Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Teams Of Foreign Specialists Coming To Fargo To Study The Mating Habits Of Fargo Natives

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Mating habits of Fargo folks to be closely examined by Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs and his team of sexperts.

Fargo, ND – Fully equipped with lab coats and clipboards, multiple teams of mating habit specialists from various foreign countries will soon be descending upon Fargo for a long-term scientific study.

Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs will head up the research group comprised of experts from a dozen countries that are particularly interested in the mating habits of Fargo natives.

The scientific study team selected Fargo, North Dakota as the focus of their study based on numerous factors, including 1. general remoteness, 2. extreme weather, 3. excessive alcohol consumption, 4. regional birth rates, and 5. cultural diversity.

Dr. Notti-Figgs explains that their mating habit research study of people native to Fargo will be divided into three (3) main groupings:

◘ Volunteer Video Ventures (V.V.V.)
◘ Secret Stealth Studies (S.S.S.)
◘ Mating Methods Matter (M.M.M.)

If you would like to volunteer for the V.V.V. study, please contact Dr. Abraham Notti-Figgs and his team.

If you would like to not be included in the S.S.S., please maximize the privacy settings on your smartphone, smart TV, and any other smart devices in your home and office.

Interestingly, all the letters in Abraham Notti-Figgs can be re-arranged to spell: Fargo Mating Habits!

How To Find Your Groove Pattern (Before It’s Too Late)

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Dr. Moose Gravert can help you find your Groove Pattern in the comfort of your own home.

Groove Park, USA – Have you been thinking you need to find your Groove Pattern?

Many just like you have been yearningly searching for their Groove Pattern before that window completely shuts in their life.

Luckily, your FM Observer has invited Dr. Moose Gravert to conduct some Groove Pattern workshops right here in River City.

Dr. Moose Gravert speaks:

“If you don’t like where you’re at, move to another Groove Pattern. Once we get into the right Groove Pattern, we’re like athletes in the zone.

You can always tell when a Groove Pattern is not working. Finding your Groove Pattern makes life flow better. When you get the right Groove Pattern going, time just flies. When you’re in a Groove Pattern, there is no thinking. Everything just happens.

There’s a feeling behind a Groove Pattern. A good Groove Pattern releases adrenaline in your body like the feeling when you’ve won a prize. You feel that energy. You feel uplifted, centered, calm, and powerful. That’s what good Groove Patterns are all about.

When you’re in a good Groove Pattern, you’re not spinning your wheels. You’re moving forward in a straight and narrow path, unwavering in your purpose. A Groove Pattern is the best place in the world. Because when you are in it, you have the freedom to explore your world.”

Groovily, all of the letters in Moose Gravert can be re-arranged to spell: Groove Master!

Dickinson Team Name Changing From The Midgets To Just “The Dicks”

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For political correctness, the Dickinson Midgets may now be called The Dicks.

Dickinson, ND – The small town of Dickinson, North Dakota was once simply known for being the home town of the famous actress Angie Dickinson.

But now, the Dickinson School Board is in the cross-hairs of a new and extremely flagrant political correctness violation.

The Dickinson mascot and team name of The Midgets has been deemed to be objectionable, abusive, and unacceptable.

School Board president Dr. Sigmond Dickstein, who has suggested changing their name to simply “The Dicks”, asked to hear from some actual midgets to get their input on this matter.

Marty Smaltz of Midgets Of Our Nation (MOON): My organization believes the current Dickinson mascot is not only repugnant and displeasing, but also provocative, humiliating, and derogatory. If you don’t change it, I will change it for you!

Ms. Tina Little who represented L.O.W. (Little Organized Workers): Not only is your team name The Midgets insulting, to me it is very repulsive, disrespectful, reprehensible, offensive, and hurtful.

Gordy Shorts from the Midgets Of America Network (MOAN): Besides being indecent and demeaning because of its ties to historical circus freak shows, I consider your team name to be rude, distasteful, vulgar, crude, and quite frankly…embarrassing.

After a short break, Dr. Sigmond Dickstein (whose name can be re-arranged to spell Dickinson Midgets) said that the Dickinson School Board will need a little time to decide their final decision on this matter which is of no small importance to the tiny town of Dickinson, which is dwarfed by neighboring Bismarck.

Stevie Wonder Comes To Fargo To Do Some Snowmobiling

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Stevie Wonder on a snowmobile in Fargo!

Fargo, ND – You may have recently heard a rumor that Stevie Wonder was coming to Fargo to go snowmobiling.

Well, Mama, that ain’t no rumor!

After Sir Elton John publicly offered Stevie Wonder the use of one of his snowmobiles, Stevie decided to take Elton up on his offer and finally get that item checked off his Bucket List!

Stevie Wonder: “I have always wanted to go snowmobiling in Fargo, North Dakota and breathe the wild winter air while driving a snowmobile, all by myself.”

Some reasons why Fargo was chosen for Stevie Wonder’s snowmobile outing were its flatness of earth and its dearth of trees, both of which are salient for Stevie’s snowmobiling safety.

Car Full Of Dogs Pulled Over For Excessive Number Of Lane Changes

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Friendly car full of dogs given a warning for excessive number of lane changes.

Fargo, ND – What started out as a fairly routine traffic stop ended up anything but.

Officer Glasford Fulco pulled over a tan-colored Dog Caravan after noticing a number of seemingly unnecessary lane changes.

Upon approaching the vehicle, Officer Fulco was rather surprised to be greeted and licked by a car full of dogs.

Seeing no human driver, Glasford asked for a driver’s license of whichever dog had been driving.

Seeming to want to fully cooperate but unable to because of the extreme language barrier, Officer Fulco cited the entire car for excessive lane changes and simply a warning to the elder dog for not having proper paperwork.

Doggedly, all of the letters in Glasford Fulco can be re-arranged to spell: Car Full Of Dogs!

People’s Militia Group Votes On Proper Punishment For Downtown Fargo Jaywalkers

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Unanimous vote for the death penalty to any jaywalkers in Downtown Fargo.

Fargo, ND – The People’s Militia Group which oversees the Fargo area, unanimously voted at their latest meeting for all Downtown Fargo jaywalkers to receive the death penalty.

The head of the People’s Militia Group is Janik Longway who firmly said: “Since jaywalking is a heinously problematic crime in the Downtown Fargo area, we solemnly recommend the death penalty for any and all jaywalkers.”

“Also, we strongly believe that anyone caught with a parked car on the streets of Fargo after four or more inches of snow has fallen should also receive the death penalty after their car has been quickly compacted into a small, stackable, one foot cube for easy removal.”

If you have a differing opinion on these matters, you’re invited to speak out against them at the next meeting of the People’s Militia Group.

Punishingly, all of the letters in Janik Longway can be re-arranged into: No Jaywalking!

The White House’s Twelve Days Of Impeachment Calendar Is The Latest Trending Christmas Gift

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Gradually open twelve White House windows to mark the twelve days of impeachment.

Washington, DC – First lady Melania is offering a superbly wonderful gift idea for the holidays.

Melania’s Twelve Days Of Impeachment Calendar is an impeccably designed likeness of the White House with twelve adorable little windows that can be opened one per day.

Share the magic of the impeachment process with your family as more and more windows light up.

Since the First Lady fluently speaks six languages, the twelve impeachment windows when opened each announce a different special message in all six of Melania’s spoken languages: English, French, German, Italian, Slovenian, and Serbo-Croatian.

If you’re looking to give the latest hotly trending gift for Christmas, consider Melania’s Twelve Days Of Impeachment Calendar.

Melania in her own words:
French: Ce calendrier de destitution est précieusement divin.
German: Dieser Amtsenthebungskalender ist von unschätzbarem Wert.
Italian: Questo calendario dell’impeachment è preziosamente divino.
Slovenian: Ta koledar obstoja je dragoceno božanski.
Serbo-Croatian: Ovaj kalendar imepmenta je dragocjen božanski.
English: This impeachment calendar is preciously divine.

Apple’s Smart Christmas iTree Is The Best New Thing For The Holidays Since Eggnog

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Apple’s new iTree will change Christmas forever.

Apple Valley, CA – It was just a matter of time until Apple introduced their new Christmas iTree.

Now, for your Christmas enjoyment, you can have a smart Christmas tree which, of course, comes with a Siri.

This new hyper-functional iTree will change Christmas as much as eggnog did when it was first poured.

Tell Siri to change the look of your iTree randomly or at set times.

You can ask your new Christmas iTree how many presents are under the tree, provide the current total number of gifts for each person, what’s in each present, how much a present cost and where it was purchased, what is the meaning of Christmas, how many years ago was Jesus born, and what is the current value of Apple stock.

The new Apple iTree will also change the look of its lights, its size and shape, and even rotate to enhance your Christmas pleasure all while playing any Christmas music that you want.

Gather the whole family on the couch and have your new iTree take a picture or video of your Christmas happenings, and then ask Siri to contact relatives to FaceTime with others using their iTree!

There is really no limit to what your new Apple smart Christmas iTree can do except it cannot purchase itself…you will have to do that.

Other States Envious Of South Dakota’s Clever New Meth Slogan

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In South Dakota, there are lots of great places and great spaces…to make meth.

Methadone, SD – The rest of the country was immediately jealous after South Dakota recently unveiled its incredible new state slogan: Meth–We’re On It!

This extraordinarily catchy phrase was the result of extremely long brainstorming binges followed by much tweaking and re-tweaking until South Dakota finally got it right.

If you’re curious, here are some of the other great slogans that South Dakota came up with, which unfortunately did not make the final cut:

All roads in South Dakota lead to meth.
Prometheus loves South Dakota!
South Dakota doesn’t meth around.
L E T   M E   T H I N K
Our favorite stone is Amethyst.
Don’t say yeth to meth.
Methamatics is all about numbers.
South Dakota is tweaking its methodology.
Come visit South Meth-kota!
There’s a method to our madness.
Avoid death. Avoid meth. Avoid South Dakota.
South Dakota’s in a hell of a meth.
Today methinks. Yesterday methought.
Methodists worship South Dakota.
There’s something about South Dakota.
Join us for lunch in our meth hall.
Our new name is Meth Dakota.
Why does meth rhyme with death?
We teach meth in our skools.
Don’t meth up your life like we did.
We’re cracking our meth problem.
Help us save Planet Meth.
Mind over meth matters.
We won’t sleep till we solve our meth problem.
Meth can make your mind go South.
Say yeth to not doing any more meth.
Do you mind if we meth around?
South Dakota: Great meth. Grave death.

ND DOT Has Plans To Reduce Driver License Wait Times From 4 Hours Down To Only 3 Hours!

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At the ND DOT, the depart-mental morale is high (with an emphasis on the “mental” portion).

Fargone, ND – The North Dakota Department of Transportation has been working overtime to come up with some plans to decrease wait times to get driver’s licenses and that newly mandated REAL ID.

As wait times have recently elongated to over four hours, the ND DOT wants and needs to improve customer satisfaction by improving their services.

Some changes coming on the horizon include:

• Adding one additional service window at each and every location across the state.

• Provide stronger coffee for DOT workers.

• Make the driving test a lot easier to pass by showing all the correct answers.

Just imagine only having to wait 3 hours instead of 4!

• Add new temporary satellite offices at some popular local bars so people can have a beer while waiting.

• Call the “next served” numbers in random order instead of consecutive order to give everyone an equal chance.

• Create an alternative to the mandated REAL ID…called FAKE ID.

• Hire professional musicians, monkeys, mimes, magicians, and clowns to entertain folks while they wait for service.