Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Fargo Couple Plans Outdoor Wedding During Blizzard

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Blizzard Warning may be problematic for Fargo couple’s outdoor wedding.

Fargo, ND – Back on a beautiful day in September, during the initial planning phase of their rather large wedding ceremony, it seemed like such a great idea to have an outdoor wedding on the Thursday right after Christmas.

Even though some weather forecasters are now predicting two feet of snow along with gusts of 50 mph, Alvin Maja and Natali Karthika are still planning on going ahead with their outdoor wedding.

Some in their wedding party (and also many invited guests) are suggesting to the couple that they have a Plan B (which, in this case, could stand for Blizzard).

“Unfortunately, our Plan B is the same as our Plan A, so we are just hoping the weather clears up and is nice for us, to have our wedding outside, and that the musicians can play their instruments OK,” says the wedding couple, with their fingers crossed.

Vacationing President Trump Blames Democrats For Hurting His Golf Game

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All the investigations seem to be affecting President Trump’s golf game.

Palm Beach, FL – While vacationing at his humble Mar-a-Lago retreat, President Trump has taken time from his executive duties to play some executive golf.

Unfortunately, his golf game seems to be suffering from all the probing investigations into his political and personal lives.

President Trump is quick to place the blame on the Democrats like Nancy Pelosi for his worsening problems on the golf course.

After a sharp snap-hook splashed into a water hazard, President Trump snipped: “Those damn Dems!”

Hopefully his golf game will somehow quickly improve before attending the upcoming golf tournament in Russia for all of the world leaders, which is being called: Puttin’ With Putin.

New Home Radar System Detects And Then Detains Package Stealers

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Detect & Detain with the Hatchett Protection System!

Fargo, ND – A new home property protection system developed by a Fargo inventor will safely protect your delivered packages on your front door step until you get home.

Dr. Nacci Hatchett’s system includes radar detection for your entire property along with the ability to completely detain the culprits with a variety of non-lethal weapons.

Once your Hatchett Protection System determines that a prowler (and not your spouse) is stealing an outdoor package, you can choose to have the intruder strongly bound by a system of bolas, tazed, netted, caged, or all of these (in the exact same order).

Dr. Hatchett’s system then automatically calls the police who will respond with an aggressively hungry K-9 unit.

Since North Dakota leads the nation in stolen packages, this new Hatchett Protection System is sure to sell like hotcakes with warm maple syrup.

Ironically, all the letters in Nacci Hatchett can be re-arranged to spell: Catch In The Act!

New Test For Dementia Is Highly Conclusive

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If you see any movement in this image, you probably have some stage of dementia.

Crazy Horse, SD – There is now a new and very simple test for determining pre-dementia as well as full-blown dementia.

This test which was scientifically developed by the Dementia Interrogative Program (DIP) is highly conclusive for indicating if someone such as yourself may be leaning toward dementia.

How it works: When looking directly at this black and white image, if you are seeing any movement within the inner circle, this indicates pre-dementia.

If you see movement throughout the entire image, you most likely are already suffering from full-blown (and previously undiagnosed) dementia.

After taking this simple test, if you would like to privately discuss the results of your test with a trained professional, please call any phone number and ask to speak directly with Dr. Willy Nilly (and mention promo code “FMO” for a free My Pillow!).

Here Is The Winner Of Our Annual Picture Of The Year Contest

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FMO’s winning picture of the year! Semi Truckin’ by Tadd Wray of Sabin MN

West Fargo, ND – Amid mucho buzz and speculation, the winner of the FM Observer’s prestigious Picture Of The Year award was unveiled in the fabulous banquet room at our corporate headquarters.

Mr. Tadd Wray of rural Sabin, MN took home the top honors with his picture entitled Semi Truckin’.

Out of the thousands of pictures submitted to our Picture Of The Year department, this one really seemed to speak to the judges.

Tadd Wray: “I am truly humbled by this glorious win. Is there some sort of prize money that I get for winning?”

If you submitted a picture which did not win, and would like it back, please send us $50 for shipping and handling, along with your mailing information and perhaps a short paragraph about yourself.

Secret Santa Drops In Early At Many Local Businesses

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Don’t be surprised if Secret Santa drops in at your place of work before Christmas!

Fargo, ND – Secret Santa has recently been making the rounds at many local Fargo businesses.

For any employees who choose to participate in their Secret Santa program, it’s a chance to find out what are some of the hot items for Christmas this year.

Your FM Observer has conveniently compiled a list for you of this year’s top items that people are receiving from Secret Santa:

◘ Anything Trump
◘ Butterscotch Pudding
◘ A small box of Heath Bars
◘ Small plastic Elephants
◘ A can of Mackerel
◘ Any signed book by Deepak Chopra
◘ A box of dried Kasoori Methi leaves
◘ Barbie Bubblegum-flavored mouthwash
◘ A box of traditional Cracker Jack (includes prize!)
◘ A box of marsh-mellow Moon Pies
◘ A small bottle of Johnny’s French Dip Au Jus
◘ A Jesus candle (from the Mexican section at Cashwise)
◘ Flavored Pocky Biscuit Sticks (by Glico)
◘ A box of Prawn Crackers

Nothing Says ‘I Like You’ Like Butterscotch Pudding

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Butterscotch pudding is a hug-in-a-box.

Pudding Creek, CA – Are you trying to figure out what to serve during the holidays?

Do you want your family and guests to feel like they’re one of Santa’s elves?

Serving butterscotch pudding has been scientifically proven to say “friend“ and “Christmas“ more than any other substance South of the North Pole.

Plus, Santa and his elves eat butterscotch pudding every day, thanks to Mrs. Santa!

Under the tree, butterscotch pudding makes the perfect stocking stuffer, OR someone’s final, big present of the eve.

On the Christmas dinner table, it’s the ultimate dessert, OR have butterscotch pudding for your main entrée, just like Santa!

Professional Bowler Stuns Crowd During Regional Championship Tournament

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Pro bowler accidentally chucks ball up into ceiling but still manages to win the tournament!

Fargo, ND – While professional bowler Norm Duke Jr. was competing in the Midwest Regional bowling tournament at The Bowler in Fargo, an unfortunate mishap ruined what looked to be a near-perfect game.

Perhaps because of unchecked tournament nerves, or maybe it was because his controlling mother–in–law was in the crowd watching, Norm Duke Jr. somehow chucked the ball up into the ceiling at the start of the tenth frame of his final game.

The good news is that the ball did eventually return to him so that he could go on to pick up all ten pins up for a spare and win the tournament!

The bad news is that Norm Duke Jr. had to give his entire tournament winnings to The Bowler to repair all of the damage done by his wayward sixteen pound ball.

Norm Duke Jr. on his amazing win: “If the word ‘quit’ is in your vocabulary, then the words ‘finish’ and ‘strong’ are likely not. I’m just so very glad I was able to finish strong today.”

Norm Duke Sr. on his son’s amazing win: “When things sometime seem bleak, they can always get more bleaker, or less bleaker, which was the case today, thank God!”

Use Decorative Duct Tape To Help Your Partner Stop Snoring During The Holidays

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To stop snoring, duct tape works every time it’s tried.

Duck, NC – Are you looking for a smart solution to your partner’s snoring problem?

Have all your other feeble attempts to get a good night sleep failed?

Our very own Dr. Willy Nilly suggests using something that you probably already have in your home: Duct Tape!

Studies have shown that duct tape works 100% of the time for stopping snoring sleepers.

Directions: Simply cut a one foot section of heavy-duty duct tape and then carefully apply across the mouth area of your sleeping spousemate. During the holiday season, consider using decorative duct tape for a more festive mood.

Sponge Pudding Shortage Threatens Some Local Family Traditions

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Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding is a Christmas tradition for many Fargo families.

Fargo, ND – If you’re having a hard time trying to find some Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding for Christmas, you are not alone.

Many families in the Fargo area share the same holiday tradition of eating Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding on Christmas Eve.

Anastasia Fritzi’s family has had the Heinz Spotted Dick Sponge Pudding for five generations, going all the way back to their motherland of Prussia.

“What the hell are we going to do if we can’t find any Spotted Dick before Christmas?” she asks, as her family looks like they’re about to cry and freak out simultaneously.

We have learned that a special Sponge Pudding Support Group is forming to help families just like the freaking Fritzis.

In the meantime, Sponge Pudding grief counselors are encouraging their clients to possibly start to consider a new Christmas tradition, such as: making eggnog milkshakes, have a talent show, go pajama caroling, adopt-a-pet, hiding of presents, volunteering at a soup kitchen, snow fort building, or just an old-fashioned family food fight!