Author Archives: Johnnny

About Johnnny

Contributing writer since January, 2013. I've been described by myself as a piano-playing omnivore who hates typos but loves chocolate milk in his coffee. As a Life Coach, some lessons I like to pass onto others are: 1. don't stare at strangers, especially in jail, 2. don't leave fun to find fun, 3. never pet a burning dog, 4. don't eat more than you can lift, and 5. when in doubt, jot it down. Click on any picture in my posts to see them in their full glory. All have been tweaked with either PicMonkey.com or Pixlr.com/Express or Lunapic.com :o)

Fargo ND Being Used As Test Site By Algore For Global Warming

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Algore’s Climate Reality Project being tested in Fargo, North Dakota.

Fargo, ND – If you notice some major swings in temperature, humidity, and weather happenings around Fargo-Moorhead in the next few years, it will most likely be related to Algore.

His new Climate Reality Project is being tested in Fargo, North Dakota because of the “relatively sparse rural population” and its “geo-centrical location on our sick continent.”

Algore: “For all you folks up there in Fargo, North Dakota…so now, if you experience some major gyrations in temperature and weather in general, please report it to my Climate Reality Project team for documentational purposes.”

Previously, Algore used Denver, Colorado as an example of a larger metropolitan area where Algore personally got Denver’s average high temperature during the month of August up to a steamy 90°F.

Man Who’s Half Goat To Marry Half-Goat Woman: Said To Make A Great Couple!

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Half-goat couple planning on raising a few kids on their very own goat farm.

Moorhead, MN – The quirky little American town that invented the Dilly Bar will soon have another first.

Mr. Billy Goat, who is self-described as being half man and half goat will soon join in marital wedlock with Ms. Fauna Capra, who is similarly also half goat.

For their wedding ceremony, both are expected to wear cashmere coats since they are both half cashmere goats.

Once legally joined together as a tribe and add a few kids, they plan on getting the flock out of here and moving to a small goat farm in rural Minnesota where they can nibble on some sweet alfalfa and tasty shrubs.

For income, besides selling their cashmere wool at premium prices, they also plan on marketing their own hircine line of goat milk and goat cheese.

FM Observer’s Long-Time Mentor Dies At The Very End Of His Life

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Bernard Idiovance was an early television pioneer probably best known for inventing satirical fake news.

Eastern West Fargo, ND – Bernard Idiovance, who was very instrumental in encouraging the founders of the FM Observer to begin such an undertaking, is now in the hands of the undertakers.

Dear Bernard was not only a mentor to all of us, but also a life coach and a rather strict disciplinarian keeping us in line and on time.

Mr. Idiovance died suddenly in his sleep while having a dream in which he was falling, that was going just fine…until he hit finally the ground.

Bernard Idiovance is probably best known for inventing satirical fake news and therefore launching us in the direction we now still find ourselves headed.

Bidi (as we sometimes called him) was preceded in death by his dog…and Bingo was his name.

During our final visit to see Bernard, his last words to us were: “Now, do I know you folks?”

Man Tweaks Life Plan After Doctor Tells Him He May Not Live Forever

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Fargo man is totally stunned upon learning that he may not live forever.

Fargone, ND – When Mr. Verner Foot walked into his doctor’s office, he was honestly thinking that he would live forever.

When this came up during office visit conversation, his doctor gently broke the news to Verner that the chances of not living forever are about 100%.

Mr. Foot is his own words: “What the hell?! This is certainly news to me. Well, yeah, this definitely changes things, in a rather major way!”

When we asked Verner Foot what sort of life changes he’s planning on making based on this new information, he said: “Pretty much everything, except for diet and lifestyle.”

Anagramically, all the letters in Verner Foot can be mixed around to spell: Not Forever!

UND Football Team Adds Moose As Running Back To Roster In Effort To Beat The Bison

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‘The Moose’ is a great running back but does sometimes have a problem holding on to the football.

Grand Forks, ND – In a last ditch effort to topple the NDSU Bison football team, the UND former Fighting Sioux have enlisted the help of an almost unstoppable running back.

As you might expect, his name is Bullwinkle and the scouting report on him says this running back is extremely hard to catch, contain, and tackle!

Bullwinkle (‘The Moose’ as his teammates affectionately call him) is believed to be from the Moose Jaw River area way up there in Saskatchewan, eh?

Coach says his coaching staff is very high on Bullwinkle and are hoping he can help bring the former Fighting Sioux a Nickel Trophy win against the mooseless Bison team.

National Lutheran Church To Become Bird Sanctuary Denomination

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Many Lutheran church sanctuaries will soon be filling up with birds.

Dulutheran, MN – The Angelical Lutheran Church Of America (ALCOA) announced that it will become the denomination that opens its sanctuary doors up to any and all types of birds.

Ms. Rose Grosbeak is the spokeswoman for ALCOA: “Each church sanctuary will be opened up as a safe-haven bird sanctuary for migrating birds who perhaps need temporary or permanent shelter.”

Ms. Grosbeak explains that architecturally, most Lutheran church sanctuaries have a lot of interior height which will help provide the birds ample room to fly around in, while using the offering plates up on the main alters as feeding stations.

Various Lutheran member groups will be making bird nests along with cute little painted bird houses for the many different types of birds that are expected to take advantage of the new Lutheran bird sanctuary pronouncement.

UFO Encounter In Marshall County Minnesota Finally Solved

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We are very sorry. For causing any trouble. We did not know. That our presence on Earth. Was going to be such a big deal.

Stephen, MN – The mysterious UFO encounter which happened in Minnesota’s Marshall county forty years ago has finally been solved.

Three space aliens who had recently been detained on unrelated drug charges confessed to flying the orb-like spaceship which was at the center of the infamous 1979 UFO sighting.

“Yes, it was our Orb cruiser which caused the bright light and then accidentally struck the squad car of Deputy Val Johnson near Stephen Minnesota,” said the three spaced aliens, as translated through their alien attorney.

The three undocumented aliens went on to say: “We mean the people of Earth no harm. We only wanted to co-mingle and party with you frackers. Even though you’re a relatively primitive species, we admire your gumption and spunk.”

Kindergartener Hitchhikes Home After School Bus Drops Him Off 75 Miles From Home

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School bus driver drops young Fargo kindergarten boy off in Valley City.

Valley City, ND – A Fargo child who was attending his first week of kindergarten somehow mistakenly got dropped off in Valley City by the school bus that was to bring him home.

The child eventually did get back home by hitchhiking the 75 miles because he had “seen how to hitchhike on TV.”

The boy’s parents, who were already totally freaking out when their young boy was not on the after-school bus, freaked out even more upon discovering what had actually happened.

The bus driver claims he did not know the boy was still on the bus.

The company that owns the bus (whose slogan is “We put the bus in business!”) says it sadly regrets and strongly denies that it ever happened.

The boy, who is doing fine, says Valley City looked like a very nice place to possibly move to when he gets older.

Moral of the story: If your bus driver is dumb, you can get home with your thumb.

Monkey Makes $34 Million In Stock Market From A $5 Investment

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Babu is now the richest baboon in the land.

Horace, ND – A resident baboon who’s been living with some distant relatives has apparently done what no other monkey has ever done.

Babu, an eleven year old baboon, took an online stock trading account which had been seeded by his uncle-in-law with $5.00 and somehow turned it into $34,000,000 in less than twelve months.

The monkey’s uncle admitted that he had no idea Babu had the computer skills or the stock trading knowledge to do anything meaningful with the online account.

Astoundingly, Babu also had cleverly switched the stock account over to a Roth IRA, thus making the entire $34,000,000 free from any tax liability.

FYI: Babu is single, loves to peruse the Wall Street Journal, enjoys playing board games, going on long walks by the river, and later sharing sips of a large banana daiquiri with a special friend.

President Trump To Swap The Blue State Of California For Greenland

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Beautiful Greenland to be traded for California.

Nuuk, Greenland – President Trump has made the decision to trade the state of California to Denmark in exchange for Greenland.

“I made a really great deal, because that’s what I do, and in exchange for California we will get Greenland,” shouted the president in front of a very noisy Marine One.

Reactions to this new trade deal were mixed:

Senator majority leader Mitch McConnell said he did not know anything about this deal.

Many others, including House Speaker Nancy Pelosi from the newly traded state of California, are indicating that they want to begin impeachment proceedings immediately.