Category Archives: Editorial

Bernie Sanders Waves Good-Bye To Humanity As He Leaves To Become The First President Of Mars

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Mars will be in good hands with Bernie Sanders as the president of Mars!

Mars, Milky Way – Shortly after suspending his 2020 presidential campaign, Bernie Sanders waved to everyone on Earth as he boarded his plane for Mars.

“This is a bittersweet moment. Bitter because Joe Biden looks to be the Democrat nominee for president. Sweet because I look forward to being the first president of Mars,” said Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders as he climbed aboard his plane which was being prepared for the long flight to Mars.

Pundits opined that Mars might be a good testing ground for some of the Bernie Sanders plans and programs that the seemingly radical Senator wanted to implement here on Earth.

In his final good-bye to his supporters, Bernie said: “I bid you all farewell, and if you want Medicare For All, please come visit us on Mars, where healthcare shall be a human right, along with free college, and free everything, for that matter.”

Fargo Man Who Dreams He Was On A Cruise Ship Wakes Up With Corona Virus

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If you find yourself dreaming that you’re on a cruise ship, get tested for the Corona Virus before waking up.

Fargo, ND – While sleeping soundly in his Fargo home, a man who had a dream of being on a cruise ship woke up testing positive for the Corona Virus.

After deciding to self-quarantine in his bedroom, the man fell back asleep only to find himself back on the same cruise ship where he could at least be quarantined somewhere else besides his Fargo bedroom.

Once the dream cruise ship ran out of food, hunger caused the man to wake up again back in his Fargo bedroom only to discover that he did not actually have the Corona Virus and that the whole thing had been part of a larger dream.

To celebrate the fact that he was now truly testing negative for the Corona Virus, the man booked a cruise on a real cruise ship where he subsequently did actually catch the Corona Virus and as you might expect is now quarantined on that particular cruise ship.

Interestingly, while actually being quarantined now on a real cruise ship, the Fargo man in question had a dream that he was waking up back in his Fargo bedroom and testing negative for the Corona Virus.

Moorhead Man Willing To Part With N95 Filtration Masks For $100 Each

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One for $100 or a box of ten for only $999

Moorhead, MN – A Moorhead man who has stockpiled literally thousands of the much-demanded N95 facial masks is now selling them for $100 each.

Mark Rhoades says that as a favor to the community, he is graciously willing to part with his N95 masks for only $100 each or if you want to save a dollar, a box of ten masks is only $999.

When we asked Mr. Rhoades why he was doing this, he responded thusly:

“Because I’m a smart guy, I loaded up on these 3M masks for me and my family, and now that it seems I have way more than we could ever use, the community benefits from my proactive fore-thinking.”

Sadly, all of the letters in Mark Rhoades can be re-filtered into: Mask Hoarder!

Survey Asks: Do We Really Need Domesticated Cats?

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One thing that everyone agrees on: Domesticated cats are now obsolete!

Catalina, Arizona – We recently surveyed less than a million people asking about cats as pets.

The overall consensus from our expensive and extensive survey was that domesticated cats have now become obsolete.

Case in point: Let’s take the average domesticated cat for example.

Your typical house cat has become bored, lazy, and fat.

Today’s modern couch cat goes from catatonic cat naps to over-using recreational catnip with an occasional caterwaul for more of the same.

Domesticated cats are an embarrassment to their species and are nearly unrecognizable from their ancestral progenitors.

The solution to this catastrophe is to release today’s home-bound cats out into the wild to give them a purpose again: Mouse and Vole Patrol!

In summary: Do we really still need to have domesticated cats? The answer is a categorical: NO!

Leap Day Was Begun As An Extra Day To Do Something New Or Different

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Leap Day is an extra day to try something new or do something differently.

Leapwood, TN – Leap Day was started by a man named John Leap from Tennessee.

Mister Leap believed that every four years people needed one extra day to do something different.

Whether it be rearranging your furniture, re-organizing and cleaning your garage, playing an instrument, writing and sending a postcard, or using a recipe to cook something new, Dr. Leap wanted folks to have one extra day every four years to break out of their mid-winter routines.

On this rare Leap Day, see if you can break out of your wintertime rut by doing some things differently or throwing in some new activities to spice up your life.

Think of Leap Day as a day to do it different. Leap for Life!

Learn How To Learn How To Properly Vape By Attending Beginner Vaping Classes

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Learn how to vape the right way.

West Fargo, ND – Now that vaping is considered one of the healthiest things you can do, classes are being offered on how to vape in order to achieve all the benefits that vaping offers.

Dr. Grav Polisoto will be teaching new vapers not only how to properly vape but also what personal improvements you can expect to immediately see by moving into a vaping life style.

Some of the general benefits are: 1. vaping is easy and convenient 2. vaping can save you money, time, and hassle 3. it totally helps you relax 4. makes you smell good 5. can boost your social image 6. gives you something to tweet about.

7. Vaping is a healthy way to consume your consumables smoke-free 8. you’ll notice improvements in your oral hygiene, skin health, blood circulation, lung capacity and an improved sense of smell and taste.

9. You can have temperature control of your vapables while being able to choose between portable and large desktop vaporizers.

10. Vaporizers are durable and will most likely be around a lot longer than you, but vaping is something you can do until the day you die.

Sign up for Beginning Vaping Classes at any fitness center or wherever healthy products are sold.

Dr. Grav Polisoto (whose letters in his name re-arrange into Vaporologist) want all vapers to Be Proud Of Your Cloud!

The New Measure Of Health Is Pounds Per Vertical Foot

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Calculate your pounds per vertical foot and then share that information with your friends and family.

Footville, Wisconsin – Experts have come up with a new and easy way to determine one’s general overall health.

Pounds per vertical foot is the new way to measure and judge how near or far a person is from the ideal bodily proportions.

To calculate it, simply take your total weight in pounds and divide that by how many feet tall you are.

For example, for a person weighing 200 pounds and standing 5 feet 10 inches tall, you would divide 200 by 5.83 = 34.3 pounds per vertical foot.

It turns out that 34.3 is just about ideal when it comes to pounds per vertical foot.

Ironically, as I write this, that happens to be exactly my pounds per vertical foot, which makes me feel like I am on track toward being on board the train of healthy living.

What is your pounds per vertical foot? Ask others what theirs is. Share yours with others in the break room. Post yours proudly in your cubicle at work. Help others calculate theirs after gathering their height and weight. It is fun and easy, and the new healthy thing to do!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Asked To Help Fight The Corona Virus

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Super heros to fight super virus!

Super heroes to fight super virus!

Atlanta, GA – The Trump Administration is wisely asking the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for assistance in fighting the Corona Virus War.

President Trump is personally calling upon the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Team to lead our country’s fight against the latest spreading viral threat.

“As this Corona Virus is really starting to go viral, it totally makes sense to have the team of Leo, Mikey, Raph, and Donnie be on the front lines to battle this sick Corona Virus because these Super Turtles have a natural immunity to the Corona Virus,” tweets the president.

The FM Observer has also learned that one possible option on the table is for those who have contracted the Corona Virus to be placed in comfortable Governmental Sick Camps where they can be cared for by the Turtle Team, while being completely quarantined safely away from the rest of society.

West Fargo Couple Dies In Car While Waiting For Traffic Light To Turn Green

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When the red light finally turned green, both the driver and passenger were no more.

West Fargo, ND – In a stunningly slow turn of events, an older West Fargo couple died while waiting for a red light to turn green.

Leth and Helt Ringgold had pulled up to a red traffic light which recently had been having some functionality “issues”.

Unfortunately for the Ringgolds, the red light took an extraordinarily long time to change to green.

By the time they finally got the signal to proceed through the intersection, both Leth and Helt Ringgold had passed on, gone bye-bye, kicked the bucket, gone upstairs, breathed their last, met their maker, checked out, bit the dust.

The West Fargo Street Department has apologized for this sad mishap and promised to check each and every traffic light to make sure something like this does not happen again.

Interestingly, both Leth Ringgold and Helt Ringgold can be re-arranged into: Long Red Light!

Executive Directors Named For Fargo’s New Combo Church/Hospital

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At the new Amen Church Hospital is where religion and healthcare meet.

Fargo, ND – The new Amen Church Hospital has named Peter and Paul Christianson as executive directors as the project moves forward toward final fruition.

The Amen Church Hospital will be the first of its kind in the nation: A fully functioning hospital which also has all the normal underpinnings of a full-blown church.

The new co-executive directors are two brothers, each of whom are both pastors and physicians, as were each of their parents.

Peter and Paul Christianson explain it like this: “What could be better than having full communion with your entire congregation while you are literally being prepared for a colonoscopy during the Lord’s Prayer?”

If you would like to attend the Amen Church Hospital, please show up for either the church worship service or get admitted to the hospital, which are basically one in the same.