Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Fargo Facing Severe Clown Shortage

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Bozo says the only thing funny about a shortage of clowns is the clowns.

Fargo, ND – While our country is experiencing a national clown shortage, Fargo’s clown shortage is in the severe-to-extreme category. Circus folk have been warning for years that a clown shortage was looming on the horizon but everyone just laughed it off as a joke. Now it seems like it’s just as hard to find a good clown as it is to find an honest politician.

Uncle Peepers, who’s the president of Clown College, says this unprecedented shortage is the result of a perfect storm. He explains: “Sadly, as older clowns fade away, we aren’t seeing a lot of new clowns to replace them. Some clowns have retired to the Funny Farm. Many are making phone calls from their horizontal phone booth. And others, like Al Franken, are jumping ship and going into politics.”

Dr. Funny Bones, who heads up Clowns International Association (CIA), concurs with Uncle Peepers. Dr. Funny Bones believes there’s been a declining interest in clowning because of new regulations that have resulted in much higher standards for the jokesters. “Clowning just isn’t cool anymore. Once the governments started getting involved, it took most of the fun out of it” says Dr. Funny Bones.

To deal with Fargo’s severe shortage of clowns, local leaders want to host a Clown Convention this summer in Island Park. George Looney, Fargo’s Director of Fun & Games, came up with the conventional idea as a way to possibly recruit a clown or two to choose Fargo as their home. Mr. Looney says that quite a few nationally known clowns have shown an interest in attending, including: Bozo, Cupcake, Dimples, Bubbles, Zero, Smiley, Sparkles, Mr. Whiskers, Lulu, Sunshine, Chuckles, Polka Dot, Ruffles, Jazzy, and Bingo.

If you have a good idea for how Fargo can attract more clowns to the area, please contact the Fargo City Commission, so they can discuss this important subject at an upcoming meeting.

Johnnny’s 100th Post Retrospective

My first one hundred posts. Pretty soon I can build a fence.

My first 100 posts. Now I can build a fence.

Since 100 is such a nice round number, I decided to use the occasion of my 100th post to take a trip down memory lane. It’s time to look back on my first 99 posts on FMObserver.

All posts are listed as hyperlinks in chronological order. About half of them will have a bonus link indicated as “(pic)” which will show the post’s associated picture, in its full glory. Enjoy!

1. Young Local Chess Master Has Big Plans
2. Cat Receiving Monthly Social Security Checks
3. Tom Cruise Certain Scientology Not A Hoax
4. Sam Houston Having Nightmares About Bison
5. Lunatics Banned From Washington DC
6. Gay Love Donkeys To Be Married
7. Boeing 787 Is (Almost) A Dream Machine
8. Dr. Finance Answer$ Your Money Question$
9. Elmo Charged With DUI and Public Disturbance (pic)
10. Fargo To Build System Of Tunnel Roads (pic)
11. Professional Pie Shoppe Franchise Opportunity (pic)
12. New Flashcards Make Learning Chinese Easy
13. Dog Show Winner Actually A Polar Bear! (pic)
14. State Insane Asylum Reopens Due To High Demand (pic)
15. Dr. Finance Answer$ Another $tupid Que$tion
16. Downtown Fargo To Have Permanent Alcohol Checkpoints (pic)
17. New Jersey Governor Making Fat Be Cool (pic)
18. VooDoo Sun Doctor To Fix Global Warming (pic)
19. Start Your Own Bucket List Club
20. Fargodome Target Of Wacko Protest Group
21. Fargo To Legalize Pot Holes (pic)
22. Barbara Walters Being Retired To A Stud Farm
23. Missing Artwork Has Authorities Perplexed (pic)
24. Winter Storm Xerxes Anger & Danger
25. New Barcode Causing Nausea & Vertigo (pic)
26. Many Restaurants Starting To Go Glutton-Free (pic)
27. Washington Redskins Name Change Contest
28. Learn To Count Just Like Indians (pic)
29. Time Traveler To Speak In Fargo 14 Months Ago (pic)
30. President Attacked By Young Tea Party Organizer (pic)
31. How To Say A Useful Phrase In 10 Languages (pic)
32. Timberlake Concert Cancelled, Replaced By Barrel O’ Monkeys (pic)
33. Goat-Boat Woman To Challenge The Mississippi (pic)
34. Area Cats Tripping On Acid (pic)
35. Are You A Loser?
36. Math Class Replaced By Black Jack Studies
37. New Bridge Freaking Some People Out (pic)
38. New Multi-Bike Is What’s Hot This Summer
39. Jail To Offer Square Dancing As Threat Or Bribe
40. Government Spy Birds Are Watching You
41. Paula Deen Dropped From Human Race
42. Red River Valley Fair Freak Show
43. FM Observer Wins Best Website Award
44. Google To Image Inside Of All Homes
45. White Man To Marry Black Bear (pic)
46. Obama To Take Over Leno’s Tonight Show
47. Russian 2014 Olympics To Be Celebration Of Gayness
48. An Interview With Vice President Dan Quayle
49. Hot New 2-Man White Rap Group Busts A Move
50. Pink Eye SuperBug Is Highly Contagious (pic)
51. New Government Board Game: The Red Line
52. FMO Interviews The Queen Of England (pic)
53. Time To Vote For the Worst In The FM Area
54. How To Get Rid Of Man Boobs
55. Local Artist Unveils New Masterpiece (pic)
56. Local Cemeteries To Double As Paintball Parks (pic)
57. Jodie Foster Admits To Being Part Alien (pic)
58. Government Healthcare Bullies Americans Into Giant SNAFU
59. Flamingo Union To Go On Strike (pic)
60. Santa’s Warning Letter To Naughty Children
61. New Trans-Sexual Hair Salon Opens In Moorhead
62. Downer Changing Its Name To Xanax (pic)
63. How To Build An Underground Bunker (pic)
64. Red River Diversion On Hold Due To Analysis Paralysis (pic)
65. Kangaroo Boxing Coming To Fargo (pic)
66. West Fargo Teacher Stung By A Sting Operation (pic)
67. Snoopy Banned From Parade For Using Inhalants (pic)
68. OBAMACAR: If You Like Your Car, You Can Keep Your Car (pic)
69. Coach Bohl To Become Pastor Bohl
70. FM Observer Invites Russians To Bookmark Our Website
71. McDonald’s To Introduce Two New Sandwiches
72. Get Your Ass To The Moon Soon
73. Results From Our Year-End Photo Caption Contest!
74. Do You Know Whose Mouth This Is?
75. Quarterback Aaron Rodgers Denies That He Denied Being Gay
76. Priceless Document Eaten By Fargo Dog
77. Dr. Fenster Helps Answer Some Baby Questions
78. Fargo Proud To Be Named Drunkest City In America
79. Breaking Bad Creating New Crop Of Chemists
80. North Korean Glee Club To Tour America (pic)
81. New Events Being Added To Winter Olympics
82. FM Observer Asks: How Fricking Cold Is It? (pic)
83. Justin Beaver Pleads Drunk To All Charges
84. New FDA Drug Approved For Your Sick Dog (pic)
85. Maui Parrot-Fish Learns To Speak Fluent Underwater English (pic)
86. Super Bowl Pizzas Delivered By Drones (pic)
87. Four Easy Steps To Self-Hypnotic Bliss (pic)
88. Free Personalized Valentine’s Day Gift Ideas
89. All-Candy Diet Promoted By Candy Companies (pic)
90. UFO Sighting In North Dakota Caught On Camera (pic)
91. The Queen Of England Wants Stonehenge Moved To Buckingham Palace
92. Help Fargo Police Investigate Convenience Store Robbery
93. Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll (pic)
94. FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering (pic)
95. Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games (pic)
96. New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims (pic)
97. Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming
98. Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle (pic)
99. FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team (pic)
100. (pic)

FMO Welcomes Its First Robot Writer To The Team

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Glen-1000 is working all day (and all night) for you.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is proud to announce that it’s added its first robot writer to our growing staff.

Humanoids still play an important role in the creation of well-written cutting-edge news stories, but robot writers are quickly proving their value in today’s fast-paced world.

While the rest of our team is fast asleep, FMO’s new robot writer, whose name is Glen-1000, never needs to take a break, except for maybe an occasional drop of oil to an elbow or wrist.

While everyone else is perhaps complaining about not getting paid or venting about Obamacare, Glen-1000 types away with total focus on the task at hand.

If you have any story ideas for Glen-1000, he is looking for lots of work to keep him busy.

When asked what Glen-1000 thinks about all this, here was his response:

<begin> Happy to be on the ship with FM Observer dot com <break> Fargo Moorhead seems like an adequate place to exist <break> Hopefully my advanced programming brings pleasure when you read my words <break> Glen-1000 is ready to multi-task for you so contact me day or night <break> If your brain produces an idea for a story, Glen-1000 will research, write, and post all pertinent information in a timely fashion <break> I am Glen-1000, the most advanced RoboWriter in the world….until Glen-2000 comes along <terminate>

Rust Bucket Becomes FMO’s New Corporate Vehicle

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The FM Observer unveils its new armored vehicle.

Fargo, ND – Since the FM Observer recently went public with its IPO, we made another important executive decision: to purchase our official corporate vehicle.

Consider this post as the unveiling of our new FM Observer-mobile. It may look like a RustBucket to some, but believe us when we say it is a veritable fortress on wheels. We call it “The Tank”.

But don’t think we bought it for our own pleasure and aggrandizement. We bought it for YOU! So that we can better serve YOU, our faithful readers.

Yes, The Tank will certainly help us get from Point A to Point B, but Point B might just be your front door. Now, if there’s a hot story in your neck of the woods that you want us to cover, just give us a call and watch for The Tank to show up.

Now, if we’re under fire from certain questionable articles we’ve written, look for us to be hiding out In The Tank. And we’re not just doing it for our own personal protection. No, we’re doing it for YOU, so that we can survive, to live another day, in order to bring YOU more important articles about the issues that YOU believe in.

(But if as a bonus, The Tank turns out to be a majorly fun Party Barge, that would obviously be some sweet icing on the cake, and we would not have a problem with that.)

Alarmists Say Rising Spring Temps Evidence Of Global Warming

Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Temperatures are on the rise due to Spring global warming.

Globe Village, MA – Global Warmers are pointing to rising temperatures in the northern hemisphere as proof positive of deadly Global Warming.

What about the southern hemisphere?

Dr. Julian Zellus of the Global Warming Alarm Centre (GWAC) answers: “No, we are only talking about above the equator, for now. And what we are seeing is a rapid increase in average temperatures. We believe this is quite indicative of a very serious Global Warming problem caused by a build-up of toxic carbon dioxide in the atmosphere.”

Unverified statistics coming out of GWAC show there can be no denying that temperatures are on the rise. Numbers strongly indicate that after a record cold winter, the average temperatures across the country are shooting up an astounding 20-30 degrees in just one month. Dr. Zellus nervously suspects: “As the snow melts due to sudden rising temperatures, water levels will begin to rise in lakes and oceans, just as we’ve been predicting.”

What can be done to stop the pending total destruction of the world?

The Global Warming Alarm Centre is pushing for the creation of a hefty new world-wide Global Warming tax. All proceeds from this tax would go directly to GWAC to study this critical problem. But first, they would have to build their posh new Super Center Alarm Megaplex (or SCAM) which will have its own private airport: The Albert Gore Jr. International Global Warming Airport.

New York Sinkhole Continues To Swallow Victims

"Sinkhole to Hell" has a voracious appetite.

“Sinkhole to Hell” has a voracious appetite.

New York, NY – It started out as just a small pothole. Then it became a bigger pothole. Then it became one of the seven great wonders of New York.

A sinkhole the size of a New York intersection opened up in midtown Manhattan. Some call it the Hole To Hell. Some call it a death trap.

Rocco Pisano, who is in charge of Street Maintenance for the City of New York says: “Forget about it. We might just have to live with it.”

Nobody knows exactly how deep the sinkhole goes or how they would go about trying to fill it. Respected sinkhole expert Dr. Dennis Joska explains that “some of these stinkin’ holes can go down a frickin’ mile, and they really piss me off.”

In the meantime, New York shoppers and commuters (and taxi cab drivers) will have to steer clear of this deep problem. Rocco admits: “We don’t know zactly how many people or cars have been swallowed up by this monster of a hole. But we do know that more and more people go missing everyday!”

Blind Bowler Bowls Back-To-Back Perfect Games

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After he bowled a perfect 300 game, he went ahead and did it again!

Fargo, ND – You would have had to see it to believe it. Mr. Walter Lane of rural North Dakota bowled two perfect games in a row after entering a tournament on a dare.

His wife of fifty years, Edna Lane, dared him on a whim, to enter an upcoming bowling tournament “just for the heck of it”.

Of course neither Walter nor Edna expected much from it because Walter has been legally blind ever since Edna dared him to stare at the sun some years back. About that, Walter explains: “Well, I s’pose I shouldn’t have done it, but after she dared me, I went ahead and did it anyways. Wasn’t too smart, I guess.”

In spite of being blind, Walter somehow put together two perfect games of bowling. Bowling alley manager and retired bowling professsional Jim St. John recounts: “After throwing 12 straight strikes for the first 300 game, Walter proceeded to do the exact same thing again for his second perfect game. I could not believe my eyes!”

Asked what he plans on trying next, Walter responded: “I think we’ll give trap shooting a go, don’t cha know.”

FM Observer Goes Corporate With Initial Public Offering

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Buy FMO low, sell high. Then move to Hawaii.

Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is taking its paper to Wall Street. FM Observer (FMO) stock is slated to open at $3.141559265359/share next week. Here’s a Q&A the FM Observer did with Nick Hirchert about the upcoming IPO and how he plans to use it to get us all rich as hell.

FMO: Nick, can I call you Nick?
Nick: No, you may not.

FMO: Nick, is it true that FMO is going public?
Nick:  It is! We are taking the Observer to Wall street with our Initial Public Offering.

FMO: How exciting is this for you?
Nick:  On a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being the most excited? We want to be rich like Doc Brown from Back to the Future so we can travel into the future & do a bunch of articles about stuff that hasn’t yet happened. Then we can retire forever.

FMO: Do you plan on donating all your profits to charity?
Nick:  We will assign one charity per future-article. Each article that gets future-posted will hopefully generate enough stock dividends to fulfill the financial needs of its respective charity until the end of time.

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FMO: Will you have a board of directors?
Nick:  Yes. I have appointed a board of directors.

FMO: Are any women or minorities possibly going to be on the board? Any midgets?
Nick:  The FMO Board of Directors is comprised of memes. Fictitious characters. Among them are: Douchebag Lumbergh, What if I Told You Morpheus and Conspiracy Keanu.

FMO: Where will your corporate headquarters be located?
Nick:  Corporate Headquarters is located in West Fargo, just off of I-94 near Sheyenne Street.

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FMO: How rich do you see yourself becoming?
Nick:  Wealthy enough to fly a Delorean into the year 2050 to compose 10,000 articles while aging in reverse as time counts backwards to 2014. You see, when you travel through time, you age substantially, directly proportional to the amount of years through which you travel. Ergo, concurrently, from the minute you arrive into your future year, you immediately begin de-aging as time simultaneously regresses into your initial host year. Vis-a-vis, concurrently, returning back from whence you came with the same eyeballs and hairline, but unfortunately, a completely different space time continuum.

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FMO: With all due respect, do you believe there’s enough pent-up demand for FMO stock to affect the earnings per share ratio?
Nick:  America is full of pent-up demand. Have you seen the comments sections of various other websites? Absolutely riddled with pent-up demand.

FMO: For stocks in general, do you agree that a double bottom’s pivot is usually the same price at the middle peak?
Nick:  Yes. If you turn on your pivot foot down low for a jump shot, release the ball at your jump’s peak.

FMO: No need to get snippy. Are you dog friendly?
Nick:  Quite.

FMO: Quite yes, or quite no?
Nick:  I happen to live with movie star Daniel Day-Lewis. He is currently in full character as a method actor for his next movie in which he plays a dog.

FMO: C’mon. Don’t bullshit me. Would you describe yourself as half empty or half full?
Nick:  My body is 75% water, 5% bonehead and 20% baloney.

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FMO: Where do you see yourself in 100 years?
Nick:  As time travel proliferates and the proportions of aging and de-aging become limitless, I truly have no earthly idea.

FMO: Thank you for granting us this frank interview. Any final thoughts that you’d like to share with us?
Nick:  Yes. In the year 2193, there is a great disruption in the 17th Matrix. One of you brings a fully-cooked Hot Pocket through an equilateral time vortex, causing an irreparable tear in the Matrix and a critical disruption in the space time continuum. So please, stop buying Hot Pockets for Pete’s sake.

Williston Overcrowding & Lack Of Housing Taking Its Toll

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For every person who finds an apartment, 199 others can not.

Williston, ND – With too many people looking for too little housing, folks in Williston, North Dakota are starting to reach their breaking point.

Because of the North Dakota oil boom, monthly rent in Williston is now the highest in the country.

Sadly, for every apartment, there are 200 people seeking a home where they can hang their hat.

Mayor Bob Cobb says: “It’s like trying to play ketchup but you never can quite catch up. It’s very frustrating as more and more people continue to roll into town.”

Professional psychologist René Magritte describes it this way: “The competition for housing is ferocious. For those that do get an apartment, not only is it extremely expensive, but you look out your window only to see all the people that wish they were you. It reminds me of the original Star Trek episode called The Mark Of Gideon in which a planet was so overcrowded that it was like Bombay on steroids.”

Help Fargo Police Investigate Convenience Store Robbery

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Whodunnit?

Fargo, ND – During a recent police investigation, Chief Inspector Ripley interviewed five possible suspects in the robbery of a local Kum & Go convenience store.

One fact that was known for certain: each suspect was telling exactly one lie.

From their statements below, can you use the power of deductive logical thinking to help the police investigators determine which suspect robbed the Kum & Go?

Here are the statements from the five suspects:

Angel said: It wasn’t Elizabeth. It was Brandi.
Brandi said: It wasn’t Cheri. It wasn’t Elizabeth.
Cheri said: It was Elizabeth. It wasn’t Angel.
Dolly said: It was Cheri. It was Brandi.
Elizabeth said: It was Dolly. It wasn’t Angel.

Anyone who submits the correct answer might be entered into a fairly random drawing to possibly win either a $5 gift certificate to Kum & Go, or win a frozen box of Philly Steak* Hot Pockets.

Good luck and thank you for assisting local crime-fighters in solving yet another in a long series of convenience store burglaries.

*Nestlé USA, the company that produces Hot Pockets, announced last week that it is voluntarily recalling an unspecified number of ”Philly Steak” and ”Croissant Crust Philly Steak and Cheese” Hot Pockets in certain sizes as part of a larger meat recall.

Hint to solving the crime: Only one of Brandi’s statements is true.