Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Fargo Family Denied Permission To Adopt Hammerhead Shark

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Fargo family believes this hammerhead is their Uncle Martin, who recently drowned in the Pacific.

Fargo, ND – In an unusual story, a Fargo family who was planning on adopting a live hammerhead shark has been denied permission to do so.

Because they strongly believe that this particular full-size hammerhead shark is the reincarnation of their recently deceased Uncle Martin, they had already turned their basement into a large saltwater holding tank.

City Commissioners unanimously voted down the idea after the matter came up at their last meeting, with this comment:

“The City of Fargo is utterly dumbfounded by this request, and since we’re not in the business of crazy, we hereby deny this request for this family to adopt Uncle Hammerhead.”

What are your thoughts on this matter?

Fargo Man Won’t Confirm Nor Deny That He’s Running For President

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Will I or won’t I? Shall I or shan’t I? These are the tough questions facing Fargo’s Rinfret Pounders.

Fargo, ND – At this time, Fargo native Rinfret Pounders will neither confirm or deny that he is planning on running for president of the United States in the next presidential election.

Speculation surrounding the 35-year-old Fargo native continues to swirl while a decision to run or not by Rinfret Pounders is still completely up in the air.

Mr. Pounders’ best friend and chief campaign strategist is Pruner Steindorf, who recently leaked:

“At this juncture, Mr. Rinfret Pounders may or may not be running for president. We are leaving all options on the table, if you will.”

Curiously, all of the letters in Rinfret Pounders and Pruner Steindorf can somehow be re-arranged to spell: Run For President!

Man Who Had Just Figured Out Solution To Climate Change Problem Hit By Bus

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Man with a plan no longer can remember it after getting hit by a bus.

Fargo, ND – Mr. Lonnie Clayhanger had just had the ultimate solution to the Global Climate Change problem suddenly dawn on him.

While he was then attempting to carefully walk across the street to jot it down at a Subway sandwich shop, Mr. Clayhanger was sadly hit by a driverless city bus.

Unfortunately for our entire global community, the accident has left Lonnie with acute, Level III amnesia.

As expected, the driver of the driverless bus has officially been cited for distracted driving by use of a smartphone.

Moral: Don’t cross the street to jot down your idea.

Try This FMO Family Tradition Whilst Enjoying Your Thanksgiving Day Togetherness

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After you tell someone how they can improve, they should just say: Thank You!

Fargo, ND – On this blessed day of Thanksgiving, the FM Observer family would like to share a very old tradition that has been passed down to us from our four-fathers and four-mothers, and from theirs before them.

Whilst gathered round the feast table enjoying all the same old recipes as last year, gradually go around and have each person tell someone else at the table one way that they can improve them self.

To which the only allowable answer is just: Thank You!

And then that person gets to do the same to another, and so on, and so forth. Round and round we go. Where it stops, nobody knows.

The FM Observer truly hopes you try this as a way of not only bringing your family closer together, but also as an overall way of improving society in general, during these trying times of survival on Planet Earth.

Things North Dakotans Have To Be Thankful For

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Thanks for Thanksgiving!

West Fargo, ND – After a comprehensive state-wide survey, your FM Observer has painstakingly compiled a list of things for which North Dakotans have to be thankful.

So, as you gather round your Thanksgiving dinner table and first go around the table to say what each one is thankful for, you can either memorize some of the following, or simply take out your smartphone and read this list straight off our website.

Things To Be Thankful For If You Live In North Dakota:

1. An upcoming Bison football championship
2. Sanford’s New Level I Trauma Center
3. Our state is a Tsunami-free zone
4. The fabulous Medora Musical
5. That Canada is our neighbor
6. Jamestown’s State Hospital
7. Happy Harry’s Bottle Shop
8. Too Tall Tom Szymanski
9. We’re not South Dakota
10. Horizontal Fracking
11. Global Warming
12. NFL Football
13. Legalize ND
14. The Ralph
15. Cara Mund

NFL Pickem Calculator Is Amazingly Accurate

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This new calculator can pick the winners of NFL football games with amazing accuracy.

Pick City, ND – If you’re in an NFL pickem league and want a leg up on your fellow pickem pickers, the new Ronco Pickem Calculator is for you!

Simply pick it up, turn it on, enter a few basic parameters about any upcoming game in question, and the Ronco Pickem Calculator will give you its best guess, which has been scientifically proven to be incredibly correct.

Dr. Dumpster Johnstone has been using the Ronco Pickem Calculator for his workplace pickem pool: “I love this fricking calculator because I’m in First Place all by my lonesome!”

Ms. Camille Clampton says: “I would truly be lost (and losing) if someone somehow took this amazing tool away from me, so please don’t even think about it!”

If you need some serious help in your football pickem pool, get yourself a new Ronco Pickem Calculator wherever Ronco products are sold.

Or better yet, just ask your Secret Santa to get one for you!

Hip Downtown Fargo Condos With Sheek New ‘Dilapidated’ Exterior Now For Sale

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You can’t judge a book by its cover.

Fargo, ND – If you’re looking for a cool, new flat in happening Downtown Fargo that’s super hip and trendy, the new high-end condos by Dilapidated Design are hopefully going to sell very quickly.

“Even though the outside has that sheek, new ‘dilapidated look’, the insides are anything but,” says Brigitte Margaux, who manages the expensive property.

Condo prices for the new Dilapidated Design units start at $3.8 million.

If you’re wondering about parking, no worries because Downtown Fargo has plenty of parking (POP). Just make sure you don’t park for more than 90 minutes in any one spot otherwise you’ll get ticketed at best and towed at worst.

To schedule a showing, simply call Brigitte Margaux at Dilapidated Design by dialing 666-6666, and use promotion code: Sheek!

UFO Sightings Over Ireland Shortly After Release Of New ‘Guinness Plus’ Beer

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Guinness Plus: All the flavor and twice the punch!

Dublin, Ireland – You may have recently heard about the multiple UFO sightings over and around Ireland.

You might not’ve known that all these UFOs were reported shortly after Guinness Beer released their newest bier: Guinness Plus!

Paul Guinness of the Guinness Corp. is proud to point out that their new bier has all the body and flavor of regular Guinness bier but packs a double–punch of enjoyment when it reaches your nervous system.

FMO: What was the impetus for creating your new Guinness Plus bier?

Paul: We wanted to be listed in the Guinness Book Of World Records as the strongest beer in both the flavor and alcohol content categories.

Guinness Plus does now come with a disclaimer on each bottle: Warning…May cause UFOs to appear!

How To Properly Entertain Guests In Your Home For Coffee Or Tea

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It’s important to know how to properly entertain when inviting guests into your home.

West Fargo, ND – Our staff member who’s considered to be the Fargo-Moorhead area’s Ms. Manners is our very own Ms. Morning Ipson!

Ms. Ipson has a few good tips for when you want to invite someone over to your place for some coffee or tea.

Morning says:

1. Meet the person at the door so you can personally throw their jacket on the floor.

2. If your dog is a barker, one twelve inch piece of duct tape around its mouth should mute the mutt.

3. Have some space cleared off on top of your kitchen table for you and your esteemed guest to sit amongst the towering stacks of magazines you’ve been planning on reading for years.

4. As you invite your honored guest to sit down, pull out an empty chair which you’ve wiped clean within the last month.

5. Offer your special guest either hot coffee or tea, accompanied by a fresh scone or crumpet, and then basically just serve them whatever the hell you have on hand.

6. Keep the conversation limited to small talk, unless your guest mentions anything about President Trump.

7. Have a cute decorative sign pointing to your bathroom which hopefully has been pre-flushed prior to your guest’s arrival.

8. After about an hour of delightful chit chat, tell your guest they now have to leave because you have another guest coming over in ten minutes (it’s not a lie if you believe it).

Interestingly, all of the letters in Morning Ipson can be spun around to spell: Spinning Room!

The Pot Now Legal In Four ND Counties

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4 ND counties pass Measure 3

With all the votes now in from the 2018 midterm elections, Measure 3 was successfully passed by a majority of voters in four North Dakota counties.

So now, it will be legal for North Dakotans over the age of 20 who live in Rolette, Benson, Sioux, and Cass counties to legally possess and grow the pot for recreational purposes.

The remainder of counties in North Dakota will be destined to live in the dark ages until such time as they see fit to join with the four heretofore previously mentioned counties, where it is now legal to recreationally possess and grow the pot.