Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Joaquin Phoenix’s “Cries Of Anguish” Wins The Oscar For Best Picture

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The next time you pour milk on your cereal, think of the calf who should have gotten that milk.

Hollywood, CA – As expected, Joaquin Phoenix’s movie Cries Of Anguish won the Academy Award for Best Picture.

Cries Of Anguish is a wonderful movie about cows being artificially inseminated.

Then, the cow babies are stolen from their mommy cows for the veal industry, which prompts unmistakable Cries Of Anguish.

All of the stolen milk, which should have gone to the baby cows, is taken from the mommies, only to be put into our cups of coffee and onto cereal in your cereal bowl.

Joaquin Phoenix, in his powerfully delivered acceptance speech, showed that he is no joker when it comes to pointing out the wrongful entitlement that humans feel in order to inflict such violent acts against our bovine friends.

Amy Klobuchar Wrestles Woman To Ground After Being Attacked

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Senator Amy Klobuchar prepares to body slam alleged attacker to the floor.

Penacook, New Hampshire – Presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar successfully wrestled a Bernie Sanders supporter to the floor after being suddenly attacked while campaigning near New Hampshire’s capital city of Concord.

Luckily, the Minnesota senator had wrestled as a Trojan on her Wayzata High School team, so she instinctively knew some basic moves to protect herself when the need arose.

After the incident, Senator Klobuchar said she now needs to focus all of her attention on wrestling with Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sander, Quid Pro Joe, and Mayor Pete.

Weekly Listing Of Divorces In Cass County

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There are just as many reasons to get divorced as there are divorces.

Fargo, ND – It’s time once again to list the divorces going down in Cass County.

All of the following couples are uncoupling.

They have decided to part ways and go in different directions.

After some matrimonial restructuring, these former life partners will be relieved of their marital duties as they drop the terms “husband” and “wife” from their spousal relationships.

Here is this week’s listing of marriages that are being relocated to Splitsville:

Lori Aveline vs. Butch Barfneck
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: She didn’t take my last name.

Dorine Blavnok vs. Valim Blavnok
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Is Scientology a cult or religion?

Marta Blinkfire vs. Kolt Blinkfire
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Brussel Sprouts!

Jezza Borgwheezel vs. Olaph Borgwheezel
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Definition of “clean”.

Camelia Brandagamba vs. Vernius Brandagamba
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Impossible Impeachment Impasse.

Matilda Brockhouse vs. Cosimo Brockhouse
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse laughs too loudly.

Pamphila Brownlock vs. Jago Brownlock
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My husband spends too much time in the basement.

Trixa Chertofski vs. Kinck Chertofski
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Weed gummy bears.

Robin Chubb vs. Xander Chubb
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse won’t come out of the closet.

Zelda Chunkfest vs. Lester Chunkfest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Sense of humor differences.

Gringa Clayhanger vs. Niles Clayhanger
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: The juggling of our finances.

Starla DePhilpott vs. Gifford DePhilpott
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Who wears the pants in our family?

Camelia Diggle vs. Uffo Diggle
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Smartphone distraction.

Zoelle Ergerjoint vs. Knute Ergerjoint
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Poor grammar (past participles)

Herkna Fimvest vs. Dorknel Fimvest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Control of the remote controls.

Bertha Flokmesker vs. Angstoid Flokmesker
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Is the FMObserver real fake news?

Gerda Galbassi vs. Bucca Galbassi
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Global Warming vs Climate Change.

Lalia Gawkroger vs. Sancho Gawkroger
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My husband is losing his marbles!

Ingo Goldworthy vs. Bungo Goldworthy
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Quid pro snow.

Melila Headstrong vs. Eliot Headstrong
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Over-usage of our credit cards.

Lusha Inkshed vs. Joltan Inkshed
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Einstein’s theory of relatives.

Zhway Jongburg vs. Nyork Jongburg
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Different definition of decency.

Milava Konvalb vs. Bilavo Konvalb
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: The 5th Amendment.

Suzetta Lightfoot vs. Fulvus Lightfoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Multi-level furniture.

Thora McMolten vs. Judd McMolten
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Prayer breakfasts.

Moxie Nogbanks vs. Buster Nogbanks
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Turning our living room into a pistol range.

Psalm Olgschmacher vs. Wellington Olgschmacher
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Honda vs Hyundai.

Rhoda Puddifoot vs. Segol Puddifoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Selection of pizza toppings.

Astoria Quivelski vs. Cyprus Quivelski
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: She is possessed by the devil!

Dayja Rafferty vs. Conrad Rafferty
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Walls dividing every room.

Golden Rumble vs. Holman Rumble
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Number of condiments in the fridge.

Malva Sandyman vs. Filberto Sandyman
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: My spouse is colluding with the Russians.

Pandora Smallburrow vs. Togo Smallburrow
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Peanuts envy.

Cameo Stafko vs. Francois Stafko
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Usage of South Park for home schooling.

Juna Tafanofleroid vs. Zix Tafanofleroid
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Excessive flatulence.

Delvina Trumpiano vs. Rectan Trumpiano
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Different levels of hoarding.

Mariposa Twofoot vs. Milo Twofoot
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Difference between work and play.

Jessalyn Ugersmacker vs. Jax Ugersmacker
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: NFL Pickem choices.

Julla VanDruBoaix vs. Betan VanDruBoaix
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Who should walk the dog?

Elna Vanpiper vs. Wermbang Vanpiper
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Abuse of flower.

Merni Vlemeyer vs. Carvon Vlemeyer
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Severe halitosis.

Damarni Whempest vs. Jork Whempest
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Whether “memoji” is a valid scrabble word?

Bing Loo Xing vs. Bong Lee Xong
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Too much/too little makeup.

Jilian Yelpstern vs. Tonk Yelpstern
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Stacking beer cans.

Onesta Zaragamba vs. Haiduc Zaragamba
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Lack of respect for in-laws.

Anima Zorvdunkel vs. Guavchut Zorvdunkel
𝑅𝑒𝑎𝑠𝑜𝑛 𝑓𝑜𝑟 𝑑𝑖𝑣𝑜𝑟𝑐𝑒: Making coffee.

Fargo Police Add New Dog That Can Detect Weird Activity

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You can’t hide any weirdness from K-9 Tweek.

Fargo, ND – A new dog is being added to the K-9 team of the Fargo Police Department.

Tweek is his name and detecting weirdness is his claim to fame.

K–9 Tweek is trained to sniff out any and all types of weird activities and people.

If you are exhibiting any form of weirdness, Tweek will quickly and easily point that out to his handler.

In a situation where multiple weirdnesses are occurring, Tweek is trained to signal which is the most weird.

Besides being trained to sense anyone acting weird, Fargo’s new K-9 unit is also trained to give an alert signal for any activities that might be considered at all strange, unusual, odd, different, abnormal, kooky, freaky, and peculiar.

After Iowa Caucus App Fails, Iowa Dems Using 1920’s Adding Machine To Try And Calculate The Victor

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Iowa’s inability to add causes division.

Des Moines, Iowa – Once caucus leaders realized their new app apparently was unable to perform under pressure, an old adding machine was brought out of a dusty old closet.

Seemingly in dire need of a basic adding machine, Iowa Democrats somehow found a 1920s Victor adding machine to help them try to accurately determine who was rightly the victor of the country’s first presidential caucus.

Even though the results of the Iowa Democrat presidential caucus might not be certain for months, at least they have a solid and reliable piece of machinery upon which to tally the precinct totals and hopefully then one day announce with full confidence which candidate was the victor.

Moral of the story: During these modern times of apps and downs, we might still want to remember how to do things the old-fashioned way.

FMObserver Donates Valuable Work Of Art To Popular Soup Kitchen To Boost Morale

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𝔽𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕝𝕪 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕖 by Amsterdam Douglass has an appraised value of $350,000

Fargo, ND – Your FM Observer has announced plans to donate a very valuable work of art to the Second Lutheran Church soup kitchen in a magnanimous effort to boost mid-winter morale.

The soup kitchen, cleverly called “The Souper Bowl”, is located next to the Second Lutheran Church, and is one of the most popular soup kitchens this side of Dilworth.

The work of art which is being donated by the FM Observer is an infamous painting by Sir Amsterdam Douglass who recently came out of retirement just to create this masterpiece for “The Souper Bowl”.

The painting is entitled 𝔽𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕝𝕪 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕖, which Amsterdam Douglass reportedly painted of his grandson Omar, supposedly after eating a healthy portion of magic mushrooms.

Everyone who reads this post is invited to visit “The Souper Bowl”, and see 𝔽𝕣𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕕𝕝𝕪 𝔽𝕒𝕔𝕖 up on the wall, while enjoying some mushroom soup.

Male Who Identifies As Female To Compete In Next Miss North Dakota Pageant

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If Hannah becomes the next Miss North Dakota, she will represent ND in the Miss America Pageant!

Williston, ND – The next Miss North Dakota pageant will include its first-ever male competitor.

Hannah Bouncy who grew up on the outskirts of Zap, North Dakota is biologically male but she has totally identified as being female since first grade.

“I am so very wonderfully excited and blessed to be allowed to compete in the next Miss North Dakota competition,” says Hannah with a tear, as she repeatedly bench presses 285 pounds in preparation to compete for the Miss North Dakota crown.

The entire Bouncy family is decorating a bus with posters and balloons to help bring Hannah to a win in North Dakota so that she can go on to represent the great state of North Dakota in the national Miss America Pageant!

This Man Doesn’t Remember Who He Is. Can You Help Identify Him?

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The only thing this man recalls is the word BINGO.

West Fargo, ND – A man came wandering into our FM Observer Corporate Office Park not remembering his name, if he’s married, where he works, where he lives, or the names of any family or friends.

When we asked the man where he had recently been, that too seemed to draw a complete blank.

He did say that the word “Bingo” vaguely was popping up in his mind but was not sure if that’s in reference to the game or possibly a dog.

Perhaps this is a case of stolen identity or a bump on the head, or this man simply got out of the wrong side of his bed…after a super confusing dream.

Most of us have experienced a short period of temporary amnesia which maybe lasts for just a few seconds, and perhaps this man’s amnesia will naturally fade away.

If you happen to know this man, or know anything about him, please pass that information along so that we can hopefully help solve The Case Of The Unknown Man.

Man’s Death Blamed On Panic Attack Caused By Extreme Frustration During Jigsaw Puzzle Tournament

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It may take weeks to put together the pieces of this puzzling death.

Fargo, ND – What began as a potentially fun afternoon gradually swirled into a personal implosion for one jigsaw puzzle tournament participant.

Mr. Lemm Tweed–Clopton entered the annual jigsaw puzzle tournament with high hopes of possibly finishing in the Top Five people to successfully complete a very challenging jigsaw puzzle in one very intense race against time.

Mr. Tweed–Clopton had not done very well in past tournaments but regular practice sessions seemed to have indicated some improvement.

Shortly after the tournament’s starting bell, Lemm began experiencing a major panic attack caused by extreme frustration from not being able to get any of the puzzle pieces to fit together.

When the ambulance showed up minutes later, Mr. Lemm Tweed–Clopton was pronounced dead, but the actual cause of death remains puzzling.

Unfortunately for him, all of the letters in Lemm Tweed–Clopton can be re-pieced together to spell: Complete Meltdown!

Corona Virus Now Treatable With Extra Lime

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Use two limes to protect yourself against the deadly Corona Virus.

Corona, SD – With another disease heading our way from China, our very own Dr. Orvin Caruso who lives and works in Corona, South Dakota is already well ahead of this new and potentially deadly virus.

Dr. Caruso first points out that the Corona Virus is a meat-eating virus since the letters in 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 can be quickly mutated into spelling: 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂

Orv goes on to explain that since we now know that the 🅲🅾🆁🅾🅽🅰 🆅🅸🆁🆄🆂 is of the 🅲🅰🆁🅽🅸🆅🅾🆁🅾🆄🆂 type, its spreading can be effectively quelled by using an extra lime with your Corona, like pirates did to prevent scurvy.

“Instead of one lime, simply use two,” Dr. Caruso spells out, as if we’re all back in first grade.

Amazingly, all of the letters in “Orvin Caruso” can be mutated into spelling: Corona Virus!