Category Archives: Editorial

Mars Rover Discovers Relatively Intelligent Life

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Lichen us on Facebook!

Mars, Milky Way – Even though scientists have now officially discovered life on Mars, they are admittedly a bit underwhelmed by the fact that it’s just some lichens.

However, top Mars lichenologist Dr. Charles Nim says: “We are lichen what we’re seeing with this Mars rover!”

Dr. Nim notes that it’s quite amazing that we’ve now found a mutualistic relationship of algae and fungi living and breathing on the Red Planet, but trying to communicate with it has so far been a challenge.

“These lichens are forming themselves into the shape of a human brain to supposedly better communicate with us,” the Nimster explains.

Using lichenometry, the orange lichen colony appears to be about 54 million years old but doesn’t look a day over 50 million years.

Going forward, Dr. Charles Nim shared this final thought: “We are lichen our chops to find our more about this life that we have discovered on Mars!”

As you might expect, all the letters in Charles Nim can re-arrange into: Mars Lichen!

Biden Wins Dem Debate By Focusing On Clipping Coupons In The Stock Market

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Old Joe Biden knows about clipping coupons in the stock market.

Westerville, Ohio – Almost everyone agrees that former Vice President Joe Biden won the 4th Democrat debate which was held in the iconic suburb of Westerville, Ohio.

Here is the key moment when former VP Joe Biden cleverly won the debate:

CNN MODERATOR ERIN BURNETT: Vice President Biden, you have warned against demonizing rich people.

Do you believe that Senator Sanders and Senator Warren’s wealth tax plans do that?

JOE BIDEN: No, look, demonizing wealth, what I talked about is how you get things done.

And the way to get things done is take a look at the tax code right now.

The idea, we have to start rewarding work, not just wealth.

I would eliminate the capital gains tax.

I would raise the capital gains tax to the highest rate, of 39.5 percent.

I would double it, because guess what?

Why in God’s name should someone who’s clipping coupons in the stock market make, in fact, pay a lower tax rate than someone who, in fact, is, like I said, the, a schoolteacher and a firefighter? It’s ridiculous. And they pay a lower tax!

Moorhead To Host National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference

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Learn how to survive an uprising of the undead.

Moorhead, MN – The quiet little town of Moorhead will soon be anything but once the National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference comes to town.

What is the Zombie Apocalypse?

As it’s described in the Zombible, the Zombie Apocalypse is the undead uprising that will occur during the final destruction of the world. As you probably know, this time period will be dominated by the walking dead roaming the Earth in search of human flesh.

How do you survive a Zombie Apocalypse?

As is spelled out in the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide, every living person needs to have a Zombie Plan ready so you know what to do in case of a Zombie Outbreak. Having a wide variety of weapons is highly recommended, such as a zombat (preferably two, if you’re zombidextrous).

The National Zombie Apocalypse Survival Conference will teach attendees everything they need to know in order to survive a Zombie Attack. Conferees will be served a partially-cooked luncheon zomburger with red zomatos and a side fruit cup of juicy zomberries.

Robert Cummings (aka Rob Zombie) will of course be the conference’s keynote speaker and also provide some relaxing musical interludes.

Weatherman Predicting Worst Winter Ever :(

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Compared to the worst winters ever, this coming winter will top the charts.

West Fargo, ND – The good news is that your FM Observer just hired one of the best weather forecasters in the business.

The bad news is that our very own Dr. Noblin Glasgow is predicting the worst winter ever for our North Central region of the country.

Unfortunately, what we are hearing from Dr. Glasgow is that this coming winter will far exceed any of the previous worst winters on record.

“I am very sorry to say that this winter will make the winters of 1888, 1920, 1941, 1966, and 1997 look like birthday parties at a country club,” explains Dr. Noblin Glasgow while smoking a cigar amongst his stacks of scientific data.

Obviously, in light of this unsettling information, locals are calmly advised to stock up on all the usuals: candles, shovels, Doritos, and beer.

Interestingly, all the letters in Noblin Glasgow can be blown around to spell: Global Snowing!

Critics Saying Joker Movie One Of The Best Family-Friendly Comedies Since Caddyshack

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Joaquin Phoenix may have a future as a stand-up comedian after this movie!

Gotham City, NJ – Critical feedback of the new Joker movie is giving it many thumbs up.

Here are what some of our favorite movie critic friends are saying about Joaquin Phoenix’s Joker movie:

Luther Frack: This new Joker movie is one of the funniest movies I have ever seen mainly because the audience is treated to lots of great jokes.

Clarke Furth: Not only is Joker totally family friendly like Halloween but I believe it should be shown in school to kids of all ages from kindergarten on up.

Ruth Fackler: Joker is by far the best movie since The Sound Of Music. It is guaranteed to make you smile and put on a happy face.

Lerch Furtak: Major thumbs way up for Joker. Not only does is remind us that life is a comedy but it also brings awareness to mental illness just like the movie Caddyshack did.

Erhart Fluck: I would rank this Joker movie as a must see movie for all ages. I just might begin my own joke diary after enjoying this total jokefest of a movie.

Relf Kutchar: My entire family loved this charming movie which is also being applauded by many church groups who are finding it a total inspiration to live a better life.

Critically, all of the letters in each of the above critic’s names can be re-arranged to spell: Arthur Fleck!

Mute Man Learns How To Communicate By Using A French Horn

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After being born, he learned how to horn.

Elk Horn, Iowa – When Lon Terhark was born, he was unable to vocalize, officially making him a mute.

But luckily for Lon, his school band director encouraged him to take up playing French Horn.

Now, Lon Terhark has learned how to use his French Horn to communicate.

He has even met a woman who also uses her French horn to blow messages to Lon.

Whenever the two resort to swearing, they jokingly say: “Pardon my French horn!”

After the two get married, they would like to quietly start their own business selling decorative Christmas hornaments.

Not surprisingly, all of the letter in Lon Terhark can be blown to spell: Horn Talker!

Family Trapped In Fargo Escape Room For Weeks

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If you don’t escape from an Escape Room, then you’re trapped like rats, up a creek without a paddle.

Fargo, ND – A family that tried to find their way out of an Escape Room ended up being lost and forgotten for a number of weeks.

Ms. Paulette Soules along with her husband and their three children apparently were not up to the Escape Room challenge.

Unfortunately, when their problem solving skills weren’t good enough to help them think outside the box, they somehow got forgotten in some hidden back room with no doors or windows but which luckily had a refrigerator that was fully stocked with beer and various snack foods.

Ironically, all of the letters in Paulette Soules can be re-arranged to spell: Please, let us out!

Mandan Artfest Is A Continuous Celebration Of Outdoor Murals

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All future outdoor murals in Mandan must somehow include a reference to a Lonesome Dove.

Mandan, ND – In the city that wants to be known as Mural Central, Mandan’s new Outdoor Artfest will run from October 1st to September 30th each and every year.

After the Mandan City Council decided to have their town be the most mural-friendly community in the nation, artists of all shapes and sizes will be descending on Mandan like lonesome doves onto a peace festival.

One travelling graffiti artist we spoke with explained: “Yah, cool man! Me and many of my friends are heading directly toward Mandan, North Dakota to basically live there and do outdoor art, because that is what we do, and Mandan is where we’ll do it.”

Dinosaur Dig In Fargo’s Island Park Drawing National Attention

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Island Park dino dig in search of the Fargosaurus.

Fargo, ND – If you would truly like to be apart of something historic, join the upcoming Dino Dig which will happen in Island Park.

After two local psychics indicated the presence of dinosaur bones in this area, a dino dig team has been planning their attack to search every cubic inch of Island Park going down 22 feet.

Besides finding and creating history, dino digs are also a great way to meet new friends who are covered in dirt.

Dig Team leaders have already decided that any dinosaur bones found in Island Park will be called the Fargosaurus.

‘Noble Sheet’ Newsletter To Keep Everyone Updated, Connected, And In The Loop

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Everyone is signing up for the new Noble Sheet Newsletter: The new way to stay connected!

Fargo, ND – Sign up now for the hottest monthly newsletter to hit the region since the Pony Express.

The new Noble Sheet Newsletter will freely be available to everyone for a nominal fee of $120 per year.

Not only will everyone want to sign up for this newsletter, but it may also be mandatory.

The Noble Sheet Company has as its goal to keep everyone in the greater Fargo-Moorhead area up to date on what’s happening along with all the extra information you would expect from a Noble Sheet Newsletter.

Plus, you’re invited to submit content to share with the community.

Things you can expect to find in the monthly Noble Sheet Newsletter include: events, reminders, tips, recipes, scams, news about your friends, who’s in jail, accurate future sports score predictions, and important things that directly affect you.

Unlike other area publications, one additional thing you will pleasantly notice about the Noble Sheet Newsletter: No-Bull Shit!