Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

President-Elect Joe Biden Vows To Make Hudge Fund Managers Take Extredable Cuts

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The Old Joe-ker has spoken!

Dem Aware, Delaware – After Old Joe Biden ostensibly slurred through his presidential kick-off speech, he was already considered to be the 2020 President-Elect.

To those foolable pundits who thought The Joe-ker slurred through his speech, they be wrong! Old clever Joe was simply talkin’ casual style, with a nice relaxed drawl, to put his listeners at ease. The Joe-ker was just tryin’ to be more relate-able to all the commonfolk out there!

Old Joe said he don’t want Obama to endorse him. The Joe-ker don’t even want nobody to endorse him, cuz Old Joe Biden want to do it all on his own, like a commonfolk kinda guy.

The clear front-runner of all Democratics runnin’ for president wants to do four things to better the country:
1. Old Joe promises to lead the Hate Trump bandwagon.
2. Make all those rich hudge fund managers take extredable cuts to their celery.
3. Hit the campaign trail to start listenin’ to all the commonfolk, touch their shoulders, and smell their hair.

Directions To Our FMO Corporate Headquarters For Reader Meet-N-Greet Parties

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Our FMO Corporate Office Park can be reached from almost anywhere!

West Fargo, ND – In appreciation of our beloved and faithful readers, your FM Observer will be hosting a sensational series of Reader Meet-N-Greets during each of the upcoming weekends.

Expensively fine free food will continually be served by our very own French Chef Jean-Claude Sorbonne including Loony Lobster Bisque, Polar Bear Patty Burgers, Midwest Carp Casserole, Red Rum Spicy Pie, and old-fashioned Butterscotch Pudding.

Fabulous door prizes will include: A vintage Vespa scooter, valuable paintings by Amsterdam Douglass, Get-out-of-Jail cards, one-way trips To Grand Forks, unopened cans of Spam, breeding pairs of Sugar Gliders, autographed and framed pictures of Dr. Willy Nilly, and lots more!

Live Music will be provided by The Double Negatives.

Amazingly accurate fortune tellings will be performed by Precog!

How to get to FMO Headquarters from almost anywhere: Turn right at the next light, drive 4.2 miles until you see a small house on a corner, turn left, and then simply follow our welcome signs. Enjoy! And thanks for reading the FM Observer ☺

Further Funding For “Fort Fargo” Finally Finds Feasible Financial Footing

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A rare look inside the main bunker of Fort Fargo.

Fargo, ND – What many have been fighting for for forty four fruitless fortnights may soon finish with fruitional finality.

The remains of Fort Fargo, which was originally built at the beginning of Fargo’s war with Moorhead, will officially become a preserved historical site, right next to a major museum honoring those who fought in this famous battle.

Those who have been fighting for funding for the Fort Fargo Museum & Historical Site raised glasses to toast that the North Dakota Legislature finally voted in favor of committing public funds to this worthy project.

After a nearly fourteen year debate, the N.D. House voted to use forty million dollars from a combination of the state treasury and loans from the Bank of North Dakota to financially fund the costs of Fort Fargo.

If you feel that you have any historical artifacts possibly from the Fargo/Moorhead War that should be included in the new F/M War Museum, please contact the Fort Fargo Foundation for further instructions on what to do and how to do it.

House-Warming Gift Ideas For The West Fargo And Fargo Area

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Hi! Welcome to the neighborhood!

West Fargo, ND – If a new couple has just moved into your neighborhood, within the first two weeks after they’ve arrived, you should definitely show up unannounced at their front door during normal visiting hours, with a few nice house-warming presents.

This will not only satisfy all your curiosities about what your new neighbors are like, but will also allow them to get a good first impression of you and some of your idiosyncrasies.

Showing up without any sort of present is very gauche! Because you are expecting your new neighbors to invite you in for snacks and coffee or beer, having some sort of gift is certainly mandatory.

Specifically for the Fargo and West Fargo area, here are some great ideas for good house-warming gifts:

☺ A Trump-scented candle to make America smell great again
☺ Any animal about to be euthanized at the Humane Society
☺ A list of all your phone numbers and email addresses
☺ A box of doggy treats for canine family members
☺ A partially redacted copy of the Mueller Report
☺ A variety pack of different colored duct tapes
☺ A framed autographed picture of yourself
☺ An extra-large (unopened) bottle of booze
☺ An old Bible from any second-hand store
☺ A living, breeding pair of Sugar Gliders
☺ A brand new submersible sump pump
☺ A few of your favorite hotdish recipes
☺ Season tickets to Bison football
☺ Any Michael Bolton CDs
☺ A few memory lanterns

Typo Insurance Company To Offer Typo Insurance

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Skool is Shcool :o)

Grand Froks, ND – A new insurance company named Typo Insurance Company is now offering insurance for typos that may have seriously expensive consequences.

Company president Ms. Courtney Spina says: “We saw a need in society and are simply trying to phill that knead.”

President Spina points out some good examples of bad typos for which they have paid out insurance claims:

1. Numerous SHCOOL crossings 🙁

2. A big welcome sign that said: Welcome to GRAND FROKS!

Good books begin with a pee-face.

3. Large orders of shirts for the FORGO FARCE hockey team.

4. A massive printing of books that began with a PEEFACE (instead of a preface).

If you suffer from typophobia, give Typo Insurance Company a call and ask for a quote, such as: “You drink to much!”

Ironically, all the letters in Courtney Spina can be re-arranged to spell: Typo Insurance!

Notre-Dame Church Fire In Paris May Have Been Sparked By Lone Cigarette Butt

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“A mighty flame followeth a tiny spark.” –Dante

Paris, France – The historically tragic fire at the 800 year old Notre-Dame cathedral may have been caused a single cigarette butt.

This Gothic jewel that took about 100 years to build starting back in 1163, suffered serious damage from a large blaze that could possibly be traced back to a single sparking of some attic dust by a restoration worker’s “mégot de cigarette”.

Even though the policy for restoration workers of discarding cigarettes into water bottles is strictly followed, one tiny ember may have accidentally fallen into a soft bed of dust and gone undetected long enough to ignite a giant catastrophe.

After rebuilding the famous Notre-Dame cathedral, signs will be placed throughout the church saying “Merci De Ne Pas Fumer!”

West Fargo’s Three Lions Pub: The History Of Its Name

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The Three Lions Pub is now back to its original name thanks to a dentist from Minneapolis.

West Fargo, ND – One of the finest pubs in the region is conveniently located on 13th Avenue in eastern West Fargo.

Its name is the Three Lions Pub which has become the den where many local lions like to roar, hang out, drink beer, and consume proper English food.

Regarding their unique name:

It began as Three Lions Pub until a dentist from Minneapolis shot one of the lions, so it was then renamed the Two Lions Pub.

Happily, the two remaining lions had three cubs, and the pub was then renamed the Five Lions Pub.

Sadly, after two of the grown cubs were shot by the same dentist from Minneapolis, it once again reverted back to its original name: Three Lions Pub.

Some Are Now Questioning If The Moorhead Interchange Planning Was Subpar

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“What could have been fairly simple somehow ended up being extremely complicated and confusing.”

East Fargo, MN – After having used it for a while now, many are seriously scratching their heads while wondering what the hell went wrong during the early planning stages of the I-94 interchange at Moorhead’s Eighth Street.

One of the main comments we hear over and over is that there seems to be too many random roads running in seemingly random directions which makes the aerial map of this intersection look like cracks in a shattered windshield.

One possible reason for the obvious subpar planning could be that a new (but untested) computer function called “Random Suggestion” was used (too much) by traffic planners in what insiders refer to as “splashing the plan”.

Luckily, Moorhead’s quadruple diverging diamond interstate interchange only cost the taxpayers about $14,000,000 and it does seem to work rather well for those who have used it enough to become familiar with its plethora of peculiarities.

Lucky Local Mormon Groom Successfully Marries Identical Twin Sister Brides

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Plurality is reality.

East Fargo, ND – April means floods and also the official beginning of wedding season!

One of the first weddings of the year turned out to be a real doozy: In true Mormon fashion, Lorenzo Snow entered into eternal matrimony with Josetta and Yosetta Pettibone, who are identical twin sisters from Pettibone, ND.

In true Mormon fashion, the multi-marriage was solemnized and sealed by temple covenant. During the bonding ordinance, wedding music was provided by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

Polygamy (or polygyny) is arguably legal if practiced under the umbrella of religious freedom of expression. A Mormon plural marriage is kosher as long as it is directly authorized by revelation from God through the living prophet.

Lorenzo Snow and his wives will live as Pettibone ruralists while being marriage pluralists and studying to be massage therapists.

What you’re probably thinking is that plurality in its totality has a personality of normality as long as a formality gives it the legality of morality in the commonality of a technicality.

After being bonded by temple covenant, wedding reception dance music was provided by the Seer Stones.

Dear FMO: How Can We Create A Quagmire On Our Property?

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Email Dr. Pete Bogg any questions you may have about landscaping or gardening.

Quamba, Minnesota – Ms. Geri Quam emailed our gardening and landscape specialist a great question: How can I create a green quagmire on our Minnesota lake property in order to provide some wetlands for animals and help save the Earth?

Dr. Pete Bogg who headquarters out of our corporate office park says: Dear Geri Quam, I commend you on your desire to create a quagmire on your property.

If done correctly, you will provide vital habitat for beavers, otters, turtles, mink, and maybe even some muskrat love. If done wrong, you might end up with an entangled imbroglio which could possibly even border on a muddled Minnesota morass.

To keep it very simple, in order to create a healthy quagmire, start out by taking some good-looking mire, and then to it add a healthy dose of quag. I’ve found that the best ratio to use here is three quags to every five foot-pounds of mire. After settling, once the whole thing eventually starts to bubble, you’ll know you’re on the right path to a successful quagmire.

Dr. Pete Bogg noted that all the letters in Geri Quam can be re-arranged to spell: Quagmire!