Category Archives: Editorial

Fargo Lobster Bisque Company Goes Belly Up Due To Lack Of Local Lobsters

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It would’ve been real nice to have a Lobster Bisque company here in Fargo but apparently they forgot the Feasibility Study.

Fargo, ND – Even before it officially opened its doors for business, the Fargo Lobster Bisque Company is officially closing its doors.

Selbo Berquist is the owner of the already defunct Fargo Lobster Bisque Company who now admits: “Yeah, we prolly forgot to do our due diligence and go with the highly recommended Feasibility Study which prolly would’ve red flagged us to the fact that Fargo does not have a large lobster population living in the area.”

So what are Mr. Berquist’s plans for the future?

“Well, we have heard the Minnesota lakes area is starting to produce a plethora of zebra mussels so we are prolly looking into re-packaging ourselves in that general direction,” Selbo ponders. 

Ironically, all the lobsters in Selbo Berquist can bisquely be re-arranged to spell: Lobster Bisque!

Boys Joining Girl Scouts Just For The Cookies

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Come and get them, boys!

New York, NY – With girls now joining Boy Scouts for the challenge, boys are now joining Girl Scouts for the cookies.

Pat Hades, a transexual by birth, and who now is executive director of American Scout Society, believes that this is a win/win for both the Boy Scouts to allow girls who want a path to becoming Eagle Scouts, and for Girl Scouts to allow boys who want to eat more cookies.

A recent survey of boys showed that 100% would join Girl Scouts if allowed to eat as many of the following cookies as possible: S’mores, Caramel deLites, Peanut Butter Patties, Shortbreads, Lemonades, Savannah Smiles, Thanks-A-Lots, Toffee-tastics, and Trios.

The American Scout Society is also adding some new merit badges such as the Kneeling Badge to show respect for the National Anthem and also the Climate Change merit badge to show you believe in Global Warming and Global Cooling (depending on the season).

If you have a son (or transexual) who wants to join the Girl Scouts to eat the cookies, simply write a Letter of Request to:

Girl Scouts of the USA
420 Fifth Avenue
New York, NY 10018-2798

Many Apple Pickers Who Choose To Make Apple Wine End Up Getting Quite Drunk

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A glass of apple wine each day helps keep the blues away.

West Fargo, ND – It’s that special time of year once again when apple pickers in the region start thinking about fermentation.

Dr. Zymurgy explains that by using the magic of fermentation, a little bit of yeast and sugar can transform friendly apple juice into powerful apple wine.

Ms. Feleppa Westin is executive apple of the Apple Wine Fest which she describes as one big drunkfest that celebrates the fermented juice from the original apple of sin.

“If you start your home fermentation process in mid-October, by Thanksgiving you will have some kick-ass apple wine for which to give thanks,” says Ms. Westin. “And by Christmas, you’ll be ready to do some serious caroling throughout your neighborhood!” she adds.

Ironically, all the letters in Feleppa Westin can be re-fermented to spell: Apple Wine Fest!

Costumes And Candy Banned For Halloween In Fargo

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All holidays have essentially been banned in Fargo, North Dakota

Fargo, ND – The custom of dressing up in costumes for Halloween has been banned for security purposes.

Also, the handing out of candy has also been banned because of a few bad apples in the past who have handed out dangerous items.

During the fright night of Halloween, people can still go door to door and ring doorbells but trick-or-treaters must be dressed as themselves (with no masks such as Donald Trump).

Home dwellers can no longer pass out candy. Items that shall be allowed to be given out include: coins, printed poems, tooth brushes, and small used toys.

Due to a sharp increase in distracted drivers who feel it necessary to be texting whilst operating a large moving vehicle, trick-or-treating shall end at 20 o’clock.

Looking ahead to the upcoming festive Holiday season: Thanksgiving has been banned since not everyone has things to be thankful for, and Christmas has also been banned due to excessive materialism, extreme religious overtones, not to mention all the wackos who dress up as Santa.

FMO Hiring Senior Retro-Tech Position To Service All Our Older Equipment

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Knowledge of older equipment is a plus.

Eastern West Fargo, in Southeastern North Dakota – The FM Observer is proud to announce that we are interested in hiring a Senior Retro-Tech to our staff of Information Technologists.

Candidates must be willing to work in a slow-paced environment and be able to handle extreme pressure well.

Must be willing and able to work days and nights and also weekends and holidays for little or no compensation.

You should be able to take things apart and then put them back together.

Successful applicants would be expected to respectfully stand at attention with hand on heart during the national anthem and our daily pledge of allegiance.

Willingness to participant in office sports betting pools and bring in cookies would be a big plus.

Knowledge of all older types of retro-equipment which has a lot of knobs and buttons would be helpful since that it pretty much your main responsibility.

Candidate should be able to zoom in and zoom out when needed.

Language skills preferably would include English and Spanish as a first or second language, profanity, and also a basic understanding of office notes written in Tamil.

Must be willing to relocate if we ever decide to move or take the entire company on an “extended vacation” due to Global Cooling or problems with local law enforcement.

We are looking for a team player who is willing to be proactive and approachable.

You should be able to set positive goals that are achievable.

Having good time management skills is welcome as is being able to quickly respond to an emergency situation of any kind.

We are looking for someone who can prioritize many tasks as to their urgency and importance, re-think existing processes, educate yourself on the latest retro-technology, and ask questions when the answers may not be right in front of you.

If you feel your particular skill set is what the FM Observer is looking for, print multiple copies of your one-page resume in Tamil (using Google Translate if needed), and put one copy in each of our In-Box folders on our desks when we’re out to lunch (which is pretty much the whole day).

Superman Trump Single-Handedly Saves Puerto Rico By Tossing Out Paper Towels

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President Trump tossing out rolls of paper towels with amazing accuracy just like basketballs.

Puerto Rico – Somewhere out on a small piece of land surrounded by big ocean water, President Trump supermanishly saved the ailing island of Puerto Rico by tossing out cylindrical rolls of much needed paper towels almost as if they were round basketballs being swished through the hoop of a Michael Jordan free throw.

Everyone present agreed that President Trump’s expertise with which he threw out the paper towels was amazing, indicating that he must have practiced it back in the Oval Office prior to leaving for the hurricane-ravaged U.S. territory.

One elderly Puerto Rican lady who got hit in the head with a roll of presidential paper towels just laughed it off and said she was just glad it wasn’t a heavy jug of much needed fresh drinking water which her family hasn’t had for a fortnight. She also joked in Spanish saying that instead of Trump Tower, she now has a Trump Towel!

Big Bird Dead At The Age Of Seventy

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Big Bird seen here walking with two of his grand-children just moments before he was struck by a texting distracted driver.

Sesame Street, NY – The world is mourning the passing of one of its favorite large birds.

Big Bird from Sesame Street died in his nest whilst surrounded by his family and close friends at the age of 70, which is like 150 in bird years.

The cause of death was firstly complications from the avian bird flu which then were secondarily compounded with having been hit by a distracted driver at 50 mph who felt it necessary to type LOL in response to a stupid joke.

No word yet on any funeral arrangements for what is expected to be a large group wanting to cry their goodbyes to Big Bird.

Pallbearers will include his best friend Mr. Snuffleupagus who says monetary gifts can be given to support your local PBS station during their upcoming fund drives since President Trump is imposing draconian cuts to the funding of the Public Broadcasting Service.

Unsportsmanlike Conduct Now A Federal Crime

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Not respecting the flag and the national anthem now considered to be Unsportsmanlike Conduct.

Anthem, AZ – A new federal executive order that just took effect when it was signed by President Trump now considers any form of not respecting the American Flag and the National Anthem prior to any sort of competition to be Unsportsmanlike Conduct resulting in immediate ejection from the game.

This not only applies to NFL football games but also to every game in every sport and at all levels of competition including kindergarten.

What if every player except for one disrespects the National Anthem? Then only that one remaining player gets to compete in that particular competition. If an entire team takes a knee or does not show up for the National Anthem, they lose by default.

What if non-players such as parents in the crowd participate in the protest? They too shall be escorted to the exit and sent home without their popcorn.

Man Tries To Rob Convenience Store For A Pack Of Cigarettes Using Only A Pillow

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This is the pillow that was used to try to rob a convenience store for a pack of cigarettes.

Fargo, ND – Henry Doofus was booked on charges of felonious attempted robbery after he tried to rob a convenience store while only carrying a pillow as a weapon.

The store clerk, Richard Stonewall, at first thought it was a big joke when Mr. Doofus demanded a pack of Marlboro Light 100s while threatening to hit the clerk with the pillow.

Once it was determined that this was certainly not a joke, Richard Stonewall pulled out a large baseball bat (after pressing the police emergency call button) and then began to soundly pummel Henry Doofus until the police showed up.

Police officers on the scene found a bloodied Doofus on the floor and then carefully placed the pillow into a clear plastic bag as evidence.

Attorneys for the convenience store will be seeking a life sentence for Henry Doofus just to send a message to future potential would-be doofuses, however, they are in favor of the Doofmeister having his pillow in prison upon which to sleep and dream about that pack of Marlboro Light 100s.

Todd Rundgren Opens Moorhead Concert With A Prayer For President Trump

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Trump-lover Todd Rundgren leads the audience in prayer for President Donald Trump prior to his concert.

Moorhead, MN – Many who attended the Yes/Todd Rundgren concert were pleasantly delighted when Mr. Rundgren opened the concert with a nice long Hawaiian prayer for President Donald Trump.

Unfortunately, they were not pleasantly surprised when YES did not show up due to some serious family problems.

Luckily, Todd Rundgren was then able to dedicate his entire headlining concert to invoking spiritual help for President Trump and his entire administration whom Mr. Rundgren greatly admires.

In fact, the Toddster announced that all of the proceeds from the concert will go to help fund President Trump’s re-election campaign and also to build the tall wall to keep Americans from escaping to Mexico in an effort to avoid paying back taxes.

After the concert concluded, Todd Rundgren got a personal phone call from President Trump who said: “I don’t want to work, I want to bang on the drum all day!”