Tag Archives: fighting sioux

UND Football Team Adds Moose As Running Back To Roster In Effort To Beat The Bison

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‘The Moose’ is a great running back but does sometimes have a problem holding on to the football.

Grand Forks, ND – In a last ditch effort to topple the NDSU Bison football team, the UND former Fighting Sioux have enlisted the help of an almost unstoppable running back.

As you might expect, his name is Bullwinkle and the scouting report on him says this running back is extremely hard to catch, contain, and tackle!

Bullwinkle (‘The Moose’ as his teammates affectionately call him) is believed to be from the Moose Jaw River area way up there in Saskatchewan, eh?

Coach says his coaching staff is very high on Bullwinkle and are hoping he can help bring the former Fighting Sioux a Nickel Trophy win against the mooseless Bison team.

​Wealthy Benefactor Offers Conditional Money For Two Red River Valley Counties

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King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus

Las Vegas, NV – King Poladian Cordeiro of Cyprus has announced a conditional offering of very large sums of money for two lucky counties in the Red River Valley of the North.

King Cordeiro of Cyprus is offering Cass County $1 Billion for building the Red River Diversion project.

However, the Diversion project must be completely finished by October 31, 2021 or Cass County will owe the King twice his offer.

Separately, Poladian Cordeiro is offering Grand Forks County $500 Million if they can get UND’s team name changed back to the Fighting Sioux by January 1, 2021.

When asked why these generous offers for North Dakota, Poladian Cordeiro explained that he loves the movie Fargo, and he used to play hockey for UND.

Emergency Counselors Now Available For Problematic Family Situations

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We here at FECES are here to help you. Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services to the rescue!

Moorhead, MN – Summer means fun and family getogethers which can also lead to domestic disharmonies.

A new governMental agency called Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) is now here to help with an alphabet of problems including: altercations, brawls, conflicts, debates, eruptions, and fights.

If some serious disharmony breaks out during a gathering in your garage, at your lake cabin, or in a restaurant, just call Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) and they will professionally take care of your fecal matter.

When the shit hits the fan after the conversation turns to politics, climate change, or even gender fluidity, remember to immediately contact Family Emergency Counseling Extra Services (or FECES) to make sure everything comes out well in the end.

Woman Suing Hot Sauce For Being Too Hot

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How hot is too hot?

Hot Springs, SD – An angry elderly woman is suing the makers of a hot sauce called The Ghost for being too darn hot!

Ms. Osucha Hogsett claims that after putting just a small portion of The Ghost hot sauce on her enchilada, she burned her mouth quite badly.

Her litigious attorney, whose name is Bhut Jolokia, says that Osucha now cannot taste anything besides the hot sauce, and her mouth is swollen up like a partially deflated basketball.

Ms. Hogsett and Mr. Jolokia are seeking $4.3 million for both pain and suffering, along with some punitive damages just for good measure.

How does this make you feel? Hot and bothered? Boiling mad? Does it hit your hot button? Should Osucha Hosett strike while the iron’s hot?

Ironically, all the letters in Osucha Hogsett can hotly be re-arranged to spell: Ghost Hot Sauce!

Heidi Heitkamp And Kevin Cramer Agree To Three UFC-Style Octagon Fights

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Will octagon fighting between candidates become the new normal? Tune in to find out.

Bismarck, ND – Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer, who are both fighting for the same Senate seat, will meet three times prior to the election in order to help undecided voters make their choice.

Their campaigns have agreed that these three meetings will each be a UFC-style fight held within a fenced octagon in which there basically are no rules.

North Dakota is possibly the first state to have their candidates engage in octagon fighting, instead of the normal (and boring) debate setting where they answer questions whilst standing at a podium and sip water for an hour.

These three exciting octagon fights between Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer are expected to be watched by people all across the country, not only because of the importance of the race but also because of the uniqueness of their encounters.

Pope Clarifies: There Is A Hell, Otherwise Known As Grand Forks

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The Pope now says God is telling him to tell us that there is a Hell and sinners don’t just disappear upon death.

Vaticano, Italy – The Pope admits God may have had it wrong when telling the Pope that there is no Hell.

When asked recently about his comments that sinners just disappear and that there is no Hell, The Pope is now saying there still might actually be a Hell and it also goes by the name of Grand Forks.

FMO: Mister Pope, is this your personal opinion or did you hear it directly from God on your Godphone?

The Pope: This is newly updated information from God which comes to me during prayer through my internal connection to God.

We then asked Grand Forks about the Pope’s latest papal clarification:

FMO: Why do you think The Pope is picking on Grand Forks to the point of calling it Hell?

GFS: We have no idea why Grand Forks is being likened to Hell but perhaps this is somehow related to us formerly being called the Fighting Sioux. Someone needs to tell The Pope we changed our name. It’s now the Backdoor Lumberjacks.

New UND Mascot Needs A Name!

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You know my name. Say it! Say my name!

Grand Forks, UND – It’s time once again to put on your politically correct thinking caps to help name UND’s chosen mascot.

The winner of the mascot naming contest could possibly win a trip to Grand Forks (and the second place award would be two trips to Grand Forks).

You can leave your mascot name idea as a comment or email it to us at: fmobserver@gmail.com

Or, you can just vote for one of the following ten choices which have all been graciously pre-approved by the NCAA:

Choice X1: Flippy
Choice X2: Flip, The Bird
Choice X3: Fighting Sue
Choice Y1: Suzie
Choice Y2: Sioux-Z
Choice Y3: Beak
Choice Z1: Hawkeye 2.0
Choice Z2: ​T​he Bird
Choice Z3: P.C.
Choice Z4: Mascot

If voting for an NCAA pre-approved name, please use its official Choice Code (ie: X2) and also include a reason or nostalgic story why you think this should be the wiener. How will I know if I won? The UND mascot will land on your roof and fly you to Grand Forks for the swearing-in ceremony, after which you will be a guest in its nest.

Downtown Fargo Adding Another Bar In An Attempt To Increase Crime And Number Of Drunks

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Downtown Fargo needs more bars to truly be considered a bona fide Drunkfest.

Fargo, ND – As if there wasn’t already enough crime and drunks in the Downtown Fargo area, the addition of a new bar should get those social parameters up to acceptable levels.

Instead of adding much-needed parking spaces, the presence of a brand new bar called Cobweb Jocks will provide Downtown Fargo with the amount of crime and number of drunks it seeks to become a world-class party locale.

“Just like going to a hockey game, what people enjoy the most is seeing drunken fights late at night,” says one late-night bloody-nosed drunk guy who just got done being in a fight.

Coupled with the fact that the Fargo Police headquarters is being relocated from Downtown Fargo to two miles west, people who have chosen to live in Downtown Fargo will soon be nicely surprised by the additional amount of exciting late-night activity happening in their hip-hop hot spot.

Tsunami False Alarm Issued For State Of North Dakota

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The legendary state of North Dakota receives its first ever Tsunami Warning.

Bismarck, ND – Even though it did seem a bit odd at the time, a Tsunami Warning was issued for the entire state of North Dakota.

Without thinking, many folks in North Dakota did have a panicky knee-jerk reaction to the warning, which read: “Tsunami Alert – Listen To Radio: This is not a test!”

Lester Schnopgaard told us that after getting his entire family up onto their roof, he then began to wonder: “Hey, how could a tsunami hit North Dakota, and where the heck would the water be coming from?”

Most people who tuned into the radio only heard some country music or a night-time discussion about how aliens have taken over the White House.

About 28 minutes after the Tsunami Warning was issued, it was then cancelled, which was a huge relief to Lester Schnopgaard and the entire state of North Dakota.

Fargo Man Suing Hospital For Mistakenly Removing His Novanoid

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Now I gots to go thru life with no-vanoid.

Fargo, ND – After having his novanoid removed erroneously by a distracted surgeon, Donovan Ion is lawyering up to sioux the hospital.

The surgeon-at-fault admits he may have been sexting during the botched operation but veinly consoles by saying not having a novanoid taint the end of the world.

Since the hospital in question clearly lacks plausible deniability, Donovan Ion’s attorney is smelling money all the way to the bank while gathering evidence such as his client’s former novanoid.

Ironically, all the letters in Donovan Ion can be re-arranged to spell: No Novanoid!