Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

New ND Governor’s Mansion Mistaken For Highway Rest Area By Many Travelers

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Many find the marble bathrooms in the new ND Governor’s Residence to be very nice.

Bizmark, ND – Whether planned or unplanned is not certain at this juncture, but North Dakota’s new Governor’s Mansion looks like a highway rest area to many driving by.

Many a weary traveler going across the state have stopped at the new Executive Residence recently built for North Dakota’s Governor and have walked in to use the main floor bathroom facilities.

Some have even snooped into the kitchen fridge and played the lobby piano before continuing on with their journey.

The architect for the Executive Mansion was unavailable for comment, however he did text us back adamantly asking that we never send him another text again.

Besides looking like a highway rest area, others have likened the Executive Palace to a secretive bilateral nuclear bomb test shelter site.

But since the taxpayers of North Dakota own it because we paid for it, feel free to continue to stop and use it as a highway rest area, but please, only play the piano if you’re a certified trained professional.

Emergency Counselors Now Available For Problematic Family Situations

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We here at FECES are here to help you. Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services to the rescue!

Moorhead, MN – Summer means fun and family getogethers which can also lead to domestic disharmonies.

A new governMental agency called Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) is now here to help with an alphabet of problems including: altercations, brawls, conflicts, debates, eruptions, and fights.

If some serious disharmony breaks out during a gathering in your garage, at your lake cabin, or in a restaurant, just call Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) and they will professionally take care of your fecal matter.

When the shit hits the fan after the conversation turns to politics, climate change, or even gender fluidity, remember to immediately contact Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) to make sure everything comes out well in the end.

Cooking Corner: How To Cook A Caged Pigeon

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“The only thing better than cooking one caged pigeon is cooking two caged pigeons.” –Ped Gascoigne

Fargone, ND – Today in our Cooking Corner, we are interviewing Mr. Ped Gascoigne, who is opening a new restaurant in Downtown Fargo called The Squab House.

Since Mr. Gascoigne specializes in roasting caged pigeons, we’re going to find out from Ped exactly how to properly roast a caged pigeon.

Mr. Ped Gascoigne in his own words:

The pigeon is a stout-bodied bird with a rather short neck, so I recommend two caged pigeons per person, just to be safe.

After plucking and dressing your caged pigeons, preheat the oven to 500°F, or 260°C, or 533°K.

Paint the caged pigeons with some smidgens of melted butter. Then salt and sear the caged pigeons in a hot pan big enough for two plucked pigeons.

Once half cooked, pop the half-baked salty seared caged pigeons into the preheated oven for 10 minutes, breast side up.

Then remove the formerly caged pigeons from the oven and let them rest for five minutes before garnishing them with some chopped parsley.

Serve with a medium-bodied pinot noir or a stout-bodied pale ale. Enjoy!

Editor’s Note: You can procure good caged pigeons from any certifiable pigeon farmer in your area.

Interestingly, all of the letters in Ped Gascoigne can be re-arranged to spell: Caged Pigeons!

Bad Red Panda Gets Solitary Confinement After Escaping From The Red River Zoo

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To teach the bad Red Panda a lesson, Sheffield will spend 40 days in The Hole.

Fargone, ND – After a bad Red Panda named Sheffield escaped from the Red River Zoo, the head warden for the zoo felt he needed to send a very strong message to all of the rest of the zoo inmates.

For escaping from the zoo, their bad Red Panda named Sheffield will get forty (40) days in solitary confinement, and its provisions will be limited to only bamboo shoots, bamboo leaf tips, and various insects.

Warden Nowlan Paddock in his own words: “If we have to play hardball, we will certainly play hardball, in order to dissuade other animal inmates from even thinking about escaping from our colorful Red River Zoo Prism System.”

During the escape, after a few tense hours while Sheffield was possibly terrorizing nearby neighborhoods and causing temporary pandamonium, Zoo guards cleverly coaxed Sheffield down from a tree outside the zoo by bribing the bad Red Panda with its favorite cigarettes, expensive imported rum, and various Chinese candies.

Ironically, all of the letters in Nowlan Paddock can be re-arranged to spell: Panda Lockdown!

Group Of Fargo Wives Puts Their Husbands Out On Boulevard For Clean-Up Week

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Ten Fargo women decided they’d all be better off by getting rid of their ten husbands.

North Fargo, ND – Clean-up crews were quite surprised to see what had been put out by the curb in one North Fargo neighborhood.

Apparently, ten wives had gotten together and decided to put their ten retired husbands out to get taken away during Clean-Up Week.

After asking one of the wives if this was a joke, she simply yelled: “Yeah, this here ain’t no joke, sonny! You take ’em now! Go on now, you take ’em!”

The ten elderly retired gentlemen were escorted one-by-one into the large Clean-Up Week truck and then slowly taken away to wherever all those many tons of curb-side junk get taken, and none of them were ever heard from again.

Baby Sussex, The Future King Of England, Shall Be Called Jughead (Forsythe Pendleton Jones Of Windsor Castle)

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And he shall be called: Jughead! (short for: Forsythe Pendleton Jones George Harrison Mountbatten Lord Of Windsor Castle)

Windsor Castle, England – The High Duke and High Duchess Of Sussex finally announced the official name of their young bundle of joy: Forsythe Pendleton Jones George Harrison Mountbatten Lord Of Windsor Castle, but for short, they will just call him Jughead.

Prince Harry Potter and Mum Meghan Markle swaddled their dear Jughead Of Sussex in the softest wool blanket made from the finest Merino sheep which were fed only the sweetest clover grown within a temperature range between 5° and 22° C.

Mum Meghan about Baby Jughead: “It’s just so preciously magical how sweet his temperament is despite all his royal duties.”

Prince Hairy: “Jughead keeps changing hour by hour. We’ve already had to get him a new smartphone since he outgrew his first one.”

After proclaiming Jughead’s name, the proud couple took their young Lord Jughead off to drool on the Queen Of England and the Duke of Edinburgh, before starting his rigorous polo lessons.

Entire Family Goes Missing After Husband Dreams They Were All Kidnapped

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Their jeep was found on a road to nowhere.

Fargo, ND – In a case that might never be solved, an entire family has gone missing after the patriarch had a dream that his family had been kidnapped.

Mr. Damian Flipp-Dyke, who reportedly reported the dream by calling 9-1-1, is now missing along with his lovely wife, Lola Flipp-Dyke, and their three above-average children: Nyork, Zhway, and Ahzr.

The only remaining evidence of the family, besides their hungry dog sitting in an empty home, is the family’s jeep which was found abandoned on a random road down in the deep jungles of Guatemala.

If you have any pertinent information that might help solve this mysterious case, please report it to the Dream Police, or call the Kidnap Hotline and ask for Karl.

Abscondingly, all of the letters in Damian Flipp-Dyke can be re-arranged to spell: Family Kidnapped!

Kentucky Derby To Be Re-Raced For First Time In Its History

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The muddiest two minutes in sports were then followed by the muddiest 22 minutes in horse racing!

Louisville, KY – For the first time ever in its 145 year history, the Kentucky Derby will be re-run.

This unprecedented re-running of the Race For The Roses is due to a very controversial finish which resulted in the second biggest long shot ever to win the race, and which many consider a total fluke.

Maximum Security got called for interfering with War Of Will which breaks the racing Code Of Honor and which led to a Maximum Security disqualification which resulted in the Game Winner being 65-1 long shot Country House who was the Improbable horse to take home the roses.

But hold your horses! After much post-race day debate, the Kentucky Derby will be run again to see who the real winner is!

Future Teller “Precog” Coming To Fargo To Give Free Readings To FMO Readers

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Precog exists in the present and future.

West Fargo, ND – A near and dear friend of your FM Observer is making a special trip to Fargo to do fortune tellings for our readers.

He simply goes by the name Precog because of his extraordinary abilities to pre-cogitate and pre-cognize future events and happenings.

Precog correctly predicted the bridge collapse in Minneapolis, the last dozen March Madness final four teams, the wild success of our FM Observer website, and that the Minnesota Vikings would never win a Super Bowl (until the year 2079).

Others have said that having a future-scope session with Precog is organically transformational and can actually awaken your inner consciousness like never before.

If you would like Precog to connect to your inner light, in order to feel your spiritual vibrations, and then explain what the game of life has in store for you, please sign up for our random drawing.

Each winning name selected will get a free session with Precog, which will immediately be followed by a hot-air balloon ride with Precog to any down-wind destination of your choice.

Iconic Downtown Fargo Theater To Be Converted Into Condos

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The Fargo Theater sign will happily remain but the theater will sadly become condos.

Fargo, ND – The famous Fargo Theater in Downtown Fargo will soon be turned into unique upper-floor condos while the valuable ground level space will serve as much-needed parking for its residents.

The iconic Fargo sign and the large theater marquee, which have recently become the symbol for the City of Fargo, will remain as a historical reminder of its past glory.

“Because of Netflix, people just don’t go out to see a movie like in the old days,” says Dr. Sagendorf Toothacre who is heading up this somewhat controversial transitional downtown project.

Dr. Toochacre says many of the items from the old theater will be auctioned off or somehow recycled.

The organ pipes will be turned into different sized bird houses, while the beautiful stage curtains will be made into couch pillows and sold at auction to raise money for Global Warming.

Ironically, all of the letters in Sagendorf Toothacre can be converted into: Fargo Theater Condos!