Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Fargo Man Crushed To Death While Trying To Carry 99-Pack Of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer

Warning: Do not try to lift the 99-Pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon beer by yourself!

Fargo, ND – In an unfortunate incident involving the purchase of beer, an elderly Fargo man met his demise when he tried walking off with more than he could carry.

Mr. Cantine Pinkney, upon seeing the giant cases of Pabst Blue Ribbon in his favorite liquor store, decided to buy the 99-pack of beer for $99.

Pabst Blue Ribbon strongly suggests that their 99-packs of beer be carried by at least two strong people because they weigh in at around 99 pounds.

While attempting to walk out of the store carrying his large 99-pound 99-pack of PBR, Mr. Cantine Pinkney quickly succumbed to the massive weight, and suddenly collapsed into the glass exit door with the entire 99-pack landing directly on top of him causing immediate lights-out for old man Pinkney.

Crushingly, all of the letters in Cantine Pinkney can unfortunately be re-arranged to spell: Ninety-Nine Pack!

For A Change, The Concordia College Christmas Concert Will Feature All Beatles Music This Year

An all-Beatles Concordia College Christmas concert will be a refreshing change.

Moorhead, MN – In what’s considered to be a slight deviation from the norm, Concordia College will feature all Beatles music during this year’s annual Christmas Concert.

“Because the night that Jesus was born was so very special, we too decided to do something very special, namely, use all Beatles music for this year’s Concordia College Christmas Concert,” said Mr. Cardoso McChristian who ostensibly has nothing to do with the concert.

Yes, many old-timers who hate change will probably be somewhat surprised to hear that all of the traditional songs normally sung during the Concordia College Christmas Concert will be completely replaced by Beatles tunes, including:

⦿ Birthday
⦿ Lady Madonna
⦿ The Fool On The Hill
⦿ Norwegian Wood
⦿ Mother Nature’s Son
⦿ Let It Be
⦿ Across The Universe
⦿ Come Together
⦿ Because
⦿ We Can Work It Out
⦿ Got To Get You Into My Life
⦿ Hello Goodbye
⦿ Rocky Raccoon
⦿ With A Little Help From My Friends
⦿ Yesterday
⦿ The End

Incidentally, all the letters in Cardoso McChristian can be re-arranged into: Concordia Christmas!

Sign Up To Win A Chance To Host Cher In Your Fargo Home During The Nights Of Her Concert

Cher wants to Share a night with you in your home! Just make sure you have some Chery Coke on hand!

Fargo, ND As part of her Final Outreach Tour, Cher wants to stay in the home of some lucky Fargo family in April 2020!

Sign up to win a chance to host Cher in your master bedroom during her two night stay in Fargo, before she scoots off to Green Bay, Wisconsin for her next big concert!

Email us all your personal contact information, along with your favorite Cher songs, and ten reasons why you love Cher!

Also explain why you think your home should be chosen to host Cher!

Please include a picture of your family, your pets, your home, and your master bedroomwhere Cher might sleep!

During Impeachment Inquiry Lunch Break, Adam Schiff Orders Pizza For The Dems But Disallows Republicans To Have Any Pizza

House Intelligence Committee Chairman Adam Schiff doesn’t allow Republicans to have any pizza.

Swamp City, DC – On Day One of the House Impeachment Inquiry of President Trump, Chairman Adam Schiff ordered an abundance of luncheon pizza for the Democrats on the committee but did not allow the Republicans to order or have any pizza.

Ranking minority member Devin Nunes fretfully asked Chairman Schiff why the Republicans were not allowed to have any of the Democratic pizza, or even just to be able to order any pizza for themselves.

The stoically rigid chairman of the House Intelligence Committee responded by saying that the minority party does not have the power to order any pizza for lunch, nor have the right to share in any of the Majority’s pizza-fest.

When the Republican members asked what lunch options they had, Adam Schiff explained that any written requests the Republicans submitted to the committee would eventually be considered by the Majority party…in a secret closed session.

President Trump Made A ‘Kid Pro Quo’ Deal With Ukraine For A Children Exchange Program

Presidents Trump and Zelensky making a deal to secretly exchange children between their two countries.

Kyiv, Ukraine – In a stunning new development which is further fueling the inexorable impeachment inquiry, whistle blowers are blowing their whistles over a Kid Pro Quo deal that President Trump secretly made with Lord Voldemort Zelensky of Ukraine.

Apparently the deal included secret plans for the United States to set up a children exchange program with Ukraine.

It is not clear at this juncture whether or not any children have already been exchanged between the two countries.

Democrats believe that if this Kid Pro Quo is proven to be true during their live televised hearings, then they should have enough support and momentum to impeach President Donald Trump prior to the upcoming 2020 elections.

In the meantime, if you are a child who was exchanged between the United States and Ukraine, please call the Kid Pro Quo hotline to talk with a highly trained federal counselor who will secretly walk you through your options.

Fargo Woman Named ‘Siri’ Gets Asked A Lot Of Questions

Fargo resident Siri Kittlaus is a veritable magnet for questions throughout her day.

Fargo, ND – Siri Kittlaus, who’s been living in Fargo ever since she graduated from Concordia College, gets asked a lot of questions during a normal day.

Siri, who originally grew up in Sweden, explained to us that as soon as someone finds out her name, they usually ask her at least one question.

FMO: What are some of the most common questions that you’re asked?

Siri: Oh, it’s usually something like what’s the current weather in Denver, or how many grams in a cup of flour, and I can usually tell them the answers.

FMO: What are some frequent questions for which you don’t have the answers?

Siri: Oh, those would probably include 1. What is zero divided by zero? and 2. When will the world end?

FMO: How do you respond when someone asks if you have any good riddles or jokes?

Siri: Well, for those, I always carry around with me a small book of a thousand riddles and another with a thousand jokes.

FMO: Do you have any pets, and what’s your favorite color?

Siri: OK, I am now done answering your questions!

This Month Is National Hallucination Day Month

If you’re seeing things, you’re not the only one. It’s just a sign of the times.

Eastern West Fargo, ND – On top of everything else already going on in the nation, this is also National Hallucination Day Month.

Just imagine an entire month devoting each and every one of its days to honoring everything on the subject of hallucinations.

As the late Dr. Willy Nilly once preached: “The world is one mass hallucination which is why one whole month should be set aside as National Hallucination Day Month.

Some hallucination experts on our highly paid FM Observer staff have some visionary thoughts about hallucinations:

Luciana Hilton, who majored in hallucinations in college says:

Take your hallucinations seriously, but not too seriously, mmkay? Hallucinations are real but the real question is what does real mean? May I kindly suggest that during hallucinations, make a video of them with your smartphone to prove to friends and family that you’re not going completely nuts.

If you see something weird, say something weird.

Latini Calhoun, who is known in our corporate office park as having periodic flashbacks to rock concerts from yesteryear has these thinkings on the matter:

How do you really know if all your perceptions aren’t actually hallucinations? What I’ve found to help is trying to interact with your hallucinations in a simple state of wakeful dreaming. Always remember during National Hallucination Day Month: Hallucinations are as real as your dreams which are as real as your own reality!

Dr. Lilianna Touch of our Human Resources department, also happens to be a licensed hallucinationologist. She believes that having visions without any follow-up action is a hallucination wasted, so therefore act on your visions to reduce your number of hallucinations while increasing the quantity and quality of your visions.

All the letters in hallucination can spell Italiano Lunch, which is kind of pictured here.

Bottom line: During National Hallucination Day Month, when you have to choose between two valid hallucinations, chose the one that best fits the incoming data of your own personal reality in that space time.

Ironically, all of the letters in Luciana Hilton, Latini Calhoun, and Lilianna Touch can be re-arranged to spell: Hallucination!

The Pope Is Encouraging Catholics To Read The Back Of The Bible

Don’t forget to read the back of The Bible.

Vaticano, Italy – After first decreeing that there is no hell to worry about, now in a rather bold move, Pope Francis (aka Jorge Bergoglio) is telling all his sinful Catholic followers to read the back of the Bible.

The Pope’s own words, which were immediately translated into forty languages:

“Once you finish reading the Bible from front to back, then take time to also read the back of the Bible, as I often do, while letting The Holy Spirit speak to you.”

Pope Francis, while channeling God’s message, also mentioned that the back of The Bible is way after the bibliography, which should also be read, and then reflected upon while sipping some wine.

Another additional tip mentioned in The Vatican Magazine is when reading The Bible, one can glean additional secret messages from God by reading between the lines, and also by using The Bible as a pillow whilst one sleepeth.

Fargo Man Promises If He Wins Lottery Jackpot, He’ll Give Everyone In Fargo One Dollar

If I win, you also will win!

Fargo, ND – In a magnanimous gesture of possible future generosity, a long-time Fargo resident has vowed to give everyone living in Fargo one dollar if and when he wins a lottery jackpot.

Roy Alleen Overdorf in his own words:

I, Roy Alleen Overdorf, do hereby swear on a brand new stack of unread Bibles, that if and when I win a very large multi-million dollar lottery jackpot, I will personally give to each and every living human Fargo resident, one U.S. dollar, so help me God.

As you can imagine, many folks we talked to about this amazing development are obviously hoping and praying that Mr. Overdorf soon wins a lottery jackpot, not so much for his gain, but more so for their own greedy profit.

As you can also probably imagine, all of the letters in Roy Alleen Overdorf can be randomly tumbled into spelling: Dollar For Everyone!

Prince Harry And Meghan Markle Moving To Moorhead Minnesota To Live A Normal Life

Baby Archie is looking forward to attending school in Moorhead.

Moorhead, MN – The bad news is things are not going well for Prince Harry and his wife and child while living in England.

The good news is that Harry, Meghan Markle, and their baby Archie will soon be moving to Moorhead, Minnesota in search of “a normal life”.

Prince Harry’s relationship with his brother William has devolved into an internecine war while the Duchess of Sussex is under constant negative media scrutiny in England.

Meghan Markle, who once enjoyed visiting a friend in Moorhead, decided the royal couple wants baby Archie to grow up in a nice, friendly, normal community like Moorhead.

Meghan also likes Moorhead because it doesn’t have a newspaper but does have an airport.

Prince Harry may want to build a castle in Moorhead for his family, along with a moat…with a boat.