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Johnnny’s Ninth Retrospective (Posts 800-900)

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My second one hundred posts.

My 9th 100 posts. Now I can build an even longer fence!

Since 900 is such a nice round number, it was decided to use the occasion of my 900th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

So, it’s time once again to look back at Johnnny’s last 100 posts on your FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

800. Johnnny’s eighth retrospective (posts 700-800)
801. Women moving to Venus and leaving men behind
802. Tree toppled by storm’s strong winds damages home which owner fixes using only duct tape
803. Clown parade coming to downtown Fargo!
804. Moorhead man who was attacked by a mourning dove is expected to survive
805. Fargo getting positive response from students about year-round schooling
806. Burp Mcguire explains the difference between a horse, donkey, mule, and jackass
807. Expert now believes universe began (and will also end) with a big bang
808. Famous rock band Autopsia is coming to Fargo; Tickets selling madly
809. Try some radioactive soup for what ails you
810. Wealthy benefactor offers conditional money for two Red River Valley counties
811. Top Ten things to do in the Fargo-Moorhead area this weekend
812. Top Ten Confucius quotes (a.k.a. Master Kong)
813. New events center to eventually open in Fargo after it’s made somewhat more inhabitable
814. Man chased by prairie dog in western North Dakota
815. If you’re shopping for a vacuum, we recommend getting the new Super Sucker 9000
816. New church giving whole bottle of wine with communion to attract new members
817. Lottery winner from Fargo blows it all on a single purchase
818. Golf tournament pummeled with watermelon-sized hail
819. Fargo man a dead ringer for Leonardo da Vinci
820. New programmable robot kicks dogs whenever they bark
821. Poetry contest could be your ticket!
822. President Trump to swap the blue state of California for Greenland
823. Monkey makes $34 million in stock market from a $5 investment
824. Kindergartener hitchhikes home after school bus drops him off 75 miles from home
825. UFO encounter in Marshall county Minnesota finally solved
826. National Lutheran church to become bird sanctuary denomination
827. UND football team adds moose as running back to roster in effort to beat the Bison
828. Man tweaks life plan after doctor tells him he may not live forever
829. FM Observer’s long-time mentor dies at the very end of his life
830. Man who’s half goat to marry half-goat woman said to make a great couple
831. Fargo ND being used as test site by Algore for global warming
832. Noble Sheet newsletter to keep everyone updated, connected, and in-the-loop
833. Dinosaur dig in Fargo’s Island Park drawing national attention
834. Mandan Artfest is a continuous celebration of outdoor murals
835. Family trapped in Fargo Escape Room for weeks
836. Mute man learns how to communicate by using a French horn
837. Critics saying Joker movie one of the best family-friendly comedies since Caddyshack
838. Weatherman predicting worst winter ever!
839. Moorhead to host national Zombie Apocalypse survival conference
840. Biden wins Dem debate by focusing on clipping coupons in the stock market
841. Mars rover discovers relatively intelligent life
842. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle moving to Moorhead Minnesota to live a normal life
843. Fargo man promises if he wins lottery jackpot, he’ll give everyone in Fargo one dollar
844. The Pope is encouraging Catholics to read the back of the Bible
845. This month is national Hallucination Day month!
846. Fargo woman named Siri gets asked a lot of questions
847. President Trump made a kid pro quo deal with Ukraine for a children exchange program
848. During impeachment inquiry lunch break Adam Schiff orders pizza for the Dems but disallows Republicans to have any pizza
849. Sign up to win a chance to host Cher in your Fargo home during the nights of her concert
850. For a change, the Concordia College Christmas concert will feature all Beatles music this year
851. Fargo man crushed to death while trying to carry 99-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer
852. ND DOT has plans to reduce driver license wait times from 4 hours down to only 3 hours
853. Other states envious of South Dakota’s clever new meth slogan
854. Apple’s smart Christmas iTree is the best new thing for the holidays since eggnog
855. The White Houses twelve days of impeachment calendar is the latest trending Christmas gift
856. People’s Militia Group votes on proper punishment for downtown Fargo jaywalkers
857. Car full of dogs pulled over for excessive number of lane changes
858. Stevie Wonder comes to Fargo to do some snowmobiling
859. Dickinson team name changing from The Midgets to just The Dicks
860. How to find your groove pattern (before it’s too late)
861. Teams of foreign specialists coming to Fargo to study the mating habits of Fargo natives
862. No parking on streets of Fargo after 4 inches of snow has fallen
863. FMO’s medi-van to provide free medical check ups to shovelers
864. FMO to host free all-city concert featuring hot mega-band Neon Fruitcake
865. Your FM Observer is humbled to have once again won best website award
866. Moorhead’s turkey mitigation program getting high marks
867. Local service clubs helping to make snow forts for the homeless
868. Society beginning to show signs of early dementia along with schizophrenia and bipolarism
869. Days Of Our Lives soap opera being replaced by another called Endless Impeachment
870. Chief Justice John Roberts swears himself in during rare Senate moment
871. New school for gifted children requires quantitative proof that a child is gifted
872. Corona Virus now treatable with extra lime
873. Man’s death blamed on panic attack caused by extreme frustration during jigsaw puzzle tournament
874. This man doesn’t remember who he is. Can you help identify him?
875. Male who identifies as female to compete in next Miss North Dakota pageant
876. FM Observer donates valuable work of art to popular soup kitchen to boost morale
877. After Iowa caucus app fails, Iowa Dems using 1920s adding machine to try and calculate the victor
878. Fargo police add new dog that can detect weird activity
879. Weekly listing of divorces in Cass County
880. Amy Klobuchar wrestles woman to ground after being attacked
881. Joaquin Phoenix’s “Cries Of Anguish” wins the Oscar for best picture
882. Executive directors named for Fargo’s new combo church/hospital
883. West Fargo couple dies in car while waiting for traffic light to turn green
884. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles asked to help fight the corona virus
885. The new measure of health is pounds per vertical foot
886. Learn how to learn how to properly vape by attending beginner vaping classes
887. Leap Day was begun as an extra day to do something new or different
888. Survey asks: do we really need domesticated cats?
889. Moorhead man willing to part with N95 filtration masks for $100 each
890. Fargo man who dreams he was on a cruise ship wakes up with corona virus
891. Bernie Sanders waves good-bye to humanity as he leaves to become the first president of Mars
892. First machine to catch corona virus from a human is now “acting funny”
893. Fargo man impaled by large icicle doesn’t notice it until he gets home to his wife
894. Pandemic social distancing North Dakota style
895. FM Observer’s first annual Panic-Fest cancelled due to lack of toilet paper
896. South Park being used extensively as educational tool for pandemic home schooling
897. Russian Roulette Club once again seeking one new member
898. New home workout program called “Flatten Your Curves” gaining popularity
899. The 40 mental stages experienced during pandemic isolation

FM Observer’s First Annual Panicfest Cancelled Due To Lack Of Toilet Paper

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You can’t spell “pandemic” with “panic”!

Fargo, ND – What was to be a celebratory reminder to everyone to not panic during a Global Pandemic has been cancelled due to lack of toilet paper.

Panicfest organizers made the tough decision to cancel the first annual event after realizing that the number of available rolls of toilet paper for sale in the region is now down to zero.

Had the event not been cancelled, Panicfest attendees were going to be asked to group themselves into clusters of nine in order to not break the Gathering Of 10+ rule.

Here are the six things to do in order to maximize your chances of survival during a Global Pandemic:

1. Don’t panic!

2. If you do panic, certainly don’t freak out.

3. Stockpile toilet paper next to your Bible and guns.

4. Organize your liquor cabinet alphabetically.

5. Put everything you touch into its own separate zip-lock bag.

6. If someone comes near you, call 9-1-1.

Weekly Listing Of Divorces In Cass County

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There are just as many reasons to get divorced as there are divorces.

Fargo, ND – It’s time once again to list the divorces going down in Cass County.

All of the following couples are uncoupling.

They have decided to part ways and go in different directions.

After some matrimonial restructuring, these former life partners will be relieved of their marital duties as they drop the terms “husband” and “wife” from their spousal relationships.

Here is this week’s listing of marriages that are being relocated to Splitsville:

Lori Aveline vs. Butch Barfneck
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: She didn’t take my last name.

Dorine Blavnok vs. Valim Blavnok
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Is Scientology a cult or religion?

Marta Blinkfire vs. Kolt Blinkfire
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Brussel Sprouts!

Jezza Borgwheezel vs. Olaph Borgwheezel
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Definition of “clean”.

Camelia Brandagamba vs. Vernius Brandagamba
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Impossible Impeachment Impasse.

Matilda Brockhouse vs. Cosimo Brockhouse
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse laughs too loudly.

Pamphila Brownlock vs. Jago Brownlock
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My husband spends too much time in the basement.

Trixa Chertofski vs. Kinck Chertofski
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Weed gummy bears.

Robin Chubb vs. Xander Chubb
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse won’t come out of the closet.

Zelda Chunkfest vs. Lester Chunkfest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Sense of humor differences.

Gringa Clayhanger vs. Niles Clayhanger
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: The juggling of our finances.

Starla DePhilpott vs. Gifford DePhilpott
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Who wears the pants in our family?

Camelia Diggle vs. Uffo Diggle
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Smartphone distraction.

Zoelle Ergerjoint vs. Knute Ergerjoint
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Poor grammar (past participles)

Herkna Fimvest vs. Dorknel Fimvest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Control of the remote controls.

Bertha Flokmesker vs. Angstoid Flokmesker
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Is the FMObserver real fake news?

Gerda Galbassi vs. Bucca Galbassi
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Global Warming vs Climate Change.

Lalia Gawkroger vs. Sancho Gawkroger
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My husband is losing his marbles!

Ingo Goldworthy vs. Bungo Goldworthy
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Quid pro snow.

Melila Headstrong vs. Eliot Headstrong
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Over-usage of our credit cards.

Lusha Inkshed vs. Joltan Inkshed
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Einstein’s theory of relatives.

Zhway Jongburg vs. Nyork Jongburg
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Different definition of decency.

Milava Konvalb vs. Bilavo Konvalb
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: The 5th Amendment.

Suzetta Lightfoot vs. Fulvus Lightfoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Multi-level furniture.

Thora McMolten vs. Judd McMolten
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Prayer breakfasts.

Moxie Nogbanks vs. Buster Nogbanks
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Turning our living room into a pistol range.

Psalm Olgschmacher vs. Wellington Olgschmacher
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Honda vs Hyundai.

Rhoda Puddifoot vs. Segol Puddifoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Selection of pizza toppings.

Astoria Quivelski vs. Cyprus Quivelski
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: She is possessed by the devil!

Dayja Rafferty vs. Conrad Rafferty
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Walls dividing every room.

Golden Rumble vs. Holman Rumble
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Number of condiments in the fridge.

Malva Sandyman vs. Filberto Sandyman
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse is colluding with the Russians.

Pandora Smallburrow vs. Togo Smallburrow
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Peanuts envy.

Cameo Stafko vs. Francois Stafko
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Usage of South Park for home schooling.

Juna Tafanofleroid vs. Zix Tafanofleroid
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Excessive flatulence.

Delvina Trumpiano vs. Rectan Trumpiano
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Different levels of hoarding.

Mariposa Twofoot vs. Milo Twofoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Difference between work and play.

Jessalyn Ugersmacker vs. Jax Ugersmacker
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: NFL Pickem choices.

Julla VanDruBoaix vs. Betan VanDruBoaix
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Who should walk the dog?

Elna Vanpiper vs. Wermbang Vanpiper
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Abuse of flower.

Merni Vlemeyer vs. Carvon Vlemeyer
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Severe halitosis.

Damarni Whempest vs. Jork Whempest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Whether “memoji” is a valid scrabble word?

Bing Loo Xing vs. Bong Lee Xong
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Too much/too little makeup.

Jilian Yelpstern vs. Tonk Yelpstern
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Stacking beer cans.

Onesta Zaragamba vs. Haiduc Zaragamba
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Lack of respect for in-laws.

Anima Zorvdunkel vs. Guavchut Zorvdunkel
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Making coffee.

Top Ten Things To Do In The Fargo-Moorhead Area This Weekend!

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Here is a list of the Top Ten fun things to do in the FM area this weekend!

West Fargo, ND – Are you looking for something fun, new, and different to do this weekend?

Would you like to be where the happening action is at?

Well, once again you’ve come to the right place!

Based on our latest extensive research, here is a convenient synopsis of what’s going on in the greater Fargo Moorhead area this weekend:

☺ Perfume exchange at Alice Gronk’s home
☺ Offensive sign parade (Downtown Fargo)
​☺ All-city Tug-O-War (West Fargo)
☺ Kid’s Learn-How-To-Gamble Day (Horse Park)
☺ Annual mosquito count (Moorhead)
​☺ Reading of the Mueller Report (Fargo Library)
☺ Senior citizen Hide-n-Seek (Sabin)
☺ Paintball War competition (Island Park)
☺ Children’s self-defense against Catholic priests (YMCA)
☺ 24-hour Treasure Hunt (Fargo Landfill)

Johnnny’s Eighth Retrospective (Posts 700-800)

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My second one hundred posts.

My 8th 100 posts. Now I can build an even longer fence!

Since 800 is such a nice round number, it was decided to use the occasion of my 800th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

So, it’s time once again to look back at Johnnny’s last 100 posts on your FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

700. Johnnny’s seventh retrospective (posts 600-700)
701. Blood bank looking to hire vampires they can count on
702. Older cats not too hip on trendings of younger cool cats
703. Indian summer celebrated by many even though it’s no longer political correct
704. Dr. Finance: Should I buy some lottery tickets for the mega jackpot
705. President Trump orders up some hurricanes to dissuade caravan of illegals
706. Fargo woman fired from her good job for having a bad hair day
707. Fargo winter softball leagues open for sign up
708. Top ten reasons why the city of Moorhead secretly changed its voting locations
709. The cemetery is a good place for trick-or-treaters
710. Fargo’s first full-frontal face transplant operation deemed an international success
711. Heroic pilot somehow safely lands problematic plane at the Moorhead international airport
712. The pot now legal in four ND counties
713. How to properly entertain guests in your home for coffee or tea
714. UFO sightings over Ireland shortly after release of new Guinness-plus beer
715. New downtown Fargo condos with sheek new dilapidated exterior now for sale
716. NFL pickem calculator is amazingly accurate
717. Things North Dakotans have to be thankful for
718. Try this FMO family tradition whilst enjoying your Thanksgiving day togetherness
719. Man who had just figured out solution to climate change problem hit by bus
720. Fargo man won’t confirm nor deny that he’s running for president
721. Fargo family denied permission to adopt hammerhead shark
722. Sponge pudding shortage threatens some local family traditions
723. Use decorative duct tape to help your partner stop snoring during the holidays
724. Professional bowler stuns crowd during regional championship tournament
725. Nothing says I like you like butterscotch pudding
726. Secret Santa drops in early at many local businesses
727. Here is the winner of our annual picture-of-the-year contest
728. New test for dementia is highly conclusive
729. New home radar system detects and then detains package stealers
730. Vacationing President Trump blames Democrats for hurting his golf game
731. Fargo couple plans outdoor wedding during blizzard
732. Fargo’s 19th avenue north now open to one lane of traffic
733. FM Observer hires new CEO to right the ship
734. FM Observer’s reader’s new years resolutions
735. New game show called Double Jeopardy features twins acquitted of a crime but then tried again for exact same crime
736. Famous French chef accused of assault during Fargo master class
737. Local Fargo filmmaker has a big hit with his new film Gristly Nights
738. Merge Fargo north high with Fargo south high to make Fargo mega high school
739. Two Fargo illusionists go missing without a trace except for their pajamas
740. Long cold winter starting to take its effect on normal people
741. Algore sends frigid polar vortex into North Dakota as punishment for fracking
742. Fargo new born is suspected time traveler based on his post-birth questions
743. Five-day work week likened to rapid rat race
744. Abominable snowman comes to Fargo area in search of mate
745. Ringo was the most normal of the Beatles
746. New Fargo bar/lounge called The Peachflame to exclusively cater to weird people
747. Moorhead man modifies microwave oven to quickly clear snow from his driveway
748. Polar Vortex Pizza delivers your fully-cooked pizza completely frozen
749. Virginia governor Ralph Northam being pressured to do the moonwalk
750. Tie-dyed wind chill map warms hearts of former hippies
751. Top ten winter words North Dakotans are getting really sick of
752. Let the FM Observer help express your love on Valentines day
753. Doctors believe if you can live long enough you might be able to live forever
754. Smiling Depression is now considered a disease treatable with drugs
755. Creative ways to decline an offer besides just saying NO
756. Dr. Harshnel Quadflop called in to investigate Fargo’s recent outbreak of Ekbom’s Syndrome
757. FMO considering selling prayer pillows to help fund reader appreciation parties
758. Polar bear that enters north Fargo grocery store ends up in the canned meats aisle
759. Fargo man gains sixty pounds in one sitting at all-you-can-eat buffet
760. Fargo artist paints first-ever moving picture using kinetic oil paints
761. Fargo clock shoppe owner jailed for refusing to change his clocks to daylight savings time
762. Because of global change geese don’t know which direction to migrate
763. Democrats considering lowering voting age to ten while offering them free candy
764. FM Observers celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with a surprise trip to Ireland
765. Proceeds from famous painting by Amsterdam Douglass to help fund Fargo’s flood fight
766. Charles Barkley helps FMO readers with March Madness
767. Cathy’s Cat Cafe opens in Fargo; Reviews give it five meows
768. Peter Pan claims he was abused by Michael Jackson until Tinker Bell found out
769. Today is the last day of the beginning of your life
770. Loud Michael Bolton music to be used at southern border to dissuade illegal entries
771. Police dog licks man to death
772. Dear FMO: How can we create a quagmire on our property?
773. Lucky local Mormon groom successfully marries identical twin sister brides
774. Some are now questioning if the Moorhead interchange planning was subpar
775. West Fargo’s Three Lions Pub: The history of its name
776. Notre Dame church fire in Paris may have been sparked by lone cigarette butt
777. Typo Insurance Company to offer typo insurance
778. House-warming gift ideas for the West Fargo/Fargo area
779. Further funding for Fort Fargo finally finds feasible financial footing
780. Directions to our FMO corporate headquarters for reader meet-n-greet parties
781. President-elect Joe Biden vows to make hudge fund managers take extredable cuts
782. Iconic downtown Fargo Theater to be converted into condos
783. Future-teller Precog coming to Fargo to give free readings to FMO readers
784. Kentucky Derby to be re-raced for first time in its history
785. Entire family goes missing after husband dreams they were all kidnapped
786. Baby Sussex the future king of England shall be called Jughead Forsythe P. Jones of Windsor
787. Group of Fargo wives put their husbands out on boulevard for clean-up week
788. Bad red panda gets solitary confinement after escaping from the Red River Zoo
789. Cooking Corner: How to cook a caged pigeon
790. Emergency counselors now available for problematic family situations
791. New ND Governor’s mansion mistaken for highway rest area by many travelers
792. FM Observer is upping our volume and encouraging our readers to up yours
793. Local couple’s painting worth a half million dollars destroyed by distracted driver
794. Norwegians marching to protest all those stupid Norwegian jokes
795. Top ten things to do in the Fargo-Moorhead area this weekend
796. A rare pair of Velociraptors seen wandering through West Fargo
797. FMO asking: How safe do you feel in north Fargo?
798. Next Fargo air show promises some amazing never-before-seen acts
799. FMO’s Insurance Desk now offering weekend insurance

Top Ten Things To Do In The Fargo-Moorhead Area This Weekend!

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Here is a list of the Top Ten fun things to do in the FM area this weekend!

West Fargo, ND – Are you looking for something fun, new, and different to do this weekend?

Would you like to be where the happening action is at?

Well, once again you’ve come to the right place!

Based on our latest extensive research, here is a convenient synopsis of what’s going on in the greater Fargo Moorhead area this weekend:

☺ Rotten Egg Juggling (West Acres)
☺ Drunkfest 3000 (Downtown Fargo)
​☺ Scary Clown Parade (North Fargo)
☺ Mud Wrestling Tournament (Moorhead)
☺ Meat and Greet Cookout (West Fargo)
​☺ Parimutuel Dog Fights (Fairgrounds)
☺ Senior Citizen Dodgeball Event (Sabin)
☺ Sloppy Joe Eating Contest (Island Park)
☺ Marijuana Bake Sale (Second Lutheran Church)
☺ Free Concert: Electric Pickle (Outside Fargodome)

Creative Ways To Decline An Offer (Besides Just Saying No)

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If just saying NO doesn’t work, try one of these negative phrases:

West Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer recently brought in two excellent professional life coaches to instruct our entire staff on how to say “NO” in a number of different ways.

Let’s face it, there are many times you’re asked if you’d want to volunteer for a committee, or buy a coupon booklet, or get involved in some weekly activity. At the time, you know you should decline, but for some reason you say YES (and later regret it).

Certified Life Coaches Sonja Yust and Tony Jauss (who headquarter out of New Orleans, or NO-town) had us practice saying a number of useful phrases that can be used when trying to decline an offer when someone is asking you to do something you’d really rather not agree to.

After first responding by saying “Why do you ask?” then use any of these cleverly designed phrases as an alternative to just saying NO:

⦿ What part of “Nyet” don’t you understand?
⦿ This is not part of my agenda for this decade.
⦿ All signs are pointing toward non-concurrence.
⦿ My jurisdiction doesn’t cover this type of fiasco.
⦿ Thanks for asking, and for never bringing it up again.
⦿ I can commit to not committing to your misguided plans.
⦿ I gave up doing things that make me want to kill myself.
⦿ Let me think about it and I’ll get back to you in 20 years.
⦿ This idea is more undesirable to me than nude ice fishing.
⦿ Unfortunately, I don’t see this as being on my Vision Board.
⦿ I am currently not in the market to buy what you’re selling.
⦿ There are more gullible people you should discuss this with.
⦿ You seem to be barking up the wrong tree at the wrong time.
⦿ Your presentation is not falling into any common sense category.
⦿ You should rethink this idea until it starts to make some sense.
⦿ My news years resolution was to avoid stupid ideas like this one.
⦿ I would rather remove my own gallbladder with a rusty pitchfork.
⦿ Life is too short to pursue things like this that seem to totally suck.
⦿ I’ll consider your idea after the Minnesota Vikings win the Super Bowl.
⦿ This is the exit point at which I plan on disembarking this train to hell.
⦿ There are worse things I could agree to but I can’t think of any right now.
⦿ Sorry. That’s the day of my grandmother’s soccer game, and I never miss those!

⦾ Ironically, all of the letters in both “Sonja Yust” and “Tony Jauss” can easily be re-arranged to: “Just Say No!”

Top Ten Winter Words North Dakotans Are Getting Really Sick Of

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Fargoans have really gotten to hate the word Arctic.

Fargo, ND – Our FM Observer reporters fanned out across the region to knock on doors asking people what winter words they are getting most tired of hearing.

After doing so, we then empirically compiled the comprehensive list into a scientific study.

We believe it is totally scientific because we used the word empirical.

What follows is a scientific poll of the Top Ten words or phrases that people living in this region are getting really sick of hearing:

10. Winter Snowstorm
9. Frizzle
8. Alberta Clipper
7. Pre-Shoveling
6. Snownami*
5. Windchill Factor
4. Black Ice
3. Blizzard Warning
2. Polar Vortex
1. Arctic

* Snownami is the scientific word for the large ridge of snow left at the end of driveways after the street plows come by to do their due diligence.

FM Observer’s Reader’s New Year’s Resolutions

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Nunc Coepi = Now I Begin

West Fargo, ND – We recently met face-to-face with some of our faithful readers at a local alcoholic establishment to compile a list of all their top New Year resolutions.

So, in case you have not made your New Year’s resolutions yet, or just need some more good ideas, here are the FM Observer’s reader’s Top Ten list of New Year’s resolutions for the new year for you:

◙ Change all passwords to extremely long ones.
◙ Finish Christmas shopping by 4th of July.
◙ Continue to volunteer at soup kitchens.
◙ Dye hair silver to get more respect.
◙ Purge all Minnesota Vikings stuff.
◙ Start exercising in February.
◙ Join a Ping Pong league.
◙ Start clipping coupons.
◙ Get a smarter phone.
◙ Take more napsters.
◙ Drink more beer.
◙ Fight for peace.
◙ Gain 16 pounds.

Things North Dakotans Have To Be Thankful For

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Thanks for Thanksgiving!

West Fargo, ND – After a comprehensive state-wide survey, your FM Observer has painstakingly compiled a list of things for which North Dakotans have to be thankful.

So, as you gather round your Thanksgiving dinner table and first go around the table to say what each one is thankful for, you can either memorize some of the following, or simply take out your smartphone and read this list straight off our website.

Things To Be Thankful For If You Live In North Dakota:

1. An upcoming Bison football championship
2. Sanford’s New Level I Trauma Center
3. Our state is a Tsunami-free zone
4. The fabulous Medora Musical
5. That Canada is our neighbor
6. Jamestown’s State Hospital
7. Happy Harry’s Bottle Shop
8. Too Tall Tom Szymanski
9. We’re not South Dakota
10. Horizontal Fracking
11. Global Warming
12. NFL Football
13. Legalize ND
14. The Ralph
15. Cara Mund