Tag Archives: fm observer

Directions To Our FMO Corporate Headquarters For Reader Meet-N-Greet Parties

Our FMO Corporate Office Park can be reached from almost anywhere!

West Fargo, ND In appreciation of our beloved and faithful readers, your FM Observer will be hosting a sensational series of Reader Meet-N-Greets during each of the upcoming weekends.

Expensively fine free food will continually be served by our very own French Chef Jean-Claude Sorbonne including Loony Lobster Bisque, Polar Bear Patty Burgers, Midwest Carp Casserole, Red Rum Spicy Pie, and old-fashioned Butterscotch Pudding.

Fabulous door prizes will include: A vintage Vespa scooter, valuable paintings by Amsterdam Douglass, Get-out-of-Jail cards, one-way trips To Grand Forks, unopened cans of Spam, breeding pairs of Sugar Gliders, autographed and framed pictures of Dr. Willy Nilly, and lots more!

Live Music will be provided by The Double Negatives.

Amazingly accurate fortune tellings will be performed by Precog!

How to get to FMO Headquarters from almost anywhere: Turn right at the next light, drive 4.2 miles until you see a small house on a corner, turn left, and then simply follow our welcome signs. Enjoy! And thanks for reading the FM Observer

FM Observer Hires New CEO To Right The Ship

Say hello to our new CEO!

West Fargo, ND Your FM Observer is very excited to announce that we have just hired a new CEO to run our company.

Dr. Papi Rafiki comes highly recommended to us from the Red River Zoo.

Papi, as he likes to be called, has been hired to right the ship, if you will, and get us back on track toward the direction of our future.

Dr. Rafiki believes, as do we, that the FM Observer was put on the Internet by a higher power and that it is our destiny to provide trusted news for all people of Planet Earth.

You are invited to an open house at our corporate headquarters for a Meet & Greet with Dr. Rafiki.

Papi would personally like to meet you and hear your ideas for and concerns about the FM Observer as we move forward together, with our new CEO at the helm. Welcome to Dr. Papi Rafiki! :0)

Johnnny’s Seventh Retrospective (Posts 600-700)

My second one hundred posts.

My 7th 100 posts. Now I can build an even longer fence!

Since 700 is such a nice round number, it was decided to use the occasion of my 700th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on your FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

600. Johnnny’S sixth retrospective (posts 500-600)
601. Woman claims Woodrow Wilson touched her inappropriately during White House visit
602. Expensive study finds that the year 2100 is only about 82 years away
603. Al Franken dedicates new center for groping
604. West Fargo adding seven new robo cops to its police force
605. Winter snow predictions now called flake news
606. Mall Santa resigns after multiple accusations of groping
607. Cigar-shaped alien spacecraft actually a large french bread heading for Fargo
608. Moorhead man who claims to be the real Santa detained for questioning
609. Winter holiday greetings from your FM Observer
610. Top Ten questions to ask family in-laws and relatives during Christmas
611. Fargo man arrested for leaving dog outside too long
612. Moorhead woman builds house all by herself
613. President expected to swear more after study shows profanity is sign of honesty
614. Jeff Sessions voted most out of touch person in America
615. Fargo flocks to car washes before return of dreaded polar vortex
616. CNN’s Anderson Pooper gets South Park award for swearing 81 times in one hour
617. Man who caused Hawaii missile mishap admits he may have pushed the wrong button
618. Readers invited to email us ideas for future posts
619. Selling stolen pets becoming big business
620. Some religious groups demanding statue of David wear some clothes
621. Phi Eagles fans kindly asked to wear purple instead of green to Super Bowl
622. Top Ten things to do instead of watching the Super Bowl
623. Fargo boy first to ride rocket bike into space
624. Tsunami false alarm issued for state of North Dakota
625. Many wondering how curling can be considered an Olympic sport
626. Very varying reviews on First Lady Michelle Obama’s Smithsonian portrait
627. The Fargo Syndrome beginning to affect many Fargoans
628. Fargo Civic Center purchased by Tom Cruise/Scientology
629. Piano playing support group supportive of playing piano
630. Building-like structures discovered on planet Mars
631. Next Olympic winter games to be held in Fargo North Dakota
632. FM Observer lost in the wilderness for forty days
633. All North Dakotans now required to take an annual mental examination
634. The new rage is having a purse puppy
635. Dolphins being introduced to Fargo-Moorhead area hotel swimming pools
636. Mummified monkey successfully brought back to life
637. Fargo’s Wood-Chip-Stock Festival attracting some major attractions
638. FMO considering starting our own line of wedding anniversary cards
639. Vanna White and Pat Sajak getting divorced after thirty five years
640. Court artist accused of drawing under the influence at Cohen/Daniels court hearing
641. Musician flips the bird to Fargo crowd while suppposedly trying to play the F chord
642. Full disclosure: Sean Hannity and Michael Cohen are brothers from another mother
643. New Starbucks bathroom policy welcomes all
644. Sign up to join the FMO birthday club for only $100
645. Fargo family finds gold bars inside walls of their newly purchased older home
646. To show respect, they’re leaving Barbara Bush on the one dollar bill
647. Kids warned against playing outside during nice summer months
648. New driverless motorcycles expected to make roads safer
649. Jimmy Kimmel being investigated for using unlicensed monkey to prepare his taxes
650. Lots now being sold around West Fargo lagoon
651. Downtown Fargo adding another bar in an attempt to increase crime and number of drunks
652. Kitchen remodeling company creating questionably satisfied customers
653. New UND mascot needs a name
654. Mueller seeks to penetrate Trump’s personal inner sanctum with long large probe
655. Controlled burn that got out of control now 50% contained
656. Hawaiian officials warning people that hot lava is very hot
657. Emperor penguin elected president of Antarctica
658. Mind expansion seminars can help you reach beyond your full potential
659. Fargo approves funding for Perv Park where area pervs can gather
660. Nursing home residents shocked when told they must run the full Fargo marathon
661. Busload of Fargo folks heading to the royal wedding
662. Fargo dog school successfully teaching young dogs to communicate in English
663. So-called Feng Shui Burglar breaks into homes only to re-arrange the furniture
664. The Orb is now available wherever cool things are sold
665. FMO announces the 2018 smartest kids contest
666. Pope clarifies there is a Hell, otherwise known as Grand Forks
667. Dennis Rodman to receive Nobel Peace prize
668. Contest winner eats 81 tacos in 15 minutes
669. Area marshes getting really bogged down
670. New game show on Fox called Find Your Parents to be hosted by Roseanne Barr
671. Global Spinning is increasing in speed; Is it too late to try and put the brakes on?
672. All West Fargoans asked to make a rock balancing sculpture in their yards
673. Montana tractor picked up by tornado lands in Minnesota
674. Win this 1968 Mercury Cougar by entering your name at our FMO corporate headquarters
675. Heidi Heitkamp and Kevin Cramer agree to three UFC-style octagon fights
676. Dog saves drowning man from river and then eats the man
677. Former president Jimmy Carter says Jesus would drink Heineken and vote to legalize recreational marijuana
678. Some Minnesota lakes showing early signs of fermentation
679. Gray stray cat virus now infecting some home computers
680. Medora musical rated most over-hyped attraction in ND because it truly sucks
681. Global Warming changing Algore into a reptile
682. Space Farce soon recruiting members in Fargo
683. Profanity OK at Holy Crap church
684. Many now see the Catholic Church as institutionalized pedophilia
685. Man raised by buffalo running for Congress
686. Woman suing hot sauce for being too hot
687. Red River Diversion still trying to begin long after it should have been finished
688. A brief history of Colorado
689. Shoplifter sentenced to twenty years at the West Acres mall
690. All granite countertops being recalled due to gamma radiation
691. Wandering through some wonderings
692. FEMA cot ready for hurricane Florence
693. Grade school goes into emergency lockdown when Catholic priest tries to enter the building
694. Dear Dr. Finance: Is this a good time to buy gold?
695. The new Aaron Rodgers $10 bills are very popular in Wisconsin
696. Wanting to collect and store everything in cardboard boxes is a sign of superior intelligence
697. An Exclusive FMO interview with Walt Whitman
698. What to do after receiving a presidential alert message
699. Another Autumn golfer nailed by a distracted driver-driven golf cart?

An Exclusive FMO Interview With Walt Whitman

Walt Whitman says hello to all our FMO readers!

A conversation with Walt Whitman (1819-1892)

FMO: How do you feel about having an image of yourself on a postage stamp?
Walt Whitman: If you done it, it ain’t bragging.

FMO: Many consider you one of America’s great poets and some call you the Father Of Free Verse. Your thoughts on this, sir?
WW: To have great poets, there must be great audiences.

FMO: Your bio indicates you were also a journalist, a teacher, a government clerk, and a volunteer nurse during the Civil War. You seem to have a real connection with the common folk.
WW: I dance with the dancers and drink with the drinkers.

FMO: You have obviously written a lot. Do you also like to spend time reading?
WW: A morning-glory at my window satisfies me more than the metaphysics of books.

FMO: Any thoughts on the current state of world affairs?
WW: Judging from the main portions of the history of the world, so far, justice is always in jeopardy.

FMO: What do you think the future holds?
WW: The future is no more uncertain than the present.

FMO: How do you deal with life on a daily basis?
WW: To me, every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle.

FMO: What lessons have you learned?
WW: I have learned that to be with those I like is enough.

FMO: What advice would you care to share with our readers?
WW: Be curious, not judgmental. Keep your face always toward the sunshine and shadows will fall behind you.

Note: Every response is an actual quotation from Walt Whitman.

FMObserver Lost In The Wilderness For Forty Days

At times, we were not sure if we could ever find our way back.

Camp Wilderness – In case you had or hadn’t noticed, the FMObserver website was gone, missing in action, bye-bye for a rather long while. You could say we were lost in the internet wilderness, not much different from those wandering souls in the Blair Witch Project.

Losing a domain name is tantamount to losing your wallet, car, phone, family, and house all at the same time.

But just as a famous doctor of digestion once said: “All things will pass”, we are more than ecstatically relieved to report that the FMObserver, which once was lost, has now been found, born again, back from the dead, risen from the ashes, and is back online.

Now, the dream of our journey toward remaining the most respected and “absurdly observative” satirical fake-news agency can continue unimpeded and hopefully without further impediments.

Moral of the story: Keep all your passwords and PINs jotted down somewhere where someone can find them, in case you unexpectedly are suddenly summoned to your next realm.

Readers Invited To Email Us Ideas For Future Posts

By emailing us ideas for future posts, think of yourself as a member of our Virtual Readers Board.

West Fargo, ND – The FM Observer is cordially inviting all of our readers to email us any ideas for future posts that you would like to see (or not see).

As a member of FM Observer’s Virtual Readers Board, not only can you help steer the ship, but it will also look real good on your resume.

If an idea pops into your head for either a fake news story or perhaps a satirical post about a “real” news story, simply email it to fmobserver@gmail.com.

Ideas can be just one or two words, or perhaps a full headline. They will be discussed at our daily round-table discussion group meetings and then possibly assigned to one of our many capable reporters and writers.

As a bonus, every emailed idea will get your email address put into a large ceramic cookie jar from whence we may periodically select a winner of some fabulous prizes, which may include (but not limited to): a pet hamster, a framed autographed picture, and a one-way ticket to some random destination.

If there is something going on (or not going on) that you think we should address, please let us know by emailing your idea(s) to fmobserver@gmail.com!

Winter Holiday Greetings From Your FM Observer

For all you Protestants, protest signs like this can be made at Acme dot com slash Chumaker

Southern North Pole – Since saying Merry Christmas is possibly offensive to some, we here at the FM Observer Headquarters want to wish all our faithful readers very warm Winter Holiday greetings, to hopefully help counteract the recent Global Cooling which seems to have overtaken our area thanks to carbon-taxing Algore.

The FM Observer was boldly begun about six years ago by co-founders Cody and Nick, who simply wanted to provide an alternative to all the bad, real news. Cody is sadly no longer with us. Nick is related to Jolly Old St. Nick, who happens to be our Nick’s God-Santa.

After six long years of being at the vanguard of exclusively satirical fake news, we have unfortunately (for some) decided to renew our contract for another six years.

So, for any folks who wished we would just go away like Al Franken is from the Senate…no, we are here to stay – just like Robert Mueller’s never-ending special investigation into possible collusion with the Russians.

Acme.com/Chumaker

Johnnny’s Sixth Retrospective (Posts 500-600)

My second one hundred posts.

My 6th 100 posts. Now I can begin to build an even longer fence!

Since 600 is such a nice round number, it was decided to use the occasion of my 600th post to take a trip back down memory lane.

So, it’s time once again to look back on Johnnny’s last 100 posts on your FM Observer.

All posts are listed as clickable hyperlinks in chronological order. Enjoy!

500. Johnnny’s Fifth 100 Posts
501. Many college students admit to living off of Costco free samples
502. Moorhead couple spends Valentines evening together in jail after being arrested for disrespecting an officer
503. Fargo city leaders vote Yes to seek out Guatemalan sister city
504. Man dies when far-sighted reptile mistakes him for large rodent
505. ND lawmakers vote to cut their own pay and always wear jeans
506. Dr. Pepper advises all his patients to drink more soda pop
507. Jamba Joot to headline Fargo reggae fest
508. Elderly Fargo man will not pay his property taxes until diversion is done
509. Trump to introduce family’s new pet llama whose name is Dolly
510. Motivational speaker Marv Hoppler coming to Fargo for some accelerated sessions
511. FMObserver to purchase city of Fargo for undisclosed number of bitcoins
512. FMO’s Buddy Driscoll will be driving the #99 car in the Daytona 500 race
513. Fargo’s most famous poet tries to explain his ‘best works’
514. Hawaii votes to add another island named Zaui
515. Fargo witch heading to trial
516. Man-on-the-street checking the Zeitgeist
517. New Chinese poodle puppies come in variety of colours
518. Vasco Corporation now hiring part-time workers to test wetchops
519. Fargo’s plan to ban plastic bags irks some civil liberties groups
520. FM area to begin spraying for gadflies
521. Fargo downtowner arrested for repeated dawdlings
522. New Fargo donut shop specifically designed for people on drugs
523. Husband of peanut farmer’s wife driving her nuts
524. Gang signs causing fights between rival retirement homes
525. Fargo’s Dr. Hendassa calling it quits after 150 years of service
526. Jack Nicholson opening a bar in downtown Fargo
527. Local hospitals reporting increasing numbers of gogopox cases
528. FMObserver soon to open university dedicated to teaching fake news
529. Cancellation of UND women’s hockey was just a bad April Fool’s joke
530. New FM area golf course to cross interstate highway
531. Russians hack Krispy Kreme’s secret recipe
532. Fargo man demonstrates how to levitate using advanced meditation techniques
533. Playing slot machines good for health
534. FMO interviews United Airline’s CEO Oscar Munoz
535. Fargo bar fight begins after man asks another to borrow his toogit
536. FMO hiring day will be a week from next month
537. Man hit by train in stable condition while recovering at the morgue
538. Moorhead hoarder finds dead husband buried under tons of junk
539. Trump to use LGBTQ to make America great again
540. Fargo singing group to perform on Jimmy Fallon’s Tonight Show
541. In honor of humpday, Defense Dept introduces an old/new military weapon
542. FMO’s ABCs for living happily ever after
543. May is take your pet water skiing month
544. Fargo man suing hospital for mistakenly removing his novanoid
545. Rooftop dancing is the new downtown Fargo party craze
546. Groups of homeless living in trees east of Glyndon
547. Moorhead names itself the most scenic city in the Moorhead area
548. Military developing pink night-vision just for female fighters
549. Amsterdam Douglass donates priceless painting for Global Cooling fundraiser
550. North Dakota first state to make church attendance mandatory
551. Foolhardy Fargo men try operating a powerful magnetron outside its protective shielding
552. New MN state record set for smallest walleye ever caught
553. Golfer Ian Poultergeist somehow got trapped in a television set
554. Valuable items for sale at inflated prices
555. New Tiger Woods invitational golf tournament only for legally drunk players
556. Tiger Woods asking for help and understanding after admitting being wealthy ain’t easy
557. Elderly man dies peacefully at home after family tells him Trump was impeached
558. Volunteers sought for Deja-Vu clinical study
559. Anti-distracted driver movement gaining steam
560. New detention centers being built just for distracted drivers
561. Lottery winner on way to collect jackpot killed by distracted driver
562. Area drought being blamed on dry conditions and Global Drying
563. Twelve-year-old Kung-Fu brown-belt kicks crap out of would-be burglar
564. Fargo bocce ball tournament to raise money for its organizers
565. Montana earthquake either caused by Global Fracking or payback for Unabomber
566. 25 eating tips by FMObserver senior staff dietitian Angie Pitts
567. World famous jazz monkey set to wow Fargo jazz aficionados
568. Delaware has broken off from the United States
569. Fargo’s Dr. Svinkhaus believes that black holes matter
570. Storms completely wipe the town of Centralia ND off the map
571. Fargo realtor being sued for calling bedroom #1 the ‘master’ bedroom
572. Man mails himself to vacation destination in a cardboard box
573. Global Warming causing ice to become the new currency
574. West Fargo runners admit to drinking Mt. Dew before running 3-minute mile
575. West Fargo library being closed for displaying books
576. National coffee shortage causing companies to hoard ‘the fuel of business’
577. Solar eclipse cancelled as some find it to be offensive
578. President Trump to vacation in Fargo
579. Minnesota raising legal cigarette smoking age to fifty
580. Hurricane Limbaugh set to wreak havoc on liberal media
581. Man claims he simply forgot to get dressed after walking into his workplace naked
582. Todd Rundgren opens Moorhead concert with a prayer for President Trump
583. Man tries to rob convenience store for a pack of cigarettes using only a pillow
584. Unsportsmanlike conduct now a federal crime
585. Big Bird dead at the age of seventy
586. Superman Trump single-handedly saves Puerto Rico by tossing out paper towels
587. FMO hiring senior retro-tech position to service all our older equipment
588. Costumes and candy banned for Halloween in Fargo
589. Many apple pickers who choose to make apple wine end up getting quite drunk
590. Boys joining Girl Scouts just for the cookies
591. Fargo lobster bisque company goes belly-up due to lack of local lobsters
592. FMO recommends doing some pre-shoveling prior to any winter storm
593. Uncle Screwball warning trick-or-treaters to avoid scary clowns like him
594. Moorhead couple caught with 800 pounds of Qiameth worth an estimated $2.4 billion
595. New wonder drug called Blitzkrieg has some very serious side effects
596. Oprah’s much-anticipated holiday gift-giving guide
597. It’s no longer OK to say ‘OK’
598. Vikings place Sam Bradford on injured reserve and activate Debra Getty-Widder
599. Cat racing coming to Fargo

FMO Recommends Doing Some Pre-Shoveling Prior To Any Winter Storm

Pre-shoveling just makes sense!

West Fargo, ND – One tip the FM Observer would like to share with our beloved readers is to get out and do some pre-shoveling prior to a winter storm.

What is pre-shoveling, you may ask?

Pre-shoveling is proactively doing some of the inevitable after-storm shoveling that you’ll have to do…but prior to the snow event.

Not only is it much easier than post-storm shoveling, but it will also impress your neighbors, and show them that you care and that you read the FM Observer.

Blaine Rizbain, who recently moved to Fargo: Now that I’ve tried doing some pre-shoveling, I am totally hooked, not only because I have an addictive personality but because it just makes sense, plus it’s a good way to meet some neighbors.

Pre-shoveling is also a good idea prior to the first snow storm of the year because it will help you locate your shoveling equipment which is prolly still up in your attic next to your Christmas tree stand.

FMO Hiring Senior Retro-Tech Position To Service All Our Older Equipment

Knowledge of older equipment is a plus.

Eastern West Fargo, in Southeastern North Dakota – The FM Observer is proud to announce that we are interested in hiring a Senior Retro-Tech to our staff of Information Technologists.

Candidates must be willing to work in a slow-paced environment and be able to handle extreme pressure well.

Must be willing and able to work days and nights and also weekends and holidays for little or no compensation.

You should be able to take things apart and then put them back together.

Successful applicants would be expected to respectfully stand at attention with hand on heart during the national anthem and our daily pledge of allegiance.

Willingness to participant in office sports betting pools and bring in cookies would be a big plus.

Knowledge of all older types of retro-equipment which has a lot of knobs and buttons would be helpful since that it pretty much your main responsibility.

Candidate should be able to zoom in and zoom out when needed.

Language skills preferably would include English and Spanish as a first or second language, profanity, and also a basic understanding of office notes written in Tamil.

Must be willing to relocate if we ever decide to move or take the entire company on an “extended vacation” due to Global Cooling or problems with local law enforcement.

We are looking for a team player who is willing to be proactive and approachable.

You should be able to set positive goals that are achievable.

Having good time management skills is welcome as is being able to quickly respond to an emergency situation of any kind.

We are looking for someone who can prioritize many tasks as to their urgency and importance, re-think existing processes, educate yourself on the latest retro-technology, and ask questions when the answers may not be right in front of you.

If you feel your particular skill set is what the FM Observer is looking for, print multiple copies of your one-page resume in Tamil (using Google Translate if needed), and put one copy in each of our In-Box folders on our desks when we’re out to lunch (which is pretty much the whole day).