Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Police Dog Licks Man To Death

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My Friend Slicka

Lickota, ND – A man was reportedly licked to death while attending a police Meet and Greet social event.

The man, whose name is not being released until his family is notified, was identified as Mucciolo Knight from Lickinson, North Dakota.

The dog, a German shepherd that was raised in the Norwegian town of Lickehammer, was named Slicka, which also happens to be the Norwegian command “to lick”.

An eye witness at the event said Mr. Knight, who was greeted by Slicka near the punch bowl, kept on saying the dog’s name repeatedly while the highly trained police dog was simply responding to its “lick” command.

Ironically, all of the letters in Mucciolo Knight can be re-arranged to spell: Too Much Licking!

Loud Michael Bolton Music To Be Used At Southern Border To Dissuade Illegal Entries

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Large banks of speakers blasting Michael Bolton songs to be used to minimize illegal immigration.

Rio Grande, TX – Border patrol enforcement officers will soon be using an effective new weapon in their fight against illegal immigration across the southern border of the United States.

Very loud Michael Bolton songs have proven quite successful in preventing lab animals from climbing over fences and walls.

U.S. Border Agents believe this new strategery will work well in preventing thousands of undocumented Democrats from entering our country illegally.

The following list of Michael Bolton songs will be played loudly from large banks of speakers all along the southern border since they have shown to be especially effective at driving people away:

◘ When A Man Loves A Woman
◘ If You Don’t Know Me By Now
◘ How Am I Supposed To Live Without You
◘ Said I Loved You But I Lied
◘ How Can We Be Lovers
◘ Can I Touch You There?
◘ Sexual Healing
◘ I’ll Never Love This Way Again
◘ Ain’t Got Nothing If You Ain’t Got Love
◘ I’m Your Puppet

Today Is The Last Day Of The Beginning Of Your Life

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Photo by Scott Miles, Photo Ambassador, Four Seasons Resort Maui

Here is your Inspirational Message for today from FM Observer’s very own online-ordained Pastor Peter Paul:

Dear Friends: Today, as the sun sets on the horizon, this chapter of your life will be over. Everything up until this point has hopefully prepared you for what lies around the corner.

Tomorrow will begin a new chapter of your life. But first, you might want to look back at: where you’ve been, where you’re at now, what you stand for, who’s standing next to you, and where are all of your belongings?

At this point, if you have not yet reached your full potential, time is starting to run out for you to find your niche in this world. As a famous thespian once said: “You better get your act together before the curtains fall!”

Just remember: You are the author of your autobiography. How do you want your next chapter to start? How do you want the whole thing to end? Who do you want in your bibliography? Where did you put your keys?

Final closing thought: One of your recent fortune cookies is true; you just need to figure out which one.

Peter Pan Claims He Was Abused By Michael Jackson, Until Tinker Bell Found Out!

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Michael Jackson is looking more and more guilty until disproven innocent.

Neverland, CA – The real Peter Pan is now alleging that the late Michael Jackson sexually abused him in Neverland.

[FMO wonders: Was this the reason why Michael Jackson wrote “I’m Bad, I’m Bad, I’m really, really Bad!?”]

Michael Jackson is posthumously arguing that it never, never happened and all he wanted to do was just sleep with the forever-young Peter Pan.

Peter Pan’s attorneys are saying that Mr. Pan is willing to take a lie-detector test to prove that the truth is on their side (plus, it’s all on videotape).

Luckily for Peter Pan, Tinker Bell was there at the time, to protect him from Michael’s alleged lewd advances.

Once Tinker Bell caught wind of what was going on, she used her formidable Pixie Dust powers to thwart Michael’s possible pedophiliac activities post haste.

Cathy’s Cat Cafe Opens In Fargo; Reviews Give It Five Meows

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Fargo’s cat cafe caters just to cats!

Fargo, ND – The new and hip trend of having restaurants specifically for our feline friends has finally come to Fargo!

Cathy’s Cat Cafe will cater to cats by offering a full catalog of favorite cat foods and fun.

Every category of toys, teasers, challenges, and scratch posts will surround your cat’s culinary experience at Cathy’s Cat Cafe.

Food specials such as catfish deglazed with catsup wine sauce will make your cat as happy as a catholic in a catacomb cathedral.

Recreational catnip will be available throughout your cat’s visit, since it is now legal in the state of North Dakota!

Charles Barkley Helps FMO Readers With March Madness

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Unlike college, you have to do your own homework for March Madness!

Basketball, USA – Your FM Observer has asked our friend Sir Charles Barkley to help our loyal readers with their March Madness bracketology.

FMO: Sir Charles, how can you tell the difference between a winning team and a losing team?
CB: ​Well, the main difference between a winner and a loser is if they win or not.

FMO: How does this year’s tournament compare with previous ones?
CB: I think this is the hardest tournament to predict because we don’t know any of the results yet.

FMO: Why is it so difficult to pick all the winners correctly?
CB: Because the number of different combinations of winning teams is way up in the thousands.

FMO: What is the main “IF” in a basketball game?
CB: Some say “IF” is the injury factor, but I say if ifs were gifts, every day would be Christmas.

FMO: Do you have a message for the NDSU Bison fans?
CB: The best way for your Bison to do well is to use the power of the herd, by stampeding the competition down into the ground, and never look back.

Proceeds From Famous Painting By Amsterdam Douglass To Help Fund Fargo’s Flood Fight

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Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán by Amsterdam Douglass to be auctioned off to help save Fargo.

Fargo, ND – Fargo’s very own Amsterdam Douglass is donating his most famous recent painting for auction to help raise funds for Fargo’s focused fight for freedom from feared forecasted floods.

The painting, which is cleverly entitled Pórtráit óf Ivóry Mittán is valued at $1.8 million because: 1. It is by Amsterdam Douglass, and 2. It is the last known portrait painted of the famous Ivóry Mittán before getting violently struck and killed by a distracted driver who was texting “LOL” to a lame Michael Jackson joke.

Besides helping fill millions of sandbags, you can assist Fargo’s flood fight by donating money to the cause via purchasing a flood fight T-shirt which displays the acronym: F.L.O.O.D. = Fargo Loves Our Own Diversion.

FM Observers Celebrate Saint Patrick’s Day With A Surprise Trip To Ireland

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St. Patrick would ring a bell to begin Ireland’s famous Shamrock Beer Fest!

Cork City, Ireland – Because many FM Observers have such strong ties to Ireland, we decided to take a trip and celebrate St. Patrick’s day with the Irish.

While visiting with Corkonians here in Cork City, we’ve learned many things about Saint Patricius, which actually means “patron of the citizens”.

Besides being the patron saint of Ireland, Saint Patrick brought Christianity, shamrocks, and green beer to this famous island.

Patricius also rid the island of druids and snakes back in the Fifth Century, which both were a big problem until Patrick showed up.

Everyone in our FMO group that was lucky enough to travel here really enjoyed hiking up to the top of Mount Patrick to see where the famous patron saint used to go camping and drink green beer during occasional 40-day fasts.

After we return back to Fargo, we’all plan on helping out with the sand bagging efforts to save the city, since we’re hearing that the Red River Diversion Project is not quite completely finished yet.

Democrats Considering Lowering Voting Age To Ten While Offering Them Free Candy

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Top Dems luring children with candy.

Washington, DC – Nervous Democrats needing a win in the next presidential election are pushing to lower the voting age to ten while offering children free candy and recreational marijuana.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi believes it’s really important to capture kids when they’re in grade skool, before they know much about politix, and when they can still be easily swayed for whom to vote.

Senator Chuck Schumer concurs that rather than lowering the voting age to sixteen, lowering it to ten, along with offering free college, free candy, free pot, and free Doritos to anyone who doesn’t vote for the Republicans would be a boon to the Democrat voting base.

Both Pelosi and Schumer agree that their For The Children Act (H.R.1) is “really important” because we need to drastically change election laws before the next presidential election in order to prevent four more years of never-ending Trump investigations.

Because Of Global Change, Geese Don’t Know Which Direction To Migrate

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The goose population is arguing amongst themselves as to which direction to fly.

Goose Village, Nebraska – Wildlife biologists are noticing confusion amongst the migrating goose population.

Professional bird watchers are observing that migrating geese seem “very confused” as to which direction to fly for their annual migration to Spring break.

Biologist Sue Coons-Fodge says: “We believe that the combination of Global Warming and Global Cooling is creating a major bombogenesis which is causing some serious disorientation for these poor little geese.”

Sue goes on: “Hopefully they’ll get it all figured out in time to travel North, where they can party, and have sex, in order to hatch more future confusion.”

Predictably, all the letters in Sue Coons-Fodge can migrate into: Confused Goose!