalcu group quickly removed the monstrous tree and chopped it up into neatly stacked firewood for the winter.

Then, Devito resourcefully used many rolls of colorful duct tape to masterfully repair the damage so as to almost make their home better than new.

Expectedly, all of the letters in Devito Petalcu can be duct taped together to spell: I Love Duct Tape!